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Update: AW calls, wants detox, so I drove her...

Old 08-11-2012, 08:32 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Update: AW calls, wants detox, so I drove her...

Hello:

I recently posted that after legally separating from AW last Nov 2011 and then moving to my own apartment in May, she was drunk as ever.

Well, much to my surprise she did call me Friday to say she was checking into detox, had called the hospital, packed a bag, etc. She NEVER went on her own before, usually it took a medical emergency to get her into recovery.

The latest vodka binge for her, has lasted over a year, including a recent 0.35 BAC OWI, which kind of spurred recent events.

Here's where the boundaries and Codie crazy behavior kicks in. She said she called several others, but could I give her a ride? Here I am, remebering telling her, if you ever want to go to detox/rehab, I will give you a ride. So I said, I'll be right there, this is Friday, yesterday, I can do it on my lunch hour.

So I go home and she has a few items of clothing and a magazine sitting in our messy kitchen in the beautiful house where I used to live. She doesn't seem in a particular hurry. It took me 1.5 hours to get her into the car and yes, at one point I said, "I'm leaving in 5 minutes with or without you". Emotionally draining, just exasperating!

A 10 minute ride to the hospital, along the way I was so annoyed and frustrated and full of vinegar, that I decided I would be "throwing mama from the car", a joke that I really like. So I left her dumbfounded at the curb. This is a spoiled woman who wants attention and royal treatment.

Let me wrap this up: my point, deja vu, deja va, NOTHiNG has changed! I already did this 5 times! Today I saw her, and I saw all of the usual, in the course of a 1 hour PAiNFUL visit: 1) thinks she is getting out tomorrow which is crazy, she is shaking like a leaf and can't even walk, said the doctors told her so, 2) interviewed by a psych doctor, completely full of baloney about how long, how much, consequences of her drinking -- and there I am, rolling my eyes, occasionally providing nuggets of truth as if it will make any difference. OMG it sucked.

I am legally separated from this woman. Do I really have to do this anymore? But hey, I got myself into it, you know that!

Also, "John" has visited here twice, this is her loser "friend" who is in the picture.

Then, after a few hours of ruminating, I figured out that I think her main motivation for doing this is to please and impress the court ordered alcohol counselor. This person, in AW's mind, could help her get get her license back.

That's when I realized, I'm just a cog in the machine of her survival plan.

I'm just basically cynical and pissed. You would think that AW's step towards sobriety would be a good thing, instead it's a crazy thing.

What I am saying is, I was sane 48 hours ago, now I am insane. OK I'm done, thanks for listening..
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Old 08-11-2012, 08:46 PM
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Did she have you well-trained for a number of years? Then she is only doing what she learned worked in the past.

But you are better today, you are more self-aware, and you have some boundaries you did not have before.

All you did was give her a ride. You did not move in with her, you did not give her a wad of cash, you did not bail her out of jail, you did not father a child with her.

It was a minor lapse on your part and you learned even more useful things about her which will help you stay in reality about your powerlessness over her addiction.

I suggest you take the day tomorrow to put yourself in the most peaceful, natural place possible, pack a lunch, take some good music, maybe rent a kayak somewhere, whatever you can do to wash away this experience of chaos.

And no, you do not have to repeat this experience.

She is behaving exactly like a sick alcoholic. No surprises there.

But you, in posting here and examining your behaviors, are behaving like a RECOVERING codependent.

Hands off the addict and have a peaceful Sunday.
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Old 08-11-2012, 08:59 PM
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Thanks English Garden, well said, God knows I'm trying. She does have me trained, and in many ways I trained her.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:58 AM
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I am legally separated from this woman. Do I really have to do this anymore?

NO! lol
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Old 08-12-2012, 04:02 AM
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Hi djayr! Sorry about your weekend.

Pretty much what katie said. No, you don't have to do this. In fact, it is recommended that you don't do this--to yourself.

Your separated wife is exactly where she needs to be to receive the care that she needs. If she decides to further pursue her recovery, although it sounds as though she does not, the professionals there will be able to assist her. I hope, for her sake, that she avails herself of these resources.

Please, please take good care of yourself.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:23 AM
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That's when I realized, I'm just a cog in the machine of her survival plan.
That is a helpful way of putting it, thank you.

Don't beat yourself up. It happened for a reason: So you could practice all the new tools you've learned and see how far you have come. I hope you are proud of yourself!
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:20 AM
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your awareness what happened is AWESOME...you did it, and you survived!! and lesson learned....

NOTHING HAS CHANGED....

"NO is a complete sentence...
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