ZiggyB

I thought I was making progress but this afternoon I got back into my own head again. Still feeling lots of animosity towards axbf and even his drinking buddies. The thing that really upsets me is the way he twisted the truth around and made me feel like I was the one with the problem. He even accused me of trying to punch him in the face and then said I just didn't remember it. Huh??? No doubt he is sitting around with them right now getting drunk and making up some more lies about me. I don't know why I should be annoyed at the drinking buddies, I guess because they kept buying him drinks when they knew he was depressed and out of work but he could always have refused them.

Anyway I know rationally that he is a textbook narcissist as well as an addict, and he is the one with the history of angry outbursts, not me. I even know that two of his other exes left him due to these issues. So why do I continue to allow myself to feel bad? There's still this part of me that is resisting the whole experience and not allowing myself to accept it. It still seems so surreal and odd. How could someone you love treat you this way, it keeps running through my head. Oh yeah, he's mentally ill, I keep forgetting.

Part of the anger gets directed back at myself for 1) allowing myself to be treated poorly and 2) for sticking by him when he was at some really low points because I was always trying to be the caring and forgiving one.

Well thanks for letting me vent, I am going to try and do something relaxing and then have fun tonight and hope to get these demons out of my head.

I'm trying to tell myself, he is gone, just let it go.....

battlescars

I feel like these types of break ups are so complicated to get over. First of all you're mourning the person you fell in love with, realizing that that person didn't exist in the first place or is at lease so far gone that they may never return, dealing with false accusations and being misrepresented. It's like layer up layer of devastation. I remember that my break up with my AXF occurred at almost the exact same time as Japan's tsunami devastation last spring and it felt appropriate. Something that my cousin said was that I should stop trying to figure out my ex fiance's behaviour (also a narcissist/alcoholic) because I am a kind and compassionate person who should feel lucky that I could never understand such terrible behaviours. Good luck with your healing!

Shadydeal

It does mess with your mind. As I have said many times, I go back and forth all the time. One second I am really anger, then very sad and then okay! Why would I ever miss my XABF? Gosh who knows and the fact that he tells and believes his lies....really ticks me off. As I sit here typing this I also realize that even thought I feel all these emotions my life is so much better even with the ups and downs. Certainly easier than having his drama and never knowing what was going to happen next!

Katiekate

Yes , they are loaded,

we are abusive, mental, we need help, everything is our fault, they drink because of us, quack quack quack.

One of the veterans here, maybe anvilhead say, what other people think about you is none of your business, I love that.

Just remember it's a bunch of people drinking, loaded, talking smack about you, you must be a very interesting woman to hold their attention for all this time.

It will get easier sweetie, remember , they lie, blame, deny, it's the addiction, addiction never tells the truth.

ZiggyB

Thanks everyone...
I think it will get easier soon.

Lulu39

I never thought of it this way.

My STBXAH's family and friends talk about me all the time. A couple of years ago I befriended one of STBXAH's friend's partner's. She was as rough as guts, but salt of the earth, so I thought. Smart as a whip but just uneducated, so I thought.

I should have twigged when I was at a party at her house and went to go outside via the laundry room. Her SO and most of my STBXAH's mates were all smoking bongs in there. Then she tried to convince me that it was essential we go out "dancing" after the party and take some pills together.

I was disgusted and ended the "friendship" soon after. Since then she has been in the ears of and gossiping about me to anyone who will listen. My STBXAH's family have disowned me due to her gossiping about me. I suspect even my STBXAH participates in all the mud slinging - his behaviour is, after all, all my fault...

Can't wait until he leaves and I am free of this rubbish. I used to care that these people were saying nasty things about me, it still hurts that they do. They all drink at the bar up the road, I have been there twice and left after 30 minutes or so, so why am I the topic of conversation and gossip? I don't get it.

tomsteve

wow!! did this ever bring back flashback or me this morning! i'm a recovering alcoholic and made the big mistake of getting into a relationship with a woman( who was in early recovery) while i was still in early recovery. she kept relapsing and blaming me for all her problems. i went through a lot of crap.
when i finally said," i have had enough" and ended it( wont go into detail on how, but it worked real good!), i wenth through a lot of crap. yup, it was the blame game. callin me constantly blamin me for all the crap in her life and blahbllahblahblah. took the threat of a PPO and some other people stepping in and talkin to her and explaing she was jeopardizing herself before she stopped.

THEN it was the anger!! hooooodogggie am i good at anger, but i didnt want it. culdnt afford it. a very good friend of mine was there and listened to a lot. one day, i was actually tryin to find out WTH was goin on in my mellon and talkin to him and he says," allright,tom, no more pussyfootting around. whats yer part in this? didnt you allow this relationship to happen? didnt you let it go on longer than it should have?" what a *****! but he was right.
Ziggy, you hit exactly what was my problem:

"Part of the anger gets directed back at myself for 1) allowing myself to be treated poorly and 2) for sticking by him when he was at some really low points because I was always trying to be the caring and forgiving one."

i was mad at myself for letting it happen and letting it happen for as long as it did, plus i was trying to "fix" her. as if i was powerful enough to fix her.

so, the solution? i had to see i am human. i make mistakes. i cant help someone that doesnt want help. then forgive myself and herbecause she was sick,too. then the tough one was to remember it and not let it happen again.

JrsJourney

Oh sweet Ziggy...I totally understand your anger however NO ONE in their right mind who is healthy treats another human being the way an addict treats a spouse or SO or GF/BF. It is not healthy behavior because it is a disease and they are sick. This has nothing to do with YOU - it's them and the majority of them are exactly the same. I understand when you say you were always trying to be the caring and forgiving one...but you know what? It's time to care and forgive YOURSELF. Be gentle on yourself. Forgive yourself. Do something that makes you happy. I know I feel better when I get out of my head and do even the simplest thing for me...like a walk or doing my nails. It's time for you now and some good self-healing. Take care hun xo

LifeRecovery

I was talking with my therapist this week and this post resonates with me so much.

I spent a lot of time right after we split mad at myself that nothing I did made it better. I thought I said it in a way that was not an "I" statement, or did not "Say what I mean and mean what I say, but not say in mean," kind of thing. That was how my control stuff came out.

Now a couple of years out what I am mad at is the fact that even with all the evidence showing me that he was living with a disease that he did not want to get better from I stayed (unlike others earlier in his life). I think that is one of the big learning curves I have had from this situation, cause guess what I don't just do it in that relationship, but with others too. Luckily this is in my control, me, and I can make changes around it so I hopefully do not repeat it.

Anger helped me to move away from the situation, and in some ways just the moving was healing.

I love what others think of me is none of my business. I go to some open AA meetings and have heard that a lot there.

Learn2Live

The alcoholics and addicts and people in complete denial have to talk about other people in order to hold up the charade they call their life. In order to continue the lies they live. Those kind of people are delusional. The live their lives thinking that they are the center of the universe and that they are better than everyone else. It's absurd. But it's the only way they can continue their sick thinking and their sick, destructive behavior. They want others to feel badly about themselves so that they can continue to control them; don't let them control you.

Find your truth and declare it!

JustaBloke

Ziggb, sorry for your pain. You are a compassionate person, don't get down on your self for that. Better to be compassionate and kind than an angry, narcissistic, addict. the lies they make to justify the end of each relationship are just that, lies. You know the truth. And his buddies know his deal, they know that a lot of what comes out of his mouth is Bull$hit. They are just there for A drink and a laugh.

This may not help but, but the other possibility is that he is not talking about you. I struggle with this, I want my XGF to be talking and thinking about me. They move on so quick that maybe he is just holding meaningless conversations with others that are not as substantive as those he had with you. He has pushed the truth of your relationship to somewhere deep inside that will come back out later in some form.

Either way you deserve better than that. You deserve someone with compassion and substance. With him it's just lies, and anger.

sweetteewalls

Wow I love this thread. Its what I am going through as well. Separated AH has no sense of reality. Blames me for everything. That's why no contact is a must . Any other way has left me open for the pain of his attack.

ZiggyB

Thanks, I actually hope he has moved on to talking about other things but I know he can be quite angry and spiteful. Either way I never liked his friends that much anyway. :-P

ZiggyB

Thanks, I am trying!

ZiggyB

Thanks for that, you really hit the nail on the head right there.... I am working towards forgiveness of him and myself and definitely do NOT want to get into another situation like this. As much as they are addicted to alcohol we get addicted to this feeling of wanting to help them but it's useless... ya know?

lillamy

Here's how I think about it: What a sad existence this person must have if he spends his time obsessing over what I do or don't do, did or didn't do, instead of living his own life!

AXH hates my guts and would really like it if he never had to see me again and then he befriends people on my Facebook friend list in order to get an "in" and see what I'm up to. I mean, for a guy who's almost 60, that's really mothereffing SAD and nothing else.

I know we want breakups, divorces, etc., to be neatly wrapped up little packages. Almost like, along with the divorce agreement that determines who gets what of aunt Emma's silverware, we also should sign a document agreeing on what happened and the reason for the divorce/breakup. Haha. Yeah. Ain't gonna happen.

He needs to tell his story his way because it needs to make sense to him. Because his priority is to get to continue drinking, he needs to tell a story where his drinking was not a problem, so something else has to be. Addiction is a disease that protects itself. It's like an alien that moves inside the addict and sucks out his life force while growing and thriving. Addiction is not going to allow the host organism to admit that having this addiction may have had something to do with you getting out of his life.