Dating Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Dating Advice
I've recently started dating again, which I think is the right thing for me right now... BUT I really haven't got any friends in this town (long story), so I'm writing here for some dating advice.
Things to know:
A) It's been a long time since I was in a relationship (more than a year)
B) This will be my first relationship after being in an alcoholic marriage that pushed my psyche to the extremes of violence, distrust and betrayal
C) In some very superficial ways, I still feel like my ex was my perfect match in intelligence, humor, looks... so when I go out now, I don't know what I'm supposed to look. I mean, if I go for the same things,who's to say I won't end up in the same situation, right?
So, I signed up for an Online dating service and after a couple of tries (well... a bunch) I found a guy I liked. I kissed him on the second date and then he told me he was going out of town for two weeks. He also facebook friended me and encouraged me to investigate as much as I wanted. One of the things I found was a picture of the girl he said he'd broken up with from a few days before our 2nd date. In the picture,they were at a restaurant, and she was looking at the camera in a coy and flirty way,wearing a VERY revealing top. Look, I have no claim to this guy, right? A couple of dates, a little bit of kissing. Besides, he still has some business relationship with her, maybe it was innocent? More importantly,it is none of my business, right? After only a couple of dates...
In the mean time, he has been very valiant, keeping up an e-mail exchange even though he is on vacation. But then, I logged onto the dating service in the curiosity if I might find him there, and there he was, having logged on regularly in his absence. Should I feel offended? I mean, I guess we can be dating other people, but I don't know how any of this stuff works. How do I know how many other women he's playing me off on? And all this is tempered by the feeling that maybe I ought to be in therapy more than dating.
In any case, here is my last question. So after this, checking on the dating site to find how many times he has logged on is in the back of my mind, even if I hold myself back from such obsessive activities. I did however contact another fellow. I'm going out for drinks. The first guy doesn't even get back into town until Tuesday (which puts his vacation at closer to 3 weeks... and yes the thought he was lying to me about the true date of his return DID occur to me).
So,all of this feels strange and I'm not sure what the rules are here, so anything you can do to parse this out for me would be a great help.
With lots of love and warmth, I'm gonna thank you in advance.
Things to know:
A) It's been a long time since I was in a relationship (more than a year)
B) This will be my first relationship after being in an alcoholic marriage that pushed my psyche to the extremes of violence, distrust and betrayal
C) In some very superficial ways, I still feel like my ex was my perfect match in intelligence, humor, looks... so when I go out now, I don't know what I'm supposed to look. I mean, if I go for the same things,who's to say I won't end up in the same situation, right?
So, I signed up for an Online dating service and after a couple of tries (well... a bunch) I found a guy I liked. I kissed him on the second date and then he told me he was going out of town for two weeks. He also facebook friended me and encouraged me to investigate as much as I wanted. One of the things I found was a picture of the girl he said he'd broken up with from a few days before our 2nd date. In the picture,they were at a restaurant, and she was looking at the camera in a coy and flirty way,wearing a VERY revealing top. Look, I have no claim to this guy, right? A couple of dates, a little bit of kissing. Besides, he still has some business relationship with her, maybe it was innocent? More importantly,it is none of my business, right? After only a couple of dates...
In the mean time, he has been very valiant, keeping up an e-mail exchange even though he is on vacation. But then, I logged onto the dating service in the curiosity if I might find him there, and there he was, having logged on regularly in his absence. Should I feel offended? I mean, I guess we can be dating other people, but I don't know how any of this stuff works. How do I know how many other women he's playing me off on? And all this is tempered by the feeling that maybe I ought to be in therapy more than dating.
In any case, here is my last question. So after this, checking on the dating site to find how many times he has logged on is in the back of my mind, even if I hold myself back from such obsessive activities. I did however contact another fellow. I'm going out for drinks. The first guy doesn't even get back into town until Tuesday (which puts his vacation at closer to 3 weeks... and yes the thought he was lying to me about the true date of his return DID occur to me).
So,all of this feels strange and I'm not sure what the rules are here, so anything you can do to parse this out for me would be a great help.
With lots of love and warmth, I'm gonna thank you in advance.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi there
I have done the online dating thing here and there... the general unspoken rule is unless the two of you have had "the talk" and have agreed to be exclusive, you are free to talk to anyone or date anyone else. Right now he isn't playing you because you're not in a relationship and you have no commitment to each other, he can do whatever he wants!
My advice is to relax and not worry so much about it all.
I have done the online dating thing here and there... the general unspoken rule is unless the two of you have had "the talk" and have agreed to be exclusive, you are free to talk to anyone or date anyone else. Right now he isn't playing you because you're not in a relationship and you have no commitment to each other, he can do whatever he wants!
My advice is to relax and not worry so much about it all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Just one more question. Can I ask him who else he is dating without necessarily asking for exclusivity?
Was I right to set up another date while he is out of town?
Should I continue to do that?
Was I right to set up another date while he is out of town?
Should I continue to do that?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It's a dating site. Some people troll for the flirting, some people are looking for a marriage committment on the second date.
My advice is to know what you are looking for going into the dating realm.
Are you looking for a relationship or are you looking for companionship? What about the guy's you meet? Are they looking for dates or relationships?
I found myself looking for the same traits that had attracted me to the male population for 20 years: Tall, strong, dark hair, older, silent type in a guy. It finally occurred to me that I was getting the same outcome with that search field: I was getting intimidated (size ~ I am 5'4"), frustrated and/or bored because of their inablility to converse or express themselves.
I had to change my scope. I had a talk with myself and told myself that the same old- same old was giving me the same old result. Time to shift my focus and look for what I really wanted in a relationship:
I want to spend time with someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life.
I realized I needed to stop looking at the exterior and focus more on the interior
It turns out that my preferred companion doesn't have to come in a tall, older, dark haired package! It can come in a younger, shorter, blonder body type and be just wonderful!
My advice is to know what you are looking for going into the dating realm.
Are you looking for a relationship or are you looking for companionship? What about the guy's you meet? Are they looking for dates or relationships?
I found myself looking for the same traits that had attracted me to the male population for 20 years: Tall, strong, dark hair, older, silent type in a guy. It finally occurred to me that I was getting the same outcome with that search field: I was getting intimidated (size ~ I am 5'4"), frustrated and/or bored because of their inablility to converse or express themselves.
I had to change my scope. I had a talk with myself and told myself that the same old- same old was giving me the same old result. Time to shift my focus and look for what I really wanted in a relationship:
I want to spend time with someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life.
I realized I needed to stop looking at the exterior and focus more on the interior
It turns out that my preferred companion doesn't have to come in a tall, older, dark haired package! It can come in a younger, shorter, blonder body type and be just wonderful!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
I guess I want an exclusive, but not very serious relationship. I guess I would also love to go out with someone and do something fun and exotic. I'm also looking forward to being treated with respect. I'd like something chivalrous to some extent. I know it'snot their fault, but after having to do everything in my previous relationship, I wouldn't mind being courted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Looking4ward 
Just one more question. Can I ask him who else he is dating without necessarily asking for exclusivity?
Was I right to set up another date while he is out of town?
Should I continue to do that?
Was I right to set up another date while he is out of town?
Should I continue to do that?
Yeah you should absolutely be keeping your options open at this point. He has committed nothing to you...
These situations are kind of complicated! Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
When I was in my early 20s, I went through a painful breakup and stayed single for quite a while. When I felt ready to date again, a good girlfriend gave me some advice which worked great for me.
Instead of looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Forever, she suggested that I instead start making new male friends and focus on one or two common interests for each one. So I ended up with one who would go to opera with me, another who enjoyed going to theatre and plays, found one who was a terrific dancer and became my escort for many semi-formal and formal evenings with live orchestras and waltzes and polkas, and yet another who was a lot of fun as a pub quiz partner. Found another who became my downhill ski partner, and even became great friends with a sensitive, quiet poet who took me to readings and author nights.
I refrained from any exclusive relationships for a while. I went on casual dates with different guys and in effect was dating a bunch of guys at the same time. No strings, no demands, no long term plans. Some became regular dates, like during the opera season we bought season's tickets and went together, usually including a nice dinner. But at the same time I would see other guys. Everything was open and honest and if a guy tried to pressure me then I just backed off and said thanks, goodbye.
It was a chance to get to know a whole bunch of different personalities. It was also a great opportunity to get to know myself better, extend my horizon and try out new things. I made some very interesting discoveries about myself in the process.
Instead of looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Forever, she suggested that I instead start making new male friends and focus on one or two common interests for each one. So I ended up with one who would go to opera with me, another who enjoyed going to theatre and plays, found one who was a terrific dancer and became my escort for many semi-formal and formal evenings with live orchestras and waltzes and polkas, and yet another who was a lot of fun as a pub quiz partner. Found another who became my downhill ski partner, and even became great friends with a sensitive, quiet poet who took me to readings and author nights.
I refrained from any exclusive relationships for a while. I went on casual dates with different guys and in effect was dating a bunch of guys at the same time. No strings, no demands, no long term plans. Some became regular dates, like during the opera season we bought season's tickets and went together, usually including a nice dinner. But at the same time I would see other guys. Everything was open and honest and if a guy tried to pressure me then I just backed off and said thanks, goodbye.
It was a chance to get to know a whole bunch of different personalities. It was also a great opportunity to get to know myself better, extend my horizon and try out new things. I made some very interesting discoveries about myself in the process.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I don't see anything too terribly negative here, and that he has offered transparency is a huge plus. The point where you're still negotiating whether or not you're a couple and what that means is pretty uncertain anyway, and the setup of internet dating doesn't help any. No, you haven't had the talk, it's early, but it sounds like things are going well.
Learning to trust includes letting yourself see what's real and what isn't. You don't know his motivation for logging on. Maybe he was bored, maybe he was trolling for dates, maybe he was checking on you, who knows? If he is playing you off against anyone, you will find out about it eventually. Don't borrow trouble when you can help it.
Similarly, I have recently been battling wondering if this man I'm interested in is flirting with anyone else. To get that compulsion under control, I ask myself, if I did that, would it mean anything? Usually, the answer is no. For example, there's a woman who regularly responds to his posts on FB and it sometimes rubs me the wrong way and I hate it that I react like that. Okay. Well, I have a friend who replies to most of my posts, and yes, he's interesting and I like him, but I'm not dating him. And there's someone whom I respond to a lot on FB because we have a similar sense of humor. But he's married. I'm not hitting on him. So I can let it go about this chick. I bet she's a perfectly nice person. And if he does go out with her, or anyone else, I'll get over it.
So, all of us out there in the dating jungle, let us not draw unfounded conclusions, and not ignore the obvious either.
Learning to trust includes letting yourself see what's real and what isn't. You don't know his motivation for logging on. Maybe he was bored, maybe he was trolling for dates, maybe he was checking on you, who knows? If he is playing you off against anyone, you will find out about it eventually. Don't borrow trouble when you can help it.
Similarly, I have recently been battling wondering if this man I'm interested in is flirting with anyone else. To get that compulsion under control, I ask myself, if I did that, would it mean anything? Usually, the answer is no. For example, there's a woman who regularly responds to his posts on FB and it sometimes rubs me the wrong way and I hate it that I react like that. Okay. Well, I have a friend who replies to most of my posts, and yes, he's interesting and I like him, but I'm not dating him. And there's someone whom I respond to a lot on FB because we have a similar sense of humor. But he's married. I'm not hitting on him. So I can let it go about this chick. I bet she's a perfectly nice person. And if he does go out with her, or anyone else, I'll get over it.
So, all of us out there in the dating jungle, let us not draw unfounded conclusions, and not ignore the obvious either.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
when your dating alot of OVERLY THINKING happens...what if i do this, what if i do that, what if he is this and that....I am 43! i dont have time for that crap!!
for me in dating, as long is he is NOT married(whole lot of stories there), he is datable until further notice[my gut or his mouth is moving(lying)]...
for me in dating, as long is he is NOT married(whole lot of stories there), he is datable until further notice[my gut or his mouth is moving(lying)]...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Until I did some serious work on my insides, dating was a disaster.
I put that aside for many years after I got into recovery from codependency.
I did date a few times in recent years, and quickly realized that both of the fellows (that I dated at separate times) just weren't my cup of tea.
Also, once I stopped "looking" and just kept working on me, that's when the dates started to happen.
I knew I had made some really big strides in recovery when those dates were just that..a date. Then I came home and went on about my business. The dates were just one small piece of my life. I didn't feel insecure in the least.
I put that aside for many years after I got into recovery from codependency.
I did date a few times in recent years, and quickly realized that both of the fellows (that I dated at separate times) just weren't my cup of tea.
Also, once I stopped "looking" and just kept working on me, that's when the dates started to happen.
I knew I had made some really big strides in recovery when those dates were just that..a date. Then I came home and went on about my business. The dates were just one small piece of my life. I didn't feel insecure in the least.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am not ready to date, however I am ready to start considering that I would like to date again at some point in my life.
I made a committment to myself and to my therapist (really to myself but out loud in her presence) that prior to getting into another relationship (really friend or dating because I am struggling with some friendships that I act similarly in) I am going to have a sense of what I want and need. I am not saying you don't have that, but I actually can't write down a list of my wants and needs right now.
Without it I am afraid of what I did previously in relationships. I was ready for a relationship, but I was so excited that someone was interested in me that I did not actually consider if he was for me.
I let a lot of red flags fly by as a result.
I made a committment to myself and to my therapist (really to myself but out loud in her presence) that prior to getting into another relationship (really friend or dating because I am struggling with some friendships that I act similarly in) I am going to have a sense of what I want and need. I am not saying you don't have that, but I actually can't write down a list of my wants and needs right now.
Without it I am afraid of what I did previously in relationships. I was ready for a relationship, but I was so excited that someone was interested in me that I did not actually consider if he was for me.
I let a lot of red flags fly by as a result.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know nothing about dating. But I do have an opinion about men who are on Facebook: Creepy and likely going no where. Maybe that sounds judgmental or harsh but it's just been my experience.
About Mr 2nd Date Off On Vacation: Trust your instincts.
About Mr 2nd Date Off On Vacation: Trust your instincts.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I am not ready to date, however I am ready to start considering that I would like to date again at some point in my life.
I made a committment to myself and to my therapist (really to myself but out loud in her presence) that prior to getting into another relationship (really friend or dating because I am struggling with some friendships that I act similarly in) I am going to have a sense of what I want and need. I am not saying you don't have that, but I actually can't write down a list of my wants and needs right now.
Without it I am afraid of what I did previously in relationships. I was ready for a relationship, but I was so excited that someone was interested in me that I did not actually consider if he was for me.
I let a lot of red flags fly by as a result.
I made a committment to myself and to my therapist (really to myself but out loud in her presence) that prior to getting into another relationship (really friend or dating because I am struggling with some friendships that I act similarly in) I am going to have a sense of what I want and need. I am not saying you don't have that, but I actually can't write down a list of my wants and needs right now.
Without it I am afraid of what I did previously in relationships. I was ready for a relationship, but I was so excited that someone was interested in me that I did not actually consider if he was for me.
I let a lot of red flags fly by as a result.
As for dating again, there is some good advice here. I like the whole concept of dating guys who can be dates for whatever interest you might have. Sounds fun and less stressful to me. However, I think in order to do that you need to be in a place where moving on into another relationship is not your main motivation. You may find yourself falling into the wrong relationship because you have this need for one.
A few comments about on-line dating. I don't have a statistic but I imagine that a guy has to put out 100 emails in order to get a few hits from women. Chances are this guy was communicating with more than just you and probably has emails to answer, etc. He may just be looking for casual relationships. He might just like to see if anyone new has joined. Internet dating is like a candy store for guys...new candy comes in on a daily basis that might be better than what's already on the shelf. He just got out of a relationship so he may be seeing what's out there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm a boring old fart.
I've seen many, many people found companionship, friendship, and love on dating sites.
But the one thing they all had in common was that they tolerated no games and no bullsh*t.
I'm too old and tired to do the playing and posing anymore. So I would just come straight out and ask this guy "are you still dating other women, are you still looking?" just to have that straightened out.
I've seen many, many people found companionship, friendship, and love on dating sites.
But the one thing they all had in common was that they tolerated no games and no bullsh*t.
I'm too old and tired to do the playing and posing anymore. So I would just come straight out and ask this guy "are you still dating other women, are you still looking?" just to have that straightened out.
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