LaTeeDa

No, not fun at all.

Here is one of my favorite quotes by Oprah Winfrey:

I now look for the pebbles.

L

seek

I thought I was going to see my spiritual counselor today, but I misread the date of the appointment - she is actually going to be gone for a MONTH on vacation . . . I have to be okay with that.

Yesterday, I created my first "masterpiece" in my new art studio. It was fun. I also repainted my kitchen cabinets . . .trying to beautify my environment . . .

I have worries that I am grappling with . . .writing them down, burning them with sage helps . . .keeping my environment "clean" energy-wise helps.

I actually got a lot of work done the past two days on a project that I need to focus on.

My spiritual counselor is of the opinion that "everything has meaning and purpose," and nothing is wasted. I sometimes think of the time I have spent thinking and dealing with this "problem" as wasted, but it is all ". . .grist for the mill," I guess.

There are many things I want to do AND I have to believe that this is all unfolding in this way for some higher spiritual purpose for all of us. Got to believe that.

The one really hard lesson I have learned is not to trust my family . . .I honestly had no idea . . .so many unpleasant experiences unfolded where I was either shunned or made the scapegoat and treated disrespectfully and abusively. I would NEVER have believed my family was capable of such a thing (especially en masse). I have forgiven them, but I cannot forget - because I can't put myself at their mercy, ever again. I can't give them the benefit of the doubt because they have done nothing to make amends to me. I realize that on some level their actions are probably not intentional, but unconscious attempts to deal with their own pain . . . so I don't hold a grudge, as much as I have just woken up to the reality of their actions. I used to take every action as an isolated incident and never assigned malice to it - that was just wishful thinking - very naive - I was actually projecting positive traits onto them . . .

So for any get-togethers, I have to "do my work" first to prepare and protect myself, then have to have an escape route (which can be difficult because I have to transport a very elderly person and cannot just leave on a whim - I will have to separate myself in a way that won't make me feel bad in the process . . . kind of complicated, but necessary for my mental health).

I have no advocates in my family so my ONLY support system is spiritual advocates and my spiritual counselor (who is going to be gone for a month). I guess this is necessary for my growth in some way.

This is a place of refuge for me and a place to process my feelings. I have tried to make this thread "a sacred space" to discuss positive actions I am undertaking on a daily basis.

seek

I did a lot of healthy things yesterday AND I have some major resentment festering in me. It's beneath a lot of fear and worry. I think it is, basically, that I want to do certain things and feel "this problem" is intruding on my life.

On another level I see my spiritual growth has been boosted by "this problem" - not saying having it is a good thing, but maybe necessary for my spiritual growth.

Without "this problem" I would tend to see life very materialistically - would not sense the deeper meanings . . .

But I need help to let go of my ego's resentments . . .will try to focus on that, consciously instead of being so surprised every time I find myself in this space. I hope I begin to make progress in this area, because it is wearing me out.

Mizzuno

Today I went for a run.
I drank a smoothie with a bunch of healthy stuff in it.
I laughed.
I am going to clean.....If I can pull myself away from this computer.
I will make a nice dinner this evening and watch a movie ( Sherlock Holmes 2)
Remaining in a positive space is very important for me. One little thing at a time. No major worries at the moment. One step, one breath......I like it!

seek

Sounds great! I realize one of my biggest resentments is fearing my peace of mind will be compromised . . .feeling tied to the alcoholic's behavior . . .I realize "it's an inside job" for both of us . . .I was in a good space but then got into fear and worry and found the resentment at the core . . .there is something about my beliefs, and especially subconscious beliefs that needs to be changed. I am tired of feeling a victim to anyone else's actions. If I didn't care about him, I could detach my well-being from his . . .it's harder to do when you care and then worry and fear eat away at you - logic doesn't get me very far, so I have to seek a spiritual solution to my problem.

I love hearing how other people are doing things to celebrate their health and well-being.

Calqlus

I feel your struggle...it helps to talk about your problems with people who listen to you... You come across as a very strong person... I congratulate you on all you hard work trying to make things right... My only advice is pray on a regular basis for a year... If you already don't God can make all your problems very manageable but you have to genuinely seek his help first... God bless you... You deserve the best

seek

Thank you. I have been praying and will continue to do so. I am praying for my own strength and insight and healing of my core wounds - and I also pray for "the highest good" of my family members - that we will all be restored to wholeness and health.

Thank you, again.

peaches08

I'm doing this too. It's really hard to focus on school lately. Thankfully some of my classmates were already aware of what I had been putting up with, so they have been very sympathetic for what I am going through.

What I've done to help myself:
Almost finished reading Codependent No More; Beyond Codependency is next
Started with walking, now doing a couch to 5K running program
Quit smoking
Cleaning house of things I know longer use/need

I'm not a spiritual person, I'm agnostic so I'm trying to sort that all out.

seek

I didn't do a great job of taking care of myself today, but I did pretty good. I saw my grandson and had strong boundaries. I had a half a veggie sandwich for lunch. I watered my garden . . .I did not get drawn into an argument with my grandson . . . I could have done better, but I did pretty good.

Tomorrow is another day.

NWGRITS

I wrote out my frustrations here instead of engaging in a useless battle with my family members. I don't agree with what they did or how they're handling my AM, but I have removed myself from that part of the family and am focusing on the family I have here, which is my husband and our children. I didn't let the toxicity of their enabling and codependency eat me alive like I would have months ago.

seek

I read your post and I think you were really smart to do that. Thank God there is a space for venting! It is so needed sometimes.

seek

I am in a bad space today - lonely. I will go for a walk and see what I can do to take care of myself.

seek

I got into an emotional pit yesterday . . .I did "do" some healthy stuff (went for a long hike with my dog in the woods, took pictures, etc.) . . .

I am not sure what I could have done to prevent it . . .the holiday and "no family" thing is difficult for me . . .since the concept of "family" is so important to me and mine (both Family of Origin and the one I created have been so disappointing) . . .I don't know HOW I could have kept my spirits up yesterday - If I had volunteered somewhere I would just feel like a big loser . . .I think that is the term I used to beat myself up yesterday.

Today, I am going to try to get my emotions back on track. I have resentments I need to work through . . .fears that are popping up all over the place . . .lack of trust and connection to my higher power . . . unfortunately, my counselor is on a month's vacation, but I have to find ways to be ok . . .

seek

I feel like I need to process a lot today . . .I hope that is ok. Just saged (or more accurately Palo Santo'd) my house. Took care of a matter I needed to address with someone (in a kind, but firm way) . . .baby steps taking care of myself . . .read list of things "I Trust" and "Some Facts," (stuff my counselor is having me do), and will write list of fears and maybe resentments and burn it with sage.

seek

FEAR, Not Feeling Safe, Dangerous World, Overwhelm - EFT - YouTube

seek

I realize I am having an issue TRUSTING my higher power to protect me - to guide me - to "be there" for me . . .In the absence of human support, I need celestial support and I don't know it if it is really there in a way I can lean on it when I need to (like now).

seek

I am so tired of having all of this focus on my grandson and his health and well-being, especially because it feels like he is playing Russian Roulette with his life (and all the rest of us are pawns or bit players in his movie).

If he had any other sickness, I know it would be terrible, but I don't know if there would be that horrible feeling you get when there is a lack of trust in the "patient" themselves . . . that feeling related to him and what he will or will not do next is what causes such anxiety and distrust and the distrust then impacts my spiritual connection . . .I know this is my problem to solve . . .it is so difficult.

I would love to have some peace and serenity - and to feel my world is "safe." It is that feeling of imminent danger that gives it the PTSD experience . . . not fun.

And then I wonder about his karma . . .when you mess with other people's peace of mind, it is not good . . .there has to be some consequence for that. Saying "I'm sorry," with no understanding of the impact of one's actions, doesn't get it.

The other day he was telling me something about how he treated someone and I said how it was for me and he asked if I was saying that to make him feel bad. My answer was that, no, I was just sharing how it was for me . . .that we live on the same planet and our actions impact each other. I don't understand why that isn't simply common sense. I knew that as a child. I am building some resentments, I see . . . .

Carol Star

make a gratitude list, vigorius exercise, meeting,pick up the 100lb. phone, read Alanon literature

seek

I am in a bad space. In a lot of fear. Going to get a massage.

seek

What happened is that I reached a tipping point . . .I was in trust, then "x" happened, then "y," and then "z," and I lost my footing.

I had a massage last night and a hypnotherapy treatment today. Did some inner child work . . .