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Had a talk with AH; interesting

Old 08-04-2012, 12:07 PM
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Lizzie Im sorry your going thru all of this you remind me of myself so much. I am not married to the man who is like your husband. But I get accussed of all of the same stuff its crazy at times. I have been with him 5 years off and on. He promises me he will change does for a short period then the same stuff creeps back in my relationship. I am always accussed of affairs he brought up some man I dated 4 years ago when we broke up just to fight with me. But I know how the heart is and praying mine will get stronger.
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Liz, I hope your situation turns out differently. I wish mine had.
One might think my situation turned out differently: RAH is sober over a year, very deducated to his recovery, very caring and loving partner, and we are living a nice, happy life together, we are respectful of each other, and all in all I am very pleased with our life right now.

But that didn't happen because we were different, because we, our marriage or our love is/was special. It happened only because we both worked our own recoveries separately, we both separately healed ourselves to the point of being able to be a person that can have a good quality of life with someone else or alone, because we both put our own recovery before anything else. Only than we were (again separately) able to offer something to the other person, and to choose life that suits us the best.

It just so happened that down the line we discovered we still can have a decent life together, and that we still care enough for each other to give our marriage a second chance.

So even though we are still together, after all the madness of active alcoholism, after all the hurt, after him nearly dieing, after so, so many things... our being where we are today isn't despite the things and advices you keep hearing on these boards, but just because of them.

If I never worked on my own recovery, if I never gave myself time and space to heal and grow I don't think I'd be able to have a healthy relationship with RAH or any other man for that matter.

Give yourself respect you deserve, learn to love yourself and keep working on yourself ... that is the best advice I can give. The better you get at it, the better your life will become.

I wish you well
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:25 PM
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I told him that it appeared that alcohol came before his family and that it was more important to him so that feels like someone cheating on you because alcohol has replaced you in importance
Bingo! That is the nature of alcoholism. Nothing comes between an alcoholic and his/her booze. It is higher power, God, love of life, necessary like air. And if you plan to live peacefully with an active alcoholic you must accept this as part of who they are. It's a good reality check because there is nothing you can say or do that will change an alcoholic.
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:48 PM
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Liz... I am a mom of a 41 year old alcoholic and my heart is torn out of my soul. A mom will do anything for their son, including enabling. His dad, same way. He is physically sick from all of what has gone on over the years. A spouse... a different thing. I think a spouse can get very angry at their AH (or AW) and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and end it. A mom doesn't want to do that until they are worn out. I am worn out. My husband is finally wearing out. If it was an AH rather than an Ason, I would probably work hard at becoming very independent and self-sufficient to care for myself and my child (children). I would not continue to compromise my happiness. Life is short. What good is this relationship doing for you and your child? If he was asked to leave, or you and your children left; your AH 'may' decide to quit or he may spiral to the bottom. My son was arrested for driving with revoked license and a DUI 3 (which was 10 days from his DUI 2). He has been in an orange jump suit with shackles! Imagine??? I can't.... Talking abou skin crawling? Mine did. Not in my normal, happy family could my son be in jail in a jump suit. He was granted Bond to go to rehab and now in his 5th week. I am not sure if he is working the program or not. I am financially exhausted, physically exhausted, NOT ANGRY because I am his mom, sad beyond belief. I finally 'hit bottom' myself (I think). I am getting much stronger. My husband...ahhhh, he is physically sick and exhausted from this. He is going to the doctor this week. I think he may have hit bottom. I told him today... he needs to want to heal and be strong and live life. There is nothing we can do for our son until he makes the decision to do it himself. This is the same for your husband. He will not get well until he makes the choice to do so. Perhaps helping him hit bottom by making your own life and going on with living will push him to the bottom so he can get well one day. You may not be married at that point, but you will be living your life and your children will be happy. Just an FYI - We have been supporting, encouraging, helping our son for at least 8 years since we knew there was a definite problem. Prior to that...we thought maybe he was going through a phase, perhaps he could control what he drank. We just didn't know. He married a malevolent woman who on top of his alcoholism is nasty. We just received another nasty email from her... That makes us stronger and know we are ending our dealings with her also. We do not need to deal with another dysfunctional person. We don't know why she is dysfunctional...she came to the marriage that way. It wasn't my son's alcoholism....she was already that way. We may not see our grandchildren who we love dearly, but we aren't living trying to change things because it is just not possible to chane dysfunctional people. Don't compromise your happiness...your life. You can't change your AH. Serenity prayer... and the other thing I repeat over the past couple days.... I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I cant control it. I also think I came to realize recently that this is a disease, but I believe it is a choice. The alcoholic has to make a choice to get well. My AA friend said it is hard. Our son has to want it REALLY BAD to get well. We would think having two wonderful children would be the reason, but I am reading that may not be the case. I ask God to remove the scattered thoughts in my head every day...the thoughts I have no control over. The more I ask, the less scattered thoughts I have...of things I can't control or change. Keep coming here...and/or go to Alanon meetings. I learn this way and this forum has been helpful.... helps me understand and helps gives me strength.
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:00 PM
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I doesn't sound to me like drinking is the issue here. You say you'll leave if he drinks again. Hasn't he been not drinking for a while now? Sounds to me like the issue is his attitude and the way he treats you; just his general narcissism and total disregard for your feelings and threats to divorce you if you attempt financial independence.

So, you had your little talk and what has changed? Anything?
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
My arse-hole says that too. I tell him that most women only sleep with men that they like and who treat them nicely: "I don't like you and you don't like me. If you want sex with a woman who doesn't like you, go to a brothel."
OMG! That's great! Gave me a huge belly laugh.

Thanks!

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Old 08-04-2012, 02:15 PM
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Liz, I am just afraid of what your AH will do that is going to hurt you to your core. The way his mind works is truly sick and I wonder if you see that or not. We get so caught up focusing on the drinking behavior we can't see the forest for the trees. Think of the most hurtful thing he could do to you, don't you want to avoid that? I'm worried. They are capable of the most horrific, heartless acts, and do them out of selfishness, resentment, and sickness.
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:25 PM
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When I was at my lowest and didn't think I could leave, a close friend died young of breast cancer. What I saw very clearly was I don't have unlimited time on this earth. If I decide to continue to be with this alcoholic, I'm choosing misery. And I'm not a victim, I'm deciding to be here. Suddenly it wasn't difficult to leave at all. Second best decision of my life.
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:33 PM
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WOW...interesting thread...thanks for all the comments...i am gaining alot (after he left me) talk about GROWTH....
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:27 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
It seems that he really likes to turn every conversation around to our s*x life when I'm sitting there trying to deal with his craziness and address the drinking. DUH, so stupid of me. wish me luck today.
I've told my husband that the stink of beer is a real turn off for me. I said that the reek of stale vodka brings up my gag reflex rather than any romantic impulse. He replied that in that case I have a problem, and I agreed. I told him that I seem to have developed a new allergy which can only be dealt with through avoidance, like my reaction to seafood. It's a purely physiological response over which I have no control.

He's still thinking about how to respond to my new allergy.
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I doesn't sound to me like drinking is the issue here. You say you'll leave if he drinks again. Hasn't he been not drinking for a while now? Sounds to me like the issue is his attitude and the way he treats you; just his general narcissism and total disregard for your feelings and threats to divorce you if you attempt financial independence.

So, you had your little talk and what has changed? Anything?
Suki, he told me that he would quit after the DUI, but he didn't. He has been drinking and he does it when he travels or when I'm out of town. He's a binge drinker mostly anyway, so this fits him just fine.

and, to answer the question: nothing's changed. In my opinion, I feel worse. After our follow up talk the other night I realized that something he said rings true: He told me that if I didn't want to hear the truth, than I shouldn't have conversations with him. Yep, that sounds good.

I'm still po'd about him telling me that he justifies his p*rn watching because I'm not putting out. Yes, that's a healthy selfish response. Men have needs, you know and I'm not meeting them so therefore it's my fault that he needs p*rn. I'm just tired of everything being my fault.

Funny thing, though: we all got along wonderfully yesterday on our day trip. We went hiking, he was friendly and we all went to lunch, etc. We had a great family day. Except that I was the one sitting there knowing full well that it wouldn't last, it never does.
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:31 AM
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Hey Liz,

I'm glad to know that you all enjoyed your day yesterday, but it's not realistic hoping that one good day spent outdoors hiking as a family may be an indication that he's changed for good. There is a drinking problem, a porn problem, anger issues, little or no regard for you and your feelings to mention a few. Are you hoping that the light bulb will go off if you keep waiting for it and he will shed his outer skin like a snake and reveal the new improved him?

He told you if you didn't want to know the truth you shouldn't have conversations with him-Isn't he telling you this is it baby, my rules, like it or don't but you are staying. Didn't he tell you that he didn't believe in divorce?
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
Hey Liz,

I'm glad to know that you all enjoyed your day yesterday, but it's not realistic hoping that one good day spent outdoors hiking as a family may be an indication that he's changed for good. There is a drinking problem, a porn problem, anger issues, little or no regard for you and your feelings. Are you hoping that the light bulb will go off if you keep waiting for it and he will shed his outer skin like a snake and reveal the new improved him?
Nope. You know, the porn isn't really a problem. The problem with that is that he uses me as his excuse to do it, instead of taking responsibility for his part.
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:36 AM
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That makes porn a problem then-No?
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
That makes porn a problem then-No?
You're right, I guess I'm just more ticked off about the rape comments and stuff like that. I actually don't even care about the drinking or the porn anymore. I hope he goes to New Mexico tonight, drinks himself silly, picks up a hooker, gets pulled over on his suspended license, gets the rental car impounded, and winds up in jail. Yep, I'm in resentment and anger mode right now. Not a good place to be, thank goodness I'm going to church today!
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:48 AM
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Anger isnt a bad thing lizatola. Anger to me usually signifies that one of my boundaries is being violated. For me that means I need to focus on what I can do to fix the situation...

What I have learned through al-anon and here is that sitting around waiting for the offender to play nice has never gotten me anywhere.

How's your plan coming? You said you'd rather live in a car than with his drinking... What are YOU doing to put yourself in a more serene place?
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:52 AM
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Narcissism and total disrespect for your feelings. These are either intolerable or they aren't. You say you'll leave if he drinks again, and then you say that you know he still drinks. Bizarro World. I have my own ideas why you stay, but they don't matter. Nothing has changed, you feel worse, and nothing is going to change unless YOU change it.
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Old 08-05-2012, 08:01 AM
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My opinion is that porn in a house with kids is a problem.

I also wished my AH would die. He has health problems that drinking should have killed him. Then he didn't die. So, I told him he wasn't coming home after the last hospital admission. I am not sure what I would have done if that hadn't happened. He had told me to leave before in a fit of rage, but that certainly wasn't going to work, in my case I pay all of the bills and care for the kids. Not sure how I would have made him leave. Anyway, I could not take it anymore. He is in rehab, we shall see how it goes. I am not sure that I want to work on the relationship anymore. Pretty wrung out after so many years.
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Old 08-05-2012, 08:37 AM
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gerry- thank you for that. I feel like that is my mom and dad. Only my dad is 61, and she is still sucking...
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:06 AM
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Liz- that is awesome! I am allergic to all alcoholics and addicts too!!
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