minitaco

I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. My boyfriend just finished a 90 day program in a rehab and is doing amazing. He has been going to at least a meeting a day, if not two... sometimes three! He has a sponsor and calls him every day along with at least 4 to 5 people. He spends time reading the big book and is really taking everything seriously. His mood is so much better and he is all around just a a happier person. It is more than I could ever ask for and I am so proud of the progress he is making.

Here's my problem... I'm jealous of AA as if he were cheating on me with another woman! While I say this I want to make it clear that I would never ever demand him to take time away from his work on the program for my benefit because I know this is what he needs, but I need help coping with this bizarre feeling. I should be grateful for AA and I am. It just feels like he spends every waking moment devoting to this and I finally have my boyfriend back, after not seeing him for three months and spending years with a 'stranger' while he was using. I used to be his person to talk to when he was upset and now he seems to just run to a meeting or call another AAer when he is stressed. Which is great, but I feel like I don't have that connection with him anymore because he doesn't talk to me about his feelings. At least not in any detail like he does with other people working the program. It just makes me feel like a useless girlfriend. It makes me feel bad that these people can make him so much happier than I can.
Furthermore, I think I am jealous of how happy it is making him. I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety and it boggles my mind how quickly he was able to embrace the program and change his way of thinking. His ability to handle stress is not nearly perfect, but he has the right mindset. It makes me wish I had a program too. I guess that says is right there that I should probably start going to Alanon but I tried it once and honestly hated it. I am a very scientific-minded person and the thought of being in any way shape or form spiritual is so foreign and insane to me. And please don't take that as offense to any one here who is spiritual. I know it is an incredible experience and seems to really have given my boyfriend a whole new outlook. I just wouldn't even know where to begin with it myself.


Any suggestions? He's given me some of his AA handouts about the whole religious vs spiritual thing. It's just not clicking for me!

:C002:

Shadydeal

I am sorry you are struggling with things but I think a lot of it is very normal! I think that getting involved with your own program would be helpful to you as well as him. I understand if you aren't comfortable but it might just be the group you went too. I know I do not have much to say that is helpful but I do recall have your same feelings. However, my XABF never was able to stay sober after his 30 day program for more than 30 days after rehab. Hang in there!

SundayGirl2012

Hi Minitaco
Like you, the whole spirituality aspect of Alanon is a deterrent for me. I haven't actually been to a meeting yet because of it. I did find the Melody Beattie book helpful though, skipping over some of the more religiousy bits.

There was also another book I read recently which had a completely non-religious standpoint. Much of the book is about explaining various ways that As can tackle their issues. There is a chapter about how to look after yourself, as the partner of a RA. It's UK-based but might be helpful? It's called 'Help Them Beat The Booze: How to Survive Life with a Problem Drinker' and it's by Helen Tirbutt and Edmund Tirbutt. Someone on SR recommended it to me.

I don't know how you can avoid feeling a bit jealous of AA though, it sounds natural in the circumstances. I'm pleased to hear that he's doing so well - I hope things continue to go well for him. And maybe you could use some of the time that your boyfriend is spending with AA meetings/sponsors/reading to focus on doing things that will contribute to your well-being? My boyfriend is not in a recovery programme but I've been focussing on doing things for my own well-being. I went to the park last weekend and watched the Olympics on a big screen there, soaking up the sunshine (and a bit of rain!), reading the papers, all peaceful. Maybe there's something like that you could do for you?

Take care and good luck
SG

webber1

Dont forget for many AA is the last resort to help stay sober. I dont get your jealousy thing. I went to a few meetings and realised it was the only place my ex felt at home with her " fellow travellers". I certainly wouldnt like to do it for the rest of my life. Cut him some slack because really if AA doesnt work for him then what ???

My ex AH was sober for 8 months embraced AA and I was most impressed.

Problem was she relapsed twice in a week .....

2 months is baby steps.. For me I saw a pyschoanalyst for a couple of months . He made me realise that no healthy person would be where I was. I broke up and am at peace.

I wish you well.

tomsteve

you may want pick up the big book an d read the chpater" the family afterwards" ad "to wives". what you mention is talked about in them chapters and some good suggestions.
he is new to recovery. it is very important for him to work on him. there is a LOT wrong with him and it aint gonna be fixed overnight.

"It makes me feel bad that these people can make him so much happier than I can. "
you are not powerful enough to make him happy or fix him. it isnt the people making him happy. it is his higher power and the footwork he puts in.

you say you "tried" alanon. was that one meeting and it or did you give it time??? i would highly suggest taking a step back to alanon with an open mind.
for the spitiual thing, all it takes is a lil openmindedness to see that maybe, just maybe, them people who are living spiritually really have something you want and maybe, just maybe, there is apower in the universe that can help you,too.. beings how ya explain how you are right now, it doesnt read like the scientific thinking is working too good.

please!!! for yourself, get back to alanon and give it time.

Hopeworks

I was raised by an alcoholic father who not only was an atheist but as children openly mocked and defied God to kill him (usually these dramatic tirades where during fierce electrical storms in order to screw with our young minds in creating intense fear that this scary "God" would actually kill him or that it proved that he did not exist.

My father decided that there was no God because that belief system made it very easy for him to justify his insane and irrational abuse of his family and children. Of course, he never gave any real thought or study to the subject just shook his fist at heaven and called God obsenities and dared him to hit him with lightning and "prove he existed". Then he would smugly look at us terrified kids and say "See ... he doesn't exist".

That "proof" convinced me that God wasn't real and I parroted dear old dad for many years after I left home until my first husband had his first brush with the long arm of the law and his clever attorney suggested we attend church so we could have our "pastor" speak a good word at sentencing that would eventually come along in a year or so.

So there I was sitting in church for the first time listening to people I thought were complete and utter morons for actually believing that there could be a God. By luck (or design) the church we randomly chose was one where intellect, reason and deep discussions about doubt and the meaning of life were encouraged. They had a huge library and I spent thousands of hours studying both sides of the debate about the the existence of a God and the claims of all religions.

Fascinating stuff. Whether one loves him, hates him, denies him, or defies him, it's hard to refute the worldwide fascination with God.

Probably the most important question we will ever answer is what we believe about this subject. How we search for truth and how we ultimately run with it are the choices set before us.

Science has proven we are hardwired in our brains for spirituality and a belief in God. Did God do that or did our brains evolve and somehow develop this fascinating part of being human?

We only know what we know and when we gaze into the heavens or study the incredible complexities of life on this planet (not to mention the vast galaxies beyond us) we know there is so much we simply do not know!

I shared all of that because my detour into a church for selfish reasons changed my life entirely and my personal belief system and it is a matter of opinion whether or not it was a just a weird flukey bizarre event or if it was by design by my HP.

Whether it was an accident or by design I didn't just switch sides of the debate but put a great deal of thought and energy into the question and spent hours debating against God's existence with that pastor (who had the patience of Job!).

That pastor is still a friend and is the pastor of family who adopted the football player in the Blindside movie ... he is an amazing, incredible, fascinating and incredibly intelligent and wellspoken man who very well have been the only human being in my state who could have handled someone as broken, angry and fragile as I was at that time in my life.

He extended the love of God to me with such compassion and intelligence I cannot even begin to describe it to you. It was the hand of God himself through his body here on earth...

Not trying to convince you that God exists but pointing out that whether it is God or just another human being there is a GREAT chance that alanon will bring forth persons or just something that you hear that can be life changing FOREVER!

When you hear God talk (and that stuff used to make my blood boil with anger) remember that those who do believe are only on a journey just like you and I and they only know what they know... and there is so much that all of us do not know! And what we know and what we believe to be true changes all the time!

Look how much each of us has changed what we believe to be true about ourselves and alcoholism and codependency! Thank goodness for learning and growth!

My journey of faith is just my story of how we can go somewhere where we are very uncomfortable and learn from others who believe differently that we do personally.

Please try alanon again and just roll with the God talk... take what you need and leave the rest!

Hypatia

I'm currently living in Germany which is a much more secular country than USA. Over here, AA is simply one of many different paths an alcoholic can choose to reach sobriety. It is considered no better or worse than many other types of programs, and has similar success rates.

A German addiction counsellor warned me to prepare for a common phenomenon which occurs with almost all addicts, including alcoholics. The addictive personality, he explained, will always latch onto at least one addiction. The key, he said, is to find an addiction which is acceptable. An addiction which does not harm the individual, friends and family, or society.

There are many "positive addictions" available. Think about what sort of things people can become quite fanatical about. Exercise, food, various hobbies, work, sports - both participating and viewing, religion and spirituality, political or social causes, the list is endless. Whatever affects the addictive personality's chemistry and gives him whatever psychological "kick" he needs is enough to fulfill this inborn need. It could be argued that all of us have at least one addiction or obsession. The difference is that most people have harmless addictions or ones which are considered acceptable by society at large.

If an atheist were to view this new addiction as simply the redirection of the addictive personality's need for a fix into a safer activity then it might become easier to understand and accept. The danger to the relationship, however, is if the new addiction grows too strong in much the same way as the old one. The sober partner will begin to feel the exact same feelings he had when dealing with the addict's previous alcohol addiction.

What AA and Alanon are very good at doing is directing this addictive behaviour into a safe channel of mainstream religion and/or spirituality. A problem does arise, however, when friends and family do not share similar beliefs. Particularly for atheists, it is very difficult to understand a sudden obsession with God/Creator/Higher Power/Goddess.

I went through a period where I completely lost my faith in God. It took me a while to realise that my problem wasn't with the Creator, but with the man-made organisations, the man-made rules and restrictions, and the men themselves in power positions within the organisation. For me it wasn't the concept of a Higher Power, but how I was being told was the proper and only way to communicate with Her.

There is no one true way. There is no single path. Thus I am very resistant to anyone who tries to tell me what I should do since that is limiting my choices and placing a restriction on my possible actions. I am very open, however, to hearing about what worked for others since they might have tried something new I have never heard about, and thus they have increased my options.

It isn't easy to deal with any sort of fanaticism. A neighbour of mine is really strongly into homeopathic remedies and keeps trying to convince me to stop taking prescribed pills for my migraines and use some tonic of hers which is 99.999% water. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. But if it does work for her then I don't try to stop her from using it. So she "tolerates" my use of traditional chemical medicines, and I "tolerate" her use of placebos.

Right now, AA seems to be working for your boyfriend. You are going to have to decide if you can tolerate it, or not.

JrsJourney

If I ever, ever start to have feelings like that come up I force myself to think of the most horrible time in my relationship and ask myself "Do you want it to be like THAT again?" Everything he is doing is EXACTLY what HE NEEDS to be doing right now. Some AA groups have Alanon connected to them and I love it when my hubby and I can go together, break off for our separate meetings and then re-group afterwards. Also, I read the book Codependent No More -- GOOD STUFF!! You need to think about yourself right now and your own self healing.

JrsJourney

Oh and with regards to the spiritual vs religious thing...it's not religious, it's spiritual and based on a Higher Power (not specifically God). It helped me to look to the universe and nature as a HP.

LostHusband

Ok, my wife came home from rehab (40 days sober) a few days ago. She looked better than ever, really beautiful. Things are going great, MUCH better than expected.

Last night we stayed in a hotel in nice little town with shops and antique stores. We even made love which was unexpected, it was wonderful and I felt more close to her than I have in a long time.

She’s strong in her program, is going to meetings…everything is turning out perfect, better than expected.

Why do I have a new fear…Back ground; been married 15 years and over the few years our relationship became stale and boring and the drinking over the past 2 years didn’t help.

While she was in rehab and when she got out (stayed down in Fla for a week) she has been going to meetings, meeting all kinds of different people (guys). She dresses up and makes herself look really nice. I know it is part of her loving herself again, but I fear that the relationships she builds with these people will be something I can’t compete with. They connect at such a raw level they are bound to develop feelings.

I vowed to change and make our live more exciting and fun, like plan trips and little get a ways like I did last night. I should be so happy right now that everything is going perfect, and I am, but I still have this fear. I spoke to her about this, and she just said stop it, you’re being ridiculous.

Thanks for listening, I just want to her if anyone else has gone through these feelings or just tell me I’m being ridiculous.

fourmaggie

whole spirituality aspect of Alanon

GOD of my understanding

step 3 states:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood HIM

doesnt matter if its a garbage can...its still something HIGHER than you to believe in..

Hypnia posted:
"What AA and Alanon are very good at doing is directing this addictive behaviour into a safe channel of mainstream religion and/or spirituality. A problem does arise, however, when friends and family do not share similar beliefs. Particularly for atheists, it is very difficult to understand a sudden obsession with God/Creator/Higher Power/Goddess.


we learn (in the BOLD letters)...its not my business what family and friends think of my SPIRITULITY...not my problem..ACTUALLY, it should not even be a problem to be brought up on how i do my SELF CARE

lillamy

Well, I second and third and fourth the suggestion of Al-Anon. Nobody's going to push religion on you if it's a group that follows the guidelines. Nobody's going to push anything on you. That's sort of the whole definition of Al-Anon: We share what works for us, and you can feel free to pick out what you can use and leave the rest.

As for jealousy of AA -- here's what I took away from what one lady in Al-Anon said at one meeting I was at: As codependents, we often get involved with addicts thinking our love is going to save them. That if we really just love them enough, or love them right, they will quit drinking/doing drugs. So first it doesn't work. And then you try harder. And it still doesn't work. And then if you're lucky, the addict gets into rehab. And AA. And gets sober. That really is "taking from us" what we sort of had defined as our realm. So yes, it will feel like he's cheating on you because he was willing and able to do for AA what you couldn't make him do. And he continues to go there. So clearly, AA must have something you don't. Bigger boobs? Better hair?

I think the best thing you can do for yourself (and for him) is go to Al-Anon and start learning what his drinking has done to you. It's so easy to think that "now that he's sober everything's going to be perfect" but that might not be the case. If you understand how alcoholism works, and what it does to people (drunks and their loved ones), you have a better chance at living a healthy life. That's all.

Hypatia

It might help to consider it as just another variation on inpatient treatment. Instead of sleeping at the rehab center, he is sleeping at home. But his time is still being completely taken up by his recovery, leaving very little time left over for you.

During inpatient rehab, very often there is only one visiting day per week. Perhaps you two could use a technique often employed by new parents: have a date night once a week.

Meanwhile, you will have to figure out how to deal with the resentment and jealousy you are currently feeling. Letting go is easier said than done, but continuing to live with such strong negative emotions will not help the relationship nor the recovery.

Tuffgirl

Is it jealousy or fear of change?

If it is in fact jealousy, go back to Al-Anon and work your own program. It may help bring you closer as the steps are the same; only the process is different.

If it is fear, Al-Anon can help with that too. I know I was afraid my marriage would not survive any of this, the alcoholism and recovery, And sure enough, it didn't. But by working a program, I was able to get back to a healthier place of living so that when it tanked, I was ready. Now I can move on with no regret or guilt.

Either way, your life as you knew it has changed. Good change can be just as scary as bad change, and we aren't "supposed" to feel scared of good change...but we do because we are human beings.

If you want to be a good partner, let him have all the space he needs because he is in the fight of his life. Literally. And let this time be one where you can focus on yourself. There is no way anyone can go through active addictions with a significant other without being traumatized in some way or another.

Hypatia

Look over the "Secular Recovery" section of this forum. You'll find information about alternatives which might click better with your world view.

FireSprite

Yes, I've felt this way. I think I've said in this forum before that I felt abandoned for Bud Light when AH was drinking & abondoned for AA in his sobriety. I realllllllly struggled hard with this in the early days of his recovery especially. (the first 90 days seemed impossibly hard & then it lessened over time but was still difficult for months.) I think there are a few reasons.

In the earliest part of his recovery I had no reason to believe AA was going to work, that he'd stay dedicated, that he'd actually benefit from any program, that he really WANTED to change.

Then it was hard to see him getting help, feeling better but feeling stuck myself. For me I had no idea how out of control AH's drinking had gotten until he fessed up & started AA.... I was piecing it together but we were just back together after a 2-yr separation & he had gotten great at hiding it... so I felt upside-down just from learning what was happening under my own nose... & pretty relieved to FINALLY have a logical answer!.... but still I felt inside-out & didn't immediately relate to so many other Codies. I wasn't living in crisis & so many others really do have it so much worse off. I'm strong, I know I am, but I lacked education on addiction. That's how I found myself here at SR.

I felt like I was stuck in the same dance in some ways (bills, kid, schedule, responsibilities) but he could just run off to a meeting... & if I didn't just say, "Yeah, sure, whatever you need!" then I'm being an unsupportive spouse somehow. It's a fine line.

Part of my ego felt like a failure because these strangers were able to help him & reach him & understand him in ways I didn't/couldn't. That as his partner I had somehow failed, but in reality I think I was just used to being in control. (Note: for me I was/am *used* to being in control, I don't necessarily *want* to be.... this is an ACOA issue I've only just identified with) Still, it feels like these relative strangers know him more intimately than I do on some level.

Once I could take a big step back & see more clearly I realized OF COURSE these people could help in ways I couldn't... I'm NOT an alcoholic. I can have enormous empathy, but I'm not an addict so there's a certain point where we just disconnect.

And now after a year, they aren't all strangers. Sometimes now, I'm really happy that he has a safe place where he is always welcomed & he's no better or worse than anyone else there. That he has a place of comfort to go & listen & BS with the old timers & learn that he isn't the first person to screw up his life & work hard to fix it. It's easier now because he attends weekly but sometimes adds meetings when he's feeling particularly stressed. It's also easier because I can see how it has helped him, see the changes, hear his dialogue has changed. If he were just treating it like a social network or attending meetings but not working the program, it'd be different.

I'm not at all religious but I'm very spiritual. I haven't found the time for Alanon but I work on my spirituality daily in so many, many ways. That is #1 for me in healing myself as a whole, individual person. I try to arrange these activities while he's off at a meeting but that doesn't always work out, & if not then so-be-it. I'm learning to take time for me outside of his schedule & I was horrified to realize how long I'd been living my life that way.

Like another poster mentioned, if the alternative is to have my old AH back then NO THANK YOU. Hang in there!

Cyranoak

AA doesn't need to click for you. It's none of your business, unless you are an alcoholic. What you might consider, and what might click for you if you are capable of keeping an open mind, and you probably are, is to try six Alanon meetings, some different, to see if it can work for you.

I say this as somebody who wishes their wife would go to AA meetings every day of the week. That's who I'm jealous of, people whose addicts go to seven meetings a week.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

Meadow11

I'm not nearly an expert but I think that part of the reason you may have chosen him as a boyfriend is that he "needed" you. I third the idea of going back to Alanon and figuring out why you need him to need you.

Hypatia

Perhaps reading this old thread might be helpful to gain a different perspective on Alanon and show how it can differ a lot from group to group:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...gion-rant.html

fireproofing

I wonder how often this happens...I mean isn't this all part of co-dependency and all? I think I have been working both consciously and unconsciously away from a life of co-dependency for years now. It's clear to me that I had a real nack for choosing people to be in my life who "needed" me. It was a way to deny the need to deal with my own anxieties and depressive tendencies... I agree that this is a good question to ask yourself.

I also wonder how often once someone has gotten sober, relationships don't work out any longer?