My first post - feels like i'm at a crossroads
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6
My first post - feels like i'm at a crossroads
Hi. I've been lurking around this forum for awhile and am ready to introduce myself.
I'm affected by another's alcoholism - particularly my husbands. We've been married for 7 years and his drinking has been a major problem for the last year and half. We have no children. I love him dearly but am so overwhelmed by the lies that come with alcoholism that I can’t bear the relationship. He is not violet or verbally abusive. When he drinks he shuts down. He has done major irreparable harm to his body. He is truly sick. He has detoxed several times in the last year since and attended both outpatient and residential treatment, in addition to attending AA. The chronic relapsing and accompanying is just so regular now… I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
I regularly attend al-anon meetings (2 a week is my usual) and have found them to be such a help. I work hard to keep my serenity and some days are better than others. I have loving support of friends and family but I need to be making decisions. I’m at the point where I’ve asked him to leave after his most recent relapse which, again, came with lies about his drinking. I’m not entirely sure where he’s going to go, but I get that it’s out of my hands. But I don’t know what else to do. Do I hold out hope for the best? Do I try to organize an intervention (he doesn’t want to go into another treatment program)? Do I call a divorce attorney? He gets that he has a problem. He gets that he has a pattern of relapse. He gets that drinking will kill himself and/or our marriage. Or at least he says he gets all that.
I know you aren’t here to answer my questions exactly and give me advice. But since I’m looking for all the support I can get, I figured it was time to introduce myself and go from there.
I'm affected by another's alcoholism - particularly my husbands. We've been married for 7 years and his drinking has been a major problem for the last year and half. We have no children. I love him dearly but am so overwhelmed by the lies that come with alcoholism that I can’t bear the relationship. He is not violet or verbally abusive. When he drinks he shuts down. He has done major irreparable harm to his body. He is truly sick. He has detoxed several times in the last year since and attended both outpatient and residential treatment, in addition to attending AA. The chronic relapsing and accompanying is just so regular now… I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
I regularly attend al-anon meetings (2 a week is my usual) and have found them to be such a help. I work hard to keep my serenity and some days are better than others. I have loving support of friends and family but I need to be making decisions. I’m at the point where I’ve asked him to leave after his most recent relapse which, again, came with lies about his drinking. I’m not entirely sure where he’s going to go, but I get that it’s out of my hands. But I don’t know what else to do. Do I hold out hope for the best? Do I try to organize an intervention (he doesn’t want to go into another treatment program)? Do I call a divorce attorney? He gets that he has a problem. He gets that he has a pattern of relapse. He gets that drinking will kill himself and/or our marriage. Or at least he says he gets all that.
I know you aren’t here to answer my questions exactly and give me advice. But since I’m looking for all the support I can get, I figured it was time to introduce myself and go from there.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Glad you are here speaking up for yourself and going to Alanon.
It IS out of your hands. He's a grown adult that knows he has a problem, but he hasn't reached his rock bottom, and who knows where that will be, and when that will be. You can't control it, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure it.
It is HIS decision alone. You are powerless to stop him.
Since he's out of the way with that realization, now you can focus on you.
Think back a decade or more, or whenever in your life when you knew calmness, some happiness, and loved just being alive without worrying all the time, full of anxiety, and self-doubt.
I won't tell you to leave him or to stay. I will simply say find that peace within yourself again, whatever it takes.
Life is short, and nobody gets out of it alive.
Make yourself your number 1.
It IS out of your hands. He's a grown adult that knows he has a problem, but he hasn't reached his rock bottom, and who knows where that will be, and when that will be. You can't control it, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure it.
It is HIS decision alone. You are powerless to stop him.
Since he's out of the way with that realization, now you can focus on you.
Think back a decade or more, or whenever in your life when you knew calmness, some happiness, and loved just being alive without worrying all the time, full of anxiety, and self-doubt.
I won't tell you to leave him or to stay. I will simply say find that peace within yourself again, whatever it takes.
Life is short, and nobody gets out of it alive.
Make yourself your number 1.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to post, vent and read as much as needed.
I remember being at the crossroads. I was so overwhelmed with major decisions to make that I was frozen and unable to make any decisions.
What I did: I called someone from my home Al-anon group. She listened to me cry, she listened to me talk, I shared about all the decisions I needed to make and then she asked me this question:
"Do you need to solve all this by 3 p.m. today?"
It was that easy. I was so overwhelmed with major decisions to make: housing, marriage, career, children, etc.... but none of them required my making a decision by 3 p.m. that day.
I gave myself time to learn all the facts before I made the decisions I needed to make for my life.
A free consultation with a divorce attorney was one of the fact finding steps I took. I learned what my options were, what the rulings were in my area, and what steps I could take. That helped me make informed decisions that gave me peace.
Let us know how we can help you.
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to post, vent and read as much as needed.
I remember being at the crossroads. I was so overwhelmed with major decisions to make that I was frozen and unable to make any decisions.
What I did: I called someone from my home Al-anon group. She listened to me cry, she listened to me talk, I shared about all the decisions I needed to make and then she asked me this question:
"Do you need to solve all this by 3 p.m. today?"
It was that easy. I was so overwhelmed with major decisions to make: housing, marriage, career, children, etc.... but none of them required my making a decision by 3 p.m. that day.
I gave myself time to learn all the facts before I made the decisions I needed to make for my life.
A free consultation with a divorce attorney was one of the fact finding steps I took. I learned what my options were, what the rulings were in my area, and what steps I could take. That helped me make informed decisions that gave me peace.
Let us know how we can help you.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
When I was where you are now I started reading up on the domestic laws of the state I live in and separating finances and limiting my liabilities as much as possible. I prepared myself for divorce. There comes a point where you just have to rescue yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. Sorry for the situation that brought you here, but this is a great place to be for resources, experience, strength and hope!
I second what Pelican says above - best to take things one at a time, one day at a time. There are a lot of things to consider. I made a list and worked my way down the list over time, so it wouldn't feel so overwhelming. And I found comfort and solace here and in Al-Anon.
You have our support - ask away! No question is a bad question or a wrong question, and no answer is a wrong answer...we follow the same premise of "take what works and leave the rest" that you find in Al-Anon and AA.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back!
~T
I second what Pelican says above - best to take things one at a time, one day at a time. There are a lot of things to consider. I made a list and worked my way down the list over time, so it wouldn't feel so overwhelming. And I found comfort and solace here and in Al-Anon.
You have our support - ask away! No question is a bad question or a wrong question, and no answer is a wrong answer...we follow the same premise of "take what works and leave the rest" that you find in Al-Anon and AA.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you! I really do need to remind myself, like you said, that I don't need to accomplish everything today. I not need to make and rash decisions that will have a permenant impact on me. I can educate myself and let myself.
And what i feel right now is just SO much anger. Anger at my AH, anger at myself. And i want to act to make it all go away right now - but that's not how life works. I didn't get into this mess in ond day, one week, one month, or really even one year! There's no way i'm going to get out it over one weekend
And what i feel right now is just SO much anger. Anger at my AH, anger at myself. And i want to act to make it all go away right now - but that's not how life works. I didn't get into this mess in ond day, one week, one month, or really even one year! There's no way i'm going to get out it over one weekend
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Anger happens.
It is a normal emotion. It can also be useful in propelling us into a change.
I learned that through this site, Al-anon, self-improvement books and a friend who counsels women. My friend advised me to find healthy ways to express my anger; ways that do not harm another.
These are things that have worked for me:
Putting on tennis shoes and headphones and taking a powerwalk. Pounding the pavement is very therapeutic!
Hitting a pillow.
Screaming and hitting a pillow.
Getting in the car, turning up the radio and screaming/yelling/cursing.
Getting in the car, turning up the radio to scream/yell/curse and hit the seat beside me.
Just get it out so that you don't keep it stuffed inside!
I arrived at an Al-anon meeting one night after a particularly bad episode at my home. On my way to the meeting, I drove with the stereo up and screamed and cursed my way to that meeting. When I arrived, I was hoarse in my voice from screaming. But I was not alone! Another Al-anon member had done the same thing on her way to that meeting that night! We laughed until we had tears!
In the end, we vented the anger without hurting anyone and we were able to focus our attention on other matters.
It is a normal emotion. It can also be useful in propelling us into a change.
I learned that through this site, Al-anon, self-improvement books and a friend who counsels women. My friend advised me to find healthy ways to express my anger; ways that do not harm another.
These are things that have worked for me:
Putting on tennis shoes and headphones and taking a powerwalk. Pounding the pavement is very therapeutic!
Hitting a pillow.
Screaming and hitting a pillow.
Getting in the car, turning up the radio and screaming/yelling/cursing.
Getting in the car, turning up the radio to scream/yell/curse and hit the seat beside me.
Just get it out so that you don't keep it stuffed inside!
I arrived at an Al-anon meeting one night after a particularly bad episode at my home. On my way to the meeting, I drove with the stereo up and screamed and cursed my way to that meeting. When I arrived, I was hoarse in my voice from screaming. But I was not alone! Another Al-anon member had done the same thing on her way to that meeting that night! We laughed until we had tears!
In the end, we vented the anger without hurting anyone and we were able to focus our attention on other matters.
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