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peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good On You!
You are doing excellent recovery work already.
I say that because the Acceptance step was the hardest and most time consuming step for me. I wanted to jump from Awareness to Actions, and that usually ended in more dysfunction. I guess it was part of my knee-jerk reaction of living with active alcoholism.
I think you are going to be okay! Keep on keepin on!
You are doing excellent recovery work already.
I say that because the Acceptance step was the hardest and most time consuming step for me. I wanted to jump from Awareness to Actions, and that usually ended in more dysfunction. I guess it was part of my knee-jerk reaction of living with active alcoholism.
I think you are going to be okay! Keep on keepin on!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Scacra, in the earlier stages of the disease of alcoholism, tolerance to alcohol INCREASES as the alcoholic continues to drink. This means that they require more and more alcohol over time in order to feel the same effects that previous, lower amounts would give them. When a person first starts drinking, they likely can catch a buzz from one or two drinks. But as the drinking behavior continues, they drink more and more to catch that same buzz.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Ok thanks.
He does seem to still get drunk easily... so maybe early stages?
Also - we have been discussing his situation this morning, he is convinced, and convincing me, that he isn't an alcoholic.... is this usual?
He does seem to still get drunk easily... so maybe early stages?
Also - we have been discussing his situation this morning, he is convinced, and convincing me, that he isn't an alcoholic.... is this usual?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good Morning!
I am divorced from my AH. I divorced him 3 years ago. We were married 14 years. I was also married before. I didn't realize it at the time of the first marriage ending, but alcoholism was an issue in my first marriage. My first marriage fell apart after my husband's DUI.
I also believe I am a recovering alcoholic. My drinking escalated from social occasions to drinking daily in my home. I realized I had a broken stop button and finally reached my alcoholic bottom. I became sober while living with active alcoholism in my home (the last marriage).
When I post in the Friends and Family section, I try to keep my focus on this side of recovery ~ what it is like living with addictive behavior from your loved one. I also share my personal experiences with alcoholism when needed.
I am divorced from my AH. I divorced him 3 years ago. We were married 14 years. I was also married before. I didn't realize it at the time of the first marriage ending, but alcoholism was an issue in my first marriage. My first marriage fell apart after my husband's DUI.
I also believe I am a recovering alcoholic. My drinking escalated from social occasions to drinking daily in my home. I realized I had a broken stop button and finally reached my alcoholic bottom. I became sober while living with active alcoholism in my home (the last marriage).
When I post in the Friends and Family section, I try to keep my focus on this side of recovery ~ what it is like living with addictive behavior from your loved one. I also share my personal experiences with alcoholism when needed.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Yes Scacra it is normal. The Alcoholic is in denial, I know I was for years until I found recovery in '81.
Now my family and friends had 'walked away' from me in '79. They told me they wanted nothing more to do with me UNTIL I took care of MY PROBLEM. Now I have to tell you it took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood (an awful place back then and worse now).
Pelican like myself and others on this forum are 'double winners.' We have dealt with our addiction problems, live sober and clean lives, and then went to work on our codependency problems, lol I too try to post from my codependency side but cannot help when I post things pertinent to the disease if I feel it is important for the original poster to understand.
No one is say 'walk away for good'. That is up to you. I will tell you that there are cases of the non A in a couple saying NO MORE and separating. Of the A eventually finding recovery, working a good program of sobriety, has worked through their own issues and the couple does get back together, AFTER they both have WORKED and are working a program for THEMSELVES.
So look at it as not 'leaving forever.' Leaving to allow this man that you love to BE A MAN, and STEP UP TO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES and ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. This will also give you time, which you will need as much as him, to work on you, develope your own boundaries, and learn a 'new way' (much better way IMO) to live your life.
So, keep reading, know that when we 'sound' harsh we are not being mean, we are just trying to impart to you the info you need to help you to 'change' yourself and not have to go through the hell that most of us have.
Alcoholics lie. Their 'reality' is distored, therefore one of the reasons he feels he is NOT an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if he uses the term or not, he is KILLING HIMSELF with the quantity of alcohol he is drinking every week. He is do physical damage to his body that may not be readibly visible YET.
Oh and YES 1 1/2 bottles of wine IS A LOT OF ALCOHOL.
Please keep posting on how you are doing, as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Now my family and friends had 'walked away' from me in '79. They told me they wanted nothing more to do with me UNTIL I took care of MY PROBLEM. Now I have to tell you it took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood (an awful place back then and worse now).
Pelican like myself and others on this forum are 'double winners.' We have dealt with our addiction problems, live sober and clean lives, and then went to work on our codependency problems, lol I too try to post from my codependency side but cannot help when I post things pertinent to the disease if I feel it is important for the original poster to understand.
No one is say 'walk away for good'. That is up to you. I will tell you that there are cases of the non A in a couple saying NO MORE and separating. Of the A eventually finding recovery, working a good program of sobriety, has worked through their own issues and the couple does get back together, AFTER they both have WORKED and are working a program for THEMSELVES.
So look at it as not 'leaving forever.' Leaving to allow this man that you love to BE A MAN, and STEP UP TO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES and ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. This will also give you time, which you will need as much as him, to work on you, develope your own boundaries, and learn a 'new way' (much better way IMO) to live your life.
So, keep reading, know that when we 'sound' harsh we are not being mean, we are just trying to impart to you the info you need to help you to 'change' yourself and not have to go through the hell that most of us have.
Alcoholics lie. Their 'reality' is distored, therefore one of the reasons he feels he is NOT an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if he uses the term or not, he is KILLING HIMSELF with the quantity of alcohol he is drinking every week. He is do physical damage to his body that may not be readibly visible YET.
Oh and YES 1 1/2 bottles of wine IS A LOT OF ALCOHOL.
Please keep posting on how you are doing, as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thank you Pelican and Laurie!
I don't mind your harshness.... its a fact that i need it!
Pelican thanks for sharing your experiences with me, it all aids my learning.
We went out last night with friends for a drink.. i went to the shop this morning, i came back and smelt mouth wash in the bathroom, you guess it, he'd had a drink, but only 1 mouthful of whisky. At 14:30 today he opened a bottle of wine. Says he just wanted to watch the Olympics and chill out with a glass. Now im sat nervously wondering how the rest of the day will transpire... usually an early start only means i thing.
His father is a nasty alcoholic. His sister is one also.
His genuine belief is that he isnt an alcoholic but enjoys a drink, but also uses it as a tool to hurt himself sometimes when he is stressed.
He did stop for ten weeks, but we agreed that it would be a shame for him not to drink on the holiday that we went on.... I'M SUCH A FOOL!!!
So here we are again....
I don't mind your harshness.... its a fact that i need it!
Pelican thanks for sharing your experiences with me, it all aids my learning.
We went out last night with friends for a drink.. i went to the shop this morning, i came back and smelt mouth wash in the bathroom, you guess it, he'd had a drink, but only 1 mouthful of whisky. At 14:30 today he opened a bottle of wine. Says he just wanted to watch the Olympics and chill out with a glass. Now im sat nervously wondering how the rest of the day will transpire... usually an early start only means i thing.
His father is a nasty alcoholic. His sister is one also.
His genuine belief is that he isnt an alcoholic but enjoys a drink, but also uses it as a tool to hurt himself sometimes when he is stressed.
He did stop for ten weeks, but we agreed that it would be a shame for him not to drink on the holiday that we went on.... I'M SUCH A FOOL!!!
So here we are again....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by scacra1 
Thank you Pelican and Laurie!
I don't mind your harshness.... its a fact that i need it!
I don't mind your harshness.... its a fact that i need it!
Funny - from what I hear - it is a similar experience for the addicts...this crazy thing called denial. God knows I've had to pry my fingers off my own to be able to let it go.
One day at a time. Sometimes, one baby step at a time. Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
i just want to help him, i know I am not the answer, but for me if i give up on him how will he ever fight this on his own? surely giving up on those you love cannot help them?
This is something I still struggle with. But the truth is we have no magical powers. If they want to be sober they will find a way to it with or without us.
It seems counterintuitive to leave someone you love when they are "sick" or struggling but there really is a point when you have to start looking at yourself and how sick you have become. Do you really want to babysit him for the rest of your life? Worrying that every time he is away from you, he will drink. It will get to the point where all your decisions will be based on what you think is best for him-not you. I realized I had denied myself certain things to make his life more comfortable and that came with a great deal of resentment. When was someone going to put my needs first? Al Anon helped me realize I was the only one who was going to do that and I was able to learn to do it without feeling guilty.
Acceptance for me has taken a long time. I am still learning as well. Keep reading, go to Al Anon, keep asking questions here. There is bountiful wisdom on these boards.
This is something I still struggle with. But the truth is we have no magical powers. If they want to be sober they will find a way to it with or without us.
It seems counterintuitive to leave someone you love when they are "sick" or struggling but there really is a point when you have to start looking at yourself and how sick you have become. Do you really want to babysit him for the rest of your life? Worrying that every time he is away from you, he will drink. It will get to the point where all your decisions will be based on what you think is best for him-not you. I realized I had denied myself certain things to make his life more comfortable and that came with a great deal of resentment. When was someone going to put my needs first? Al Anon helped me realize I was the only one who was going to do that and I was able to learn to do it without feeling guilty.
Acceptance for me has taken a long time. I am still learning as well. Keep reading, go to Al Anon, keep asking questions here. There is bountiful wisdom on these boards.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
he wont STOP drinking, says he wants to be normal, to drink normally, not too much but not nothing at all.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by scacra1
Ok thanks.
He does seem to still get drunk easily... so maybe early stages?
Also - we have been discussing his situation this morning, he is convinced, and convincing me, that he isn't an alcoholic.... is this usual?
He does seem to still get drunk easily... so maybe early stages?
Also - we have been discussing his situation this morning, he is convinced, and convincing me, that he isn't an alcoholic.... is this usual?
Yes, a huge part of alcoholism is denial. About everything. But especially about whether or not they are alcoholics.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
hello.
Learn to live. Nope, for sure hes not drinking in hiding before i actually see him drinking, the reason i know that is because i know every trick in the book, when we first met he did drink in secret and it took me a while to suss him out... i know for a fact he does just seem to get drunk quickly. i think a lot of the time it the days when he may have been at work for 10 to 12 hours and is tired, that probably has an impact.
the mouth wash thing is him trying to hide the smell of alcohol when he has had a sneaky drink, a dead give away though!
hes been drinking like this for about 8 years i would say... (pre me) ive been with him 2 years. he travelled round the world with his job which meant many nights at a hotel alone with your tab paid for you.... which only meant 1 thing.
he now has a steady 9 to 5 job, home every night in another attempt to try and get a grip as he knew that life style was one of the biggest causes.
Thanks everyone else for the comments... i am leaning so much and become stronger (and wiser)each day.
Learn to live. Nope, for sure hes not drinking in hiding before i actually see him drinking, the reason i know that is because i know every trick in the book, when we first met he did drink in secret and it took me a while to suss him out... i know for a fact he does just seem to get drunk quickly. i think a lot of the time it the days when he may have been at work for 10 to 12 hours and is tired, that probably has an impact.
the mouth wash thing is him trying to hide the smell of alcohol when he has had a sneaky drink, a dead give away though!
hes been drinking like this for about 8 years i would say... (pre me) ive been with him 2 years. he travelled round the world with his job which meant many nights at a hotel alone with your tab paid for you.... which only meant 1 thing.
he now has a steady 9 to 5 job, home every night in another attempt to try and get a grip as he knew that life style was one of the biggest causes.
Thanks everyone else for the comments... i am leaning so much and become stronger (and wiser)each day.
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