seek

Evidently, some of my beliefs are causing me distress. So I decided to list some of them:

* I believe I deserve to have a happy life and I am angry that anyone has interfered with that.
* I believe I gave my grandson valuable tools for living and he *should have* seen the wisdom in the gift of receiving these morsels and *should have* elected to live a healthy life.
* I believe people make choices in every moment, and that my grandson chose to make choices that would result in heartache and grief for himself and everyone who loves him.
* I believe I have a right to happiness and that my happiness is compromised by other people's problems and dysfunction (if I am in relationship with them).
* I believe relationships *should be* reciprocal, respectful, and healthy and that family members *would* believe the same way.
* I believe it *should be" "All for one and one for all" in families - and not lopsided so there are givers and takers and the takers suck the life out of the givers.
* I believe family members *should be* thoughtful, considerate, kind, functional, helpful, and loyal, to name a few

fourmaggie

you are a worthy person...setting boundaries is a good thing, and so is saying NO (end of sentence). YOU dont need to answer to anyone on how to do your own life..only one that is responsible for that is YOU

the alcoholic disease EFFECTS everyone...so not every family member is gonna get what you are doing for YOU...its called self care, you have that right

do you go to AL ANON?
have you read Melody Beatties CO DEPENDENT NO MORE? try it...its a good read

jamaicamecrazy

It is good that you are examining your beliefs. It is what Al Anon, counseling and reading about co dependency helped me do. I am struck by how many "Should haves" there are in those beliefs. Wouldn't it be great if everyone did what they should have done? I know my life would be so much better. My Ah should have quit drinking, my son should have gone to college, I should have sought help for myslel sooner.
However after I examined my beliefs I realized I had 2 choices. Either change my beliefs in a way that was not detrimental to me but allowed me to grow in my serenity, or limit/end the relationships that were going against my beliefs and thus causing me so much pain. Both of these things are SO DIFFICULT to do. I still struggle with figuring out what about me needs to change in order to be healthy. It is going to be a long process and there are no easy answers.
However there are many resources available to continue helping me.
I hope you find some that work for you.
Reading posts here have been especially helpful.

LaTeeDa

Yes, there is the "how it should be," and the "how it really is." The tighter we cling to how it should be, the less acceptance we have for how it really is. And the more we suffer.

L

Recover53

Yea, 2-3 meetings in one week will change you and your feelings. i'm doing it this week myself, even though it is major inconvenient.

OhBoy

I recently came to the same realization with many of the same issues & some very similar ones. After much reflection I came to realize many of them were expectations of people/situations. The thing I learned about expectations is that they are future resentments. Resentments for me are bad. The thing I learned about resentments is that they are a type of judgement. Judgements for me are very bad!

I had always prided myself with being non-judgmental, whatever people wanted to do in their lives was fine with me if it didn't hurt me. But I had a ton of expectations for people. My AW was always telling me to stop judging her & I wasn't, at least by the definition I KNEW of judgements. She was free to do anything she liked! But she rarely made my expectations with her behavior, mostly due to her drinking. But I am not allowed to judge another human being, it is not my place & I don't have the right. That was a hard thing for me to accept & I struggle with it a lot, but I am aware of it & I can start to accept it about myself & take action to correct it.

For me, it was a big heavy burden on myself to carry around all the expectations & constant disappointments. I have to let them go. I have to accept that it is their issue & let them handle it. It shows that I respect them enough to let them deal with it without my interference. It's tough at first, but when I let it go, it gets easier than carrying it around. I had to really search my feelings to know what were expectations & what were not & I am constantly looking to myself to examine my intentions.

Oh Boy

BTW I think my AW was very happy that I admitted to her my judgements though to her credit didn't say it. That was a very hard admission!