Completely out of my element here. Newbie.
 

Hi

I found these forums after 9,000 Google hours of searching, starting reading and felt comfy posting so here I am.

I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic. We live together, he is a few years younger than I am and we have truly become best friends.

In his past he has fought drug addictions (Meth and Cocaine) and has been clean for several years, but has never been able to leave the alcohol. It had gotten progressively worse and by the time we met he was pretty much consumed. The last few months have been slowing down drastically, but this past week has made us both realize how bad it has gotten and how urgently he needs help. Side note that his Dad is a (functioning I suppose you would say) alcoholic, lives across the street from me and you NEVER see him without a beer in his hand. My SO has been the same way.

We went on vacation to Disney World this past week and I left to come home after 2 nights, vs the 5 planned. I left him there after he binged, turned the typical angry/verbally abusive drunk and I just had to walk away. He broke down, I have threatened before to walk away, kick him out, etc for the drinking but never actually did it. I think seeing me get on a plane in Orlando and leave him maybe kicked his head a little. We've spent hours and hours on the phone the past two days and he says he's ready to take whatever steps necessary including inpatient if needed. He does really need to be able to work is the issue, I did find an "intensive outpatient" program by us which is M/W/F for 3 hours a night. I don't know if this is enough for what is needed - they said come to an assessment and go from there. He's to the point he is agreeing to do anything to beat it. I think he's finally realized he's at a critical point that is going to make or break his life...with the anger issues when he drinks it's just a disaster waiting to happen and he has a little girl to think about too.

I'm just trying to stay sane. I suffer from panic/anxiety issues myself and this has really beaten me down, my first Al-Anon meeting is tonight before I pick him up from the airport. I'm super nervous about it but I am so clueless as to my role and what to do, I feel like I hardly keep my own head above water sometimes much less be a reliable rock for him.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, at the same time I'm trying not to be negative either. I never in a million years would have imagined how hard a situation like this is.

If anyone has any suggested reading or activities I would love to hear. Thanks for listening...

You're In the Right Place
 

You'll get love, support, and guidance sticking around here. You'll also get frequent, and sometimes harsh, kicks in the derrier - which if you read my post from earlier today you'll read both the love and feel the kicks that I got.

Anyway, there are a bunch of great people here who will help guide you.

The activity I am suggesting is anything OTHER THAN picking him up at the airport. I know what he is saying, and what he is promising, but you walked away from him just as you warned him you would, and now what you are teaching him is you are not serious, you will take whatever he dishes out so long as he boo-hoos like a baby and sweetens you up with promises.

You sound like a very strong and determined woman to me so forgive me if I am a bit puzzled how you have fallen for it. If he is so bound and determined to give it up, buckle down and get serious, and work an honest program of recovery, why do you have to pick him up from the airport? His dad lives across the street; he can go live THERE.

Read this again:

You are saying you are half insane, panicking, anxious, beaten down, nervous, clueless, and can't keep your own head above water but he expects you to be HIS rock and support HIM, when HE is the one who is making you all of these things in the first place. Where do YOU and YOUR needs fit in here?

You HAVE no role in someone else's recovery from alcoholism or drug addiction. You cannot be anyone's rock but your own. You are not to do ANYTHING for ANY adult, and especially an addict, that they are physically capable of doing for themselves. Yes, what your role is is to take care of YOU. Kudos to you for going to Al-Anon!

Oh, sorry, forgot. :welcome to SR. (((hugs))) NotGinger. Go to that Al-Anon meeting.

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate them.

I did think about his Dad picking him up, but then I didn't really think that was a good situation to be in for him. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. My first instinct when he asked for a ride was that I'd rather do that than have his Dad showing up with a beer in his hand. I realize I'm protecting him and I guess that's not what I'm supposed to do. That's my problem, I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do to help vs enable. I'm trying to learn. What I would consider doing something because I care or want to help is apparently actually enabling which I don't want to do.

As far as falling for the line...I guess a part of me has hope that he can beat it and I can help somehow. From what I'm reading I guess this is a wrong way to go about it too. I have no excuse I guess for this except I was soft. Ugh.

I'm a fixer, always have been a fixer and this is apparently a HUGE problem in this situation.

My anxiety issues came before him, but he has been the cause of a huge increase. I'm hoping to help myself with the meetings, I see my psych and am trying to find other sources of help. I'm going to start back with hobbies and activities that have slowed down or stopped over the past few months.

I just don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this (thank God).

Hello, and Welcome.

What jumped out at me in your above post; "I am a fixer". At one point I thought I was a "fixer", The disease of alcoholism does not come with a repair manual. It is a very personal journey for those who are addicted, and you CANNOT help the alcoholic achieve sobriety.

I can only encourage you to educate yourself regarding addiction. It was the most eye opening experience of my life. Only when I realized and accepted that I was powerless, and nothing I could say or do would make him stop drinking did my life take a turn for the better.

You are among friends here, please read the stickies at the top of the forum, lots of support will be found here.

Time to focus on you. Look forward to reading more of your posts.
Take care.

glad you found this place...you will meet alot of my friends here, they have alot of words of wisdom!


Melody Beattie wrote a few good books and i recommend them.."Codependent No More" and others...the Language of Letting go is a good journal

please try 6 meetings and keep going back...if you dont like one group, try another...have an open mind and

3Cs
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure

your recovery is just that YOURS...his recovery is HIS if and, when every HE chooses to do so...he needs to do this all on him self

Dear notginger. You will recieve literature and get of alanon suggested publications.

In addition, the books that helped me the very most were the books by Melody Beattie which fourmaggie mentioned (find them used on amazon.com)

Also, do a google search for Dr. Floyd P. Garrett, MD and read his articles. You can find some of them on this page under "search" I believe. I read them over and over and over....

Stick with alanon like H***. Very good move that you are already going today!
Keep posting here, also.

daandylion