sosickofcycle

I agree GettingBy- he had to make sure I knew a few conversations ago "I am sleeping with multiple women Rachel!" hahaha. I think he thought I would care?I just felt sorry for those poor girls who he will put on a show for. They have no idea what he is all about, and if they are there for his $, they will earn EVERY penny.
There has not been one day that I have felt sad to be out of that mess. I HATE sending my 4 year old over there though, I am stressed and worried the entire time.

Edit: PS YESSSS!!! THis board is amazing! I am so glad I am back here again!

JenT1968

you understand that his consequences include losing you as a partner and mate, right? and that is no small consequence. whether or not he appears from the outside to feel that loss or not, that is a very real consequence of his behaviour to date. perhaps think about why that has not occurred to you as a major deal?

as for the kids? I wanted my parents to love and validate me: seperately, together, whatever, "stuff" is nice, but it's no substitute and you do your kids a disservice to imagine they are so shallow as to be swayed by mere "things" over people and love.

rant away, lovely, cry, shout, and move upwards
xxx

GettingBy

I think losing me is a big consequence... but it sure doesn't look like it has to been to him. In fact, he *seems* to be doing better now that I'm gone... based on outside appearances!! I think that's why I like what EnglishGarden posted... because what I *see* versus what *is* may be two entirely different worlds. I don't know... and frankly, I don't want to try and get into his world to find out.

I *know* that my kids will not be swayed (long term) by his attempts to buy their love and attention... that said... it does suck to listen to them talk about all the great things Daddy gives them, the big beautiful house he has... all that stuff that I can't afford. The reality is - even if I could afford it - I wouldn't do it because it's not what I value.

Tuffgirl

If they are anything like my kids, they will learn to use this to their advantage.

All I have to do is say "no I can't buy you that", they ask their Dad, and he usually does.

Their Dad and I know this, the kids know it, and we all play along in our own dysfunction quietly because for some reason, my asking for money for support of the kids is a no-no, but them asking if a whole 'nother story!

JenT1968

I KNOW it sucks, but the fact that they rattle on to you about this stuff is a massive testament to what a great mom you are, the fact that they don't feel they have to protect your feelings by hiding this stuff, that they can share excitement no matter what the source, means you have done an incredible job loving them, raising them and acting in their interests. THAT is the very best thing any child gets, and you've given that to them.

GettingBy

Awe Jen.... Thank you doesn't even come close... You're post was perfect



So.... I picked the kids up from their dad's new house this evening. They wanted me to come see them swim. Ugh... I wasnt keen on it, but I went because my daughter really wanted me to see her swim. XAH actually texted me to tell me to bring my suit!!!! Uh... Not just no, but **** no!!!! So I went. My daughter wanted to give me tour... I didn't want it but said yes for her. I Smiled and cooed as she showed me around... Only because she was so darn cute. I watched them swim for a little bit and then reminded them we had to get going. XAH kept asking me to swim, offered me shorts and a shirt to swim it.... It was bizarre. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!!

On the way home my daughter begged me to buy a house next to daddy. She said she was mad at ME for living so far away from him!!! Ugh. I bite my tongue and then gently reminded her that we live where live because that's where school is and all our friends and family. He moved over 20 minutes away.... Yet I'm the one getting yelled at. I know it's because they feel safe talking to me... For that, I'm grateful.

We got home.... Made milkshakes and curled up on the couch for a half an hour now they are in bed... Curled up with our golden!!! It's good to have them back!!!

choublak

How is he able to afford all of this? My parents are in the process of getting a divorce, and my dad (has his own business) texts me a lot about how he's going to be "broke by Christmas" and "destitute". Of course he may be exaggerating, but yeah.

GettingBy

Honestly Choublak, its because he's willing to push the limits of his budget. He will spend just about ever penny of his monthly paycheck... Each month... To fund his lifestyle. Keeping up appearances, and for him that means showing of material wealth, is very important to him.

Not me. I prefer to live well within my means. Modest housing with extra cash going to savings so I can have a quality life and peace of mind.

It was actually quite sad to see the big empty house. All the bedrooms... For what? The 3 nights he has the kids every other weekend? House poor so he can be "better" than me. Sad. Very sad.

rerefnstn

I can relate with all of this. I was the "new" girlfriend who knew nothing of the struggles his ex wife had gone through. Because my ex and I had been friends 20 years prior to reconnecting my only frame of reference was how I remembered him. I always say that is why he came in "under my radar". However, 6 months after our perfect relationship began, it unraveled just as quick. Unfortunately, the hurt and damage never seems to fade as quickly. He is now in his 4th rehab and supportive living. He has no license, car and now 5 years probation for an aggravated DWI. It was easier to let go when he was detoxing on the weekends he would come visit because he was hiding his drinking for months and I would care for him like an idiot because he was blame it on his severe diabetes.

Anyway, like I said, he is rehab and wants to move forward together and I just get mad that he thinks I want that. It's so hard because I truly care and love him, but just don't want to be attached to a boat anchor. That's how it feels. Even in his sobriety of 5 months, which 3 are because he was in jail and the other two came after a dangerous relapse where he ended up in the hospital, I feel like it has only just begun. In the end, his ex wife and I have become comrades and realize that there will be other women he will charm and maybe he will stay sober and work through his obstacles with her by his side, but I just don't have the energy to do it. Gratefully we have no kids together and I really had hoped we would have "made it". But in the end I have to accept it's not healthy for me and I need to take my own inventory and realize I am capable of saying no and standing up for myself, regardless of how guilty he makes me feel. The pain with pass. This part I know all too well.

LaTeeDa

Honestly, I think it's part of the alcoholic M.O. My AH bought the kids all kinds of stuff, while not paying a penny in child support. I bought them school supplies and clothing and food, while he bought them laptops and cell phones and vacations. He always tried to buy his way out of guilt. He used to buy me stuff when we would fight. And then he thought the fight didn't matter because he had "made up" for it. It is sad, truly sad.

My philosophy has always been to let the kids enjoy the stuff that I can't afford, if he's willing to pay for it. They know who they can count on when it comes down to it, and it's not him.

L

Cyranoak

...to point out he's an a**-clown.

Guck that Fuy! :uzi2:

Cyranoak