fireproofing

Hello,

I am in my late 40's and have been with my boyfriend also of the same age for almost 2 years. His profession (he is in a very senior position) is very male dominated and there is much socializing where alcohol is involved. Going for drinks is at least a weekly occurance and drinking is almost encouraged as a form of stress relief, socialization and a sign of manliness. Up until lately I have taken it all in stride and there have only been 2-3 occasions in which I noticed that he was anywhere nearing "intoxicated".

He is about the busiest, most responsible person I've ever met. Never misses a day of work ever. He never, ever drinks on the job or would even think about going in when under the influence. Apart from his regular job he has a consulting business and works on average 65 - 75 hours a week. He is extremely physically fit, works out regularly, golfs, plays tennis, hockey etc. He has 2 daughters in their late teens and is an extremely loving and responsible father. I also have 2 daughters in their late teens and he is very good to them too. Financially he is very stable and manages his investments well. He is an extremely loving, respectful and caring partner. He is by all intents and purposes very successful, well respected and has a great life.

So why the concern?....This past weekend he admitted to me that he has decided to cut back on his hard alcohol consumption because he finds it keeps him from accomplishing as much as he'd like to. That evening he had 2 beer when a friend popped by and then the following evening a beer with dinner and then a hard lemonade while watching tv...so I appreciate that he's trying to cut back but I see where he's still drinking.

I have had small inklings that he might be drinking too much. We had a big party for his birthday in January and many friends brought him his favorite hard liquor as a gift. In all he received probably about 7 bottles (5ths), then when we were away on vacation in February he picked up another 2...by probably early May they were all gone...I'm thinking he also must have bought at least a couple more during that time...and he also drinks probably about 1/2 dozen beer a week too.

Here's his drinking pattern as I know it (we do not live together).
At least once a week we have dinner together at home...and open a bottle of wine...I drink about a third and he drinks the rest. At least 2 times a week he'll come home and have at least 2 large drinks...with I'm guessing about 3 ounces of liquor in each drink. At least once every 10 days he'll get together with friends and "hoist a few".

All his friends know his favorite beer, his favorite rum, and they gift him with it. I think his mother...only met her a couple of times (lives across the country)...is a big drinker. And he makes these "jokes" like..."give me a call later Honey...I'm just going to be sitting around getting drunk by myself anyway!"....hahaha...yikes! Or tonight we were skyping and he was joking around like he was drinking it right out of the bottle!

I'm worried...I love him so much...he's the greatest guy...but I know that if he's an alcoholic I can't be with him...my brother was a drug addict, my best friend's husband is a raging alcoholic...I cannot go down that road.

Thanks...any and all thought and advice will be appreciated

android1

Im new at this. But here is my 2 cents. All the work is an addiction just like alcohol, hence the term workaholic. What that says about the drinking, I don't know. I think work can be a drug of choice. And that may be keeping his alcoholism under control, to the extent it can be.

I'm sure others will chime in, maybe not tonight, it is late in the USA.

Mystrongisweak

This is honestly hard...I grew up with many business owners, some of them have went big time as-well. If you saw what i have seen with major business owners you would see that..."yes" booze with beer or booze is a compliment, but it can also be a insult as-well. At an older age, booze gifts are very common. It is easy and can be expressed as "we understand you." That can be a very difficult place because obviously I do not know the whole extent of his friends. WHY do you feel this way? Since he seems to be doing EVERYTHING wonderfully with you and your life along with his own, just get a simple physical, both of you. Check up with his doctor and see where his health is. I would not worry about his lingo when it comes to drinking, guys are very health oriented just as you said but they can also show ignorance. Get the facts, then determine how bad you both think it is.

Taking5

9 fifths of hard liquor in 2 months? I would've done it in a week in my drinking heyday. I don't recommend anyone to take drinking as far as I did but honestly he is an amateur.

It sounds to me like he has the rest of his life pretty well under control. His job and workout situations are light years better than mine were when I stopped drinking. He has recognized his drinking is not helping him so he has decided to cut back. You acknowledged this, but you're still worried?

I'd talk to him about. If he wants to quit or cut back help is out there. If he has trouble doing this, then you are both lucky that he has recognized this before things got too bad.

FenwayFaithful

It sounds like fairly normal drinking "heavy social drinking" to me but to be honest I can't be terribly sure was normal drinking is as I am still a baby in recovery and experiencing a relapse.

I don't want to play the "Well just because I was worse means he doesn't have a problem game" but just for perspective... I can tell you I'm 23 years old,and I was drinking a pint of alcohol a day when I started at 6 at night or later and more if I started earlier in the day. I went through a handle in less then a week. And an entire bottle of wine to myself was something I didn't even consider "real drinking" When I was drinking in this manner I was actually 21 and maybe 105 pounds soaking wet.

And I wasn't with other people.

But I actually kept things together. My grades dropped a bit. I did some pretty stupid s*** I mean really really really stupid. Blacked out, almost made some horrible sexual decisions and hurt a lot of people but I kept my job, I graduated college... all in all I kept thing together.

So it is possible to be an alcoholic and to manage SOMEHOW to barely keep a hold of your life. I believe the term is "Functional Alcoholic"

It seems like you're pretty well in tuned to the signs of addiction and if you're nervous theres a reason for it. I think it's important to discuss your concerns with him.

fireproofing

Thanks all,

Fenway thanks for your observations and for sharing your story...hope things are going better for you now.

The fact is there's something just making me nervous about this...my gut tells me there's more to this than heavy social drinking. There seems to be a family history. I saw his mom drinking screwdrivers that looked to be little more than a big tumbler of vodka with just a splash of OJ and she was pouring the vodka out of a bag in the kitchen like some big secret...and pretty much had a drink going the entire 3 days she was visiting. And no one acknowledges or talks about it...it's the elephant in the room.

All the joking about his "problem" and the fact that I think there's a lot more drinking going on then what I or anyone else sees. I think he drinks alone a lot more than he let's on. Plus he's a guy that prides himself on being in total control of his life and he's clearly fearing loss of this control.

I did a bit more reading this morning and I think he's likely a very high functioning alcoholic...he drinks pretty much everyday, uses it as a stress reliever, has a very high tolerance, and alcohol is a key feature of holidays (gotta' always check out prices at duty free...and stock pile).

I told him I wanted him around for a very long time and was concerned for his health. He said he was as well...but what I'm seeing is that he's cutting back on the rum but he's still drinking...beer, wine, hard lemonade. He's intelligent enough to know that booze is booze...pick your flavor, pick your poison. (My friends husband's drink of choice was Sambuca! He figured because he was only drinking a liquer...it didn't count. Yeah it counts when your drinking 2 5ths a day and washing down all that syrup with vodka!)

Anyway I know that on the sliding scale of things...it's not that bad...however newbie that I am.... I think it's like being "a little bit pregnant"...ain't no such thing as "just a little bit alcoholic" and it can be a pretty slippery slope. Am I wrong?

Florence

Fireproofing, if it's a problem for you, it doesn't matter what it's called. You have the right to set boundaries and to leave the relationship if these boundaries aren't respected.

Also, if you are from a family that had addiction and/or other mental illness, check out the ACOA boards and literature too. Supposing he *doesn't* have a problem, this could be a red flag telling you to take care of yourself and work through some of the old trauma.

Good luck to you, and welcome to SR.

fireproofing

thanks Florence

I plan to have a very frank discussion this week with him. I want him to tell me exactly how much he's drinking and open up completely to me about it so I can make an informed decision about what my boundaries truly are. Actually the opening up completely part forms one of my lines in the sand.

Also how do I get to the ACOA board you mention? (what does it stand for?) My brother's addictions lead from alcohol, to pot, to crack, sometimes concurrently. He went from having a wife and child and a very successful career to living on the street and burned through about $200k in a year and a half...pretty much destroyed his own life and the impact to our lives (his family) has been astounding...

He's clean of the crack now (I paid for his therapy in Seattle...controversial but it worked) but I suspect he still drinks.

Florence

ACoA is "adult children of alcoholics." A lot of us find it helpful anyway even if our folks weren't alcoholics, especially if we have strong codependent tendencies.

You'll hear it said again and again, but while the addiction affects the addict, the rest of us go crazy trying to adapt to the chaos. If addiction has touched you in a meaningful way, it's worthwhile to work through it.

outtolunch

Your boundaries are all about you and your bottom line and not dependent on what other people tell you which is unlikely to be the truth, the whole truth.

Social drinker? Alcoholic? Functional alcoholic? He's drinking more than you are comfortable with, is all that matters.

outtolunch

ACOA is for Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Perhaps what you are looking for is CODA ( coda.org) , Co-Dependents Anonymous.

fireproofing

Thanks for this OTL...very good advice. I wonder sometimes whether I'm being hyper sensitive, hyper vigilant and of course it's hard to see when you love someone so much...but I'm starting to understand with everyone's good advice that I need to decide for myself what I will and I won't accept. That's what I meant about "complete opening up" being a line in the sand for me (if I don't think he's being truthful...I can't be with him)...but then yes...how do I know if he's being completely truthful with me.

And yes will check CODA out as well as ACoA...I think I do have co-dependent tendencies for sure. Which of course worries me...is this why I'm with my present partner. I was in a dysfunctional marriage for over 20 years which had many co-dependent features.

Thumper

I don't know what is going on with your guy but if he does have any kind of problem he is not going to be totally truthful with you. He is going to say what you want to hear. If he has any level of addiction, he'll protect that above all else even subconsciously.

One important lesson that I learned was to listen to my gut feelings. Believe what I see.

All those little tiny warning bells, all those uneasy feelings, the questions in the back of my mind. That was me, trying to look out for myself, and I ignored it all. I rationalized and minimized - to my own detriment.

Florence

This.