OK, so he's not drinking...
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OK, so he's not drinking...
Im glad that he hasn't had a drink since at least Thursday morning. He took a xanax yesterday to help with nervous/withdrawl shakes at work. It made him so tired he came home for a nap.
This morning he rolled over in bed and exhaled and I could smell cigarette smoke on his breath. He dips copenhagen and has since I met him. Matter of fact, when I first met him in college he would have a dip in while he smoked... YUK!
This may not seem like a big deal, but I'm really disturbed by it because I spent last fall taking care of my mother who eventually passed away from lung cancer due to her smoking. I saw what it does to the body and know first hand what it did to me having to watch it.
Ive said nothing to him about it because he's struggling enough to not have a drink. What do you think? Should I leave it alone?
This morning he rolled over in bed and exhaled and I could smell cigarette smoke on his breath. He dips copenhagen and has since I met him. Matter of fact, when I first met him in college he would have a dip in while he smoked... YUK!
This may not seem like a big deal, but I'm really disturbed by it because I spent last fall taking care of my mother who eventually passed away from lung cancer due to her smoking. I saw what it does to the body and know first hand what it did to me having to watch it.
Ive said nothing to him about it because he's struggling enough to not have a drink. What do you think? Should I leave it alone?
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in my experience, it was best to stay hands-off of the smoking, as well. honestly, for me it was the lesser of two evils (even though my grandpa died of lung cancer attributed to smoking). did i like that my xabf smoked? absolutely not, but at least it didn't make him belligerent and mean. smoking didn't make him verbally and emotionally abusive, but alcohol sure did. while he was sober, i figured he *needed* it to help him stay focused, as sick as that is. oddly enough, the week he broke up with me, he started laying out plans to get healthy, including switching from rum to wine (ha!!), quitting smoking, and going to the gym. i was supportive of two of those three ideas. bet you can figure out the one i wasn't keen on. 
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Smoking is not something I want to deal with. My ex told me he was going to quit smoking but then he would hang out at cigar bars a few times a week, he would stink to high heaven and he would also smoke when he was hanging out with his alkie friends. It's one of the many things about the relationship that annoyed me. I think you just need someone who is more concerned with their health, I know I do....
To thine own self be true.
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I know it bothers you and worries you and you have every right to your feelings especially considering what you have been through with your mom. But it is HIS choice to smoke and/or dip and you cannot change that. I doubt any doctor would even advise him to even try quitting smoking while trying to stop drinking. Trying to would likely cause him to throw in the towel.
Thank you for sharing though, because I had this same issue with AXBF. He would quit and declare how he was done, no more, and that we were both going to be tobacco free, so I'd get on the wagon and quit smoking, then two weeks later I would smell that God-awful smell from the dip. But I'd still be resolved not to smoke until I personally had some stressor in my life that made me relapse. But what bothered me was it was so distressing every time he would go back, because it would be every other week or two. I could never figure out what direction we were going in. One week he was super committed to healthy eating and healthy living and make all these loud declarations about it, and then two weeks later bringing home junk food and bags of candy and smoking, drinking huge amounts of caffeine even though he is already extremely hyper. I just never felt like I could get a firm footing and move forward in life towards something healthy and happy with him. It is like he spins his wheels at a thousand miles per hour, going NO WHERE.
Sorry for the rant, didn't mean to hijack, just needed to get that out. Thank you so much for sharing Katchie.
Thank you for sharing though, because I had this same issue with AXBF. He would quit and declare how he was done, no more, and that we were both going to be tobacco free, so I'd get on the wagon and quit smoking, then two weeks later I would smell that God-awful smell from the dip. But I'd still be resolved not to smoke until I personally had some stressor in my life that made me relapse. But what bothered me was it was so distressing every time he would go back, because it would be every other week or two. I could never figure out what direction we were going in. One week he was super committed to healthy eating and healthy living and make all these loud declarations about it, and then two weeks later bringing home junk food and bags of candy and smoking, drinking huge amounts of caffeine even though he is already extremely hyper. I just never felt like I could get a firm footing and move forward in life towards something healthy and happy with him. It is like he spins his wheels at a thousand miles per hour, going NO WHERE.
Sorry for the rant, didn't mean to hijack, just needed to get that out. Thank you so much for sharing Katchie.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I know it bothers you and worries you and you have every right to your feelings especially considering what you have been through with your mom. But it is HIS choice to smoke and/or dip and you cannot change that. I doubt any doctor would even advise him to even try quitting smoking while trying to stop drinking. Trying to would likely cause him to throw in the towel.
Thank you for sharing though, because I had this same issue with AXBF. He would quit and declare how he was done, no more, and that we were both going to be tobacco free, so I'd get on the wagon and quit smoking, then two weeks later I would smell that God-awful smell from the dip. But I'd still be resolved not to smoke until I personally had some stressor in my life that made me relapse. But what bothered me was it was so distressing every time he would go back, because it would be every other week or two. I could never figure out what direction we were going in. One week he was super committed to healthy eating and healthy living and make all these loud declarations about it, and then two weeks later bringing home junk food and bags of candy and smoking, drinking huge amounts of caffeine even though he is already extremely hyper. I just never felt like I could get a firm footing and move forward in life towards something healthy and happy with him. It is like he spins his wheels at a thousand miles per hour, going NO WHERE.
Sorry for the rant, didn't mean to hijack, just needed to get that out. Thank you so much for sharing Katchie.
Thank you for sharing though, because I had this same issue with AXBF. He would quit and declare how he was done, no more, and that we were both going to be tobacco free, so I'd get on the wagon and quit smoking, then two weeks later I would smell that God-awful smell from the dip. But I'd still be resolved not to smoke until I personally had some stressor in my life that made me relapse. But what bothered me was it was so distressing every time he would go back, because it would be every other week or two. I could never figure out what direction we were going in. One week he was super committed to healthy eating and healthy living and make all these loud declarations about it, and then two weeks later bringing home junk food and bags of candy and smoking, drinking huge amounts of caffeine even though he is already extremely hyper. I just never felt like I could get a firm footing and move forward in life towards something healthy and happy with him. It is like he spins his wheels at a thousand miles per hour, going NO WHERE.
Sorry for the rant, didn't mean to hijack, just needed to get that out. Thank you so much for sharing Katchie.
I've come to the conclusion that the flesh is weak. There are so many temptations thrown at us each and everyday, thru many different venues, that addiction can be found almost anywhere with anything. The flesh is utterly weak and as God said in the book of Genesis, it repented him that he made man in flesh too. No small wonder!
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My advice on this--I say leave it alone. You are not going to get anywhere with this right now. The beginning of recovery is pure hell for the Addict. He is still in the withdrawl stages. The thing is---it is as hard for him to cope with recovery as it is for you to deal with the alcoholic (and your co-dependency issues).
Sometimes Life---it is hard.
Just go one day at a time. As you will hear many times over--progress;not perfection.
You are doing quite well.
dandylion
Sometimes Life---it is hard.
Just go one day at a time. As you will hear many times over--progress;not perfection.
You are doing quite well.
dandylion
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It's not your place to tell him what to do. That applies to drinking, smoking, eating habits, how he dresses--everything. He is a grown up and you are not his mother.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned in recovery is that I am only responsible for ME. If I don't like something about someone else, it's on me to decide what I will do, not tell them what to do. Somewhere along the line, I acquired a belief that it was my job to take someone who was not adequate as a partner, and mold them into something that I considered acceptable. It just doesn't work that way. You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want.
L
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned in recovery is that I am only responsible for ME. If I don't like something about someone else, it's on me to decide what I will do, not tell them what to do. Somewhere along the line, I acquired a belief that it was my job to take someone who was not adequate as a partner, and mold them into something that I considered acceptable. It just doesn't work that way. You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want.
L
To thine own self be true.
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It's not your place to tell him what to do. That applies to drinking, smoking, eating habits, how he dresses--everything. He is a grown up and you are not his mother.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It's not your place to tell him what to do. That applies to drinking, smoking, eating habits, how he dresses--everything. He is a grown up and you are not his mother.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned in recovery is that I am only responsible for ME. If I don't like something about someone else, it's on me to decide what I will do, not tell them what to do. Somewhere along the line, I acquired a belief that it was my job to take someone who was not adequate as a partner, and mold them into something that I considered acceptable. It just doesn't work that way. You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want.
L
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned in recovery is that I am only responsible for ME. If I don't like something about someone else, it's on me to decide what I will do, not tell them what to do. Somewhere along the line, I acquired a belief that it was my job to take someone who was not adequate as a partner, and mold them into something that I considered acceptable. It just doesn't work that way. You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want.
L
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Oh yes, nothing kills a relationship for me more than my husband calling me Mom.
ewwwww
And, it was because I was acting like his mother. Questioning his whereabouts, put him on a schedule. And he did what he did as a kid, he went around it somehow, and got a kick out of fooling me or lying to me.
Okay, I was an alcoholic smoker. When I stopped drinking, if someone wanted to try to take my cigarettes away, they would have to pry them from my cold dead hands.
(something my alcoholic father used to say! heheheeh)
I finally quit a couple years ago. They stopped tasting good a long time ago, then an ingredient was added to make them go out if they werent constantly smoked! That tasted horrible. That is when I gave it up.
Beth
ewwwww
And, it was because I was acting like his mother. Questioning his whereabouts, put him on a schedule. And he did what he did as a kid, he went around it somehow, and got a kick out of fooling me or lying to me.
Okay, I was an alcoholic smoker. When I stopped drinking, if someone wanted to try to take my cigarettes away, they would have to pry them from my cold dead hands.
(something my alcoholic father used to say! heheheeh)
I finally quit a couple years ago. They stopped tasting good a long time ago, then an ingredient was added to make them go out if they werent constantly smoked! That tasted horrible. That is when I gave it up.
Beth
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Originally Posted by wicked
And he did what he did as a kid, he went around it somehow, and got a kick out of fooling me or lying to me.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Somewhere along the line, I acquired a belief that it was my job to take someone who was not adequate as a partner, and mold them into something that I considered acceptable. It just doesn't work that way. You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want.
Wow, that was hard to type.
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Thank you all for your responses.
I want to clarify something. I've never played the role of his mother, not once in 20 years. I haven't said anything about the cigarettes. I was only contemplating the idea based on my recent experience with my mother. When he quit smoking years ago it wasn't because of me or anything I said, he made that decision all on his own. That's the we we've always treated each other. I didn't ask him to quit drinking either. I just asked if he thought he had a problem; next thing I know, he's pouring out booze in the sink. All on his own.
Again, I was only contemplating talking to him about it but wanted to ask your thoughts on it because I was afraid if I did it would be a bad move considering what he's goin thru at this time.
Thanks again for the support!
I want to clarify something. I've never played the role of his mother, not once in 20 years. I haven't said anything about the cigarettes. I was only contemplating the idea based on my recent experience with my mother. When he quit smoking years ago it wasn't because of me or anything I said, he made that decision all on his own. That's the we we've always treated each other. I didn't ask him to quit drinking either. I just asked if he thought he had a problem; next thing I know, he's pouring out booze in the sink. All on his own.
Again, I was only contemplating talking to him about it but wanted to ask your thoughts on it because I was afraid if I did it would be a bad move considering what he's goin thru at this time.
Thanks again for the support!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Every time you do the following...
...if you do them, you are playing the role of his mother:
This is just a partial list. You get the point.
Cyranoak
- Telling or suggesting to him what he "should" do.
- Cleaning up after him.
- Giving him money.
- Paying his bills
- Taking care of him when he doesn't "feel well."
- Lying to others about his drinking.
- Lying to him about his drinking.
- Protecting him from the consequences of his poor decisions.
- Speaking for him.
- Making decisions for him.
This is just a partial list. You get the point.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Katchie
Thank you all for your responses.
I want to clarify something. I've never played the role of his mother, not once in 20 years. I haven't said anything about the cigarettes. I was only contemplating the idea based on my recent experience with my mother. When he quit smoking years ago it wasn't because of me or anything I said, he made that decision all on his own. That's the we we've always treated each other. I didn't ask him to quit drinking either. I just asked if he thought he had a problem; next thing I know, he's pouring out booze in the sink. All on his own.
Again, I was only contemplating talking to him about it but wanted to ask your thoughts on it because I was afraid if I did it would be a bad move considering what he's goin thru at this time.
Thanks again for the support!
I want to clarify something. I've never played the role of his mother, not once in 20 years. I haven't said anything about the cigarettes. I was only contemplating the idea based on my recent experience with my mother. When he quit smoking years ago it wasn't because of me or anything I said, he made that decision all on his own. That's the we we've always treated each other. I didn't ask him to quit drinking either. I just asked if he thought he had a problem; next thing I know, he's pouring out booze in the sink. All on his own.
Again, I was only contemplating talking to him about it but wanted to ask your thoughts on it because I was afraid if I did it would be a bad move considering what he's goin thru at this time.
Thanks again for the support!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 41
My concern would not be with the smoking, but with the xanax. Alcoholics and addicts should not take xanax as it is highly addictive and works on the same pleasure centers in the brain that alcohol does. I know a number of addicts who simply rotated from alcohol to xanax, my AH included. It is horrible stuff.
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...if you do them, you are playing the role of his mother:
This is just a partial list. You get the point.
Cyranoak
- Telling or suggesting to him what he "should" do.
- Cleaning up after him.
- Giving him money.
- Paying his bills
- Taking care of him when he doesn't "feel well."
- Lying to others about his drinking.
- Lying to him about his drinking.
- Protecting him from the consequences of his poor decisions.
- Speaking for him.
- Making decisions for him.
This is just a partial list. You get the point.
Cyranoak
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't believe I'm doing those things.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by owathu
Same here. I did everything for my AH, ugh, I am embarassed for myself.
He would say, "We're going to quit this smoking habit for good!" and so we would try to quit together. He was the one always talking about not drinking and how gross it was and what a waste of money it was. And he was the one who would bring up the eating habits and what his doctor said he needed to do, and I would just go ahead and implement the dietary changes to our menu.
We'd make an effort to buy all this healthy stuff but then HE would be the one who would then go against them and bring home all this junk food. I could never figure out which way was up. Or then he got all huffy and said, "I don't want to cook for hours!" OK, well, I didn't ask him to cook, I was just cooking meals and he decided to help. I think he was trying to just do what he thought I wanted him to do, but found he did not like those things but then would get mad at me because he thought I was forcing him to do these things, when I never even asked him to; he did them all voluntarily!
Good lord.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
He is a grown up and you are not his mother.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I am only responsible for ME.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
You can either accept people as they are, or get them out of your life. You cannot "make" them be who you want
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