New to Alanon
 

Hello-

I am brand new to this site and fairly new to Alanon in general.

I must admit this is very hard for me to discuss. I am having problems finding "experience, strength and hope" with regards to alcoholism and marriage/intimate relationships. Any information you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Here is a nutshell version of my story:

I have been married to an alcoholic and drug addict for almost 19 years now. He has been in and out of the AA program (alcohol is his main issue) for most of our marriage. The alcohol has led to drugs; smoking pot and some cocaine. It also led him to frequent strip clubs.

We have a son together that just turned 17. Prior to having our son our sex life was great. I must admit I am a very sexual woman. I like sex and I like the closeness. I rarely, if ever, didn't/don't want to have intimate relations with my husband. He, on the other hand, is not very interested in sex. Since I gave birth to our son, sex and intimacy has been nil to non-existent. The majority of the time I have been the one to make the first move and most of the time my husband is not in the mood. It seems once our son was born my husband's whole attitude towards me changed. He has told me, in the past, that he looks to me as "a mother figure" now and not in a sexual way. Later in our relationship he "took that statement back" and said he doesn't feel that way anymore and that he is sexually attracted to me.

We have been separated twice and reunited because of alcohol, drug use and strip clubs. When getting back together our sex life resumed and things were wonderful. At one point, we had a really great 6-to-7 year period in our marriage. However, since he was not working any program it seemed he always found his way back to alcohol, drugs and the strip clubs. I mention the strip clubs because when he would go there he would turn off his phone and not come home until 4am or 5am in the morning. At first this was once in a blue moon but it worked its way into being two or three times a month. Things always seemed to circled around, getting back together and then slowly making his way back to the drinks, drugs and women. Sometimes it took longer than other times to get there but he always got back there. Of course our intimacy ebbed and flowed with his addictive behaviors. He once told me the strippers at the clubs were like psychiatrists to him. He could go there and vent to them about work, me, our child and/or anything else he felt was a problem in his life. He could be open and honest with them and basically tell them anything. He has never admitted to having any sort of "outside our marriage" sexual relations with any other woman however he has been emotionally attached to a couple of women during our marriage. To me, that is quite close to cheating on me - it might not ever been a sexual act but moreso a mental and/or emotional affair which, to me, is the same thing. To be honest, I don't know if he has ever physically cheated on me. When getting back together I always agreed to move forward in a healthy way and forget about past issues regarding the strippers.

Lately he has had some instances with the law. It seems his "luck" for always flying under the radar with law enforcement has run out. He found himself in a holding cell for drunken aggression (bar room fight), has had a couple auto accidents and some really close calls. He was not arrested but these things have led him to want to live clean. He has been clean for a little over 3 months now. He did 90 meetings in 90 days. I basically told him when he came home after being in the holding cell that I had enough. I told him I was done. I said either get back into your AA program and work the steps or I couldn't live this way anymore. He has chosen to get back into AA, work the steps, has a new sponsor and has stopped his addictive behaviors.

One last thing I want to add before I get to the heart of my question: it seems my husband has used sex and intimacy as a way to punish me. He has admitted that. We have been to 3 different marriage counsellors (a couple of years each time) and he has said if he is angry or upset with me about anything he withholds intimacy and sex. He also said he would HAVE sex with me sometimes in order to "make me happy" and get my "blessing" to go out the next night on the town. He would placate me sexually and then go out the next night and drink, drug and go to strip bars. He many times came to the marriage counsellor after having smoked pot so many times he said a LOT of things he might not have ever admitted to if he was sober.

So, after all is said and done, a lot of bad stuff has happened in our marriage. However, a LOT a good stuff has happened too. We have had long periods of really good times. My sober husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. If I didn't love him I would have been gone a long time ago. I do hang onto those good years. I know it could be great. I wish sometimes I didn't love him so I could just move on; either alone or with someone who doesn't suffer from this horrible disease.

One last thing, I was sick too. I did stupid things and acted badly and basically did a lot of things wrong. I wasn't working my program either. I don't want you all to think I was some victim. I added to the problems in my own sick way. I am not perfect and I totally understand my involvement.

Since my husband has been sober he has gone to the doctor and had many tests done. One came back as low testosterone which apparently effects sexual performance. He does love me. I do know that. He is a sick person. I get that. But honestly, do I need to prepare myself for a sexless marriage? Is there anything that has helped anyone else out there? I would never leave him because of this but I selfishly would like to have somewhat of a sex life with my husband. I guess right now I am driven by fear.

So ultimately here lies my questions. Is it possible to be with an addict and have a healthy marriage, intimacy and sex life? Are there others out there who have overcome issues like this and moved forward in a healthy and loving relationship? Can anyone share any experience, strength and hope?

Thank you for listening and thank you for letting me share. I look forward to reading what you all have to share regarding this.

I am unsure from reading your post whether he is currently actively drinking. I think that as long as he is, the same old will prevail.

I see the sex and the alcoholism as yes, connected, but also separate. He believes he is entitled to his fantasies and that you will always take him back. He seems to have that old guy's club belief that his behavior is acceptable. This type of thinking does not have to be associated with alcoholism, as it is fairly common. *Pukes* from the "mother figure" remark...uggh.
He values sexual fantasy above true intmacy. This much is CLEAR.

I also don't believe he has ever been truly honest with you. You may be more gullable than you think.

Yes, he loves you, as long as you let him do what he wants anyway.
What would happen if you said NEVER again? The ultimatum? What would he choose? This is for thought purpose only, not suggesting such action, that is your choice and could be a very disappointing outcome.

There is a circle of repeat here. Placate you, then back to business as usual.

Where you are at is deciding your boundaries. What is acceptable, what is not. Can you live with it? It's not about him, he's made clear who he is...what do you NEED?
Can you force him to value intimacy above fantasy? No...but you can make him think about it by raising the topic. Sometimes I think some men are simply daft to what a sexual relationship is really about.

Hi and welcome to SR!

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for going to Al-Anon! It took me MONTHS to feel comfortable and at home in the rooms of Al-Anon, but it did happen. So look at it as any other healthy habit you're trying to establish and just keep doing it even if you're not feeling it right now. And if you have the opportunity, try a few different meetings -- they're not all the same and it took me a few tries to find one where I felt at home.

Secondly -- boy, you've been through the wringer with this guy. I think it's very wise of you to get the support of Al-Anon and working your own program, because (I hate to tell you this) three months is great, but it's only three months. My AXH was sober for four. Recovery is a hard, hard road, and the best thing you can do for both of you is working on yours and staying out of his.

This: was a first for me -- I've heard many, many women use that tactic with their husbands exactly the same way. Low testosterone can be treated, I would be more concerned with the mental game playing part of your sex life, actually. I think breaking out of the habit of seeing "giving you sex" as a reward may be harder than fixing the biochemical issue.

I left my alcoholic, so I have no advice on how to overcome issues like that and moving forward. This, however:
I can say a definite NO to. It is not possible to live with an actively abusing addict and have a healthy marriage.

But I wish you good things ahead with both of you pursuing recovery.

This seems to be the topic of the week here on SR. Seems many of us are dissatisfied in this area of our relationships with As and As.

I've tried three times with three separate Alcs/Adds and my answer is No, I have not been able to have a healthy partnership, intimacy or sex life with any of them. I could not overcome the issues because I kept being cheated on by them, and they do not know what is true intimacy and they have healthy sexual habits. I was never able to move forward in a healthy relationship with any of them because they are very sick people.

IMO, Your husband has been cheating on you whether he admits to having been "physical" with any of them or not. What he describes they do for him "like a psychiatrist" is the role of the spouse.

I agree. Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. It has made me think.

Why Compromise Yourself so Much?
 

I am even willing to forego sexual relations somewhat or come to some sort of mutual agreement. Sex is important to me but his health and sanity and our relationship are more important.

Why? What's important to you? He's not the only man in the world, my dear. Remember (and this site will say this over and over) - you need to focus on YOU, and what is important to YOU! I understand you love this man dearly, but you are slowly becoming something that is not you, and with no guarantees that things will be "OK" in the end.

Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate everything you have said.

I completely understand the confusion you have with the person raised religious yet has this sneaky desire issue.
I asked exah about this and his porn addiction. He said the lure was that it was "naughty".
Well that lure is a little twisted and immature...but I tend to focus on how it lacks respect for women, objectifies, etc.
it's so ironic, he can't see sex on the tv with you in the room, but he can run off to the strip clubs...gotta go grab some guilt!
Is he Catholic? They seem to have much greater guilt installed than other sects.

Thank you very much for replying to my thread. I really appreciate it!

IDK how old you are JrsJourney but when a woman hits 40 the lack of sex becomes a huge issue.

You are right. I do need to focus on me and yes it is important to me. I understand he is not the only man in the world but he is the man I married. I really need to think about what you just said here. It's really hitting home for me. I do need to be true to myself. I would love for things to work out for me and him but I also need to set some sort of goals maybe? Since he is newly sober (3 months) maybe I need to first concentrate on myself and secondly set some sort of goal to see how things have evolved in another month from now. I am not ready to leave him over this right now but ultimately would love for things to be different.

Thank you for your words :)

I think you may want to make a list of your priorities. Sex falls somewhere on that list, but probably not number 1.
Finding a partner to mirror our sexuality for a lifetime is a near impossible task, and then there is the rest of the package which may or may not be agreeable.
Middle ground is somewhere.

THANK YOU for making me think!!

Oh I am over 40. So is the issue too little sex then? ACK! HAHAHAHA then maybe it's me? Hmm, never thought about that before. I will have to do some googling and see what pop's up. :)

Thank you for that insight!!!!!!

I LOVE THIS!! After I google the "woman over 40 sex drive" thingy I will have to make a list. I love lists. I love anything I can look at and analyze. This is very helpful.

Thank you!!!!!