Progress not Profection
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
Progress not Profection
Well I have been working hard on my recovery/issues for over a year and somedays I think I am doing real well and others I feel like I am taking a step backward. My RAH has his annual cookout at work and I get a flash back to the times I hated the cookout because he would drink all day at the cookout and not come home until who knows when. Even though it has been 4 years since the last drunk at the cookout I cant help having the nervous feeling in my stomach. I am trying to work on it by myself today but still wanted to share it with SR.
Not sure if I should tell my RAH how I feel or is it none of his business it is my recovery - What do you think?
Sometimes it is still so hard but it is much better.
THANKS SR for everything
Not sure if I should tell my RAH how I feel or is it none of his business it is my recovery - What do you think?
Sometimes it is still so hard but it is much better.
THANKS SR for everything
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I have no advice but am writing to say I really resonate with your feeling of trepidation. There have been so many bad things that have happened related to alcoholism, that I get a "bad feeling" whenever there is anything that triggers such memories.
Is there anyone you can take with you from the recovery community who could be of support? I pray for spiritual support and that seems to help a little bit - that and having good boundaries and noticing what is going on and leaving if it gets weird at all.
Is there anyone you can take with you from the recovery community who could be of support? I pray for spiritual support and that seems to help a little bit - that and having good boundaries and noticing what is going on and leaving if it gets weird at all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
i understand these feelings, as well. my xabf often went to work conventions out of town with his friends and, while i was always excited for his opportunity to network, knowing that he would be drunk most of the weekend left me with a racing heart and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. one of the last conventions he went to was in boston, and i got a nice little text from him saying that he and his friends had taken a cab to cheers, followed by another text telling me they were given vip access at another bar for the evening (free drinks all night!). i knew about the boston trip months in advance, and made the mistake of expressing a hint of concern to him. all hell broke loose, and no amount of me saying that i was excited for his opportunity, or that i wasn't trying to put a damper on his fun would pacify him. i expressed my feelings, and it just flat pissed him off. i learned to avoid expressing such feelings to him in the future, and relied on my best friend and counselor at school to be my sounding board.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I JUST experienced this, seriously, last week.
I take a business trip every summer to a symposium hosted by our Home Office many states away. It's 2 1/2 days, a very fast & intense training session that leaves me exhausted. I've done this for 5 years now.
Every. Stinkin. Year. AH would go into one of his binges & drop DD with my family so that he could 'work' & when I return it always ended in huge arguments & that same old circle of lies, yada yada yada. (You alllll know how this part goes.)
This year I found myself experiencing a huge amount of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the trip. AH has been sober for just over 1 full year, he hasn't given me ANY reason in all of that time to believe that he is going to repeat past behaviors, but I couldn't seem to stop my anxiety from mounting. I was honestly acting pretty b@tchy for no apparant reason.
I eventually recognized the upcoming trip as my trigger & for me I have to change my perception of a trigger in order to deal with it. {And yes, I have to deal with it because I will have to take this trip annually for as long as I work for this company.} I honestly told AH that I was feeling anxious, that in the past this trip=huge issues for us & my insides were on fire with adreneline & nerves just from the memories... but that I also realized he's not the same person he's been in past years & I have no reason to expect a repeat of that behavior.... he just needed to know where my head was at & not take it personally... but also realize that this is a LEGIT trigger that I need to be able to work through without him getting defensive or p$ssy with guilt... I did not get into details, did not bring up a single past action or throw off an ounce of blame or passive aggressive behavior... I didn't want to hash past events, I wanted to move forward in the healthiest way I could.
He's sober & working a program so I didn't feel like I needed to pussyfoot around the issue - that bringing it up in a respectful way would help us keep open communication about something happening in our lives, between us. We talk about a lot of things to do with both of our recoveries, so why not this? If he were only in the first few weeks of sobriety I'd have handled it differently, I'm sure. But at 1 year I felt like we were both in a good place to be able to deal with something like this.
Like I said, he's not given me any current reasons to expect a repeat performance this year & ultimately if he was waiting for this moment to relapse I couldn't know it or control it anyway. There's a huge amount of peace in that kind of realization (to me).
For me the only way to change my perception of this trip was to get through it without incident which hopefully translates a new "normal" definition for me. I changed as many details about the trip as I could to make it seem different & thanked my HP that this is the year they chose to change the venue... that helped so much. I scheduled myself for the gym & sauna as often as possible to help ease my stress & help me to sleep well. I stayed in normal contact with him, no crazy texting wars or constant checking in. I used the hotel business computer & logged in here but only lurked for a bit, posted one response & pulled away when I felt myself triggering again.
The trip went smoothly without incident & by the time I got home I felt like I had really handled this in a way that will reduce future anxiety. Just my recent experience!
I take a business trip every summer to a symposium hosted by our Home Office many states away. It's 2 1/2 days, a very fast & intense training session that leaves me exhausted. I've done this for 5 years now.
Every. Stinkin. Year. AH would go into one of his binges & drop DD with my family so that he could 'work' & when I return it always ended in huge arguments & that same old circle of lies, yada yada yada. (You alllll know how this part goes.)
This year I found myself experiencing a huge amount of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the trip. AH has been sober for just over 1 full year, he hasn't given me ANY reason in all of that time to believe that he is going to repeat past behaviors, but I couldn't seem to stop my anxiety from mounting. I was honestly acting pretty b@tchy for no apparant reason.
I eventually recognized the upcoming trip as my trigger & for me I have to change my perception of a trigger in order to deal with it. {And yes, I have to deal with it because I will have to take this trip annually for as long as I work for this company.} I honestly told AH that I was feeling anxious, that in the past this trip=huge issues for us & my insides were on fire with adreneline & nerves just from the memories... but that I also realized he's not the same person he's been in past years & I have no reason to expect a repeat of that behavior.... he just needed to know where my head was at & not take it personally... but also realize that this is a LEGIT trigger that I need to be able to work through without him getting defensive or p$ssy with guilt... I did not get into details, did not bring up a single past action or throw off an ounce of blame or passive aggressive behavior... I didn't want to hash past events, I wanted to move forward in the healthiest way I could.
He's sober & working a program so I didn't feel like I needed to pussyfoot around the issue - that bringing it up in a respectful way would help us keep open communication about something happening in our lives, between us. We talk about a lot of things to do with both of our recoveries, so why not this? If he were only in the first few weeks of sobriety I'd have handled it differently, I'm sure. But at 1 year I felt like we were both in a good place to be able to deal with something like this.
Like I said, he's not given me any current reasons to expect a repeat performance this year & ultimately if he was waiting for this moment to relapse I couldn't know it or control it anyway. There's a huge amount of peace in that kind of realization (to me).
For me the only way to change my perception of this trip was to get through it without incident which hopefully translates a new "normal" definition for me. I changed as many details about the trip as I could to make it seem different & thanked my HP that this is the year they chose to change the venue... that helped so much. I scheduled myself for the gym & sauna as often as possible to help ease my stress & help me to sleep well. I stayed in normal contact with him, no crazy texting wars or constant checking in. I used the hotel business computer & logged in here but only lurked for a bit, posted one response & pulled away when I felt myself triggering again.
The trip went smoothly without incident & by the time I got home I felt like I had really handled this in a way that will reduce future anxiety. Just my recent experience!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
FireSprite, thanks it helps to know I am not the only one!!!!! We are all a little crazy.
He just came into work to see me and said he left the cookout early and was going home to clean the yard. I didnt say anything to him about how I was feeling. Sometimes if you just leave it alone everything works out ok.
He just came into work to see me and said he left the cookout early and was going home to clean the yard. I didnt say anything to him about how I was feeling. Sometimes if you just leave it alone everything works out ok.
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