Can't deal with my recovering alcoholic father anymore
 

I'm not sure what to do and apologize if I'm posting in the wrong forum, I just don't know what to do. My husband lost his father suddenly 3 years ago so I feel bad complaining to him about my living father, so hopefully someone can help me on here.

My father has been sober for 12 years but suddenly I'm so angry with him. I don't even want to see him anymore but I don't want to hurt my saintly mother. She is the definition of an enabler, but she is like that with everyone - you know give and give and always be in service to others. And she's generally a peaceful happy person. Its really beautiful in some ways, but I hate that my father takes advantage of it. He takes advantage of everyone. He's 59 and hasn't worked since one year after he quit. He received a small inheritance and quit and has spent every day since on the computer, losing his inheritance and retirement on the stock market. Of course my mom works two jobs so they can eat and hopefully she can retire someday (I don't know how she'll be able to).

He never leaves the house, never visits his elderly recently widowed mother who lives 20 minutes away, or anyone else for that matter, never goes grocery shopping or anywhere (he makes my mother who is crazy busy with work do everything). He walks his dog twice a day and alternates between putzing around the yard and sitting on the computer. I don't know why but I just can't stand it anymore.

I actually told my mom last week that maybe she should leave him. I feel guilty about it. She said she couldn't get a divorce because she believes in her vows. I told her she could just separate. I don't know why I would tell her that after so many years of this. Nothing's changed. I just can't stand seeing him and he's usually nice and fairly patient with my two young daughters. What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.
You hate the imbalance and that your dad is a taker and not a giver. No doubt as you have matured and taken on the responsibility of raising two daughters that it has come very clear to light that your dad is still a child.
You no doubt work hard to provide, raise, and care for your daughters. Now that you are on the other side, his lack of giving has become glaringly obvious.
As his childish selfish behavior is magnified by your responsibility--aren't you glad how recognizing that in him helps you identify what you don't want to become? Aren't you glad what a responsible giving parent and I assume, partner, you are?
Give yourself credit where it is due! Congrats!

Now you find yourself wanting to help your mother be less of an enabler...and you probably want to change your dad's behavior, or wish that her putting down an ultimatum would change his behavior.
They are adults and make their own choices...you have to let them. As the new life and family and generation--continue focusing on your family and the good habits and balance you have created...and continue safeguarding against the dysfunction creeping into your family.

Does your Mom complain to you about working two jobs? I would stay out of their relationship. I've learned the hard way of minding my own business unless she is a vulnerable adult.

Sounds like my dad a couple decades ago. My mom is still busting her butt trying to keep it all together for them and afford electricity, if you know what I mean. Al-Anon helped me to learn how to stop being angry at dad, how to stop blaming him, how to understand what it is my mother is doing, etc. Here's how you find a meeting: Local Meetings

She does sometimes. But she shrugs and says he doesn't want to work, but then she'll quickly say he's not lazy blah blah blah (he is). I am afraid he's going to get dementia soon because it runs in his family and she'll be worked till her grave.

I think I probably need to forgive him. But how do you forgive someone who will never stop being a total selfish loser who makes my moms life so difficult? And is so difficult to even like? I am so new to openly dealing with this, sorry if these questions are so vague.

Thanks Learn2Live! I will check one out

My folks have a crazy codependent relationship. My dad has been depressive for 30+ years, and my mom plays the martyr role, picking up the slack and making sure everyone else knows about it. As the years go by, my feelings about their arrangement change, but ultimately it's their relationship and they're both getting something out of being together, and if not, it's beyond my control to change them or their dynamics. Unless you suspect elder abuse, it's should probably be considered out of your hands.

It's okay to dislike your father.

This is about their marriage. And their marriage is none of your business.

Hoping you will take good care of yourself.

My dad was the same way, except he wasn't recovering and actively drank until the day he died a few months ago. He was just a selfish taker by nature. His second wife was a perfect fit for him. She drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, and had a really nice well paying job so that she supported my dad and he was able to quit his full time job. I always felt that he took advantage of her but she always told me that she knew what she was getting into with him. I realized early on that it was their marriage and their problems. I worked through my own issues by doing some serious work on forgiveness and I dealt with my own resentment and anger towards my dad. If his wife had issues with him, then she would handle them the way SHE needed to.

Honestly, working through my anger and finding real forgiveness for him really made it easier for me to handle his death last December. I accepted him for who he was, I knew he was never going to change even in his dying days, and I let it go. Now, I just wish I could do this with my husband, LOL!