Let's all stare at the elephant in the room
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
Let's all stare at the elephant in the room
We've been together for a handful of years now. I knew he liked to drink on weekends. But then again, so do many people, don't they?
But something about the need for it bothered me. Over those handful of years, we have had discussions about it, sometimes loudly, sometimes more serious and quiet. Yesterday was one of the quiet ones, and perhaps the most frightening of all. Yesterday he acknowledged his addiction.
For the most part, he drinks occasionally on Friday nights, and almost always on Saturday nights. Usually a couple bottles of wine, sometimes a shot or two of something else. He sips, not gulps. Most nights it is a slow creep into inebriation. He doesn't fall down, he doesn't drink outside our home, he doesn't get hung-over, he doesn't hit me.
He says he wants it to decompress from the week, that it helps him think, opens his mind. He says that drinking only on weekends is his harm-reduction approach to it all. That he has thought about this, exploring methods and philosophies to find balance, to manage it.
It used to be much worse, before me. It is better now than before. That isn't delusion or false hope, that is real. It is better now than it was when we began too.
But it's still hard to live with. The anxiety that settles into a big twisted metal ball in my chest each Friday, the unpredictability of him going from loving, to argumentative, to jovial, to brooding, to who knows where in the next moment. The eggshells I walk each and every weekend cut and prickle me.
I love him. There is so much good in him; good that makes those nights bearable, livable. And I am old enough to know just how tenuous that balance is. How difficult the choices are. To accept with love and support, or to go. I am not willing to walk away. Not yet, maybe not ever.
Which leaves me with trying to work through the anxiety. It leaves me with wondering if I am over-analyzing, catastrophizing, when the reality is maybe not that horrible. I don't know.
I don't know the answer to any of this.
But something about the need for it bothered me. Over those handful of years, we have had discussions about it, sometimes loudly, sometimes more serious and quiet. Yesterday was one of the quiet ones, and perhaps the most frightening of all. Yesterday he acknowledged his addiction.
For the most part, he drinks occasionally on Friday nights, and almost always on Saturday nights. Usually a couple bottles of wine, sometimes a shot or two of something else. He sips, not gulps. Most nights it is a slow creep into inebriation. He doesn't fall down, he doesn't drink outside our home, he doesn't get hung-over, he doesn't hit me.
He says he wants it to decompress from the week, that it helps him think, opens his mind. He says that drinking only on weekends is his harm-reduction approach to it all. That he has thought about this, exploring methods and philosophies to find balance, to manage it.
It used to be much worse, before me. It is better now than before. That isn't delusion or false hope, that is real. It is better now than it was when we began too.
But it's still hard to live with. The anxiety that settles into a big twisted metal ball in my chest each Friday, the unpredictability of him going from loving, to argumentative, to jovial, to brooding, to who knows where in the next moment. The eggshells I walk each and every weekend cut and prickle me.
I love him. There is so much good in him; good that makes those nights bearable, livable. And I am old enough to know just how tenuous that balance is. How difficult the choices are. To accept with love and support, or to go. I am not willing to walk away. Not yet, maybe not ever.
Which leaves me with trying to work through the anxiety. It leaves me with wondering if I am over-analyzing, catastrophizing, when the reality is maybe not that horrible. I don't know.
I don't know the answer to any of this.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Yes, please find some al-anon meetings and go. This situation is not going to go away, and quite frankly, it will probably get worse. Alcoholism is progressive, meaning it gets worse, never better, unless they quit drinking. It is totally up to you whether or not you stay with him, but please get some help for yourself so you will be prepared and can learn how to detach from his actions. Good luck, and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If it were me, I would be making my "own" weekend plans.
He does have the right to drink every stinkin weekend.
And you have the right, to not be witness to the same ol same ol shenanigan's.
It truly gets old, and over a period of time robs us of our own joy.
Only you can decide, if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. While life maybe tolerable today, I can say with all certainty, my life became unmanagable as XA disease progressed.
Hope you continue to read and post. You are not alone.
He does have the right to drink every stinkin weekend.
And you have the right, to not be witness to the same ol same ol shenanigan's.
It truly gets old, and over a period of time robs us of our own joy.
Only you can decide, if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. While life maybe tolerable today, I can say with all certainty, my life became unmanagable as XA disease progressed.
Hope you continue to read and post. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LinguaFranca 
But it's still hard to live with. The anxiety that settles into a big twisted metal ball in my chest each Friday, the unpredictability of him going from loving, to argumentative, to jovial, to brooding, to who knows where in the next moment. The eggshells I walk each and every weekend cut and prickle me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by LinguaFranca
But it's still hard to live with. The anxiety that settles into a big twisted metal ball in my chest each Friday, the unpredictability of him going from loving, to argumentative, to jovial, to brooding, to who knows where in the next moment. The eggshells I walk each and every weekend cut and prickle me.
I love him. There is so much good in him; good that makes those nights bearable, livable. And I am old enough to know just how tenuous that balance is. How difficult the choices are. To accept with love and support, or to go. I am not willing to walk away. Not yet, maybe not ever.
Which leaves me with trying to work through the anxiety. It leaves me with wondering if I am over-analyzing, catastrophizing, when the reality is maybe not that horrible. I don't know.
I don't know the answer to any of this.
Being single and lonely is a lot easier than being with someone else and being miserable.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He doesn't fall down, he doesn't drink outside our home, he doesn't get hung-over, he doesn't hit me.
I'm asking because... for years, I settled for that minimum. He's drunk every night but at least he's not a violent drunk.
I decided in the end that I deserved better. You do, too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
LinguaFranca, welcome to SR. 
I am sorry for the situation that brings you here, but am very glad you found us! You will find a wealth of information, experience, strength, and hope on these forums.
I have been on both sides of the fence, both as a long-term recovering alcoholic and as a recovering codependent. I didn't think I needed Alanon when I first got clean/sober because I left my abusive EXAH. He never embraced sobriety though he completed rehab a short time before I went in.
In reality, I was so very damaged from living with the effects of his alcoholism on me. I clearly remember the days of walking on eggshells, the self-doubt, the sick feeling in my gut.
Because I sought no help in healing from that damage, for 11 long years post-rehab, that unresolved "baggage" influenced my decisions in life profoundly, and not in a positive way.
I am so glad I finally gave Alanon a chance. It has helped me tremendously in all areas of my life! Unfortunately I have a 34-year-old addicted daughter, but Alanon has saved my bacon more than once in that area.
I have also sought therapy over the years when more intensive self-work was needed.
I'd like to suggest a book for you that you can buy cheap on amazon..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It sure helped me identify behaviors and beliefs that were not serving me well.
There are a lot of "sticky" topics at the top of this forum, good reading, and will educate you on alcoholism.
Again, welcome to SR, I hope you continue to post, and know you have landed among those who understand and care. Sending you hugs of support.
I am sorry for the situation that brings you here, but am very glad you found us! You will find a wealth of information, experience, strength, and hope on these forums.
I have been on both sides of the fence, both as a long-term recovering alcoholic and as a recovering codependent. I didn't think I needed Alanon when I first got clean/sober because I left my abusive EXAH. He never embraced sobriety though he completed rehab a short time before I went in.
In reality, I was so very damaged from living with the effects of his alcoholism on me. I clearly remember the days of walking on eggshells, the self-doubt, the sick feeling in my gut.
Because I sought no help in healing from that damage, for 11 long years post-rehab, that unresolved "baggage" influenced my decisions in life profoundly, and not in a positive way.
I am so glad I finally gave Alanon a chance. It has helped me tremendously in all areas of my life! Unfortunately I have a 34-year-old addicted daughter, but Alanon has saved my bacon more than once in that area.
I have also sought therapy over the years when more intensive self-work was needed.
I'd like to suggest a book for you that you can buy cheap on amazon..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It sure helped me identify behaviors and beliefs that were not serving me well.
There are a lot of "sticky" topics at the top of this forum, good reading, and will educate you on alcoholism.
Again, welcome to SR, I hope you continue to post, and know you have landed among those who understand and care. Sending you hugs of support.
Last edited by Seren; 08-03-2012 at 08:06 AM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Look, it's not necessarily the same for everybody...
...but I would argue that without giving Alanon a chance, and with an open mind, you won't find out if it's going to work for you (whomever "you" are).
Original Poster, please consider trying at least six Alanon meetings, some different, before deciding if it is, or isn't, for you. For me it worked and has improved all relationships in my life, not just with my alcoholic wife. I had issues related to my childhood and parenting, codependency and control that were unrelated to my wife and her drinking. Alanon helps me with those issues and has improved those dramatically.
For others, maybe it doesn't work and the reasons don't matter because you don't yet know if it will work for you.
Please keep an open mind and try six Alanon meetings.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Original Poster, please consider trying at least six Alanon meetings, some different, before deciding if it is, or isn't, for you. For me it worked and has improved all relationships in my life, not just with my alcoholic wife. I had issues related to my childhood and parenting, codependency and control that were unrelated to my wife and her drinking. Alanon helps me with those issues and has improved those dramatically.
For others, maybe it doesn't work and the reasons don't matter because you don't yet know if it will work for you.
Please keep an open mind and try six Alanon meetings.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Last edited by Seren; 08-03-2012 at 01:15 PM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted post.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yuck. I don't miss eggshells. I also understand and respect your decision to stay. It is your life, and you do as you want to, good.
Now do as you want to on those weekends, excellent advice from an earlier poster.
I remember the anxiety...what time will he start drinking today? he is irritable...he needs to drink...he is starting to drink--great--the first few mellow him out and we can both stop holding our breath...now he is having the fourth double, here comes the crazy personality...oh please don't want to talk to me, especially about anything serious or dominating/controlling over me...now would he just pass out please?
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
And that was the gist of it. The only time either of us could relax was when he was passed out.
I HATED weekends. I started getting nervous about the impending doom about Thursdays.
That is NO WAY to LIVE.
Now do as you want to on those weekends, excellent advice from an earlier poster.
I remember the anxiety...what time will he start drinking today? he is irritable...he needs to drink...he is starting to drink--great--the first few mellow him out and we can both stop holding our breath...now he is having the fourth double, here comes the crazy personality...oh please don't want to talk to me, especially about anything serious or dominating/controlling over me...now would he just pass out please?
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
And that was the gist of it. The only time either of us could relax was when he was passed out.
I HATED weekends. I started getting nervous about the impending doom about Thursdays.
That is NO WAY to LIVE.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
I remember the anxiety...what time will he start drinking today? he is irritable...he needs to drink...he is starting to drink--great--the first few mellow him out and we can both stop holding our breath...now he is having the fourth double, here comes the crazy personality...oh please don't want to talk to me, especially about anything serious or dominating/controlling over me...now would he just pass out please?
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
This is where I am at now. What makes it worse is the black out sessions. then the next morning is all peaches and cream, (because she cant remember a thing) Mine is also everyday, not just the weekends. I find myself always checking what I say, how I say it so the elephant doesnt get poked
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
This is where I am at now. What makes it worse is the black out sessions. then the next morning is all peaches and cream, (because she cant remember a thing) Mine is also everyday, not just the weekends. I find myself always checking what I say, how I say it so the elephant doesnt get poked
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by grizz
I remember the anxiety...what time will he start drinking today? he is irritable...he needs to drink...he is starting to drink--great--the first few mellow him out and we can both stop holding our breath...now he is having the fourth double, here comes the crazy personality...oh please don't want to talk to me, especially about anything serious or dominating/controlling over me...now would he just pass out please?
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
This is where I am at now. What makes it worse is the black out sessions. then the next morning is all peaches and cream, (because she cant remember a thing) Mine is also everyday, not just the weekends. I find myself always checking what I say, how I say it so the elephant doesnt get poked
YES! He's passed out...thanks the gods...now we are both finally relaxed.
This is where I am at now. What makes it worse is the black out sessions. then the next morning is all peaches and cream, (because she cant remember a thing) Mine is also everyday, not just the weekends. I find myself always checking what I say, how I say it so the elephant doesnt get poked
They don't remember much if anything, appear calm as a cucumber, while we shake with anxiety because we remember it all, vividly, and are waiting to see what time the drink, rinse, repeat, starts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Lingua Franca,
I read my own experiences in your post. When I was forced to call the police because my AH threatened to kill me and himself leaving our children "parentless" (his word), I bent over backwards to tell the police and anyone else that he had never hit me. Even though it's true, why did I feel the need to say that? Maybe as you read this, you'll think to yourself..."that's crazy, who cares if he never hit her...he said he would kill her!" It always seems so much easier to have the appropriate response when it is someone else's situation. I have flashes where I get the right perspective and I need to have those flashes more. Step back and imagine this is happening to someone you love - what would you say to her?
Best,
MamaKit
I read my own experiences in your post. When I was forced to call the police because my AH threatened to kill me and himself leaving our children "parentless" (his word), I bent over backwards to tell the police and anyone else that he had never hit me. Even though it's true, why did I feel the need to say that? Maybe as you read this, you'll think to yourself..."that's crazy, who cares if he never hit her...he said he would kill her!" It always seems so much easier to have the appropriate response when it is someone else's situation. I have flashes where I get the right perspective and I need to have those flashes more. Step back and imagine this is happening to someone you love - what would you say to her?
Best,
MamaKit
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
