blazinfilly

Thank you guys for responding to my thread. I have indeed read the power post, did that at 3:00 am this morning, for I couldn't sleep, haven't very well in weeks. I have found myself crying over and over for being lost and so confussed. I try talking to my fiancee' about all th confussion I have, but that just angers him. Although, I sat and listened when he "laid it all out on the table" of how it was going to have to be just this past week. In the beginnging I didn't much mind the meetings, but now, I feel so alone. Have you ever been with someone and still felt alone? After hearing some of the things he sai, like having to work on the things that is in his head, that he need to work on himself, I found that the answers to my questions coming clearer. That I indeed need to let him go, go completely away from me, because I love him so much, enough to let him go. See, I know that I can't be totally myself because I do in fact like to go dancing, listen to music and have a drink or two, we're talking maybe once every 2 months here. I finally did go out with my friends, but felt so guilty, like I was doing something wrong because he wasn't with me. I love to dance to slow county music on the arms of my partner, but he can't do these things for fear. I can understand that. I understand that his soberity is everything. I feel so much like I am a convience rather then a person with a mind but mostlly a heart, and its breaking. In my 1st marriage, I was married to a "partier" (he denies he's an alcoholic) I was always put on the back burner for other people, alcohol, and things, then when it was time for more of his wants, that was when I came in the picture, to get his rocks off (pardon the french). Is there something wrong with wanting to be #1 in someone's life? Not nessaryily every waking min. but at least me be the highlight of their day. Today, its about the fellow AA's, missing them, glad to see them. Last night he had went ot a meeting and while I was showering, anticipating on a night of passion, he talks about who all he had seen, it really didn't bother me until one of them was another woman. I am not a jealous person by nature, even though my 1st husband repeatedly cheated on me. This just git me so hard, For the past year, I have listen to him talk to these other women, joke with them, help them do things, so on and so on. I was patient and understanding. I know that with the way things are going in this relationship that I am being unsecure not only about his loving me, but about myself as well. I can't compete with these people in this program, the yall have a bond that I can never touch, and I am suppose to be his best friend. Here in the pst week, there has been a couple of times that things where being kept from me, when up till now nothing was hidden from the other. They would come to light some how and when asked why he didn't tell me, BOOM!...major defense. Do you think I am at the point that I no longer have the desire to be patient any longer? In the power post I read the things about being hooked..the one that talked about being hooked on thinking that if I just wait a little longer things will get better, it states that after a year or so if they don't they probably never will, and that its ok to set time limits. I don't want to waste the rest of my life waiting for him to have time for me, but I also don't want to give up on what may be the best thing that ever happened to me. Man, is my mind wrapped or what?

JT

Blazin,

It sounds to me like you are on your second major relationship with someone who is not meeting your needs.

There are a couple of ways to look at this. Either you are too needy or you are picking the wrong guys.

If you are too needy you need to look inside and begin to meet your own needs instead of waiting for someone else to do it. There is nothing wrong with going out with a friend as long as you are not compromising the relationship that you say you want.

If you are picking the wrong guys you need to look at yourself and why.

So...looking at YOU is the answer. What is it that you want? How long are you willing to wait for it? Do you love the guy you are with or do you love the guy you thought he was? Do you expect too much and if so why?

He is sober, working a program, going to meetings and was doing so when you met him. He wants to hunt instead if sitting in a bar.

All is not lost...he sounds like a decent guy who is looking at himself. You need to do the same.

Hugs,
JT

greynblue

Hey Filly! Welcome!

First, listen to your name...Blazinfilly! You need to view yourself as a good catch, girl. Whether he was in AA when you met him or not, (its better that he is), you now realize that you need more attention from him. He seems to be benefiting from AA and relies on it heavily, which is okay, but you now need more than you did before.

Perhaps you can find something you can do together, so that you might have a common bond to have like he has with his AA friends. That seems like the first thing to do. You are feeling lonely because you need companionship and attention from him. Find something to bond with him on. Something healthy that he can do.

I hope you feel better venting and hope you continue. You are among friends here with comradere like he is in AA. Welcome!
Keep perspective, and Just Tired is right...focus on yourself and your needs. You have to try and meet your needs as much as he does. It can't be all on him to make you happy.

Grey