Rough Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Rough Day
Today is day 6 of my new beginning and I am having a very rough day. When the lightbulb went off last Wednesday and I began my journey out of the pit, I felt empowered. I wrote many times last week and received some wonderful advice and support. Yesterday I spent the day at a friends house spilling my guts. It seems since the floodgates opened last week I can't seem to shut up. But I know from experience when my sister went thru bad times, it wears friends down. I don't always want to be talking about me and my troubles. I guess that is why this is a safe place and you all know where I am coming from and when you need to spill you just need to spill. Anyway, I went to church alone, he refused to go, and then went to my girlfriends house and stayed there for about 6 hours. Upon returning home, I thought my AH and son would be furious because I had thawed out london broil and hadn't been home to cook it. When I came into the house, they were eating, my AH cooked steak, potatoes, barbecue chicken and cut up cucumbers and tomatos. He NEVER cooks and there they were enjoying dinner. I made a plate, thanked him for cooking and then he was cheerful and having pleasant conversations with me. When my son returned to the basement where he basically lives, my AH said to me. "I have had such a wonderful few days doing what I want to do and not having to answer to you." He then proceeded to tell me he no longer loved me. This morning he got up showered, our business is closed on Mondays and we usually spend the day together and it is all good till evenings when the drinking begins, but then happy go lucky got in his car and left. So here I sit, unshowered, unmotivated, depressed and not sure what to do today. He has been my entire life for so long. I only have one friend in this town and she is working today and I probably wore her out yesterday anyway. I can't afford to take myself to the movies everyday. I don't feel like cleaning the house. I can't just drive around to the places I am comfortable driving to because I don't drive anywhere I have never driven to before. I don't want to visit my mother because she will tell me again I shook the apple cart so this is my fault. How do I get thru this day?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I do one thing for me.
Find one thing you can do for you, and do that one thing.
It might be a good day to have a home beauty day.
Put on a facial mask, exfoliate something, and/or maybe polish your toenails.
Find one thing you can do for you, and do that one thing.
It might be a good day to have a home beauty day.
Put on a facial mask, exfoliate something, and/or maybe polish your toenails.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Inthepit,
It sounds like this is a really miserable time. I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. But it also seems like you're doing pretty well by opening up and accepting some things.
You know that saying "just put one foot in front of the other"?
I always thought I understood it before life with my STBXAH imploded. But I did not know what it meant. It had never really been hard for me to put one foot in front of the other.
I know what it means now. One day two weeks ago. I was paralyzed with grief, anxiety, fear, guilt, anger etcc.... I didn't want to do a thing but wallow in it. I literally forced myself to go to the beach. I had no interest or desire in going but I know it's a place that makes me happy and that I enjoy. It was really really hard just to make the effort to go. I felt better before I even arrived.
It does work. I was actually surprised that I could get myself out of that funk, at least for a while. I didn't have to rely on the circumstances around me to change (ie; things out of my control). I just took action and made things better for myself.
You just have to "fake it til you make it."
Pick anything that would otherwise or normally be enjoyable to you and just muster up what it takes to do it. It's a great way to take care of you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
It sounds like this is a really miserable time. I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. But it also seems like you're doing pretty well by opening up and accepting some things.
You know that saying "just put one foot in front of the other"?
I always thought I understood it before life with my STBXAH imploded. But I did not know what it meant. It had never really been hard for me to put one foot in front of the other.
I know what it means now. One day two weeks ago. I was paralyzed with grief, anxiety, fear, guilt, anger etcc.... I didn't want to do a thing but wallow in it. I literally forced myself to go to the beach. I had no interest or desire in going but I know it's a place that makes me happy and that I enjoy. It was really really hard just to make the effort to go. I felt better before I even arrived.
It does work. I was actually surprised that I could get myself out of that funk, at least for a while. I didn't have to rely on the circumstances around me to change (ie; things out of my control). I just took action and made things better for myself.
You just have to "fake it til you make it."
Pick anything that would otherwise or normally be enjoyable to you and just muster up what it takes to do it. It's a great way to take care of you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I want to encourage you to believe that you are worthy of respect from those with whom you share your home, you are worthy of love and of kindness, you are worthy of basic honesty, you are worthy of concern and of sacrifice. These are basic human rights and these are non-negotiable standards for living within a family home.
You are living with emotional abuse from an alcoholic husband and from a disordered son. Both are using you as a scapegoat. And you do not have to put up with it for another minute. Abuse is the destruction of a human soul, and there is never an excuse for it. No matter the problems in a family, the abuse of any one member is absolutely unconscionable. And you are being regularly and blatantly abused. The more it occurs, the weaker you feel, the harder it is to break away.
But break away you must. God did not create you to be the emotional punching bag for two extremely dysfunctional and hurtful men, one of whom is your husband who is bound by his vows to treat you with compassion and care, the other is your son who is bound by God to treat you with honor and respect.
You have to get out of there. If you stay, you will dissolve. And God made you to do good works in this life and not to dissolve.
As for the driving, most towns have buses, and I hope that can be your solution. You can file for divorce, you can live on your own in a small, blessedly peaceful apartment with a loving cat or dog, you can do service work in Al-Anon to give yourself meaningful activity and avoid isolation, you can write to and reconnect with all the friends you have lost in your dark years in an unhappy alcoholic marriage.
Love is available to us. Good, decent relationships and friendships of all kinds are available to us. Days of peace and serenity are there for us. Home as a sanctuary and not a torture chamber. Mornings free of depression and evenings free of dread. These are right there outside the prison wall. They are not that hard to achieve. But first you must believe you are worthy of a life that does not hurt.
I'm so sorry you lost your boy many years ago, so very sorry. That you survived it is a miracle. You would find great comfort in attending a grief support group, for as long as you wish to go. You have much to teach others about grief, and you can help them as they help you. The Holy Spirit will be in that room with you, as, I believe, will be the spirit of your departed child.
You have decades of life ahead and now you stand at a crossroads. The signs pointing in each direction are actually quite clear. I hope you will go down the road which says "Serenity."
You are living with emotional abuse from an alcoholic husband and from a disordered son. Both are using you as a scapegoat. And you do not have to put up with it for another minute. Abuse is the destruction of a human soul, and there is never an excuse for it. No matter the problems in a family, the abuse of any one member is absolutely unconscionable. And you are being regularly and blatantly abused. The more it occurs, the weaker you feel, the harder it is to break away.
But break away you must. God did not create you to be the emotional punching bag for two extremely dysfunctional and hurtful men, one of whom is your husband who is bound by his vows to treat you with compassion and care, the other is your son who is bound by God to treat you with honor and respect.
You have to get out of there. If you stay, you will dissolve. And God made you to do good works in this life and not to dissolve.
As for the driving, most towns have buses, and I hope that can be your solution. You can file for divorce, you can live on your own in a small, blessedly peaceful apartment with a loving cat or dog, you can do service work in Al-Anon to give yourself meaningful activity and avoid isolation, you can write to and reconnect with all the friends you have lost in your dark years in an unhappy alcoholic marriage.
Love is available to us. Good, decent relationships and friendships of all kinds are available to us. Days of peace and serenity are there for us. Home as a sanctuary and not a torture chamber. Mornings free of depression and evenings free of dread. These are right there outside the prison wall. They are not that hard to achieve. But first you must believe you are worthy of a life that does not hurt.
I'm so sorry you lost your boy many years ago, so very sorry. That you survived it is a miracle. You would find great comfort in attending a grief support group, for as long as you wish to go. You have much to teach others about grief, and you can help them as they help you. The Holy Spirit will be in that room with you, as, I believe, will be the spirit of your departed child.
You have decades of life ahead and now you stand at a crossroads. The signs pointing in each direction are actually quite clear. I hope you will go down the road which says "Serenity."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Inthepit, English Garden has so eloquently offered you wisdom and support, and I hope that you take in all she has offered.
About your husband suddenly functioning without you, that can be very disconcerting. Your role is no longer important, even if this temporary, and even if you don't really WANT that role - it is familiar, it is routine, it is expected, and suddenly you are without a rudder.
This isn't bad, it just means that it is time for you to figure out what you DO want to do.
It reminds me of parenting my 14 year old daughter years ago. She announced at 10 PM one night that she was going to walk in the park and meet the local juvenile delinquent. I said no, she said yes, we had quite a tug of war. Suddenly, she said "Okay, I just wanted to see how far you'd let me go." I felt like she had let go of the rope in this tug of war, and I had just fallen with a clunk to the floor.
You are arriving at the place where I'm struggling - - what do I do when I'm on my own and no longer fighting against the role my AH expects of me?
I think this is a good place, but I find it very disconcerting. See what good you can make of it. Maybe get a book like Co-dependent No More and think about some of its points. Or maybe, like others are suggesting here, just do something fun and frilly for yourself. You deserve it.
BothSidesNow
About your husband suddenly functioning without you, that can be very disconcerting. Your role is no longer important, even if this temporary, and even if you don't really WANT that role - it is familiar, it is routine, it is expected, and suddenly you are without a rudder.
This isn't bad, it just means that it is time for you to figure out what you DO want to do.
It reminds me of parenting my 14 year old daughter years ago. She announced at 10 PM one night that she was going to walk in the park and meet the local juvenile delinquent. I said no, she said yes, we had quite a tug of war. Suddenly, she said "Okay, I just wanted to see how far you'd let me go." I felt like she had let go of the rope in this tug of war, and I had just fallen with a clunk to the floor.
You are arriving at the place where I'm struggling - - what do I do when I'm on my own and no longer fighting against the role my AH expects of me?
I think this is a good place, but I find it very disconcerting. See what good you can make of it. Maybe get a book like Co-dependent No More and think about some of its points. Or maybe, like others are suggesting here, just do something fun and frilly for yourself. You deserve it.
BothSidesNow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
As I sat here this morning doing some EFT tapping, My AH came back from where ever he went and he asked me to go shopping with him. As I have said in the past he never drinks during the day and we usually enjoy each others company during the day so I went. It started out shaky because I wanted to tell him all his wrong doings but then I shut up and we actually had a good day. This evening he said maybe he should quit drinking the hard stuff because he thinks it is affecting his health. You think? Anyway, I am not foolish, I know this was his way of making up and smoothing things over since I have been detaching the past 6 days.
I don't want to leave him at least not at this time. I totally agree that I should never accept abuse. A counsellor told me many years if the verbal abuse starts immediately leave the room, leave the building, hang up the phone whatever it takes to not listen to it because the more you listen the more your self-esteem is affected. So my plan is to continue to take it one day at a time, stop doing as much for my son, leave the house if any verbal abuse starts and keep taking care of me. I had stopped getting my hair and nails done, stopped visiting friends, stopped going to the movies, stopped exercising and spent too many wasted days depressed. I am not gonna let that happen again. I will work in the family business when it is convenient for me and not work if I am mistreated. I will stop being so dependent on him. I will smile again. I found my old co-dependent books too and the refresher course will begin. I appreciate the support and will keep you updated.
I don't want to leave him at least not at this time. I totally agree that I should never accept abuse. A counsellor told me many years if the verbal abuse starts immediately leave the room, leave the building, hang up the phone whatever it takes to not listen to it because the more you listen the more your self-esteem is affected. So my plan is to continue to take it one day at a time, stop doing as much for my son, leave the house if any verbal abuse starts and keep taking care of me. I had stopped getting my hair and nails done, stopped visiting friends, stopped going to the movies, stopped exercising and spent too many wasted days depressed. I am not gonna let that happen again. I will work in the family business when it is convenient for me and not work if I am mistreated. I will stop being so dependent on him. I will smile again. I found my old co-dependent books too and the refresher course will begin. I appreciate the support and will keep you updated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Inthepit108 
Yesterday I spent the day at a friends house spilling my guts. It seems since the floodgates opened last week I can't seem to shut up. But I know from experience when my sister went thru bad times, it wears friends down. I don't always want to be talking about me and my troubles. I guess that is why this is a safe place and you all know where I am coming from and when you need to spill you just need to spill.
This is a "WE" group...
WE admit we are powerless. Re-read the step and notice it is all WE. What does that mean? It means the power of the group on a whole holds the power - WE do this TOGETHER. We support one another, truly understand. It is a part of love and service WE all come to -that understanding that "normies" do not get or understand. That's why it wears them down. They don't understand - WE DO. Keep coming back. We are here to listen
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
So he asked you to go shopping with him after what he did the night before. Did he start out the convo with apologizing?
I think he just tested to see if you were still his puppet on a string. He didn't have to apologize, all he had to do was ask you to go shopping. See how little he has to give to you and all is forgiven?
My first husband asked me to go shopping with him. He was holding an engagement ring out to me. Humph. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.
How many times have you cooked dinner and eaten without even calling him to tell him when it was ready? Probably never. You have kept it warm for him. Now he cooks dinner once, goes ahead and eats without you, just to show you that he can do it without you, and to hurt you--to show you that he "doesn't need you".
Did he call you to tell you dinner was ready? No.
Did he apologize? No.
Did he take back the words that he said to you about not loving you anymore? No.
I think he proved to himself that he holds all the power. I don't like what he did to you and then he didn't have to even apologize to get you right back into his mode.
I think he just tested to see if you were still his puppet on a string. He didn't have to apologize, all he had to do was ask you to go shopping. See how little he has to give to you and all is forgiven?
My first husband asked me to go shopping with him. He was holding an engagement ring out to me. Humph. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.
How many times have you cooked dinner and eaten without even calling him to tell him when it was ready? Probably never. You have kept it warm for him. Now he cooks dinner once, goes ahead and eats without you, just to show you that he can do it without you, and to hurt you--to show you that he "doesn't need you".
Did he call you to tell you dinner was ready? No.
Did he apologize? No.
Did he take back the words that he said to you about not loving you anymore? No.
I think he proved to himself that he holds all the power. I don't like what he did to you and then he didn't have to even apologize to get you right back into his mode.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
WoW! I guess I can't see the forest thru the trees or something like that. I never even considered those questions you just asked me. I did feel like I wasn't needed when he cooked dinner and my feelings were hurt that they were eating without me. But did I expect an apology. No. Did i get an apology. No. The thing is he really went over the top and we made love for the first time in about a year. And of course then I felt complete, loved and I got what I wanted all along. This whole thing came bursting open because I was sick of him drinking in the evenings and never touching me so after 6 days of my "independence", he responds and I accept. I don't want to be part of a manipulation game but I did get the response I wanted and needed and it surprised me. I am no where ready to even consider a life without him. I already made my agreement with myself to not accept verbal abuse and I wont. I already proved to myself I can do positive things for myself and enjoy my day without him and that will continue. But if he responded with love last night and I felt happy, why can't I just take it as is for this one day and then move on to see what today brings. I understand it is a fine line to make sure I am not pulled 100% back into his grip. But I do know it was nice to be in his arms. He was loving, kind and we really had a good day yesterday. I appreciate all the honesty I get here and the insight that I never considered. Today he is at work and I am doing my thing. So I will see what I can get into the rest of the day that is positive and good for me. I already told him I won't be working every day at our business like before. I will work when I want to work. If he turns on me because I don't work all the time then I know I was totally scammed but if he accepts my decision then perhaps he is making progress in respecting and loving me. And I refuse to wait another year for imtimacy because if we are not moving forward then we are standing still and that is no way to live.
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