GettingBy

Well, at least in my case, with children involved. Ugh.

I'm fightin' a codpendent relapse here folks and I need to vent this to a safe place. As many of you know, I moved out in January from the "dream" home. I'm renting a small, but cozy, safe home for me, the kids, and our beloved golden. Life is good. We have been working on our healing - focusing on making our home a place of respect and acceptance. It's a far cry from the palatial life we once had - but it's ours. When I focus on all the good - I'm okay.

Back in June (right after we sold the dream house), XAH called to let me know he had a purchase offer on a new house! I heard him talking to the kids about how great it was... it's huge, has an inground pool, theatre room in the basement, yada-yada-yada. He chose to purchase a house about 20 minutes from the kids school and where we live now - a complete contradiction on our agreement/understanding that we'd both stay in the same school district (I was not surprised by this... he's a selfish arse.)

So I was doing good with it. Staying on my side of the street. Working my gratitude list and not letting myself getting caught in a game of "keeping up with the Joneses" with my XAH.

He has the kids this weekend... and my daughter called me this morning (they call me every day because they miss me!! Love them!!)... and was telling me that she got to go to daddy's new house last night (he's not living there yet). She was so excited and telling me all about going swimming in the pool, her new room and daddy's new room... on and on. I stayed focused on being neutral and supportive for her... but once I hung up... I burst into tears.

I KNOW that it's just material stuff. And I know that he's still an alcoholic jerk. I don't want him back. I am just so mad... that he seems to completely evade any consequences for his bad behavior. He always falls in $hit and comes out smelling like roses!!! His family has circled the wagons and is totally enabling him now. He's dating again... and probably has a new chicky all lined and ready to move in with him.




And here I sit... on the pity pot. Feeling jealous. Mad. Sorry for myself. I'm lonely (yet not ready in anyway to date!!).

I have my recovery tools and I'm putting them into full force. I'm letting go of those images in my head of his new house, and all that crap. I know that I have a great life. I have my amazing cycling team (whom I rode 55 miles with this morning!). I have a great job. I'm a good person. I'm a good strong mom to my beautiful babies.

I know that this WILL pass.... but today... I just want to scream.

Thanks for listening...
Shannon

dandylion

GettingBy, your feelings are perfectly normal under the circumstances.! Go ahead and feel. No need to "stuff" them. I sure have been there.

Just remember that he is hanging himself with his own rope. His disease feeps him from seeing that.

You are on the road to recovery (along with your babies). You are going to be o.k. This will eventually pass. They say it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic. I believe it.

dandylion.

Tuffgirl

Scream away. It is very sad.

But do know that life catches up with all of us at some point.

What you see now is continued maintenance of the facade. The big house (I'M SUCCESSFUL!) with cool kids stuff (I'M A GREAT DAD!) a new girlfriend (THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY DESIRABILITY!) family of origin firmly ensconced in denial (THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AT ALL!).

You know your truth. Your kids will in due time understand, as well. And other people who drift in and out of his life will get it too. It's not an authentic life. It's a facade.

outonalimb

((((((((((Shannon)))))))))))))

First of all...big hugs.... it's not easy having an exah with kids involved. It's tough as hell sometimes... Sounds like you got a big old dose of resentment going today...thinking your exah has escaped all consequences for his behavior and choices. But you know deep down he hasn't escaped anything. He might have dressed the outside up all nice and pretty but his insides are the same. What's the saying?....Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. Resist taking his inventory. I'd much rather live a simple life full of peace and serenity than a chaotic and unhealthy life in a palace. And you would too. You made that decision and went thru hell to find your little piece of serenity. don't let him invade your special place even if its only in your mind.

I'm not trying to 'one up' you but maybe my situation will make you reconsider your situation. My exah is in the final stages of alcoholism living in some crappy trailor in the middle of nowhere with ...no phone...no running water...a few pieces of furniture...no family...no friends...no hope. My son saw him once in the last 4 months for about 2 hours on father's day. My son doesn't have a dad in his life. My exah is just a shell of the man he used to be...his eyes are vacant and hollow...he's drinking himself to death...he's given up all hope. I'd give anything for my exah to recover at least enough that he could play some kind of role in our son's life but his disease has taken its toll and he is near the end (I think...). Try to be grateful that your kids have a dad in their life. He might have all kinds of issues but at least he's there and has something to offer them. I wish I could say the same. Not sure if this helps at all...but I hope it does.

I'm really not trying to make light of your feelings. They are valid. Of course they are. Just trying to put in perspective for you.

Hugs...
Mary

Pelican

55 miles this morning? You rock!
I rode the bike to the farmer's market for fresh produce and home again this morning, and that might have been 10 miles.

Okay,
I'm a real practical kind of gal ~ so when other people see dream house, pool, nice big landscaped yard, bonus rooms, etc.; this is what I see:

chemicals/sweeping/cleaning of a pool $$$
landscaped yard = tons of chemicals to purchase, weeds to pull, water to spray
bonus rooms = more areas to clean and eventually repaint
impressive square footage = more areas to clean and a bigger roof to replace
pffftt, forget that!

I would rather go play outdoors.

(((hugs))) to you as you process this development and how it effects you and your children.

Jazzman

Backyard pool $2750/year in extra utilities and maintenance.
Huge home for one person $3500/mo mortgage.
Serenity, priceless.

GettingBy

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Tuffgirl... that was perfect. It is a facade - and I know what lies underneath. Keeping up appearances is what I hated most about our marriage - that hasn't changed!

Outonalimb - I am glad that you posted that. Humbling and it reminds me to go back to gratitude.

Pelican - you betcha on the 55!!! I'm a nut! I rode 25 miles BEFORE I went to work yesterday and am going out for another 42 tomorrow with my team! Riding has been a life saver for me over the past 4 months. The exercise is wonderful - the time with nature is peaceful - and the commraderie of my teammates is just amazing!!

Jazzman/Pelican - thanks for the reminder on the costs of all that CRAP. I don't want that big house, and all that stuff because I don't value it. I don't want to spend my money or time on it.


Thank you... all of you. You're the best.

NYCDoglvr

Sometimes it really does help to scream! Fortunately you understand that feelings pass. A wise sponsor said "feelings: don't fight them, don't feed them, accept them."

RollTide

55 miles. Wow!!! I'm impressed!

GettingBy

The coolest thing about the cycling... all of my training is so that I can go and do all sorts of charity ride events and raise money for good causes.

I did a 62 mile ride for the local Rescue Mission - because I firmly believe and support all the great work they do helping people who have no where else to go (particularly addicts).

I'm doing a 100 mile ride in 2 weeks to raise money for Cancer Survivors (because I am one! though it didn't hit me nearly as hard as others - I am blessed and grateful!)

I'm going to NYC in October with my team for a 100-mile ride to raise money for MS. A former co-worker has lost her entire quality of life to the dreaded disease and I have to do my part to help find a cure.

lillamy

You know, it's all new and exciting for the kids right now.
They'll be excited for a while but that'll pass.
And then you'll have sort of what I have -- a situation where the kids sigh about "having to go to Dad's house" (even though it's big and nice) and talk about my dingy little apartment in a marginal neighborhood as "home."

Stuff is exciting for a while. But that's not what kids want from their parents. One of mine says "Dad is never going to love me because he's too busy obsessing about himself. But I'll keep going there because I can talk him into buying me stuff and then at least I get that even if I don't get any love." Sad, but insightful.

They will always choose the healthy environment.

GettingBy

Oh Lillamy....

That was so perfect. It's soo unbelievably true. When my kids walk in the front door, they ALWAYS announce, "Mommmy!!!! We're HOOOMMMEEE!!!!" I have given them that. A stable, safe, loving HOME.

That is priceless. Thank you.

EnglishGarden

Many years ago I was the new young wife whom an active alcoholic--divorced, with scheduled visitation in his home with his 12 year old daughter--married. His ex was a single working woman living in a city about an hour away and I did not know her. I also did not know I had married an alcoholic, a late-stage alcoholic.

So this alcoholic had a new, pretty,much younger wife (me, back then), and I came into the marriage with my own little boy--then four years old--and we lived in his big old house near the university where he taught. His students loved him. He always went to work in the morning beautifully groomed and he was always brilliant and funny.

And our life looked GREAT. We made the house more beautiful with remodeling and painting, we had --combined-- two dogs, two cats, a huge fish tank. I was a sweet young woman who--initially-- adored him. We went on family vacations to Maine. He practiced the art of Kung Fu (black belt) and I was in the Tai Chi room next door. We went to lots of movies and every Friday night we got take out Chinese and stayed home with the kids and watched a movie.

That is what his ex saw and heard about.

Behind the curtain:

He regularly drank in the evenings and passed out on the kitchen floor. He became so volatile and violent sometimes when he drank late at night that he punched things and tore cabinet doors off their hinges. He wrecked his car and at the hospital he was so drunk and powerful they had to strap his arms to a table-- and he was so strong he got loose of the restraints. He slapped his daughter and made her mouth bleed. On one trip to Maine he got so darkly drunk that--according to his daughter and her best friend who was with her--he threatened to kill his daughter and stuff her body into the trunk of the car.

Your exah can buy the kids all the goodies in the world and take all the vacations in the world and date all the clueless young women in the world.....but he is not and will never be good to anyone. He will never be good to ANYONE. He will hurt to the core every single person in his intimate life and leave them shredded and shattered.

Dry your tears.

Jazzman

Wow...

Powerful post EG

hadenoughnow

My Exah put on a really good show initially too. Rented a fancy new condo as big as my house. Took our son on weekend trips, spent all kinds of $ he didn't have. Bought a motorcycle. All in an effort to "win" our son and make me look like an idiot for divorcing him. Eventually his "war chest" ran out and he was broke, the only thing that saved him was his mother's death which gave him a cheap place to live and a small infusion of cash.

It didn't change the fact that he still drank every day and our son frequently called me to get him from visitation early. It did not make him a better, more responsible parent.

Four years have passed and our son is 18 now and starting college. The other day exah called our son crying that he may lose his mom's condo because he is laid off again and has borrowed so much against it.

He will make the same mistakes and have the same issues he had before. he is putting on a big show but he won't be able to do it forever.

pixilation

Stbx tried that too, talking about how he got a new trailer, cable tv, a computer, etc. yet his drinking so consumed him that he stopped paying his court fines and has warrants out for his arrest. He hasn't seen his younger children since memorial day weekend(when i found out about the warrants).

Thumper

That would be hard Shannon. I'm glad you have SR to vent to and that you have some tools to recognize it. For me just being able to 'see' the cycle and the symptoms is enough to not go there.

I had a bit of an issue myself. xah (recovering now so he is not drinking which is huge) came to see the kids for five days and left yesterday. 1st time in a year. A couple codie lapses but I could recognizes them and while that might not be enough to stop the feelings, it is enough to not get carried off by them and enough to not act on them. I can stay in my own hula hoop, no fixing/saving/controlling/orchestrating outcomes that are not my own. That is such a gift but I was disheartened to see them crop up at all. Some of it is still lingering but I'm aware so I'm happy and grateful for that.

sosickofcycle

I have had similar feelings lately,when my 4yo goes to Daddy's house (my old house) with the huge backyard with a play structure, our family pets (3 dogs and a cat) her trampoline, that big beautiful home where she gets licorice for dinner and doesn't have to brush her teeth! At first she loved to go there, would cry to go there. That KILLED me, but that had been her home as long as she remembered, and so I understood that was transition. I still felt like i had to compete. I have a 2 bedroom apartment! I even thought about getting a little apartment sized dog, or a guinea pig or something, but then I realized I have enough on my plate, and the truth is I can't even afford vet care for a pet!
Now she doesn't want to go, she wants to stay with me. When she goes, she only stays one night, every other weekend. I hope that he will give up on that facade. He is ALL ABOUT the facade. He is a MESS, and I know this. For 18 years I tried to fix that mess. I don't even miss the big house, I know he is just as empty inside as I left half the rooms in that big house when I left. And he is paying the price, he just doesn't know that yet. I'm sure as he wanders around that big ol house, all by himself, with a bong in one hand and a glass of booze in the other, he starts to feel it, a little, but then he takes another drink, and another bong hit... so he doesn't really have to feel it. Sad loser.

Milly39

My Ah moved into a 2 bed apartment when I asked him to leave...nothing fancy but enough for him....the 2nd bedroom was supposed to be so the boys could stay over with him....that never happened. He doesn't even see them much...but when he does, they get so excited about seeing him, it wouldnt matter if he lived in a palace! They are just happy to spend time with him and that bugs me .... even though he could care less sometimes and sees them when it suits HIM, they still run up and hug him on first sight.

I can see how "Dad having a great place" and by all accounts being a good Dad makes if really hard to swallow..but what the others have said is true...after a while that facade will fall and the kids will see its just all " fluff" and what they have with you is real and loving.

Its not easy dealing with an x when there are kids involved and no matter what happens, he will always be in your lives because of them.

It's ok to feel how you feel, just don't let it drag you down.

GettingBy

Sosickofthecycle.... You and I have the same experience! I moved out of the big fancy house too.

My XAH is still not a very good father to the kids. He's still very self absorbed and dumps them on his mom or sister when he should be with them. He tries to make up for it by buying them things, trips to Disney, etc.

It hurts in the initial impact... Because that's MY ego. When I step back and see the whole picture, it's sad. My babies father doesn't know how to just be himself. He cant see that is all they really want. He's angry... They talk about him being annoyed at this or that. Same stuff that made me leave... Nothing has changed. They are so happy to come home... That I know.

EnglishGarden,

Your post brought me to my knees. Thank you. I know that nothing has changed and I'm fairly certain the next girl is going to get all the same ****. Heck, I got the same crap the 2 girls before me did.


I love the wisdom and experience and support of this board. Ya'll are amazing.