Explaining to the kids - need help - more inside

Old 08-04-2012, 02:06 PM
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Explaining to the kids - need help - more inside

Hi everyone.

I'm new here, and am glad to have found you.

My husband has been a functioning alcoholic for at least 5 years - maybe more. He has never been a mean drunk - far from it. Because he has been drinking for so much of her life, my just-turned 9 year-old does not know him any other way than the joking, friendly, silly dad she's used to. He has tried AA/sobriety several times, but this time is more fully embracing and accepting it. He goes to meetings daily, and usually tells her he's 'going to see his friends' when he goes. For the past 2 or 3 weeks, he has been more withdrawn, a bit down, and a bit less patient. Mood has improved the last few days, but still, there is a noticeable change, and from her point of view, it is NOT for the better. In her mind, his new 'friends' are the cause of her dad's personality change, and she is really mad.

My husband told my older daughter (soon to be 13) why he goes to see his friends, and she seems to accept it without too much difficulty, though I keep my ears and eyes open to make sure she is doing okay.

My question is, what is the best way to help my younger daughter understand that he dad is going through a big change, and what it does and doesn't mean?

Another question is whether I should talk to my husband about this - specifically that daughter and her friends (who all really like my husband and used to hang out at our house quite a bit) are apprehensive of him? I know that some days are a real struggle for him to just get through without drinking, and I don't want to add to the pressure he feels. On the other hand, would it be better, in the long run, for him to know how his behavior affects others?

I hope this makes sense - I'm not sure if I am explaining my concerns well.

Last edited by INflux; 08-04-2012 at 02:08 PM. Reason: missing information
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:18 PM
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Hi there!

I'm new here too. I was just hit a few days ago with the fact my hubby of 20 years is an alcoholic. He's been very open about it since forcing him to talk about it. I'm currently on a trip with my children, minus their father, for a few days to let him think/pray/read & make a "life plan" for himself to follow. I'm praying he is for real. On the way to our destination, I opened up to my children, the youngest being 14, about their fathers condition. Like you, my hubby is a happy-go-lucky drunk who's never angry or violent --he's a good time charley that my children adore. All I can tell you is that it wasn't a surprise to them when I shared the news. Maybe honesty with our children realy is the best policy.
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:45 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I recommend spending time reading in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. Those posts are referred to as the stickies. The stickies contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom from members sharing their personal experience.

I think your oldest daughter is ready to hear some of the truth about dad and his friends. I believe they need to understand that dad is going through some changes and he is getting support from a group of men that have more experience and are willing to help their dad make positive changes.

I hope you will share with both children that the changes in dad are not something they have caused. I still remind my children that they did not cause the alcoholism in our family and that they did not cause the separation of our family (my AH chose not to quit). Children internalize things they don't understand and begin to believe that they caused changes in their loved ones ~ when they are not responsible for the changes.

If your children are in school, you may want to talk with the school counselor about ways to address this with words they will understand.

Have you attended Al-anon meetings for your own face-to-face support? I found the meetings to be of great benefit in my own personal recovery from living with active alcoholism. I even took two of my children to an open Al-anon meeting as a way of introducing them to the meetings and introducing them to the option of attending Al-ateen meetings if they wanted. For now, they are choosing not to attend Al-ateen meetings.

Let us know how we can help support you during this time.
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:30 AM
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Wellcome
IMHO truth is always the best solution. Kids are very intuitive and they always know much more than we give them a credit for. While we keep telling them the lies they know something is wrong, which is only making them confused and fearful things are worse than they are. So they grow up into adults with no clear sense of normality.

I told my kids about their dad's alcoholism when they were younger than yours, I think they were 11 and 7 at the time. They felt relieved and grateful. It brought them peace in the situation they couldn't make sense of. (mind you RAH wasn't a mean drunk either, there was no violence or verbal abuse in our home, he was never completely wasted - he was simply hardly ever home, and slightly tipsy when he was here, but at the same time I was a mess, my relationship with my husband far from normal, as I believe it always is in the household where there is active alcoholism present).

I believe that telling my kids the truth was the best thing I ever did for them. Since than we always speak openly about all things concerning alcoholsim and their dad.
I believe by telling them the truth I did them quite a few favors:
- I resolved their confusion and gave them validation
- I showed them they can trust me, so they felt safe
- I educated them about alcoholism - so when older they can make better choices in their own lives
I'm sure there is more to it, but I believe you get the idea.

Hope this helps
I wish you well
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:28 AM
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hi...welcome and so glad you found us

my story is i am a widow with 2 kids, son is 11 and daughter is 10(end of August)...I am very honest with both my kids about addiction....ADDICTION does EFFECT everyone in the family...my children are very much aware of the family members and how "stupid silly" they can get with "adult drinks" in there hand...

my mother is an addict of CHOCOLATE...this is how i discribed to them about drugs and alcohol(adult drinks)....its a bad craving, its over powering, its a disease...

talk to them for which they would understand...dont hide it...SECRETS KEEP US SICK...as they get older, you can use the proper words..

yes children are smart, yes children do not filter on what they are saying...but as long as you are honest and keep the communication lines open about this...everything will be fine...(ps. if family members/friends question you...they need to mind their p's and q's, if they dont understand then KNOWLEDGE IS POWER)

12 step program for children, teens and adults are out there...AL ATEEN is so good for the kids... and AL ANON for you...

read and read some more...

i hope this helps
god bless
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:42 AM
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Can dad talk directly with the children? Why are you doing what he needs to do? Sorry, but he can talk with his own children individually and take responsibility for himself. Just a thought.
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:15 AM
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Sugarbear, that's a great idea! I think I will urge my hubby to do he same!
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:37 AM
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As an adult child of an alcoholic i encourage your family to find a really good family counselor. The goal should be to help your kids figure out what healthy relationships are... Right now they are basing their belief system and reality on what was an illusion. The last thing you want is your child to be drawn to "good time charlie" as she is hard wired in childhood to be attracted to.
This is what happenedto me and fortunately my kids are very wary of addiction... However...even with honesty and counseling they are scarred... Its a camily diseAse.
We are as sick as our secrets... Don't expect honesty and transperancy from kids whose parents didnt model it.
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:18 PM
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Hi Influx, welcome to SR!

I'm chiming in with another vote for the truth as much as possible, in the most age-appropriate way. My daughter is 8 & I am constantly amazed at how capable she is of handling the truth... and the most important part is that it helps her faith & trust in me to stay strong because she knows I won't lie to her.

We often sit down & discuss AH's sobriety & recovery as a family, out in the open so that everyone is present & we cut miscommunications down to a minimum. That way AH is able to hear her thoughts & concerns 1st-hand & not through me. Based on the ages of your children, I'd suggest something similar. Good luck!
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:28 PM
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Thank you, everyone.

I did tell my husband about my conversation with our youngest, and he did talk with her, and seems to have addressed her concerns sufficiently for now. He had already talked with our older one. I will check with the girls to make sure they know they can go to him or me with any questions or concerns. We also need to talk as a family, I'm sure, and that will come.

Yesterday, I was talking in passing about going to an Al-Anon meeting, and I that set off another light bulb in his head about the impact of his drinking on us. Today he said he brought up the subject at his AA meeting, and I can tell it is on his mind. We'll see how things progress.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:17 PM
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there is a AL ATEEN for the girls...something to look into..great program from what i heard...i am thinking of taking my kids come September
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:27 PM
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When my AXH was going through rehab, they had family meetings where counselors helped explain to the family what alcoholism is and what it does to your brain and behavior and how sobriety and recovery is a treatment that doesn't magically "fix" everything, but that it's a long-term solution.

My kids also met with AXH's alcoholism counselor separate from the family meetings, and he used a metaphor I liked because it worked with my kids. He said when you break a leg, you have to put your leg in a cast. Rehab is sort of like the cast. It helps you heal and it sort of protects you -- that's why they can't call him any time they want, or see him any time they want, because he's in this "cast" that's supposed to protect him while he heals.

Then once you remove the cast, that's not the end of it. Once you remove the cast (come back home and into society again), just like with a broken leg, you have to learn how to use it again, and it's going to be different than you're used to. And just like you have to go to physical therapy to get exercises to get your formerly-broken leg stronger, you have to go to meetings to make you stronger. And you get exercises at meetings just like you do at the PT that help you get stronger and heal.

And when you've broken a leg and you're going through that PT phase, you tend to get impatient and antsy and frustrated. You want so badly for everything to be normal but you know it's not and you can't do what you used to do and that can make you grumpy and sad. And it's a grumpy and sad that you sort of have to work through on your own, it's not a grumpy and sad that you can be cheered up out of with a hug and a movie.

That analogy worked for my kids. They got that. But I'm really grateful there were a couple of counselors who took the first stab at explaining alcoholism to them in the presence of AXH. That made it easier for me, even when he relapsed into full-blown active alcoholism again, to build on what they had learned.

And it also made it easier for me to explain is behavior when he was back to drinking in a context of disease. It helped me talk about his alcoholism in a way that didn't rob him of his dignity. They don't have disdain for him because of his alcoholism; they really do see it as a disease. They hate his behaviour, but they don't hate him. And I think that's a really good thing -- even though I can't always bring myself to feeling the same way.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:45 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

The link above is an SR Blog entry by Cynical One that contains an article with tips on talking to children about a parent's addiction. I thought you might find some additional helpful information here!
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