in rehab and not sure what MY next step is
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
in rehab and not sure what MY next step is
Hi again,
AH of almost 30 years, battled the A and blew 25 years of sobriety. Has long-term medical problems unrelated to (but aggravated by) the alcoholism.
My question is what now? Program is 4 months, he has done about 1, and he still has not communicated to me any real remorse, regret, or responsibility. After the temper tantrum the other day, I see that any of those may not be possible. He also has a head injury from last fall that was indirectly related to his drinking. He cannot think straight and I am not sure if he will ever. It certainly didn't keep him from running his mouth, though, the main source of the family pain.
I have been detaching for almost 3 years. I don't think I want to do the work of re-learning to communicate with him (if he IS able). Still have minor children at home. I cannot find a reason to keep the relationship going. I see it as the consequences of his actions. He sees it as punishment. I don't care what he thinks anymore. Even when dry, his behavior was bad and I am not hopeful it can be different enough. I have actually ENJOYED my time alone these last months.
My dilemma is that I want to move on, but feel stuck waiting for his time at rehab to be over. I am sure that he is not coming to live at home after and I can organize living arrangements for him (he hasn't worked for 15 years due to disability) and do have a plan to provide the space (if he can live alone) and he can work out getting help with daily living, managing what money he has, etc. Then I just want to work out a plan for him to spend time with the kids and let us/me move on. I hesitate to make things formal, because I may end up having the court decide that I need to support him and I will anyway, but want to try on my terms. Control much? I will do it if I have to, though.
I don't expect anyone here to have a solution, just needed some place to vent a bit. The situation with health, kids, etc is complicated. I want to be done managing it, but there are no people out there to really help him- it doesn't really exist, or at least I cannot do anything until he gets back in this part of the state. Because it is considered "health" and all the privacy stuff, it can be hard to get others to see my side (they tend to just see the physical health problems and not the mental ones, oh, until he makes them angry, too)- though I do currently have power of attorney.
I want to unravel him from my life, but of course cannot immediately. Maybe that is my sickness, wanting to let go completely even though that may not be totally appropriate? Emotionally, I am done; he has used up a lifetime worth and I have nothing left for him. it is just the kids that I need to consider, though they don't seem heartbroken that he is not here. It has been really horrible the last few years.
thanks for listening.
AH of almost 30 years, battled the A and blew 25 years of sobriety. Has long-term medical problems unrelated to (but aggravated by) the alcoholism.
My question is what now? Program is 4 months, he has done about 1, and he still has not communicated to me any real remorse, regret, or responsibility. After the temper tantrum the other day, I see that any of those may not be possible. He also has a head injury from last fall that was indirectly related to his drinking. He cannot think straight and I am not sure if he will ever. It certainly didn't keep him from running his mouth, though, the main source of the family pain.
I have been detaching for almost 3 years. I don't think I want to do the work of re-learning to communicate with him (if he IS able). Still have minor children at home. I cannot find a reason to keep the relationship going. I see it as the consequences of his actions. He sees it as punishment. I don't care what he thinks anymore. Even when dry, his behavior was bad and I am not hopeful it can be different enough. I have actually ENJOYED my time alone these last months.
My dilemma is that I want to move on, but feel stuck waiting for his time at rehab to be over. I am sure that he is not coming to live at home after and I can organize living arrangements for him (he hasn't worked for 15 years due to disability) and do have a plan to provide the space (if he can live alone) and he can work out getting help with daily living, managing what money he has, etc. Then I just want to work out a plan for him to spend time with the kids and let us/me move on. I hesitate to make things formal, because I may end up having the court decide that I need to support him and I will anyway, but want to try on my terms. Control much? I will do it if I have to, though.
I don't expect anyone here to have a solution, just needed some place to vent a bit. The situation with health, kids, etc is complicated. I want to be done managing it, but there are no people out there to really help him- it doesn't really exist, or at least I cannot do anything until he gets back in this part of the state. Because it is considered "health" and all the privacy stuff, it can be hard to get others to see my side (they tend to just see the physical health problems and not the mental ones, oh, until he makes them angry, too)- though I do currently have power of attorney.
I want to unravel him from my life, but of course cannot immediately. Maybe that is my sickness, wanting to let go completely even though that may not be totally appropriate? Emotionally, I am done; he has used up a lifetime worth and I have nothing left for him. it is just the kids that I need to consider, though they don't seem heartbroken that he is not here. It has been really horrible the last few years.
thanks for listening.
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