sosickofcycle

I'm not sure where to start. I guess the most pressing thing which caused me to return to this forum is that this weekend I have lost an important relationship because I was being an insecure, codependent mess. (My codependency results from an 18 year relationship I had with an addict/alcoholic- I am soooo happy to be out of that but can I ever have a normal healthy relationship after that awful 18 years of hell, with all I endured?) It is so sad that I couldn't communicate with him in a way that didn't reveal my insecurity and the freaking mess that I am inside. I knew that he was so much healthier than me. That inspired me to get healthier (not that I wasn't already aware and working on it but it was even more so because of him) so that I thought that I could fake it till I made it! But the crazy came out anyway, exacerbated by his amazing control he had over his own emotions which I perceived as him not loving me anymore which is what made me freak out in the first place. I realize he has issues too, though he isn't as able to say sorry or even realize that he needs some work on those, but if I had held it together we could have made it work. I feel like I will never find that same level of attraction, chemistry, connection again. We were sooooo compatible intellectually, spiritually, and physically. I have never had that with anyone else. I feel lost, my future was with him. I had no vision for what my future might look like outside of that. I don't know how to recreate myself. I thought maybe I could start with some positive affirmations? Instead of telling myself I will never be happy again, never find another one like him,. etc. Any words of support encouragement, or wisdom at all will help me. Thank you!

amy55

Hi,and welcome back to SR. I am just out of (divorced 20 months from an alcoholic who was also abusive). I don't think that I am anywhere near the dating stage. I still shake at the thought of that. I was married for 27 years. My alcoholic was also very abusive. You don't say if yours was, but I would probably say that he was at least emotionally abusive. They say it takes about 1/2 the time that you are with someone who is abusive to get back to where you were before. Maybe sooner with help.

Have you ever gone to alanon, or to therapy?

You don't ever need to recreate yourself, you just need to be you.

When you say "I feel lost, my future was with him" wow, that smacks me right in the face with codie. I'm not getting down on you here, because presently I may be at the same place, that's why I am not dating.

I do know if there was some shot in h3ll chance that I did date now, that the person would know about my triggers, and would not push the buttons.

I also do not find much problems with codie. I think i would like that to mean that I just want to see the other person happy, and that they have the respect to return it.

When you said I don't know how to recreate myself? That is codie. You should just be who you are, how you feel, what you like, what you don't like, etc...

Any future? Of course. My future consists right now of learning about me. Learning to like myself again, learning to love myself. Learning to do the things that I like to do, and doing them. Taking back everything that I had freely given up because I was codie. The only love that I will look for is to love myself again. If by chance something comes along, maybe I'll take another chance.

I was married twice. First marriage about a year. Second 27 yrs. I never thought that I could be happy after each one. You need to have the happiness in yourself first, you don't need to look for that. Once you have that, then whatever will be will be, but you will still be happy

sosickofcycle

Thank you Amy.
I suppose you are right, all of these feelings are codie.
Me saying that my future was with him was because I don't have any vision of myself in the future. I thought my future was with him. So recreating myself is about finding a new vision for a new future. Does that make sense? Is that wrong? I literally second guess everything about my reactions to..well.. everything. Like I can't trust my own reactions to anything normal after managing crazy for so long.

SO 9 years huh? How about the years I was in, but not 'in' you know? Do those count my clock ticking? haha

Thanks again for the reply Amy

sosickofcycle

I keep checking in here hoping someone will have some encouragement for me. I woke up this morning with a start, from a dream I had of him. I felt a very profound sense of loss. I am grieving him. But I really think that I know it is better this way. I need to get my mess together before I try to bring another person in. And he did have a whole set of his own issues that he didn't even acknowledge. So yeah better, but not good. Feels really bad.
And then there's that whole chemistry thing that I am worried I will never find again. I don't understand the people who seem unaffected by their relationships, can just move on from one to another with no emotional effort. I am NOT one of those. Thanks for reading.

Edit: PS I forgot how much I love this place. People who really "get me". How we all have the same experiences, with different details. The support encouragement and wisdom in here is so very helpful, and so very healthy. Thank you all.

pixilation

take the time to get to know yourself again before you attempt a new relationship. It takes time to heal from the kind of damage being with an A can cause.

Learn2Live

Hi sosick. I recognize you; you are me. Are you by chance an ACoA? Have you heard of Al-Anon? I notice you beat yourself up in your posts, and you think that this other person is healthier than you. Maybe knows all the answers? You are taking the blame for the demise of this relationship. You are NOT to blame for the problems in the relationship. Your "codieness" it's not to blame for anything. I have learned that I need to stop doing the same thing and I need to start handing back to the other person what THEY are and were responsible for. There are TWO people in every relationship and if it was codependent, HE contributed to that codependency too. So to think that you are the only one to blame for it, you are tricking yourself. The "Co-" in Codependency means there are TWO dependents, not just one. BOTH of you. (((hugs))) I am with you sosick. Let's get this sickness better. I have found a few Codependents Anonymous meetings local to me. Have you looked yet?

GettingBy

((((Sosickofthecycle))))....

we have all been there. My dark days were not that long ago. What I can say is this...

When I'm actively working my recovery program - there's light, not only at the end of the tunnel, but all around me. When I slip into stinkin' thinkin'... life gets dark and dreary.

I have a great therapist, al-anon, and I read both of Melody Beatties daily readers!!! They probably play the largest part in me staying "on track"... I would definetely recommend getting them.. "The Language of Letting Go" and "More Language of Letting Go".... they are short daily readings I do EVERY morning before I start my day. They get me centered and focused on actively living my recovery!!

sosickofcycle

Hey Learn2Live- I'm not sure what ACoA is? Does that mean I am an alcoholic and a codependent? Thanks for the reply, and that is why I love it in here, because so many of us have experienced the same thing.... it helps. As far as the not blaming codependency I don't really get that. If I hadn't been codependent he wouldn't have had to put up with that craziness right? The relationship I just lost was not with an addict. I thought he was a healthy man and good for me. In a lot of ways he was, he was definitely opposite of my axh (alcoholic ex husband-is that how I write that?) in many many ways. I think I just need another year or five to work on me before trying to make a life with someone else. I really feel a lot stronger at the moment than I did last night. I know it is best that we part ways. I can't do a relationship right now. I have too much on my plate minus that too! It hurts still, but this is just what it feels like to make a smart choice instead of an emotional one I guess...

Gettingby- I have Beatty's book Codependent No More, I will have to get the daily ones too- sounds like a really great idea! I have gone to a few Alanon meetings, but I have my 4yo child 87% of the time, her AF has her 13% legally, though he normally only keeps her for 1 night every other weekend instead of two, which is fine with me! I also have no child care at the moment, so it is hard to get to meetings. I am also looking into therapy. I found out Friday that I am covered through insurance with only a $20 co-pay but only for 10 visits a year or something crazy like that. So now I need to figure out childcare for that too.... it is overwhelming to figure out all the details all the time, with few resources to improve them.

I will get there though, I want to, and I need to.

Learn2Live

sosickofcycle, I was asking if you were an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA), simply because you seem to be blaming yourself 100% and that's what I do (and I believe that is one of the ACoA traits).

I wasn't saying that, I was saying you seem to be blaming yourself and not acknowledging that HE was half the relationship and also responsible for the fact that the relationship did not work out. What craziness on his part did YOU have to put up with? What bothered you about him and the relationship that made you feel crazy in the first place?

I understand. I tended to do this to, i.e., look for people who were the opposite of alcoholics, but that doesn't work. Because I'm still stuck with myself and ALL people have problems and dysfunctions, including people who are not alcoholics or addicts. In fact, being in a relationship with a non-alcoholic can make you even crazier because at least with the alcoholic you can SEE some of why they act the way they do towards you. Just because they are not an alcoholic does not mean they are healthy!! I learned this the hard way.

blowfly

Hi there, i know this feeling, i call it the darkness, i think most of the people on the planet have felt like you do know at some point in there lives. you will get through it i promise. The last time i felt like you do, i had a strange encounter with an elderly lady at a bus stop. she asked what was wrong( i looked miserable) and i told her i'd broke up with the perfect man and felt like i didnt know what to do. she gave me some advice, it helped me i hope it helps you. When you're in the darkness, dont try to fill the whole space with light. start by bringing a little light into your life, maybe doing a job at home you've been putting off or painting your nails. when you've brought a little light, keep it. next day find another bit of light. soon the space wont seem so dark, and you will start to radiate the light yourself. one day you will see there isn't any darkness any more. this is when you will shine, even on the odd days where the darkness comes in ( we all have thoses days) you will have learnt how to bring the light back in. It took me a while to understand what she said, but it helped. there are times now where i struggle to help myself, i wrote a post myself today, and saying to you about the light has made me realise what i must do! keep going, dont give up on yourself, nothing worth while happens over night but you will get there,

sosickofcycle

Thank you all so much. These simple things are the answers! I have cut and pasted a lot of things I saw on these threads today (not just mine!) into a document that I want to print and use to pull my head out of the foggy misery I sometimes end up in.

I am not a AcoA- but I have a mother who I believe is mentally ill, not been diagnosed and certainly not in treatment. A lot of the rules you described were followed in our home as a kid, and in fact everyone in her life still has to not address the elephant in the room or pay the emotional toll for doing so. She will rip you apart if anything approaches criticism. So no one ever holds her accountable for her obnoxious, rude, dysfunctional behavior. So that is probably why I was able to stay with AXH for as long as I did, I learned to just quietly ignore the psychotic behaviors in order to have a non (or less anyway) volatile existence.

Oh the connections...no matter how much I wish they weren't there...

sosickofcycle

Learntolive- he had lots of things that bothered me, made me feel like I couldn't speak my mind, lack of outward emotions, not comforting me in times of sadness and distress (ever), not acknowledging when he did something wrong, always acting like he would have done whatever better than I would have, so I never felt like I could measure up, etc....
So yeah, he does get some blame, but I guess I figure no one is perfect right? I guess I felt like two people not being perfect could make things work, but one person being a complete mess and the other one being less than perfect would be a LOT harder! If that makes sense....

I REALLY am relieved right now. That relationship was taking an emotional toll on me. I am already spread pretty thin. And I was settling for someone who didn't really have the same commitment to it that I did, I need someone to make deposits, not just make withdrawals, when I try that again, in a year, or five! All that, but not saying that I won't totally break down again in five minutes when I think of something about him that I thought was amazing or that he now thinks I'm a lunatic....or whatever....

sosickofcycle

Anvil- that's true and something I have thought about a lot. But this brings up another point that perhaps you who are great free therapists haha can speak to if you have experienced this- I feel like I have no compass for "normal". Like I know what is NOT normal cause that is what I've lived my whole life long. So I don't trust my own reactions, like what if I am reacting this way because i have lived in dysfunction for so long? What if a "normal" person would react differently than I am now? And another weird thing about this is that I feel like I can see other's reacting normally (or not) more than I can see myself doing so. My friends always seem to really appreciate my advice and perspective, unusually so I would even say. There is a certain depth that is developed through painful experiences, so I am probably very deep! But I can't apply that to my own life half the time... I find that very strange.

Learn2Live

sosickofcycle, thank you for posting your situation because it is making me work my program today. So, I'd like to share some of what I have been learning about this week. Hope that's ok and maybe you'll also get something out of it

OK, so I was reading this book called Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. And in it she lists these 13 traits of ACoAs. Here they are:

1. ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.
2. ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru from beginning to end.
3. ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.
5. sosickofcycle, thank you for posting your situation because it is making me work my program today. So, I'd like to share some of what I have been learning about this week. Hope that's ok and maybe you'll also get something out of it

OK, so I was reading this book called Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. And in it she lists these 13 traits of ACoAs. Here they are:

1. ACoAs guess at what normal behavior is.
2. ACoAs have difficulty following a project thru from beginning to end.
3. ACoAs lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. ACoAs judge themselves without mercy.
5. ACoAs have difficulty having fun.
6. ACoAs take themselves very seriously.
7. ACoAs have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. ACoAs overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. ACoAs constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. ACoAs usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. ACoAs are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. ACoAs are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. ACoAs are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Now, I have been reading my "ACA" workbook. ("ACA" is a type of Adult Children of Alcoholics: Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.). And this workbook says the following:

An adult child is someone who responds to adult situations with self-doubt, self-blame, or a sense of being wrong or inferior. It provides a "Laundry List" of characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic or pther dysfunctional household. Note that the ACA program is for ACoAs and people raised in other types of dysfunctional families.

1. We became isolated and afraid of peole and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

I was thinking maybe something here would be helpful to you. It was good for me to type it out, either way.

sosickofcycle

I find it VERY useful! And strange, since I am not a AcoA!! But I meet I think every one of the criteria from that list! How strange! I am going to think on this. And I am going to ask my brother about it -he's a therapist and grew up in the same environment so probably has some insight. Thank you!
Edit: Oh I just saw that the second list is for dysfunctional families not just alcoholic families- got it- thank you!

(And may I add-this is sad- my first instinct was to copy and paste this to the man I just lost- so I could explain why I am this way, so he would maybe not think I am just crazy for crazy sake or something like that...)

CodieBird

Having a vision, goals, interests and activities for myself that never revolved around my ex makes successful transition out of a bad relationship doable for me. It is not wrong, selfish or anything else negative. It is, in fact, normal and healthy. In it's simplest form, it's called taking care of yourself. Nobody can do that for me better than me. Nobody can do that for you better than you. It is neither your job or mine to do that for other individuals. That is for them to do for themselves.

Hang in there and build a strong vision forward for you and your child. If it doesn't count on what others do or don't do, but rather on what you can see to do for yourself, you will probably notice eventually that you're not so vulnerable to relationships that sour. I'm taking a dose of my own medicine presently. Everyday is not perfect, but I feel better about myself and far more hopeful about the future without that self-centered yutz who was all too happy to encourage me letting my life revolve around him too.

Learn2Live

This is really key for me. I realize that in pretty much every relationship I have been in this has been the case. Because being an ACoA, I have no idea who I am, and I just take on someone else's life, someone else's needs, someone else's goals, someone else's everything. I automatically assume this "good girl, good housekeeper, good cook, good helper" role, and whatever else the OTHER person wants, needs, or requires. I do not know if I actually "lose" myself because I do not know if there is actually a SELF in me to lose. I have no idea who I am.

Learn2Live

This is me too sosickofcycle. What helps me is to accept that I AM normal. I am human and so are you. But the problem still exists, right? So, instead of thinking in terms of not normal/normal, I choose to think in terms of healthy/not healthy. Stop judging yourself.

CodieBird

Hang in there, L2L. Surely there is something out in the big wide world that strikes your fancy or inspires you to explore it in more depth? Traveling somewhere you've never been before but always wondered about (even if it's just that historical monument down the road)? A hobby that you always thought seemed neat but never had the time/energy to explore in depth or take a few classes on? A cause or political interest that you support and could become involved?

I stumble and fall a lot. Still haven't made it to my dance classes or church since the breakup (two weeks ago tomorrow). Attended two Al-Anon meetings the week of the breakup and haven't been since. But I did make it to my political summit in D.C., in spite of pain that felt like it was gonna knock me on my @ss.

One day at a time and each day is a new day. The possibilities for it are as endless or limited as I choose. When I choose a limited day, it helps to be forgiving of myself and chalk it up to that's what I needed to do, even if I don't know exactly why (beyond self pity, despair or being overwhelmed) I did it that way. Without all the distraction and hubris of the ex, I'm getting better at putting myself in the hands and Divine Guidance of my HP. Being open to and recognizing the intriguing opportunities that reveal themselves along my way.

It's so awesome how open and receptive strangers were to me on my weekend in D.C. Nobody treated me like an almost toothless hillbilly with a grossly distorted face, which is what I felt like. One of my state senators walked up at lunch and asked to sit next to me (instead of running fast in the opposite direction)! Amazing! We had an excellent conversation about energy policy and its effects. He gave me his card before he left.

When I first met AXBF, I believed that he provided a fullness in my life that I'd never known before. While that may be true, it is certainly not the only or even the best kind of fullness that life has to offer me. It has been painfully clear to me for far too long that I have allowed my relationship with him (and he himself) to repel meaningful interests, activities and people in my life. My life will not be 'less' without him. It has already become fuller and happier. All that was needed was my willingness to let that happen.

Huggs!

m1k3

Good Morning y'all. This has been a great thread. My feelings about this as an ACOA and long time married to an alcoholic are:

I am well on the way to being healthy through working my recovery, reading my al-anon literature, meditating, going to al-anon, posting here and focusing on myself for the 1st time in my life. I feel so much better and actually enjoy life now. I have left my AW and in the process of getting a divorce. I am getting back in touch with who I am and leaving my expectations of how I expect others want be to behave behind. I don't have to second guess myself.

Even though I am so much saner and feeling good about myself I will never consider myself normal. I can't unsee all that I have seen, I can't change my past and what I went through. I can't be a normie because I haven't lived a normal life. My past is part of me. All of us here have either walked through hell or are still trying to find our way out and this has had a deep and profound effect on us. What my program does is let me acknowledge this and work on myself. To take this pain and turn it into a strength.

I can be healthy, sane and serene. I can have a good life. I will just have to accept that I will never be normal. To be honest, everything that happened to me had to happen exactly the way it did for me to be where I am today and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Your friend,