Is it me or the disease?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 12
Is it me or the disease?
My AH seems to be the opposite of some that I have read here. There is very little intimacy in our marriage. I am sick and tired of being turned down for no apparent reason.
I used to think that it was because I was over weight. But in the past year I have lost 60 lbs and I think that I am looking pretty good. We went on a little vacation a few weeks ago and not one time did we have sex. And of course we fought about it AGAIN! This past Friday, once again I was turned down.
My question, is this part of the disease? Or is there something else going on? I am tired of my feelings being hurt and feeling like I am not desireable. This last few episodes has really put me in a tail spin and we have not spoke since Friday night. I have spend all weekend just talking to my self about it being time to move on. After 20 years of marriage this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I dont know how to tell him.
I am afraid that once I say it, I will immediately go into the OMG what have I done stage.
I used to think that it was because I was over weight. But in the past year I have lost 60 lbs and I think that I am looking pretty good. We went on a little vacation a few weeks ago and not one time did we have sex. And of course we fought about it AGAIN! This past Friday, once again I was turned down.
My question, is this part of the disease? Or is there something else going on? I am tired of my feelings being hurt and feeling like I am not desireable. This last few episodes has really put me in a tail spin and we have not spoke since Friday night. I have spend all weekend just talking to my self about it being time to move on. After 20 years of marriage this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I dont know how to tell him.
I am afraid that once I say it, I will immediately go into the OMG what have I done stage.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I believe the answer is yes, it's the disease. You can google it but here is a link to an article about it: ED and alcoholism
This is the same problem I had with alcoholic and addicted XBF. Thank you for sharing your story, because it has been too difficult for me to discuss and I have not been able to appropriately share and work through my feelings about it. I felt rejected, unattractive, and undesirable. It really has damaged my self-image and self-esteem.
This is the same problem I had with alcoholic and addicted XBF. Thank you for sharing your story, because it has been too difficult for me to discuss and I have not been able to appropriately share and work through my feelings about it. I felt rejected, unattractive, and undesirable. It really has damaged my self-image and self-esteem.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Two thoughts based on my experience.
Performance anxiety-men of a certain age+alcoholism=difficulty performing.
My AH seemed so embarrassed and upset that he could not "please me". Well for me it was more about the emotional intimacy that seemed to be lacking elsewhere than the actual physical act but it is different for most men.
Manipulation. He wanted out but did not want to say it for a long time. His heart wasn't into the marriage but didn't want to be the first to walk away. I believe he withheld his affection in order to manipulate me into making the first move. We went from not having sex, to him sleeping on top of the covers to him sleeping on the couch. When we finally agreed to separating and I found a place to go first he said "Now I can sleep in my own bed". Mind you I never asked him not to sleep in our bed and there were other beds in the house. Typical "whoa is me, I'm the victim" mind games he plays.
It is not you! I played that tape in my head for a long time. Congrats on losing the weight. If you feel you look good, and I'm sure you receive compliments from others, don't let 1 person's lack of attention make you doubt the beautiful person you are!
Performance anxiety-men of a certain age+alcoholism=difficulty performing.
My AH seemed so embarrassed and upset that he could not "please me". Well for me it was more about the emotional intimacy that seemed to be lacking elsewhere than the actual physical act but it is different for most men.
Manipulation. He wanted out but did not want to say it for a long time. His heart wasn't into the marriage but didn't want to be the first to walk away. I believe he withheld his affection in order to manipulate me into making the first move. We went from not having sex, to him sleeping on top of the covers to him sleeping on the couch. When we finally agreed to separating and I found a place to go first he said "Now I can sleep in my own bed". Mind you I never asked him not to sleep in our bed and there were other beds in the house. Typical "whoa is me, I'm the victim" mind games he plays.
It is not you! I played that tape in my head for a long time. Congrats on losing the weight. If you feel you look good, and I'm sure you receive compliments from others, don't let 1 person's lack of attention make you doubt the beautiful person you are!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
XBF slept in the other room and would complain that the cat took his spot in my bed. So I thought, "No, you relinquished that spot. Nobody rejected you," but never said these words to him.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
This too was a struggle in my relationship...once alcohol came into the picture (prior to that it was great).
I played a role in it also, but it was not something we learned to communicate about.
I played a role in it also, but it was not something we learned to communicate about.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
It's soo NOT about you!!
Originally Posted by loosingmymind 
My AH seems to be the opposite of some that I have read here. There is very little intimacy in our marriage. I am sick and tired of being turned down for no apparent reason.
I used to think that it was because I was over weight. But in the past year I have lost 60 lbs and I think that I am looking pretty good. We went on a little vacation a few weeks ago and not one time did we have sex. And of course we fought about it AGAIN! This past Friday, once again I was turned down.
My question, is this part of the disease? Or is there something else going on? I am tired of my feelings being hurt and feeling like I am not desireable. This last few episodes has really put me in a tail spin and we have not spoke since Friday night. I have spend all weekend just talking to my self about it being time to move on. After 20 years of marriage this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I dont know how to tell him.
I am afraid that once I say it, I will immediately go into the OMG what have I done stage.
I used to think that it was because I was over weight. But in the past year I have lost 60 lbs and I think that I am looking pretty good. We went on a little vacation a few weeks ago and not one time did we have sex. And of course we fought about it AGAIN! This past Friday, once again I was turned down.
My question, is this part of the disease? Or is there something else going on? I am tired of my feelings being hurt and feeling like I am not desireable. This last few episodes has really put me in a tail spin and we have not spoke since Friday night. I have spend all weekend just talking to my self about it being time to move on. After 20 years of marriage this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I dont know how to tell him.
I am afraid that once I say it, I will immediately go into the OMG what have I done stage.
Without the alcohol, I couldn't have asked for a nicer man....
He had such a gentle, loving way about him....
HOWEVER, that all gradually faded away....(as sad as that is...)
Towards the end of our relationship, I felt the same way you did...
Unfortunately, "intimacy issues" and alcoholism go hand in hand...
Btw, congratulations on your weight loss efforts...
I'm glad that you're taking good care of yourself
Best wishes,
Diva 76
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Based on my experience, I would say it is the disease. My AH always had problems in the bedroom - mostly stemming from the physical detriment that heavy alcohol and pot use causes in men. From there, came his lack of confidence and unwillingness to try anything new, and being unable and unwilling to really ever talk about our sex life. The ED was so prevalent at times and took its toll on my self esteem. At times I didn't want to have sex with AH at all because having no sex was better than having bad, awkward sex with a half limp ****.
Congrats on losing the weight! I bet you look and feel amazing, the confidence over flowing from your every pore. Rock it if you got it!
Congrats on losing the weight! I bet you look and feel amazing, the confidence over flowing from your every pore. Rock it if you got it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My question, is this part of the disease? Or is there something else going on? I am tired of my feelings being hurt and feeling like I am not desireable. This last few episodes has really put me in a tail spin and we have not spoke since Friday night. I have spend all weekend just talking to my self about it being time to move on. After 20 years of marriage this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I dont know how to tell him.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Not wanting to have sex with someone isn't part of the disease but how he handles it is .... it's your fault!
I know for a fact that when I was actively drinking I wanted nothing to do with my boyfriend intimately. It was time I could have been spending getting drunk instead. That is how we think about things as alcohlics. Anything that gets in the way of drinking has to go.
To the original poster, it is NOT your fault, and you should not blame yourself one bit.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove
I think that NYC's response was referring to the fact that "everything" is our fault with an alkie.....
I don't think she meant is was the OP's fault...
I don't think she meant is was the OP's fault...
Well I wish you well with your situation, sometimes we get help early enough to patch things up, and other times you just have to put your foot down and tell us off, sadly. But you have to do what is best for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Here's my $0.02 worth from a males perspective (may not even be worth that $0.02!)....
It is not you! It may or may not be the disease. There are lots of potential causes such as:
1. ED (but I think you would have a reasonable idea of whether this is or isn't an issue). THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
2. HIS perception of how you feel about him or how the relationship has been going lately. For example, some of us don't feel that it is appropriate to try and talk our wives into sex if we get the impression that we haven't been getting along very well lately. In other words, he may ask himself "why would she want sex after we've been struggling and stressed out for the last week? I won't bother her with it." THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
3. He may have a history of sexual abuse. Many men never share this with their wives. However, it can be a factor no matter how long ago it happened. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
4. He may not even know himself why the urge just isn't there as he works through the struggles of life. Makes it hard for you to know. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
5. Any number of other things. Sex is a confusing and delicate thing. Communication and/or Professional help may be in order. Regardless of what it is, I'm pretty sure IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Hope this helps somehow. I'm sure it is hard to discuss. This scares me to even type it!
It is not you! It may or may not be the disease. There are lots of potential causes such as:
1. ED (but I think you would have a reasonable idea of whether this is or isn't an issue). THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
2. HIS perception of how you feel about him or how the relationship has been going lately. For example, some of us don't feel that it is appropriate to try and talk our wives into sex if we get the impression that we haven't been getting along very well lately. In other words, he may ask himself "why would she want sex after we've been struggling and stressed out for the last week? I won't bother her with it." THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
3. He may have a history of sexual abuse. Many men never share this with their wives. However, it can be a factor no matter how long ago it happened. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
4. He may not even know himself why the urge just isn't there as he works through the struggles of life. Makes it hard for you to know. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
5. Any number of other things. Sex is a confusing and delicate thing. Communication and/or Professional help may be in order. Regardless of what it is, I'm pretty sure IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Hope this helps somehow. I'm sure it is hard to discuss. This scares me to even type it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
I just posted a note about what is going on in my life "Ground Hog Day". When my AH came home from the 30 days at the end of September we had sex and then not again until 9 months later. Yes, he was having some hip issues but it was the lack of intimacy in all forms. ED? a little bit but I do think it was the alcohol the used to fuel his libido.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Happier brings up a very good point, that I would like to add a comment to because I believe that it is a subject that needs to have the light shined on it.
***FIrst, I would like to say to loosingmymind that I am in no way saying that this is a problem with her husband.***
I am in a profession where people talk to me about many personal issues. I also have had boyfriends over the years who have also told me about this. These were guys who never told anyone and one could never have guessed.
Many men have a history of sexual abuse in their past. This can cause problems in their sex lives as well as many other aspects of their lives. It is the norm that they keep it a secret from everyone. Often they won't even tell a therapist---unless a great deal of trust has been built and the therapist takes the lead to explore this possibility.
Loosinmymind---Yes, the disease is most likely the cause. Emotionally, and phisiologicaly, alcohol erodes the intimate relationship in a marriage. Don't blame yourself and don't beat him up for it either. This is just compounding your all's misery. Recovery programs for both of you is the answer to this pain.
Congratulations on your weight loss!! Keep focusing on yourself. (Thanks for starting this thread)
dandylion
Now, that the frequency of sexual abuse is coming out of the closet---I think this is worth mentioning. Same is true for women, also.
***FIrst, I would like to say to loosingmymind that I am in no way saying that this is a problem with her husband.***
I am in a profession where people talk to me about many personal issues. I also have had boyfriends over the years who have also told me about this. These were guys who never told anyone and one could never have guessed.
Many men have a history of sexual abuse in their past. This can cause problems in their sex lives as well as many other aspects of their lives. It is the norm that they keep it a secret from everyone. Often they won't even tell a therapist---unless a great deal of trust has been built and the therapist takes the lead to explore this possibility.
Loosinmymind---Yes, the disease is most likely the cause. Emotionally, and phisiologicaly, alcohol erodes the intimate relationship in a marriage. Don't blame yourself and don't beat him up for it either. This is just compounding your all's misery. Recovery programs for both of you is the answer to this pain.
Congratulations on your weight loss!! Keep focusing on yourself. (Thanks for starting this thread)
dandylion
Now, that the frequency of sexual abuse is coming out of the closet---I think this is worth mentioning. Same is true for women, also.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
It was a serious problem for my XABF and had been for several years. At 38 he already had bad ED. This was due to his chronic drinking. Maybe there were other reason that I am not aware of but he told me he had perm damage. Sometimes medication helped other times nope. bothered him more than me. Likely other issues but I understand how you feel.
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