preparing for battle

Old 08-09-2012, 07:01 AM
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preparing for battle

I have a meeting with AH and mediator to start separation agreement. I am trying to be mentally, emotionally prepared. The finances are easy. We don't own much, have separate retirement accounts, insurance, cars, bank accounts, credit cards. The kids are grown. The only thing we own together is the house. That may be hard for us to agree on.
I am trying to remember all the things that have helped me in the past.
Make I statements.
Do not engage with him if he is angry or baiting me.
Don't feel the need to discuss the past.
Let go of expectation that he will help me have any closure. That is my job.
Be conscious of the fact that if I start to lose my composure I have the option to excuse myself.
Do not make quick decisions. Ask for more time/information if needed.
Basically say what I mean, mean what I say. Just don't say it mean.
Anything else?
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Old 08-09-2012, 07:10 AM
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If you have a really good mediator, they can make things SO much easier. Perhaps you and your husband will be in separate rooms and the mediator will go back and forth so you don't have to actually be with your husband. That's how it is done many times and it really makes it much easier on both parties.

You have a good list there, so I think you'll be fine. Good luck!!
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:06 AM
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Yes, you'll find that the mediator is well-skilled at keeping things as civil as possible and, if needed, will place you in separate rooms as Suki said.

Wishing you good luck! (((hugs)))
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:27 AM
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Go in with the realization that this is one more step to your liberation. FREEDOM!
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:30 AM
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I'm not big on giving advice but one thing to consider with the house is that if he insists on keeping it that's ok, all he has to do is buy out your share. The mediator will help you reach a fair number.

Your friend,
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Old 08-09-2012, 10:36 AM
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Remember you don't have to commit to anything on the spot. You can always table it and address it at a later time when you have had time to think about it. It's just the cost of another session, but worth having the space to consider big decisions.
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Old 08-09-2012, 10:55 AM
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I've heard women have more difficulty letting go of the house than men. That they get too emotionally attached to it and the memories, etc. Go in with your "finance" hat on. Never let emotions rule finanical decisions. Leave your heart out of the decisions you make. If you have to, walk away from it and go talk to a friend or acquaintance who is good with financial stuff.
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Old 08-09-2012, 11:54 AM
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My AH and I just fired our mediator and hired a new one. Our first mediator wasn't strong enough in her ability to lead us through the forest of divorce. We both felt that, and we were coming out of meetings with her feeling angry and confused. The new mediator is much better. Make sure you are going with someone who you feel really good about and who is sharp, organized, and very competent. Our first mediator was not, and that has caused us grief, a waste of time and several thousand dollars!

A good mediator should provide you with an agenda prior to each session so that you know *exactly* what you will be covering in your two hours.

My attorney's advice to me was to go into the meetings like I am attending a business function. Put my business hat on, bring my brain and big girl pants and leave my emotional, hurt wife self at home. Eat a solid breakfast with protein and try to be rested. Make the mediation appointments for earlier in the day, when I am fresh. I scheduled mediation sessions so that I could go to my counseling appt that same day or the next day. That way I could take my emotional stuff into counseling and process it there when it's fresh.
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Old 08-09-2012, 06:49 PM
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Thank you all for the words of wisdom. I did put my big girl panties on and went in strong. We agreed on some things and tabled some things and he was organized and accepting of my boundaries. We seem to have come to a comfortable exchange. If our last few years of marriage had been like this ,well minus the alcohol, then things would have been great. There was some quacking about how we probably would not have been together if not for the kids, and the usual "I'm doing great. I've cut back on drinking and smoking" bravado but I did not comment. I still see the denial there. The need to stroke his ego. Guess what. I am not playing that game anymore. He actually got emotional talking about the house. We will revisit that at another time. No surprises and I am very proud of the way I handled it all.
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Old 08-09-2012, 06:54 PM
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Good for you. I'm glad you are satisfied with the outcome, so far.
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Old 08-09-2012, 08:08 PM
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I find prayer and meditation before such events helpful - and I call on spiritual guides and masters to be with me - I also do a lot of deep breathing and maybe EFT . . .and just tell yourself to be strong and stay centered. Eat well and get sufficient rest the night before - maybe even get a massage if that is your cup of tea.
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Old 08-09-2012, 08:20 PM
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My AH and I also have to deal with co-owning a house. Today my attorney commented (and I have already left the house and do not want to live there again) that I would get more money if I let my husband buy out my share of the house than if we sold it and split the profits. That is because there would not be a real estate commission, closing costs, fixing up costs, etc. I hadn't thought of it that way.

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