About me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5
I have a child with my alcoholic boyfriend and am currently pregnant right now. I have never felt worse. If you are having issues now with out children, it will only be worse. I not only have to think about how I am being affected but how my daughter is being affected. She is even being affected by my mood thats caused by his selfish actions.
Please hold off on having children with him until he gets help.
Please hold off on having children with him until he gets help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
You have my sympathy as I know first hard how worrying about someone else's drinking problem can make you feel anxious, sick and hopeless.
The question you need to ask yourself: Is this healthy for you?
It sounds like he needs to make some changes but is unwilling to do so. The sad part is us worrying about them doesn't seem to help them at all and ends up making us a mess. I think you need to distance yourself from this person, get some space, end the relationship if you have to. It sounds like you are miserable - I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Now I'm alone and that's a little sad but at least I can manage my own life w/out worrying about xabf drinking himself into a hole or when he will scream at me again.
The question you need to ask yourself: Is this healthy for you?
It sounds like he needs to make some changes but is unwilling to do so. The sad part is us worrying about them doesn't seem to help them at all and ends up making us a mess. I think you need to distance yourself from this person, get some space, end the relationship if you have to. It sounds like you are miserable - I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Now I'm alone and that's a little sad but at least I can manage my own life w/out worrying about xabf drinking himself into a hole or when he will scream at me again.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by shawty80 
thanks for that reminder, ziggy. i don't miss the arguments that were picked over NOTHING and wondering if he was going to flip out for some imagined slight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
i was a fifth grade science teacher, and he took one of my tests one day and picked a fight over an answer that was counted wrong. he asked me to explain why it was wrong, and then called me condescending for doing so. true story!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Scacra,
I met my AH and knew he was the one i wanted to have a baby with. Long story short, i got pregnant, we married when i was 4 months pregnant. When our baby was 1month and 19 days old he told me he was an A! It has been hell ever since.
Do NOT have a baby knowing that he has a problem with alcohol! I worry about my son daily. I dont want him to fall in his fathers footsteps, he stutters because of all the turmoil he has had in his life so far.
I pictured how it is going to be as a new family with a newborn in the house. Well, let me tell you my AH took that experience away from us. Night after night of going out, drinking, stripclubs, cheating, detox, arrest, leaving and not coming home.... And all this time i was at home alone worried, obsessed, scared. Taking care of a new born and myself after birth. I have regrets about that. Regrets of what i put my baby through. I did some things that i wish on nobody. I have lost so many precious moments with my baby due to worrying, obsessing, being scared, controlling, pretending all was well, getting sober, relapsing.... A MESS! Those are my "things". I chose to stay as long as i did, but a baby does not get to make that call. It is forced into a certain situation if it likes it or not.
I can count on ONE hand how many times he has put our baby to bed, he has never clipped his fingernails, only changed a diaper when asked, is not patient with him.... Unless he was sober, then he was great. But those moments pale in comparison to the bad times.
Now he is 3, we are alone and it is great. Still super hard. But i am finding more and more peace each day. My son is a loving and funny little boy - who misses his daddy. I keep hearing to tell kids the truth about divorce. Sit infront of your child and try to tell him the truth without hurting him or others.... It is really really hard. Why can daddy not come? What do you say to that? Because he has other things that are more important would be the truth....
I am sorry for babbling... These are just my concerns, regrets and experiences. You will get the chance to have a baby. it is such a wonderful experience to be a mom. But don't do it like many of us have. Do it the right way, even if that means you have to wait a few more years.
Again, sorry for babbling and thanks for listening.
I met my AH and knew he was the one i wanted to have a baby with. Long story short, i got pregnant, we married when i was 4 months pregnant. When our baby was 1month and 19 days old he told me he was an A! It has been hell ever since.
Do NOT have a baby knowing that he has a problem with alcohol! I worry about my son daily. I dont want him to fall in his fathers footsteps, he stutters because of all the turmoil he has had in his life so far.
I pictured how it is going to be as a new family with a newborn in the house. Well, let me tell you my AH took that experience away from us. Night after night of going out, drinking, stripclubs, cheating, detox, arrest, leaving and not coming home.... And all this time i was at home alone worried, obsessed, scared. Taking care of a new born and myself after birth. I have regrets about that. Regrets of what i put my baby through. I did some things that i wish on nobody. I have lost so many precious moments with my baby due to worrying, obsessing, being scared, controlling, pretending all was well, getting sober, relapsing.... A MESS! Those are my "things". I chose to stay as long as i did, but a baby does not get to make that call. It is forced into a certain situation if it likes it or not.
I can count on ONE hand how many times he has put our baby to bed, he has never clipped his fingernails, only changed a diaper when asked, is not patient with him.... Unless he was sober, then he was great. But those moments pale in comparison to the bad times.
Now he is 3, we are alone and it is great. Still super hard. But i am finding more and more peace each day. My son is a loving and funny little boy - who misses his daddy. I keep hearing to tell kids the truth about divorce. Sit infront of your child and try to tell him the truth without hurting him or others.... It is really really hard. Why can daddy not come? What do you say to that? Because he has other things that are more important would be the truth....
I am sorry for babbling... These are just my concerns, regrets and experiences. You will get the chance to have a baby. it is such a wonderful experience to be a mom. But don't do it like many of us have. Do it the right way, even if that means you have to wait a few more years.
Again, sorry for babbling and thanks for listening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thanks everybody for the advice. I know that its right. As for having a baby ill leave that for now. We were struggling anyway - i would imagine he maybe isnt the healthiest and this will be contributing to the issue... or maybe its fate and someone saving me from my self! you gotta have faith!
And as for the rest of my life.. well im going to see what happens over the next few months, and set Christmas as my target, the start of a new year, to make a decision one way or the other. Living with the indecision is the part that is driving me mad right now, more so than his drinking. ive become a little withdrawn and depressed about it, im on my second day off work now, and i think in the main its this that is affecting me.
Ive also decided to put me first now. before i believed that i could control him and save him... so i spent all my time with him, and funny enough, when we are together he doesn't need to drink, (so much...) which i thought was the answer.. now i realise that im not the answer so i have to start living for me. i stopped going out with friends, for fear of what i would find when i came back and he had been left on his own, WE stopped attending social events where alcohol may have been present, for worry over him getting to drunk and causing a scene. Now i think, hang on, if i leave you and i haven't been seeing my friends what do i have left? nothing! and im not prepared to do that. Im releasing control and going to face my fears head on, what will be will be, and if he goes backwards again and turns into a ridiculous
drunk.. then its better i find out now rather than delaying the inevitable!!
Also, the sooner i find out what will happen this will aid my decision making process, about whether to stay or leave.
Ill look at the next few months as a trial. ill enjoy my time with him, because it may be my last. I really hope not.
I also think ill save a bit of cash and get him to get all the jobs done round the house - just in case!
oh how i ache for him and the life that he has fallen into. He didn't intend to be like this, and i know he doesn't want this for himself, but i don't think he can even admit it to himself. I watch him everyday trying, trying, trying to fight it, looking bewildered when he fails as he is usually such a strong person
i feel much more positive today folks, and you have helped me with that.
ill keep you updated, even if no-one reads it, its good to express it, as no-one else knows about this in my life and that weighs me down.
thank you!!!
And as for the rest of my life.. well im going to see what happens over the next few months, and set Christmas as my target, the start of a new year, to make a decision one way or the other. Living with the indecision is the part that is driving me mad right now, more so than his drinking. ive become a little withdrawn and depressed about it, im on my second day off work now, and i think in the main its this that is affecting me.
Ive also decided to put me first now. before i believed that i could control him and save him... so i spent all my time with him, and funny enough, when we are together he doesn't need to drink, (so much...) which i thought was the answer.. now i realise that im not the answer so i have to start living for me. i stopped going out with friends, for fear of what i would find when i came back and he had been left on his own, WE stopped attending social events where alcohol may have been present, for worry over him getting to drunk and causing a scene. Now i think, hang on, if i leave you and i haven't been seeing my friends what do i have left? nothing! and im not prepared to do that. Im releasing control and going to face my fears head on, what will be will be, and if he goes backwards again and turns into a ridiculous
drunk.. then its better i find out now rather than delaying the inevitable!!
Also, the sooner i find out what will happen this will aid my decision making process, about whether to stay or leave.
Ill look at the next few months as a trial. ill enjoy my time with him, because it may be my last. I really hope not.
I also think ill save a bit of cash and get him to get all the jobs done round the house - just in case!
oh how i ache for him and the life that he has fallen into. He didn't intend to be like this, and i know he doesn't want this for himself, but i don't think he can even admit it to himself. I watch him everyday trying, trying, trying to fight it, looking bewildered when he fails as he is usually such a strong person
i feel much more positive today folks, and you have helped me with that.
ill keep you updated, even if no-one reads it, its good to express it, as no-one else knows about this in my life and that weighs me down.
thank you!!!
Last edited by scacra1; 08-07-2012 at 12:07 AM. Reason: incorrect grammer!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Just lastly, ive been reading about high functioning alcoholics. This is him to a T. an over achiever in his executive career, always busy round the home, goes to the gym and has a successful relationship.
I believe this to be the part that caused me to not believe that he had an issue, i also believe that this leads HIM to believe that he doesnt have an issue. As he isnt what people would call 'stereo typical.'
Interesting stuff.
I believe this to be the part that caused me to not believe that he had an issue, i also believe that this leads HIM to believe that he doesnt have an issue. As he isnt what people would call 'stereo typical.'
Interesting stuff.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by scacra1
Just lastly, ive been reading about high functioning alcoholics. This is him to a T. an over achiever in his executive career, always busy round the home, goes to the gym and has a successful relationship.
I believe this to be the part that caused me to not believe that he had an issue, i also believe that this leads HIM to believe that he doesnt have an issue. As he isnt what people would call 'stereo typical.'
Interesting stuff.
I believe this to be the part that caused me to not believe that he had an issue, i also believe that this leads HIM to believe that he doesnt have an issue. As he isnt what people would call 'stereo typical.'
Interesting stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Hi scacra
If you hear your clock ticking and you want to have children I'm just saying that being a single parent by choice is possible. He doesn't have to be the father of your children.
A good friend of mine was practically left at the altar. She was in her 30's.
Before her clock stopped, she legally used a sperm donor and has since had two children - not twins - who are biological siblings to the same donor. She owns her own home, has a career and two beautiful children who are adored by her and her extended family.
I'm not suggesting you or anyone else do the same, just saying that there are many other types of family out there and you can make a family.
If you hear your clock ticking and you want to have children I'm just saying that being a single parent by choice is possible. He doesn't have to be the father of your children.
A good friend of mine was practically left at the altar. She was in her 30's.
Before her clock stopped, she legally used a sperm donor and has since had two children - not twins - who are biological siblings to the same donor. She owns her own home, has a career and two beautiful children who are adored by her and her extended family.
I'm not suggesting you or anyone else do the same, just saying that there are many other types of family out there and you can make a family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Lulu,
as much as i may want children im not so sure that i want them enough to have them on my own. I highly respect any women who is a single parent however this has occurs, but im not so sure its something that i want for myself.
Thanks for the positivity though - gets your mind thinking that the obvious isnt the only way!!
as much as i may want children im not so sure that i want them enough to have them on my own. I highly respect any women who is a single parent however this has occurs, but im not so sure its something that i want for myself.
Thanks for the positivity though - gets your mind thinking that the obvious isnt the only way!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Your right learn to live,
when i joined i had the 'image' of what a 'drunk' was... that has now radically changed.
I still cant get over how much i have learned in such a short time on this forum.. you cant beat experience.
when i joined i had the 'image' of what a 'drunk' was... that has now radically changed.
I still cant get over how much i have learned in such a short time on this forum.. you cant beat experience.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have read on these boards and it helped me a lot that "functional alcoholism" is a stage in the disease and where a loved one is at the moment....it does not mean that is where they will stay.
That has helped me immensely when I start to get wound up about it my loved one had a problem or not.
Yes he held down a job, yes many others did not know about his drinking problem, but it was a problem for me, for him, etc.
That has helped me immensely when I start to get wound up about it my loved one had a problem or not.
Yes he held down a job, yes many others did not know about his drinking problem, but it was a problem for me, for him, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
And That's Where I am..
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I have read on these boards and it helped me a lot that "functional alcoholism" is a stage in the disease and where a loved one is at the moment....it does not mean that is where they will stay.
That has helped me immensely when I start to get wound up about it my loved one had a problem or not.
Yes he held down a job, yes many others did not know about his drinking problem, but it was a problem for me, for him, etc.
That has helped me immensely when I start to get wound up about it my loved one had a problem or not.
Yes he held down a job, yes many others did not know about his drinking problem, but it was a problem for me, for him, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
She's quite functioning right now - never misses a day of work, and attacks each day with vigor. But after DS goes to bed, out comes the vodka. I pray that I go to bed before it turns her into an emotional mess.
The A in my life is a good friend and former coworker--emphasis on former. We all thought he was "functioning," too, because he showed up for work every day---until he didn't. He went on a gigantic binge and went AWOL for 3 or 4 days. That at least resulted in him going to rehab, but even so, he still lost his job. Our bosses discovered that even tho he was present in the office, he was actually slipping up on a lot of assignments, which he was able to hide until we had to pick up on his workload while he was in rehab. It was very sad, he was a long-time, trusted exec and it all came crashing down thanks to the bottle.
I wish you and the OP much strength and courage.
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