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looking inward

Old 08-09-2012, 02:37 PM
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looking inward

Hi all,
I have been doing a bit of looking inward lately of who I am as a man, father, friend, husband. I have realized that there has been so much energy expelled that I have forgotten who I am and I dont like what I am becoming. I came upon a couple of videos from staind that really spoke to me and where I am at.

Staind- Its been awhile - Unplugged - YouTube
staind outside (lyrics) - YouTube

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Old 08-09-2012, 08:34 PM
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It sounds like your Higher Power is interested in having a dialogue with you, Grizz.

I hope there is a nice lake near you. Maybe you can sit there with your thoughts.

I think it is very very likely -- would bet money -- that you have some amazing qualities you have forgotten about, and that you have acted in courageous ways other people never knew about, and that your deepest values are rock solid.

I think it is very likely you are someone worth getting to know. I'm sorry your AW has been too loaded to get to know you over the past many years.

But you can get to know you better. When you do, I truly hope you like the man you have found. Your posts here have been full of good advice, real honesty, and great compassion. You are probably a very fine man, father, friend, and husband. You've just gone missing a bit, for a while, from your life. That is okay. You can come back.

Wishing you growth and peace of mind.
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Old 08-10-2012, 06:41 AM
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Thank you English Garden,
It amazes me how eloquent you write. Your words are like a soothing balm to the souls of us that hear from you. You are right, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. My wife has been in the house about a third of the time for the last three months, spending the rest of the time in LA finding herself as an artist. With her being away it has given me time to really think about who I am, who I have become and who I want to be in the future. I really like me when she isnt here. My 19 year old daughter summed it up when she said. " I dont know if I am supposed to feel this way, but it is a lot less stressful when mom isnt here". It was like I got smacked between the eyes. One of the quotes I got from SR family is "nothing changes if nothing changes" this is my new mantra. I think a lot of my reasoning for not divorcing or even seperating comes from my childhood. I was raised in a conservative church where divorce was almost the unpardonable sin. There has not been one divorce on either side of my family. My father is disabled do to a stroke and I am the kinda unspoken next patriarch of a very large family. I feel like the wizard of OZ. Anyone that would see my wife and I would think we are the perfect couple. But alas, it is all smoke and mirrors.
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:05 AM
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Grizz

This is my first post on but have been reading for about 2 weeks. I had to respond to this post as this exact song in this format is one that is very special to me. My partner has issues with drink and drug binges and this song was one that he would sit and listen to. It describes the torment very well

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Old 08-10-2012, 07:19 AM
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((((((((((Grizz))))))))))

speechless, thanks so much for posting.

Self work is so hard, but so worth it, as I am learning.

xo
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Old 08-10-2012, 09:52 AM
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Yes, Grizz, those tribal expectations can sure keep a lot of people locked in misery.

I hope you are good to yourself today.
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Old 08-10-2012, 10:32 AM
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When we read others stories it amazing how we think we have the answers for them with such clarity. "If they would just do this (fill in the blank) they would feel so much better, they would do so much better, they would be so much better". Yet, when it is about ourselves, it is like we walk through a thick mist, knowing which way we are to go, but being a bit trepid because it is blurry. We are holding onto a rope afraid that if we let go we are going to fall into an bottomless chasm. What we dont realize is if just look down it is only a 2" drop. It is like we are in a dark closet. We have the key in our hand and are looking for the door and the lock that has us trapped. What I have found with this wonderful SR family is you are all a match. With this match we can light it, see the door, open the lock and escape. Once the door is opened the mist becomes a cooling rain that washes away the layers and what we begin to see is a wonderul world out there that is clear, bright and beautiful. Thank you SR family for being that match for me. One of these days I am going to light it.

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Old 08-10-2012, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
When we read others stories it amazing how we think we have the answers for them with such clarity. "If they would just do this (fill in the blank) they would feel so much better, they would do so much better, they would be so much better". Yet, when it is about ourselves, it is like we walk through a thick mist, knowing which way we are to go, but being a bit trepid because it is blurry. We are holding onto a rope afraid that if we let go we are going to fall into an bottomless chasm. What we dont realize is if just look down it is only a 2" drop. It is like we are in a dark closet. We have the key in our hand and are looking for the door and the lock that has us trapped. What I have found with this wonderful SR family is you are all a match. With this match we can light it, see the door, open the lock and escape. Once the door is opened the mist becomes a cooling rain that washes away the layers and what we begin to see is a wonderul world out there that is clear, bright and beautiful. Thank you SR family for being that match for me. One of these days I am going to light it.

grizz
What a beautiful post Grizz, and I can totally relate to finding myself on a journey of self-discovery in trying to figure out who I AM in a way that is not relative to the dysfunctional people in my life. It's an intimidating journey, but also so freeing & rewarding! (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-10-2012, 11:18 AM
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Yes indeed life is a journey. Sometimes we have a whit knuckle death grip on nothing but air. Next we think that life is going to be ok, only to be replaced with the realization of we are in a place we no longer want to be. In the end life is life. It is what we do with it that matters. What I want to hear is "Well done my good and faithful servant". I truely believe that we are all on this earth for a purpose that is ment for good. What is it that keeps us bound with not living life to its fullest? I believe, at least for me is fear. Ever been to a concert where they use dry ice to make fog. Fear is like that, billowing along the ground ready to envelop us with what ifs. Fear will then transform itself into doubt. We beging to doubt who we are, afraid that if we make a move life is going to change into something, though better, we are not prepared for. So we are caught by our inability to shake fear and doubt. One of the most often used phrases in the Bible is DO NOT FEAR. I know that I have made huge huge mistakes in this life. But that is what lifes about. Getting along with life, understanding it aint going to be perfect and realizing that we dont have to fear what is next is very comforting.


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Old 08-10-2012, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
Sometimes we have a whit knuckle death grip on nothing but air.

grizz
I went as far as having had a white-knuckle death-grip on my illusions about my love relationship with my exah, with no understanding of alcoholism whatsoever, and became a stark raving mad lunatic.

I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
There are so many levels to understanding that. A deeper realization is gained over time with healthier thinking. It is not simply we can check "ok, understand that". It seems we have to keep understanding some of the simpliest things, learning them again, and again, and again, at a deeper consciousness. Each little understanding brings me back to myself, and to normal healthy thinking, and to living life.
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Old 08-10-2012, 12:02 PM
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I recommend the movie "Defending Your Life" with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep. My favorite of all time. Very funny. He dies (and even that is funny), goes to heaven (where it is always sunny and 72 degrees) and he has to defend his life, which he has lived in fear.
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Old 08-10-2012, 12:06 PM
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"I went as far as having had a white-knuckle death-grip on my illusions about my love relationship with my exah, with no understanding of alcoholism whatsoever, and became a stark raving mad lunatic."


My wifes alcoholism is my first experience with it. This monster goes unseen for along time, making its home and taking over its host. Its not until it has its tenticles deeply embedded that we see it for what it is. Our mate is now something that we dont recognize nor is there anything that we can do to stop it, and we do resemble a lunatic trying to do the very thing we have no power over. One of my most enjoyable things is to go out for a great steak and have an ice cold dark beer with it. We still do that, because that is something that I enjoy. What I know now, that regardless if I have my beer and steak, my wife is going to continue into her second bottle of wine and pass out. It took a long time, a lot of lunatic thinking to realize all that energy was wasted on the futility trying to fix her. I believe that we all have to go through that phase of lunatic thinking because what we deal with is not normal. What we now have is a new normal. What is great is how we get to deciede what the new normal will. We just have to push to the other side of the lunacy.


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Old 08-10-2012, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
Sometimes we have a whit knuckle death grip on nothing but air.


grizz
What a great visual, I love this!
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Old 08-10-2012, 03:05 PM
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Funny thing...

A bunch of people told me that when the truth was finally revealed. Always some form of, "you had the perfect marriage." I'd always tell them "nobody really knows what a marriage is like except the people in it, including yours."

They didn't really like my response but it normally ended the conversation which is exactly what I wanted.

Take care Buddy,

Cyranoak




Originally Posted by grizz View Post
Thank you English Garden,
It amazes me how eloquent you write. Your words are like a soothing balm to the souls of us that hear from you. You are right, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. My wife has been in the house about a third of the time for the last three months, spending the rest of the time in LA finding herself as an artist. With her being away it has given me time to really think about who I am, who I have become and who I want to be in the future. I really like me when she isnt here. My 19 year old daughter summed it up when she said. " I dont know if I am supposed to feel this way, but it is a lot less stressful when mom isnt here". It was like I got smacked between the eyes. One of the quotes I got from SR family is "nothing changes if nothing changes" this is my new mantra. I think a lot of my reasoning for not divorcing or even seperating comes from my childhood. I was raised in a conservative church where divorce was almost the unpardonable sin. There has not been one divorce on either side of my family. My father is disabled do to a stroke and I am the kinda unspoken next patriarch of a very large family. I feel like the wizard of OZ. Anyone that would see my wife and I would think we are the perfect couple. But alas, it is all smoke and mirrors.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:00 PM
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Had a great couple of days. Spent time with the kids just hanging out really enjoying life. The only "whatever"moment was when the wife called me back concerned that I didnt say I love you before I hung up. She said with her being in California she needs that extra assurance. I said of course I love you, Which I truly do. But it takes more than that for a marriage to work. She comes back tomorrow for a week, which will make for a interesting one indeed.

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Old 08-12-2012, 01:33 PM
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posted by ENGLISH GARDEN "I hope there is a nice lake near you. Maybe you can sit there with your thoughts.

and a nice cup of coffee and tea....

funny, i am sitting here out on my porch, with my tea(sore throat) and watching the "twin locks" at the canal, the ships coming and going...peaceful!
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