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Saw this coming a mile away...

Old 08-08-2012, 10:50 AM
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Let Go or Be Dragged
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Question Saw this coming a mile away...

Oh boy, here we go. I can tell my ABF has sensed this new found strength in me, as I am beginning to take charge of my own life and move forward, kind of leaving him in the sidelines, shaking his head, wondering what the heck is going on here...! Why am i not reacting when he's pushing all my buttons?? And now he is proposing to make some changes in his life. As I've been thru this before with an AF, and an AexH, i just knew this was coming....He is going to cut back, and just be a (gasp) SOCIAL drinker. Of course I know this doesnt work, but im not quite sure how to handle this in terms of what i say to him....Do i encourage him even tho i know its an impossibility? Do i praise him for at least attempting some type of change? Do i come right out and tell him there is no way he can ever be a social drinker? ( i think on some level, he has to know this already, not?) Right now I just kinda said "good for you, I hope you are able to accomplish your new goals." I reminded him that there are lots of places for him to find help and support and encouraged him to utilize those options. I told him while he is working on his personal goals, I will continue to work on mine so that i can get back in control of my life. He seemed absolutely baffled (and maybe a little angry) that i didnt smother him in hugs and kisses and thank him for his efforts. Now, im wondering if maybe I was not supportive enuff....was I just a bit*h?? Anyone have thoughts/suggestions??
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:55 AM
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Do you get a pat on the back and praise everyday because you are just a social drinker?
I'd keep silent...he will figure it out when it doesn't work.
You can't tell him anything about control and moderation, or lack thereof, he won't listen, so what's the point?

Why do you have another alcoholic as a bf after having divorced one?
How did you get pulled in again?
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:56 AM
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I think you did fine. What else are you supposed to do? talk is walk, now see if there is a walk, but don't hold your breath.
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:57 AM
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I think you have every right to be skeptical, is he still your boyfriend now? If this is the way you feel I'm just wondering why you don't end things?

Anyway I think you handled things just fine, in my opinion. There are some people who seem to be able to cut down or moderate their drinking but if you don't think he can do it, just cut the cord and let him find his own way in life...
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:17 AM
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No, you weren't just a b****.

I thought this part was great:
"good for you, I hope you are able to accomplish your new goals." I reminded him that there are lots of places for him to find help and support and encouraged him to utilize those options.
But did you get anything normal, healthy, or positive in support of this?:
I told him while he is working on his personal goals, I will continue to work on mine so that i can get back in control of my life.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:20 AM
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I meant talk is talk. you probably knew that.
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Old 08-08-2012, 03:59 PM
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He doesn't get a party for doing the right thing. That would be like patting him on the back for not peeing in his pants or makign his own food. For goodness sake, when he does things a grown ass man should do acknowledgement isn't on deck for him. He's not a child, he's a man.

The codie in you is running in to the new and healthy you and you did the right thing. Plus, cutting back to just being a social drinker isn't progress and won't work. For alcoholics there is drinking and not drinking. There is no middle ground. You know damn well what's going to happen.

You are doing good. Way to control your reactions. I always looked like a smart ass when AW said **** like this. It always made it worse. Now I jsut say, I hope that works for you in a neurtral voice. It's much better.

C-
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Old 08-08-2012, 07:23 PM
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I just kinda said "good for you, I hope you are able to accomplish your new goals."
I think that's a perfect response and all that needs to be said.
Nothing you say will add to or subtract from his ability to control his drinking.
So go on with what you're already doing. You're on the right path.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:30 PM
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Huh? I'd tell him to call me after he is sober for at least a year and working a strong recovery program..until then...forget it.
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