itsmylifenow

After the recent findings at the Abf's house and after having a discussion with a good friend of his last night I know I need to walk away from him.

There's the part of me that says, he's cheating and has cheated on you in the past, this is not a healthy relationship. This is not someone who respects himself or Me or has any boundaries. He feels lonely and neglected, abuses alcohol, then uses that as an excuse to get a piece of ass.

No, I know I don't deserve this on one level, but there is a deeper level that wonders why I'm still being punished. Because to me that's what this relationship is all about. Punishment. I see no other reason why I would allow this monster to remain in my life after all the horrendous things he has said and done to me, unless I believed I deserved it in some way for past mistakes. Past mistakes which I have forgiven myself for, accepted as mistakes and tried to move on from.

At any rate, a conversation with a good and chatty friend of his last night, proved to me that he has no idea how to be faithful. He uses drinking as a gateway to get into someone's pants. I can only imagine how many women he has slept with in the 3 years we've dated on and off. There is never any down time from sex. Or from looking for a girlfriend. He is constantly in girlfriend-searching mode. Even when he has one.

At any rate, I know this is bad for me, I know on many levels I need to walk away from this. I am puzzled by this piece that remains tho9ugh...this weird little piece that makes me think I care about him or even love a part of him, when all he's done is abuse and disrespect me.

I need to have a conversation with him today. One that I'm not ready to have because I've been dreading the pain of it all. Hate breaking up. Hate the thought of him being with other women, hate seeing him out. It's a broken piece of me I've got to get fixed.

I need to go back to my therapist, although I wonder if I should find someone who specifically deals with co-dependency issues? My therapist is awesome and she could handle it I'm sure, but I feel like I need someone more specialized in this area.

Please, wish me luck, send me hugs, prayers, good thoughts. I just want to make it through today.

CentralOhioDad

I can do this for you! I'm not much help otherwise, but can handle this request.

Blessings

Hopeworks

Yes... find a counselor who knows addiction, codependency, relationships in depth! Crucial... like anything there are all levels of counselors and you have to find the right person.

Alanon... books (lots of great titles on this forum)...read, read, read and read some more!

Keep a journal... will help with counseling too. Focus on good things, gratitude, plans for the future, daily goals for "fun" and healthy detox from the toxic relationship.

Just some ideas to start your journey... the person you are looking for is YOU!!! And you are worth finding, loving and taking care of!

Thoughts and prayers your way! Shalom.

Pelican

Sending encouragement and support!

Sungrl

You will survive and be a better stronger happier empowered person because of it! I know this because I made the decision you are about to exactly three whole days ago and I feel a little better every minute. Many Hugs

FredG

My prayers are with you

ZiggyB

I hope you find the strength to disengage from this person. A therapist would be a good idea as well as al-anon. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you don't get out soon. good luck!

Hypatia

Sometimes I find that I spend so much time thinking about the past that I ignore the present. That makes planning anything for the future pretty much impossible. When I find myself stuck like that, then I just set aside both the past and the future and try to refocus on the NOW.

I can't change anything that's already happened. I can't guarantee that something will happen. But I can choose to do something a little bit differently right now this minute.

Katiekate

I'm still being punished. Because to me that's what this relationship is all about

Please read this again!

Honey, you do not deserve to be punished.

I am with you, post here often, it gets easier.

Katie xo

FireSprite

Sending you lots of positive vibes today!! Stay strong, YOU CAN DO THIS & you'll be so much happier when it's over.. you deserve SO much better than they way he has been treating you!

itsmylifenow

I need a third person to talk for me to him. Just had a convo on the phone...insists he didnt cheat on me, now says he thought I would be coming over last week so he was stocking up on condoms for us. Different story than the first time. Said he checked the hairs and they looked like his underarm hair. Not.

I hear him blaming me for the relationship not being what he wants. Just wanted to be with someone who wamts to be with him and not choosing others over him. When I am honest with him that I dont wamt to deal with the drinking aftermaths anymore and having to clean up his messes he totally doesnt want to believe it or hear it.

I can feel myself getting sucked into what he says. Feel the pattern repeating itself and me wanting to nreak it but needing help. I could be swayed right now...out of fear, for security, for comfort...even thogh he is really not a source for either of those things.

Wish I had someone to keep me strong right now...

CentralOhioDad

Talk to your Higher Power, and continue to look to this Forum for support.

Be strong! Think about YOU

dandylion

Dear itsmylifenow, You are smart to realize that you are being violated and to get to alanon and seek well-qualified therapist!!! Go girl!

Must also remind you to get checked out for any stds as soon as possible---even if you are not showing any kind of symptoms. Many of them are more silent in women than men.
I am a medical person, and worked in an infectious disease clinic for many years. There are sooo many women in your situation. You are not alone in this.

Keep posting here,
dandylion

painterman

Just want to give you a little support-I can tell how much you need it.
Please try to make 'yourlifenow' not the life of dependence and misery that you are enduring. I went through this with a partner many years ago until I discovered two very important words, which you should keep by you forever-SELF RESPECT.
Once you begin to value yourself again things will be immeasurably better.

FireSprite

You do. It's YOU. You are the ONLY person that can do this for you in fact... read back over everyone's posts on the board. No one has ever been handed a magic answer or had a fairy godmother sweep into their lives & make everything better by waving her magic wand.

FWIW - I think he's a master manipulator & lies as easily as the rest of us breathe so I don't for one moment believe he's been faithful or intends to be in the future if you were to take him back. You said he doesn't want to hear anything negative about his drinking so until he addresses that problem, how can you expect anything to be different in the future? Just my opinion but you seem to be hurting so badly & I can't see how accepting him back under these circumstances is going to make you feel better.

You DESERVE better!! You are WORTH more & as soon as you fully realize that you will find the strength to walk away. (((((HUGS)))))

s19m73b

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night and my eyes started to open. I am in love with a recovering alcoholic who is going on five years this november. We would of been dating two years in October but she decided to end it last tuesday. I thought everything was going great with no reason to think differently.
She did seem off but i thought it was due to stress from work, money issues, and her daughter who I love just as much.
I took her on a trip to St Thomas to help her relax and regain her focus which she said she needed. The trip went well but she seemed very distant still and three days after we returned she said she was confused and lost. Said she needed to end it so she can focus on herself.
I wish I could explain how much that hurt me and confusion that i felt and still do. I accept she needs help and I can't provide it to her but it doesnt take away the hurt.
I feel like I could of did more to help or be there for her. I have been reading entries and responses for the last hour which I realize I am not the only one going through this. Any help in how I can start my path on the right foot would be appreciated? Thank you and look forward to finding out about myself.

laurie6781

I hate to be blunt, but ............................. since he has the 'morals' of an alley cat,
please get yourself checked for STD's. Even if y'all have been using condoms, get
yourself checked, condoms are not 100% safe.

NO you do not need to be punished. Yes, get with a therapist that 'specializes' in
addictions. This is your life and your mental health on the line.

Please keep posting, as we do care so very much. Remember we are always with
you in spirit!

Love and hugs,

Shadydeal

Oh, if you knew how many times I got sucked back into my relationship w my XABF it'd make you sick. He cheated so many times mainly with another girl he met in the rehab I paid for.....I didn't want to believe it! Then when he got caught and no way out....it would never happen again! I wanted to believe that too! The truth was I also didn't believe there was anyway a person could hurt someone again by being so selfish. Let me assure you I went thru this time and time again. My XABF was a sweetheart but a great manipulator! Looking back It appears I supported both addicts and they are still together. When your dealing with an active A they dont care about your needs. They might at the moment but never follow thru and selfish self absorbed....yep! That's the truth and if they aren't there yet....they well get there! I wish I had jumped out so long ago. I have much rebuilding to do in my life. Stay away from the jerk! Take care of yourself. Step back and pretend this was someone telling you your story.

outtolunch

No need to have any convo with this guy, ever again. He's not worth another word.

Only you can achieve closure for yourself and do so, when you move on.

JustaBloke

I totally get this. They are always looking for someone "better"...

They are so sick.

You got this. No problem. Although the pain is hard, you'll come out the other side stronger.

Hang tough!