First Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
First Post
I apologize for errors or missing details, I am posting from my phone. I've been reading this board for a while now, absorbing advice, and realizing how many others are living parallel lives.
I've come to terms that my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He and I both have successful careers, though he is more successful than I. We have a toddler child, and I am expecting our second. In typical manner, my ADH is funny, charming, smart, etc., when sober. But I hate when he is not.
I would say my ADH drinks 1-2 bottles of wine per night. Every night. In addition, he takes heavy sleep meds after drinking which make him weird and say crazy things. He will try to have deep discussions late at night, and he makes no sense. I've learned to not engage, but that usually ends in hurtful words being hurled by him. I have told him that I do not like the person he is while drinking.
In the past week, I sent him a note telling him how his drinking made me feel. I tried to use "I" not "you". But I did tell him my next stop was a divorce attorney. Literally the next day, we had a personal tragedy that his drinking was a factor, but not the entire cause. If you don't mind, I choose to not discuss it now, but he wasn't abusive, arrested, or the like. As a result, he didn't drink for 2 days, quit his sleeping pills, and was very supportive, but it didn't last.
So where we are today...
I had a business dinner the other night, no big deal. When I got home at 8pm, our toddler ran up to me asking me for things. When I asked where Daddy was, they replied "he's sleeping." I go in the living room, he is passed out and there is a steak knife on the coffee table where our child could easily grab it. It's an extremely sharp knife.
I had to shake him awake. When he woke up, he was bleary and disoriented. Wouldn't or couldn't answer me what was going on. He laid there for a bit and passed out again some time later.
We did not really speak yesterday or today (so far). I am trying to not be the martyr here, I'm going about my life with our toddler and only interacting with him if I must. He's slept in the guest room the past 2 nights, and did not drink yesterday, so I know he knows he messed up, I just don't know how much he remembers.
I'm in tears writing this. This is the first time he's put our child at risk, but it's one time too many. I have to take a stand to protect our children. I've spoken with an attorney. Our state does not do legal separations. I must file for divorce.
Honestly, I don't want to pull the plug, but I know staying isn't an option either. He will be good for a bit, then we will be back here in 3-6 months. I want better for my kids, better for me, and better for him. I know I can't fix him, but I don't know exactly what to do.
Do I simply file? Or do I ask that one of us moves out? I just really don't see him doing outpatient or rehab or never having a drink again.
Sorry this is so long. I'm heading home, but wil check in and provide more details if needed. Thank you in advance.
I've come to terms that my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He and I both have successful careers, though he is more successful than I. We have a toddler child, and I am expecting our second. In typical manner, my ADH is funny, charming, smart, etc., when sober. But I hate when he is not.
I would say my ADH drinks 1-2 bottles of wine per night. Every night. In addition, he takes heavy sleep meds after drinking which make him weird and say crazy things. He will try to have deep discussions late at night, and he makes no sense. I've learned to not engage, but that usually ends in hurtful words being hurled by him. I have told him that I do not like the person he is while drinking.
In the past week, I sent him a note telling him how his drinking made me feel. I tried to use "I" not "you". But I did tell him my next stop was a divorce attorney. Literally the next day, we had a personal tragedy that his drinking was a factor, but not the entire cause. If you don't mind, I choose to not discuss it now, but he wasn't abusive, arrested, or the like. As a result, he didn't drink for 2 days, quit his sleeping pills, and was very supportive, but it didn't last.
So where we are today...
I had a business dinner the other night, no big deal. When I got home at 8pm, our toddler ran up to me asking me for things. When I asked where Daddy was, they replied "he's sleeping." I go in the living room, he is passed out and there is a steak knife on the coffee table where our child could easily grab it. It's an extremely sharp knife.
I had to shake him awake. When he woke up, he was bleary and disoriented. Wouldn't or couldn't answer me what was going on. He laid there for a bit and passed out again some time later.
We did not really speak yesterday or today (so far). I am trying to not be the martyr here, I'm going about my life with our toddler and only interacting with him if I must. He's slept in the guest room the past 2 nights, and did not drink yesterday, so I know he knows he messed up, I just don't know how much he remembers.
I'm in tears writing this. This is the first time he's put our child at risk, but it's one time too many. I have to take a stand to protect our children. I've spoken with an attorney. Our state does not do legal separations. I must file for divorce.
Honestly, I don't want to pull the plug, but I know staying isn't an option either. He will be good for a bit, then we will be back here in 3-6 months. I want better for my kids, better for me, and better for him. I know I can't fix him, but I don't know exactly what to do.
Do I simply file? Or do I ask that one of us moves out? I just really don't see him doing outpatient or rehab or never having a drink again.
Sorry this is so long. I'm heading home, but wil check in and provide more details if needed. Thank you in advance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi there and welcome, so sorry, what you are describing sounds very very hard and painful.
The situation with your AH sounds pretty dire, given the fact that your child is in harms way due to his actions. One thing that is important to remember is that this disease is progressive, and so it progresses. Also I am not sure what sleep med he takes, but that on top of the drinking is a very dangerous and scary combination. Sleeps meds can be as addictive and as destructive as booze.
You might want to reframe all of the questions you are asking, and direct them all around what is best for you and your child right now. As far as filing, I can't say, but from what you have posted, it sounds like it is headed in that direction. Unfortunately, when we are faced with addiction, all things the addict does, is to support that behavior, and we as spoused, gf's, husbands etc... have literaly no control over the trajectory of that disease, it is truly up to the user.
Alanon, could be a good resource for you, as well as individual therapy. I am so sorry for your pain. If you have not already, please read the stickies at the top of the page. We are here, and we care, please keep posting.
love to you Katie
The situation with your AH sounds pretty dire, given the fact that your child is in harms way due to his actions. One thing that is important to remember is that this disease is progressive, and so it progresses. Also I am not sure what sleep med he takes, but that on top of the drinking is a very dangerous and scary combination. Sleeps meds can be as addictive and as destructive as booze.
You might want to reframe all of the questions you are asking, and direct them all around what is best for you and your child right now. As far as filing, I can't say, but from what you have posted, it sounds like it is headed in that direction. Unfortunately, when we are faced with addiction, all things the addict does, is to support that behavior, and we as spoused, gf's, husbands etc... have literaly no control over the trajectory of that disease, it is truly up to the user.
Alanon, could be a good resource for you, as well as individual therapy. I am so sorry for your pain. If you have not already, please read the stickies at the top of the page. We are here, and we care, please keep posting.
love to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Dear Obstructed View,
I think your view is less and less obstructed. By the end of your last post, it was clear to you that you have to protect your toddler, first, last, and always.
I'd suggest that you look at your living situation and the changes that you may need to make in terms of the safety and well being of your child. If that means that you ask him to leave, then do it.
Someone in another post recently - maybe Mike - recommended taking pictures of the unsafe situation your AH creates for your child when he drinks. With those pictures, you can probably make it clear to him why he should not be in charge of your child.
You are starting to think very clearly, and that is so hard to do in this kind of emotional chaotic life. I am impressed by your honesty.
Keep posting, keep coming here, we're all here for you.
BothSidesNow
I think your view is less and less obstructed. By the end of your last post, it was clear to you that you have to protect your toddler, first, last, and always.
I'd suggest that you look at your living situation and the changes that you may need to make in terms of the safety and well being of your child. If that means that you ask him to leave, then do it.
Someone in another post recently - maybe Mike - recommended taking pictures of the unsafe situation your AH creates for your child when he drinks. With those pictures, you can probably make it clear to him why he should not be in charge of your child.
You are starting to think very clearly, and that is so hard to do in this kind of emotional chaotic life. I am impressed by your honesty.
Keep posting, keep coming here, we're all here for you.
BothSidesNow
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello ObstructedView, Welcome to SR!
How frightening that must have been to see your toddler without any supervision and a knife right out in the open! I'm so sorry you had to come home to that!!
It sounds as though your husband just isn't ready to quit yet. I'm sorry to hear about that, too.
I can tell by your post that you realize the need to protect your child and the one on the way. If you have any doubts about raising a child in an alcoholic home, please take a moment to read through our 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents' forum.
The good news is: you also don't have to have all of this solved in one day! Take your time, make a plan for the best course of action for you and your children. Come back here to read and ask questions as often as you need. We get it....really, we do.
How frightening that must have been to see your toddler without any supervision and a knife right out in the open! I'm so sorry you had to come home to that!!
It sounds as though your husband just isn't ready to quit yet. I'm sorry to hear about that, too.
I can tell by your post that you realize the need to protect your child and the one on the way. If you have any doubts about raising a child in an alcoholic home, please take a moment to read through our 'Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents' forum.
The good news is: you also don't have to have all of this solved in one day! Take your time, make a plan for the best course of action for you and your children. Come back here to read and ask questions as often as you need. We get it....really, we do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I am so sorry you are going through this. YOU need support - working and pregnant and caring for a toddler in and of itself is stressful, but with someone actually harming your environment . . .it is a crisis.
You must get help and support for yourself and your child. I don't know if you can take a vacation or something to give you some space to care for yourself and sort your life out, but you have to find a way to live that is less stressful for yourself, your toddler and your unborn child.
Do you have friends or family that can help you while you transition if you should decide to leave your husband or ask him to leave? Can you go live with a relative until it is all sorted out?
You need allies - emotional and spiritual, at the minimum and physical, if possible. You need assistance.
Praying for your strength and resilience and clarity.
You must get help and support for yourself and your child. I don't know if you can take a vacation or something to give you some space to care for yourself and sort your life out, but you have to find a way to live that is less stressful for yourself, your toddler and your unborn child.
Do you have friends or family that can help you while you transition if you should decide to leave your husband or ask him to leave? Can you go live with a relative until it is all sorted out?
You need allies - emotional and spiritual, at the minimum and physical, if possible. You need assistance.
Praying for your strength and resilience and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Though he has not been physically violent, I simply do not trust the addict brain when it is threatened, and your AH is likely to be very very angry when you file for divorce.
So I recommend putting together an advance plan to leave the house: the day, the place you will go--temporarily or permanently--and have friends or family help you with whatever necessary items you decide to take. Leave when the AH is certain to be someplace else and do not let him know you are leaving that day.
Let your lawyer notify your AH of the filing after you are safely out, either by phone, fax, or email. And ask your lawyer how to handle all the rest of the legal issues...the children, the property, all of it.
I am frankly terrified of dealing with people in active addiction, and I would never be alone while telling an alcoholic something I knew would make him angry.
I would like to see you and your child out of range of his rage.
You are doing the right thing. He is an active alcoholic and no child should EVER be living with one.
Best of luck and I hope we can be of support.
So I recommend putting together an advance plan to leave the house: the day, the place you will go--temporarily or permanently--and have friends or family help you with whatever necessary items you decide to take. Leave when the AH is certain to be someplace else and do not let him know you are leaving that day.
Let your lawyer notify your AH of the filing after you are safely out, either by phone, fax, or email. And ask your lawyer how to handle all the rest of the legal issues...the children, the property, all of it.
I am frankly terrified of dealing with people in active addiction, and I would never be alone while telling an alcoholic something I knew would make him angry.
I would like to see you and your child out of range of his rage.
You are doing the right thing. He is an active alcoholic and no child should EVER be living with one.
Best of luck and I hope we can be of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Thank you all. I started gathering things together, things that my attorney recommended I get (my car title, bank and retirement statements, ID's, etc). It's going to take me a bit longer.
I could go to family, but honestly, I'm embarrassed and don't want to drag them into this. I do tend to pull into myself during stressful situations, and I don't want to air my family's dirty laundry or answer her inevitable questions. I fully believe he wouldn't be violent, but I do believe he will be pissed off. In the past he has told me he will not leave his house.
To be honest with all of you, I'm scared. Not of him, scared to be alone, scared to walk out on my marriage, scared to "break up" our family. I can sit here and rationally know its the right thing to do, but I know why I haven't. Because I'm too weak or scared to end things permanently.
And yes, I know I need emotional help. I recently got on meds and am looking for a new therapist to handle some grief issues I've been struggling with (doesn't help the situation). I may look for a therapist who specializes in addiction instead. My old therapist is no longer covered by our insurance.
I want my husband, my marriage, my family. But I'm scared that if I leave him, he will see it as me abandoning him and our family, and instead of taking the steps to fix the issue, go into permanent fight against me. And then we won't even have a chance. Are there any recommendations for how I can show him I support him while also protecting myself and my child? I've been reading about "detaching with love", but it sounds really hard to do in practice.
Ugh, I hate how I sound. Whiney, weak, full of excuses. If a friend told me this story, I'd tell her to snap out of it and do what she needs to do.
I could go to family, but honestly, I'm embarrassed and don't want to drag them into this. I do tend to pull into myself during stressful situations, and I don't want to air my family's dirty laundry or answer her inevitable questions. I fully believe he wouldn't be violent, but I do believe he will be pissed off. In the past he has told me he will not leave his house.
To be honest with all of you, I'm scared. Not of him, scared to be alone, scared to walk out on my marriage, scared to "break up" our family. I can sit here and rationally know its the right thing to do, but I know why I haven't. Because I'm too weak or scared to end things permanently.
And yes, I know I need emotional help. I recently got on meds and am looking for a new therapist to handle some grief issues I've been struggling with (doesn't help the situation). I may look for a therapist who specializes in addiction instead. My old therapist is no longer covered by our insurance.
I want my husband, my marriage, my family. But I'm scared that if I leave him, he will see it as me abandoning him and our family, and instead of taking the steps to fix the issue, go into permanent fight against me. And then we won't even have a chance. Are there any recommendations for how I can show him I support him while also protecting myself and my child? I've been reading about "detaching with love", but it sounds really hard to do in practice.
Ugh, I hate how I sound. Whiney, weak, full of excuses. If a friend told me this story, I'd tell her to snap out of it and do what she needs to do.
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