i need my SR family now...

Old 08-08-2012, 01:19 AM
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i need my SR family now...

I text separated AH tonight because our 4 year old was coughing non stop. I can't miss work tomorrow so I text him to let him know to pick up our daughter from sitter since I can't send her to preschool sick. I wasn't asking him for anything..just letting him know since he usually picks her up from preschool when he's off at 1pm until I'm off work at 5pm.

He called immediately. He was drunk. He proceeded to tell me I use our daughter, he has always cheated on me since Day 1, he's so into his enabling twentysomething enabler he has been having an affair with. He can't just abandon me and our family...he has the nerve to say I ruin things at times for him and his mistress because I ask him to keep her if I have to work overtime...Really? He kept saying how well they get along. Yes, its easy to get along when you have no bills to pay, kids to feed, chores to do...I hate him!

He said that I'm a spiteful B**** because I suggested he shouldn't keep her overnight while living in his seedy motel because atty told me that's a fair request. He normally barely speaks to me but tonight he said so many painful and hurtful things. I am so sick to my stomach over the fact that I supported him in his sobriety all this time, going to classes and he was always cheating on me, never letting his guard down.

I cannot convey the pain I feel. He threw so many daggers while digging on my personality, appearance, sexual behavior, relationships with my family of origin. He said everything he could possibly say to make me feel alone. I can honestly say I hadn't felt any suicidal thoughts for at least 4 years and tonight I felt like I just wanted the pain to end. How can I go through raising a daughter with this man? I am paycheck to paycheck since he left and I cannot afford my retainer for my attorney.

If it were not for my 4 year old daughter lying in bed next to me...I don't know that I would've seen the light of tomorrow. Only thing stopping me was the fact that she would be the one to wake up and find me.

I have been abused in every way. I don't know how to stop even the emotional abuse now...we still have a child to raise.
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:31 AM
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Hugs sweeteewalls,

Im on my phone on a train so cant post a longer reply.

Just wanted to send you hugs after reading your post x
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:44 AM
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Hi Sweet

Iím so sorry you are being subjected to this crap. Sounds like your ExAH is a nasty piece of work. What a totally unnecessary and pointless rant when he was already supposed to be picking your poor daughter up anyway.

I donít have much advice, and I donít know all your circumstances, but Iím wondering if there are any other people in your life that can help you out? Your ex either wants to be involved in his daughterís life or he doesnít. If, as he practically said to you, he finds it such an inconvenience to have to spend a little extra time with her every now and again, then he doesnít deserve to play a part in her life at all IMO.

You sound like a wonderful mother who is doing everything she can for her daughter. You are being strong for her, but you also sound like you need a bit of help yourself also. If money is tight, I presume there are other options out there for getting help for yourself.

You donít deserve this carry on. Thinking of you.

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Old 08-08-2012, 04:51 AM
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Dear Sweetee, when I was divorcing my children's father---an unbelieveably narcissistic jerk (not an alcoholic), I was faced with the same thing with every interaction.
I had to come to terms with some real hard life lessons. I had to deal with life as it WAS not how it should be. Was he unfair---H*** yes!

Sweetee, what is this man teaching you about what you have to do? Please ponder this question.

I wish I had had alanon back then (I didn't have a qualifier!)

I say.....grab onto alanon and hang on for dear life!

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Old 08-08-2012, 05:02 AM
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Hi Sweetteewalls,

I'm really sorry you listened to all his rantings. I know that must have hurt.

Perhaps the first thing you could have done would have been to hang up when he started in with all that bilge he was spewing your way from somewhere within his fantasy world.

Second lesson might be to never, ever, rely on an active alcoholic for anything (childcare, responsible behavior, anything). Do you have some other arrangement you can make for your child's care for the four hours before you get off work? If you can't figure something out for today, maybe that's something you can work on for the future.

All that trash-talking by your stbx is just that. Nothing based in reality. It is a reflection of the kind of person he is, not the kind of person you are! I hope today will be a better day!!
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Old 08-08-2012, 05:28 AM
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these are the things that have helped me in dealing with exAH, who I share 2 children with aged 4 and 9.

a) I don't speak to him: I don't take calls from him, I don't meet him to discuss our children, any discussion that is needed can be by text or email (he really doesn't like this, but tough) I don't even speak to him when we hand the kids over, I used to say hi but he either glared at me and refused to speak (which put the kids on edge) or launched into a baiting game, so now it's nothing.

I don't start off a conversation on the phone and put it down when he's obnoxious or off-topic, (as I've seen others suggest): I tried that for over a year and it improved nothing, in fact at times he seemed to actively play games with that approach.

b) I take my time to respond to anything from him that I recieve in writing. - AT LEAST AN HOUR. almost nothing requires an immediate answer when you think about it. Most things my ex sends require no answer at all.

c) I keep all communication VERY SHORT, polite and too the point, but with no explanations, justifications etc (google narcissit/JADE rule) and see the explanation of how to deal with very difficult communicators.

d) I rely on him for nothing at all. This has taken some work, but it is a much smoother run that anything that involves him.

e) I view him as someone with a profound mental illness that means he cannot help the way he sees and interacts with the world, and that I am better off distancing myself from because it can be harmful. Any thing that does get directed at me though is about his poor mind, not reality, just like if a disordered stranger in the street yelled that I was a blue elephant.

Taken me a long time to get here, and I tried lots of other "reasonable" ways to deal with him first, based on my fantasy that we should be able to have an amicable seperation for the sake of the kids. Turns out we couldn't and I have the email threats to put me in hospital to prove it.
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Old 08-08-2012, 05:50 AM
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all I could picture in my mind, as I read this, Is a big garbage truck(xah) backing up, and dumping his trash into your mind. I want to say, and maybe I shouldn't advise, but just get out of the way of his not take any of his words into your mind. Does he really have anything uplifting, informative or helpful to share anyway? He has absolutely no right to your ears , mind or heart. You are none of the stuff he said, he is only spewing out the poison in your direction, since he obviously is not happy in his 'great and happy life'.
This pushes buttons for me, since my childrens father did this to me, after our divorce. And I was such a target-waiting for something sensible and fair to come out of his mouth, but he took the opportunity to shoot me down every time, in oh so many little ways.. left me so angry I wanted to just scream, and often did, inside. but that anger just ate at me, didnt hurt him. he had a second wife who was just as happy to label me, and hurt me, too. He had asked me to remarry him two days before he married her. so he forever has hated me, and she probably guessed that he still 'loved' me, and that is why she hated me. All this to say, get out of t he line of fire of the hate, tearing down, using you as a whipping post. you dont need him. personally, the way he is to you, makes me want to say 'just pretend he is dead, that you do not have him as an option. if there is any way you can get out of needing the help of this verbally abusive man, who seems to derive sick satisfaction out of hurting you, please do so. there are millions of single parents who find a way to do it without help from the other parent.
it seems the payment you make, in order to have his help, is far more damaging to you , and in effect, your little girl too. someone making her mommy feel 'suicidal' that is criminal. you dont deserve that shyte honey. he deserves quite a kick in the teeth, actually..and he will eventually wiil get it, from someone. he sees you as powerless and a punching bag. show him differently.
pull yourself up honey, dust off his junk- just remember you are so valuabl, you are your daughters very world. feel special, because you are.
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:46 AM
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please don't believe what he tells you about yourself. He is obviously miserable and wants you to feel as miserable as he does. I'm glad you have your daughter. I have two children myself and they are what gets me through no matter what. I tell myself that even if everything in my life falls apart, I have reason to go on for my children's sake. Please avoid talking to him--he is dangerous to you and your well-being.
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Old 08-08-2012, 07:02 AM
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I am so sorry I know how much it hurts to be rejected so painfully by the one you dreamt of forever with.
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Old 08-08-2012, 07:28 AM
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Sending (((hugs))) and support!

You are a good mom.
You are important.
You life matters.
You happiness matters.

I'm glad your daughter has you as a role model.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:27 AM
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I am so sorry you experienced this vicious assault. My hope is that although it brought you to your knees last night, there is a greater purpose to what happened which you will understand in time and even be grateful for. Sometimes the most horrible events with the alcoholic turn out to be the ones we later say, "Thank God it happened." It was so for me.

Alcoholics gut people with language. Words are a switchblade. They not only gut their wives, they also gut their innocent children. When any of us naively expects an alcoholic to be a "good drunk" with a child although he or she is a "bad drunk" with us, we have lost the capacity to protect our children. Once the alcoholic is drunk, the dogs of hell are let loose. It is so very essential to deal with that reality.

If we are conscientious, the alcoholic calls us a perfectionist.
If we are protective of our children's lives, the alcoholic calls us possessive.
If we wear ourselves out working to stay afloat, the alcoholic calls us selfish.
If we are warm to others, the alcoholic calls us a flirt.
If we are sad, the alcoholic calls us a drag.
If we don't drink and drug, the alcoholic calls us boring.
If we avoid sex because emotional abuse is killing us, the alcoholic calls us frigid.
If we are not physically perfect, the alcoholic says we are repulsive.

And the alcoholic always isolates us, and when that happens, he breaks us with this language. We feel we have died. We want to die. It would be a relief.

I hope you get help today from your counselor, call your counselor, get a phone session or a private session, right away. You are so worthy of professional help to rebuild what he has so brutally broken inside you.

Even though you have the child as a continuing connection with him, there are many, many ways you can protect yourself from ever being verbally assaulted like this again. But you won't be able to put those protections in place until the day you accept the reality that he is not only untrustworthy, but dangerous. Perhaps today is that day.

You have done nothing wrong. This is not your fault. You are not to blame for this assault in any way.

Just protect yourself in every way possible, batten the hatches, board the windows. Do not let the monster in.
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:16 AM
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Im sorry you had to endure the emotional abuse. Others are more eloquent in saying this but i hope you know his ramblings have nothing to do with you. You are a good person, don't let a drunk tell you otherwise. A's are miserable, they want everyone else to be miserable.
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:26 AM
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Wow! EnglishGarden your words could not ring more true.
I spent years tolerating emotional and verbal abuse, betrayal after betrayal, financial ruin etc...
I knew I wanted out. I knew it was unhealthy for me and for my boys. But magical thinking, shame, and everyother reason so often cited for staying kept me in that awful situation. It wasn't until he threatened me with my life that I finally did something.
Looking at it with a little distance now, I can find reason to be grateful. It lit the fire under me that I needed.
When I learned yesterday that the terrorizing and criminal threatening charges were not going to be prosecuted. I finally called the lawyer about the divorce. Why hadn't I done that already? I could probably analyze that and come up with a reason. Regardless, the event made me take action.
It feels strange to feel thankful for that but I do.

Sweetiewalls, I feel for you especially having to co-parent (if he actually does parent) with someone who can be so cruel to the mother of his child. Your baby knows that you are the rock in the family and the one who can be relied upon for love and support. You are a good mother and deserve praise for doing what is right. I am envisioning you weathering this difficult storm and gleaming like a rainbow.
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:47 AM
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He knows he can hurt you emotionally and he takes full advantage of that.
I would refuse to speak to him on anything but essential matters, or go as far as text/email only.
Take away his ability to hurt you. Be indifferent and stick to the essentials. You can do this! You will give yourself the gift of detachment. Think of it that way--a gift to yourself, taking care of yourself, caring for yourself, taking your power back, respecting yourself.
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:17 PM
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I made it through the night. I literally woke up like I had been run over by a truck. I talked with some friends, made a therapy appt sooner than what I had scheduled. Got a referral for a different atty who my friend says will do more work without complete retainer as long as I make monthly payments on time. I KNOW how awful he is. I just need to get away as much as possible. I hate that my daughter is going to suffer, but HE chose this life. Thank you for the support. Alcoholism is no joke.
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Old 08-08-2012, 01:32 PM
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my thoughts are with you sweetteewalls
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Old 08-08-2012, 04:02 PM
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I'm out of my element on this one, but please consider the source of all these words. He's a horrible, horrible human being and you are giving him far too much power over you and your feelings. He doesn't matter and what he says doesn't matter.

You matter. Your daughter matters. That's it.

Take care,

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Old 08-08-2012, 04:55 PM
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we still have a child to raise.
You -- that's you, singular -- have a child to raise.
Build your life so that it functions without him.
And give him as little access as possible to your daughter and to you.
Because you are both worth so much better.
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Old 08-09-2012, 04:00 AM
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I keep reading this thread because I am trying to get stronger. I appreciate the positive because I have no family around me to support, just friends who are sick of seeing me hurt for the umpteenth time. I know my value. I deserve more. When I sit here missing him, wishing things were different, I realize I don't miss this man the alcoholism has progressed into, I miss the man from years ago. That man is dead. I never wanted to give up on even just a co-parent relationship for our baby girl but I realize that if he had it in him to do the right thing, we would not be where we are today. I just need to let go of any expectation. He is horrible and miserable and I will not allow him to drag me down anymore.
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Old 08-09-2012, 04:15 AM
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Please be gentle to yourself. The thing I hate the most about abusive language is that it plays in my head over and over. I don't want that for you.

Think about the sweetest voice you ever heard. Imagine that voice filling you up with love. Unconditional love. That voice is saying the following:

"Your needs are important."
"You deserve to be listened to."
"You deserve to be loved, held, and adored."
"Life is beautiful and there is hope after a terrible storm."
"You are beautiful and lovable."
"You are a wonderful mother."
"You are a beautiful person, inside and out."
"You are loved by many."

Close your eyes and let this voice fill you with hope. Imagine a glowing light going inside you and warming your soul.

Hope that visual/audio exercise helps a little. I wish you joy, peace, love, and happiness.

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