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How do you stop caring & move on?

Old 08-10-2012, 11:04 PM
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How do you stop caring & move on?

Hi,
I haven't posted in a long time but I need some help and support. My AH is driving me nuts. I just got home from a much needed vacation with my kids that he decided not to go on. I figured he would be happy to see me but instead he has spent the evening getting drunk & getting angry with me. I haven't done a thing to deserve it. I know, I really know I need to just move on with my life and divorce his sorry a**, but I just can't seem to get to that point. Everyone says you will know when you are done, and sometimes I feel done, but then I always stay. Everyday I feel more and more invisible to him. I make myself sick over it. I am constantly having stomach issues and I can't sleep at all anymore. I don't know what kind of advice I'm searching for, maybe I just needed to vent. Sometimes I just feel bat sh** crazy. Like my life is such a joke...my husband doesn't even care about me....what is wrong with me?? Why can't I just leave? I know I am better than this...
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Old 08-10-2012, 11:11 PM
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Get some outside support. I think what happens is that a person gets worn down and their self esteem suffers, terribly . . .you get used to being treated like **** . . .and you take what you should not take in hopes that things will get better, but they never do get better and you become an emotional punching bag. And that is not good for you and not good for your kids.
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Old 08-11-2012, 12:23 AM
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I agree 100% with seek. I just left my AW. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I got a lot of strength from friends, family (mine and hers, but I suggest staying away from hers) and even a few select coworkers. Also some of the AW's friends supported me, stay away from them too though.

I found that after I left her, she would throw guilt trip after guilt trip on me, saying things like you are breaking up our family to I'm going to be homeless. All that made me want to come back and rescue her. But what I did was call, text, email or talk in person to one of my group of people. And talk it out with them. When you tell someone else what she told you, you realize it is crazy, and that she is the person doing this to the family and to her self.
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Old 08-11-2012, 04:42 AM
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Remember every horrible drunken thing he has ever done.

Every time he yelled at you and accused YOU of being the reason he drinks and abuses you.
Every time he has done something stupid and embarrassed you and your family.
Every job he has lost.
Every family occasion or holiday he has ruined.
Every time you have had to wipe up urine.
Every time you went to events alone because he was too drunk to go.
Every time he couldn't go to work because he was too hung over.

That's what I do.
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:42 AM
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I had to break the question you asked into two spots.

I still cared, a lot. I still had to move on however.

I was able to do that by the ways already posted. I thought for a long time though that I cared so I could not move on....I had to start caring about myself more.
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Old 08-11-2012, 07:13 AM
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Wow, LifeRecovery, that is an incredibly insightful thought.

You are so right, we so often think "I love A so much" trumps any other feeling, especially "I cannot live with alcoholic chaos anymore".

You are right, they are 2 equally valid ideas and they CAN co-exist.

That was one of the traps I fell into for many years, and I never understood the psychological mechanism that you've just articulated.

How incredibly freeing!!!!

BothSidesNow
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Old 08-11-2012, 07:40 AM
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Caligirl - Have you thought about seeing a therapist? It can be so, so helpful. If you've spent many years in a household like this your psyche and sense of self-worth can become severely damaged. A therapist can help you regain a healthy perspective, and provide encouragement and support through these difficult days. The process might just save your life.
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Old 08-11-2012, 09:29 AM
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I am at the same place as you right now. I am trying to figure out financially how to do it. My biggest concern in that AH who is now in detox for the second time in a year loses his job and his benefits, not for me (I can worry about me) but for our teenagers. It is only by the grace of God that he doesn't have a DUI anywhere on his record. As others have suggested please tale to a therapist and start a list of things you need to do to make yourself healthy and happy and start checking them off. That's what I have. It makes me feel in control.
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:01 AM
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LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
I love this, especially the line above. Thank you for sharing, tomsteve.
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
Hi,
I haven't posted in a long time but I need some help and support. My AH is driving me nuts. I just got home from a much needed vacation with my kids that he decided not to go on. I figured he would be happy to see me but instead he has spent the evening getting drunk & getting angry with me. I haven't done a thing to deserve it. I know, I really know I need to just move on with my life and divorce his sorry a**, but I just can't seem to get to that point. Everyone says you will know when you are done, and sometimes I feel done, but then I always stay. Everyday I feel more and more invisible to him. I make myself sick over it. I am constantly having stomach issues and I can't sleep at all anymore. I don't know what kind of advice I'm searching for, maybe I just needed to vent. Sometimes I just feel bat sh** crazy. Like my life is such a joke...my husband doesn't even care about me....what is wrong with me?? Why can't I just leave? I know I am better than this...
Could it be that you are not taking care of yourself? Could it be that every single day you are focused on everyone else and their comfort and how THEY feel and what THEY want and what THEY need, and you are ignoring yourself, how you feel, what you want, and what you need? Could it be that you put everyone else first and put yourself LAST? Could it be that you don't even KNOW how to take care of yourself, or take care of yourself before you take care of anyone or everyone else? Could it be that you feel badly about yourself because you are being ignored and not cared about?
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Old 08-11-2012, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Could it be that you are not taking care of yourself? Could it be that every single day you are focused on everyone else and their comfort and how THEY feel and what THEY want and what THEY need, and you are ignoring yourself, how you feel, what you want, and what you need? Could it be that you put everyone else first and put yourself LAST? Could it be that you don't even KNOW how to take care of yourself, or take care of yourself before you take care of anyone or everyone else? Could it be that you feel badly about yourself because you are being ignored and not cared about?

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Old 08-11-2012, 03:22 PM
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In my case, I cared a lot and I still care about him...

But the relationship was killing me inside, I was so tired of the constant chaos, worrying about his drinking, the irritable mood swings, the rude and inconsiderate behavior and the verbal abuse. It took a real toll on me as I found myself becoming increasingly anxious, angry and unproductive at work.

Even today I still love him and there are parts of the relationship I miss terribly but I don't miss walking around on eggshells, getting yelled at, feeling ignored, unloved and unheard.

Why do you wan to stay in a situation that makes you miserable and is making you sick and unhealthy? Being alone is scary, I know.... but not having to deal with someone else's drinking and anger is a blessing.
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Old 08-11-2012, 03:51 PM
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You know, the more I think about this the more my own stuff is making sense to me. When I separated from my now recovering alcoholic husband in the past (2 times) it wasn't because I didn't love HIM - it was because I hated the disease and the person he would become when actively drinking and drugging. Oh I love HIM for sure but I hate his disease. I was separating myself from the disease. I could not live that way. When my "real husband" (the sober one) decided to come back to the land of the living and recover then we got back together. He knows the boundaries (set up by detaching with love) that if he is in active disease state he is not to be here in this home; no excuses. So the choice is his. If he decides to use then out the door he goes. If he decides to go to his meetings, work the steps and make healthy progress then he is taking an active role in his recovery (and I do the same with Alanon). It's the only way life is sane for me/us. It's pretty cut and dry so there leaves no room for misunderstanding. We all have choices. We all can set boundaries. Good luck to you
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Could it be that you are not taking care of yourself? Could it be that every single day you are focused on everyone else and their comfort and how THEY feel and what THEY want and what THEY need, and you are ignoring yourself, how you feel, what you want, and what you need? Could it be that you put everyone else first and put yourself LAST? Could it be that you don't even KNOW how to take care of yourself, or take care of yourself before you take care of anyone or everyone else? Could it be that you feel badly about yourself because you are being ignored and not cared about?
Yes..Thank you for all your replies. It is nice to have support. Today was really, really bad. He left to hang out with his drinking buddies and probably won't show up until tomorrow. I know I need to focus on me. Today, I realized I really need help. I'm going to call and schedule an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I'm going to work on ME. I am so sick of the ups and downs. Some days he's awesome, others not so much. I just never know...
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:53 PM
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*How do you stop caring and move on?* was the question...

why do you feel you need to STOP caring?...you can stop alot of things but feelings need to be GRIEVED and there is a process...until you are aware that you need to greive him and all those resentments, will only and only will you be able to move on...

my A left me for I was able to stop all my co dependent ways..enabling was the worse...he left...I still care for him, but not his disease..and so far, his disease is his #1 in his life and after 2 1/2 years still is...I feel compassion for him that he feels he is not worthy of alot of things, including getting well for himself...but he can only do that for himself...

I have not stopped caring...but i refuse for my well being and my health to be him...and I can SEE CLEARLY NOW
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Old 08-11-2012, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
*How do you stop caring and move on?* was the question...

why do you feel you need to STOP caring?...you can stop alot of things but feelings need to be GRIEVED and there is a process...until you are aware that you need to greive him and all those resentments, will only and only will you be able to move on...

SEE CLEARLY NOW
I guess I just feel it would be easier to move on if I didn't care so much about him. I know, in the end, that alcohol comes first for him and he really doesn't value our marriage or kids much anymore. I just kept thinking that he would wake up and realize what he was missing out on but I need to stop dreaming....
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I guess I just feel it would be easier to move on if I didn't care so much about him. I just kept thinking that he would wake up and realize what he was missing out on but I need to stop dreaming....
At my Al-Anon meeting the other night the topic was the three As
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

I had to be aware before other things could change. The majority of that change had to come from me. I could not make that change without awareness.

I also had this idea that recovery meant I knew this stuff, (for example knew how to detach with love) or separate for it to look good or work. I am realizing now that those were the lessons I needed to learn by experiencing what I did. That does not make it easier, or less emotional but it does give me a chance to not beat myself up.

Reality is the ground for liberation. Ticht Naht Hanh This really helped me when I was feeling like you did. Liberation of course meaning whatever you personally want it to mean, not necessarily liberation from yourself.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I just kept thinking that he would wake up and realize what he was missing out on but I need to stop dreaming....
hun, until you get out of the FANTASY world and realize your living it REAL with an alcolohic, it will be more of an insight...i know you are not in denial, but in some quotes you are in denial...

alcoholism is progress and it is a disease....
things cant CHANGE if there is no CHANGE

ANGE...its your choice what you want out of life in HIS alcoholism world...this will only get worse for you...it effects everything you do...they take HOSTAGES....

so some soul searching, and alot of self care..and you make a choice for YOU..not the A in your life
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Old 08-12-2012, 11:58 AM
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Thanks you for all your kind words. I had a sleepless night and can't bring myself to eat. Like usual, he never even bothered to call me. Is he alive? Is he dead? Did he sleep with someone else? I can't function anymore. I'm seriously crazy. First thing in the morning I am scheduling with a therapist. My next step is a divorce attorney. I just can't deal with this anymore. I am going to end up in a hospital and then who is going to take care of my kids? Seriously, how do people cope? I am not strong enough...I'm just so, so sad to accept this is my reality.......
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