Did I do he right thing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Windsor, On
Posts: 3
Did I do he right thing
My husband was in recovery until Dec. 20th 2003. He came home & attended meetings almost daily for the first 2 weeks. Wed. he left the meeting & went to buy a bottle. I did not know this, Friday I came home & though he denied it.... he was drunk, after a night of tears & agony we discussed it in he morning when he was sober. We discussed how people have "slips" he went to a meeting Sat. afternoon, but once again came home drunk. He told me he sat in the parking lot & actually drank because he was too ashamed to go in.
After allowing him to snore himself into oblivion, which by the way is when I feel my worst. I made him get up take a shower & we went to an open meeting together. I told him I would drive him to his Sunday morning meeting. While he was getting ready I opened one of my alanon pamphlets where it said I can't control his drinking & that by trying to contol his going to a meeting I figured I was doing him more harm than good.
So I told him he was responsible for his sobriety & I would see him when he got home.
Perhaps I didn't interpret this properly though. Perhaps just driving him to the meeting was what he needed somebody to tell him it was okay & that as long as he keeps trying, there is hope.
I am really at a loss as to what my role is supposed to be. I have attended alanon meetings but they seem to be talking about just stories that happened through the week.
Am I supposed to be supportive to him, tell him I believe in him. Or do I go about my business & allow him to get his self esteem together. Right now he is so ashamed it feels wrong to allow him to wallow in that without encouraging him to keep on trying.
Thanks
After allowing him to snore himself into oblivion, which by the way is when I feel my worst. I made him get up take a shower & we went to an open meeting together. I told him I would drive him to his Sunday morning meeting. While he was getting ready I opened one of my alanon pamphlets where it said I can't control his drinking & that by trying to contol his going to a meeting I figured I was doing him more harm than good.
So I told him he was responsible for his sobriety & I would see him when he got home.
Perhaps I didn't interpret this properly though. Perhaps just driving him to the meeting was what he needed somebody to tell him it was okay & that as long as he keeps trying, there is hope.
I am really at a loss as to what my role is supposed to be. I have attended alanon meetings but they seem to be talking about just stories that happened through the week.
Am I supposed to be supportive to him, tell him I believe in him. Or do I go about my business & allow him to get his self esteem together. Right now he is so ashamed it feels wrong to allow him to wallow in that without encouraging him to keep on trying.
Thanks
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
What the two of you need is a sponsor, you in alanon and he in AA his self esteme will heal the longer he is sober I sense some pride in him still and a sponsor can get to the root of that.
What ever you do is out of the goodness of your own heart you see Caitlin ultimatly his recovery is his responsability how ever he may talk to you about some issues and that is where the drinking stems. If he shares with you you have to be able to detatch and not be JUDGMENTAL and for us spouses that is the most difficult task we have is to hear what may be a warped side of the story and not use it as a training session of our adgenda and when we are honest our adgenda is to create the person the way we want them. And what a better time to start than a raw recruit fresh out of rehab.
So at your next alanon meeting find a temperary sponsor. And also go to more than one meeting move around and find one that you are comfortable at not just one that is close.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))) Steve
What ever you do is out of the goodness of your own heart you see Caitlin ultimatly his recovery is his responsability how ever he may talk to you about some issues and that is where the drinking stems. If he shares with you you have to be able to detatch and not be JUDGMENTAL and for us spouses that is the most difficult task we have is to hear what may be a warped side of the story and not use it as a training session of our adgenda and when we are honest our adgenda is to create the person the way we want them. And what a better time to start than a raw recruit fresh out of rehab.
So at your next alanon meeting find a temperary sponsor. And also go to more than one meeting move around and find one that you are comfortable at not just one that is close.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))) Steve
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
It all comes back to taking care of you not him! This is not about him but you.
Alanon does not give advice. When I used to go I listened to the same insane stories over and over I did learn some things by just listening. Frankly I feel that AlAnon should be more supportive then just telling stories, after all that is what people look for, advice and serious help. Alanon to me is just a place to vent and to listen to others vent. I also saw AlAnon as a place to keep me trapped in the drama. Everyone has a different opinion what works for them.
I believe when we go through problems in life and are surrounded by people that are going through the same or similar problems we tend to find comfort in that. "Oh a place that understands what I go through." That worked only for a little while for me.
Don't get me wrong, I think Alanon is a wonderful tool just as thisboard is, however there are other ways for help.
Some people actually get overly attachted to such groups and see them as some magical place to find peace.
The only thing that worked for me was to want to get away from such a dustructive live. I have and it worked beautifully.
So when you asked " what am I suposed to do"? you suposed to take care of you. If you chose a life with someone that drinks that is fine, however know that you are chosing a life of pain , self loss, dysfunction and abuse. Aren't you worth more?
I loved my ex bf with all of my heart and I still do, I just did not love him more than I loved myself. I love myself enough to have put an end to such a horrible life and start living the way God intended me to live, healthy and happy.
There are many resources out there and online. They are free to use. All it takes from you is to want to and stick with it which will be the hardest thing you may have ever done.
Love and many Blessings
Alanon does not give advice. When I used to go I listened to the same insane stories over and over I did learn some things by just listening. Frankly I feel that AlAnon should be more supportive then just telling stories, after all that is what people look for, advice and serious help. Alanon to me is just a place to vent and to listen to others vent. I also saw AlAnon as a place to keep me trapped in the drama. Everyone has a different opinion what works for them.
I believe when we go through problems in life and are surrounded by people that are going through the same or similar problems we tend to find comfort in that. "Oh a place that understands what I go through." That worked only for a little while for me.
Don't get me wrong, I think Alanon is a wonderful tool just as thisboard is, however there are other ways for help.
Some people actually get overly attachted to such groups and see them as some magical place to find peace.
The only thing that worked for me was to want to get away from such a dustructive live. I have and it worked beautifully.
So when you asked " what am I suposed to do"? you suposed to take care of you. If you chose a life with someone that drinks that is fine, however know that you are chosing a life of pain , self loss, dysfunction and abuse. Aren't you worth more?
I loved my ex bf with all of my heart and I still do, I just did not love him more than I loved myself. I love myself enough to have put an end to such a horrible life and start living the way God intended me to live, healthy and happy.
There are many resources out there and online. They are free to use. All it takes from you is to want to and stick with it which will be the hardest thing you may have ever done.
Love and many Blessings
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Good Morning Caitlin! I see you found the boards OK , thank you for the chat yesterday, hows it going ?
As I said yesterday, I am the Alcoholic, and dont know much about Alanon, i am learning tho9, from these boards.
That said , speaking as an A, Ithink it would be a good idea for you to drive him to his first few meetings , not to enable him, but to show support , i have lost my family , because of my drinking, but I would have been so glad if I had had their support initially. Just until he feels comfy enough to get a sponser, and some phone numbers . In my opinion, it is better for him to be AT a meeting , than not, no matter how he gets there !
Good to see you again
HUGX
Lee
As I said yesterday, I am the Alcoholic, and dont know much about Alanon, i am learning tho9, from these boards.
That said , speaking as an A, Ithink it would be a good idea for you to drive him to his first few meetings , not to enable him, but to show support , i have lost my family , because of my drinking, but I would have been so glad if I had had their support initially. Just until he feels comfy enough to get a sponser, and some phone numbers . In my opinion, it is better for him to be AT a meeting , than not, no matter how he gets there !
Good to see you again
HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
You are responsible for you
He is responsible for him. You could drive him to meetings seven days a week, and he could still find a way to drink - if that is his choice.
Offering him support and words of encouragement is great. But ultimately, his recovery is up to him.
Welcome to the forum Caitlin!
Peace,
Gabe
Offering him support and words of encouragement is great. But ultimately, his recovery is up to him.
Welcome to the forum Caitlin!
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Caitlin,
My alcoholic ex is in a similar situation with your husband. You asked, "Did I do the right thing?" I say, YES! Because it's obvious that you've done your best, which is all that you can ever ask of yourself, or that anyone can ask of you.
I think it's possible to be supportive without controlling. I like what Just Me said above about being willing to drive him to the meeting, in the beginning, until he can get a sponsor. I always hear recovering A's say, "Get the body there and the mind will follow!" But I also understand why you're frustrated, because twice he's gone right from the meeting and gotten drunk. Short of waiting for him and driving him home, it's impossible (and unrealistic) for you to try to control his behavior afterwards.
So, clearly, if he KNOWS that one of his Slips is he's going to head out of the meeting and straight to the alcohol, then calmly and gently tell your A to do just one thing at the next meeting... He's got to grab someone/anyone AT the meeting and just TELL them what he's going to do AFTER the meeting (go get sloshed), and that he needs help. That's ALL. They have ALL BEEN THERE. He's got to open his mouth. So many of these guys hang out after the meeting and talk. I guarantee there would be someone there who would be more than delighted to see that he gets home sober. It would also be a good way for him to find a sponsor.
There's no reason why you can't tell him, "Look, honey, don't give up. I am here for you and I do support you. When you're ready, let's get in the car and I'll take you to the meeting." The rest truly is up to him.
Just my two cents worth,
Kate
My alcoholic ex is in a similar situation with your husband. You asked, "Did I do the right thing?" I say, YES! Because it's obvious that you've done your best, which is all that you can ever ask of yourself, or that anyone can ask of you.
I think it's possible to be supportive without controlling. I like what Just Me said above about being willing to drive him to the meeting, in the beginning, until he can get a sponsor. I always hear recovering A's say, "Get the body there and the mind will follow!" But I also understand why you're frustrated, because twice he's gone right from the meeting and gotten drunk. Short of waiting for him and driving him home, it's impossible (and unrealistic) for you to try to control his behavior afterwards.
So, clearly, if he KNOWS that one of his Slips is he's going to head out of the meeting and straight to the alcohol, then calmly and gently tell your A to do just one thing at the next meeting... He's got to grab someone/anyone AT the meeting and just TELL them what he's going to do AFTER the meeting (go get sloshed), and that he needs help. That's ALL. They have ALL BEEN THERE. He's got to open his mouth. So many of these guys hang out after the meeting and talk. I guarantee there would be someone there who would be more than delighted to see that he gets home sober. It would also be a good way for him to find a sponsor.
There's no reason why you can't tell him, "Look, honey, don't give up. I am here for you and I do support you. When you're ready, let's get in the car and I'll take you to the meeting." The rest truly is up to him.
Just my two cents worth,
Kate
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
That is a great reply Kate , in my opinion, he HAS to open his mouth ! lol this from someone who finds that particular part of the program soooo hard 
Hi again caitlin, hows it going ?
HUGX
Lee
Hi again caitlin, hows it going ?
HUGX
Lee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Windsor, On
Posts: 3
Thanks for the wonderful opinions & responses.
He came home sober on Sunday from the meeting. Last night he may or may not have been drinking. My personal task this week is to stop playing detective.
My alanon meeting was very helpful last night.
I think if you look in the dictionary under the word control, I'm pretty sure my picture is posted beside it. I also think that I will be working on step one for a very long time.
The thing I am most indebted to al anon for at this point of my life is the fact that they allowed me to see that alcoholism is a disease & not a choice. It has helped my peace of mind I no longer say "Well if he loved me he would stop"
With the help of al anon I believe I have a chance to work myself out of this downward spiral my family is heading for. When I am stronger & I believe that is happening a little more every day I will beg borrow & steal to get my daughter to attend an al ateen meeting. She deserves to heal, and as a parent my job is to make sure that happens. She doesn't feel she has a problem & won't listen at this point....but with a little subtle hint here & there she may be open to it hopefully sooner than later.
Thanks again for your kind words & support. This place feels like home already.
He came home sober on Sunday from the meeting. Last night he may or may not have been drinking. My personal task this week is to stop playing detective.
My alanon meeting was very helpful last night.
I think if you look in the dictionary under the word control, I'm pretty sure my picture is posted beside it. I also think that I will be working on step one for a very long time.
The thing I am most indebted to al anon for at this point of my life is the fact that they allowed me to see that alcoholism is a disease & not a choice. It has helped my peace of mind I no longer say "Well if he loved me he would stop"
With the help of al anon I believe I have a chance to work myself out of this downward spiral my family is heading for. When I am stronger & I believe that is happening a little more every day I will beg borrow & steal to get my daughter to attend an al ateen meeting. She deserves to heal, and as a parent my job is to make sure that happens. She doesn't feel she has a problem & won't listen at this point....but with a little subtle hint here & there she may be open to it hopefully sooner than later.
Thanks again for your kind words & support. This place feels like home already.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi again Caitlin, I am so glad that you found some help in Alanon. Although I am the Alcoholic, I found it a Blessing to realise that I had a disease, and was not just a weak worthless person. It is kind of " freeing" isnt it ?
Catch you in chat again sometime
HUGX
Lee
Catch you in chat again sometime
HUGX
Lee
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome Caitlin to SR...
As far as I have learned in Al-Anon there are NO mistakes unless I keep repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time....
I too have played detective.....all it got me was sick and tired of being sick and tired....It really is quite simple, someone is either going to drink or they aren't......they are either going to seek soberity or they aren't....the best thing for them and me is get out of their way, and leave the rest to my H.P.
The people in my life never ever decided one day that they would start drinking just to make my life h***. They drank and do drink because they suffer from a terrible disease that kills relationships, marrages, and love...UNLESS I change the dance steps I will never find serenity. Do I love someone who drinks to much...You bet I do...can I save them from the disease of alcoholism....No but they can find a better way of living if I get off their backs and out of their way....
I must keep the focus on me and what I need to do to live with myself....I do that by going to Al-Anon, reading the literature, having a sponsor who I work the steps with, and doing my best to live life the way I believe the God of my understanding wants me to....It says easy but does hard....because it is a new way of living for me and sometimes even now I am uncomfortable with my new behaviors, attitudes, and ways of living...
But I am a far healthier person today than I was yesterday and I'll be far healthier tomorrow than I am today IF I just keep coming back......
Welcome again and I hope you keep coming back...
Love and prayers,
Daffodil
As far as I have learned in Al-Anon there are NO mistakes unless I keep repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time....
I too have played detective.....all it got me was sick and tired of being sick and tired....It really is quite simple, someone is either going to drink or they aren't......they are either going to seek soberity or they aren't....the best thing for them and me is get out of their way, and leave the rest to my H.P.
The people in my life never ever decided one day that they would start drinking just to make my life h***. They drank and do drink because they suffer from a terrible disease that kills relationships, marrages, and love...UNLESS I change the dance steps I will never find serenity. Do I love someone who drinks to much...You bet I do...can I save them from the disease of alcoholism....No but they can find a better way of living if I get off their backs and out of their way....
I must keep the focus on me and what I need to do to live with myself....I do that by going to Al-Anon, reading the literature, having a sponsor who I work the steps with, and doing my best to live life the way I believe the God of my understanding wants me to....It says easy but does hard....because it is a new way of living for me and sometimes even now I am uncomfortable with my new behaviors, attitudes, and ways of living...
But I am a far healthier person today than I was yesterday and I'll be far healthier tomorrow than I am today IF I just keep coming back......
Welcome again and I hope you keep coming back...
Love and prayers,
Daffodil
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: saskatchewan
Posts: 26
Welcome, Caitlin!! I think that understanding it as a disease allows us to change our whole perspective on the A. Like you said, it means that they didn't do it just because they wanted to be a jerk. This is something that I still struggle with,when I start to hurt and resent him for his disease, I always have to take a step back and remind myself that it wasn't a personal thing against me, or b/c he was just a cold person. Anyways- I know some Alanon meetings can be unapproachable, that sometimes the members may forget that others don't w ant to hear them small talk-some meetings are more effective than others, I guess.Shopping around is a good idea. In your second post,it already sounds like you're starting to feel a little better, good to hear!
-SFG29
-SFG29
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