Amber23

I am so mad at myself for losing control and yelling at AH in front of DD. Have I not learned anything?! I guess this is my bottom...realizing I can't keep my mouth shut. I felt like a pressure cooker and exploded....my mantra has been that there is nothing so important I need to say or prove in front of her to AH.....so what happened!?

I adore her more than anything and terrified that I am damaging her. Afraid that AH is right that I am crazy. She is only 3 but I am terrified I have already planted the seeds of poor handling of frustration and codependency.

I will be finding a therapist asap as we finally have insurance.....and Alanon was on the back burner because of my work schedule but I realize that I must heal my head and find positive ways to handle things....(my mom suffers from manic depression etc and I do think some of my poor handling comes from growing up in my frustration with her issues. Seeing similar depressive patterns in AH and having no control. I also noticed lately that when I get fearful of his health I get angry inside rather than sad)

I am just so mad at myself and in tears....the kind that just fall without any effort. My heart hurts. I would do anything for my daughter and yet I didn't let my own need to prove a point to AH take first priority.

i feel so horrible.

Seren

(((Amber23))) I'm not going to tell you it was a good thing...but it is a GREAT thing that you recognize it and are getting help for yourself!! That is huge!!

Yes, I, too, would feel anger at my alcoholic stepson for not taking care of himself. Frustrated that he couldn't see what he was doing to himself.

You are a good mom for seeing these things and working to change them!

sweetteewalls

I actually just did this yesterday in front of 4 year old daughter. It was an awful. Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. Don't make the same mistake again. You will never know what that did to her. You can't change yesterday, only today. Be strong...I know its hard. =(

fourmaggie

slips happen, we are human....

congrats on the awareness!

akalacha

(((Amber))) I can definitely relate to the ¨pressure cooker¨ feeling, and there have been times when I too exploded. We're human, it happens. But you HAVE learned and will continue to. Progress, not perfection. You and your daughter are going to be OK.

dandylion

Amber, somewhere, here on this board, I remember someone saying that when you mold your life around an addict is like molding yourself around mental illness. It will harm you.

I say: Please educate yourself to the facts and nature of alcoholism. Especially how it is like a monster that lives inside of, and controls the alcoholic person. The only way to stop it is abstinance and a vigorous recovery program. Otherwise it will destroy him and drag you and your daughter along with it---if you don't step away.

The "monster doesn't care if you love him. It doesn't care about you---much less, your little daughter. Your husband doesn't know this about the monster---because the monster (disease of alcoholism) is lying to him and distorting HIS reality.

You can see the evidence of this---as evidenced by your unwanted, yet understandable loss of control. You know that something is wrong---hence your decision to get a therapist and willingess to consider alanon. Good for you!!! This says that it is not too late for you and your daughter. It shows that you have strength, and that your daughter is a high priority for you.

Your husband can be saved, also---but only by abstinance and recovery. That is his responsibility. You can't carry it for him. And, it ids not in your (or daughter's) best interest to wait around for him to "see the light".

Therapist, alanon, this board, intensive education about the nature of addiction are your liferaft, right now. I highly recommend the books on co-dependency by Melody Beattie and all the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.---his articles can be found on the website: PsychiatryandWellness.com. These helped me to understand what I didn't know--but needed to!

I can literally feel where you are right now. I have lived the pain. Please, push the guilt aside. Guilt holds you down. Replace it with faith in yourself.

Also, please keep posting here and let us know how you are. We have been there and we care about you.

dandylion.

Amber23

thanks all. I needed to hear these kind words. I am learning. I saw a buddhist book for children about handling anger and other strong emotions. Deciding to get it for her so I can teach her appropriately and teach myself at the same time. Will keep you posted.
much thanks to you all. I needed this.

FireSprite

I wish I could say I never lost my cool in front of DD like you describe, but the truth is I did many times. I always regretted it (like you) but I'm human & I'm unfortunately entitled to having a few very "human" moments.

I always talked to her (even at age 3/4) after I cooled down & apologized which goes a long way, I found. Definitely helps her to feel respected & shows that I'm also accountable for my bad behavior. If it was something I could explain in an age-appropriate way, I did that too.... it all helped her to understand as much as possible.