need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
need advice
so, i have a temporary restraining order on my XA. The hearing is coming up. I do not have money for a lawyer but have received legal aid advice on how to prepare. I am not really sure if I want to move forward with a permanent restraining order. I got the temp so that I could get XA out of the house after he was violent towards me.
I will not go back to him and our way of life. The only thing is we have a 2 year old and I don't want to have a permanent restraining order get in the way of being able to be good parents to him (if he can get clean). His brother talked to me last night and said that XA's mom was going to put down 5k on an attorney today if we couldn't work 'something out'. I don't have $$ for an attorney, and I don't really want some huge custody battle. I am just confused.
My XA has broken the restraining order several times. I haven't responded until last night after the telephone conversation and I felt sad for my baby who had a high fever and was saying he wanted his daddy, so I sent XA a text saying son wanted to talk to his daddy and that he was sick.
I just really don't want to not be able to talk to him for five years, or three or whatever. Advice please.
I will not go back to him and our way of life. The only thing is we have a 2 year old and I don't want to have a permanent restraining order get in the way of being able to be good parents to him (if he can get clean). His brother talked to me last night and said that XA's mom was going to put down 5k on an attorney today if we couldn't work 'something out'. I don't have $$ for an attorney, and I don't really want some huge custody battle. I am just confused.
My XA has broken the restraining order several times. I haven't responded until last night after the telephone conversation and I felt sad for my baby who had a high fever and was saying he wanted his daddy, so I sent XA a text saying son wanted to talk to his daddy and that he was sick.
I just really don't want to not be able to talk to him for five years, or three or whatever. Advice please.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You are Chronsweet, right? And the reason you changed your screen name is to protect yourself from AX's mom, right?
The restraining order is to protect you and your son from an addict who got violent. He became violent with you. You are the mother of his child.
He is still active in his addiction and a long way from being a responsible parent.
I recommend you continue with the restraining order process. Use the time away from the addict to work on yourself and allow him the time and space to work on his own recovery.
After a solid period of recovery, then re-visit the idea of visitation.
Putting your needs and your son's needs first is a healthy decision. Your son needs one sane sober parent to act on his behalf.
Your AX (alcoholic X) and his family are putting their needs first. It is their option.
The restraining order is to protect you and your son from an addict who got violent. He became violent with you. You are the mother of his child.
He is still active in his addiction and a long way from being a responsible parent.
I recommend you continue with the restraining order process. Use the time away from the addict to work on yourself and allow him the time and space to work on his own recovery.
After a solid period of recovery, then re-visit the idea of visitation.
Putting your needs and your son's needs first is a healthy decision. Your son needs one sane sober parent to act on his behalf.
Your AX (alcoholic X) and his family are putting their needs first. It is their option.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Cant you rescind the restraining order after it is issued if he gets sober? IMHO I'd have to play it safe for myself and my child in this matter. What about supervised visitiation? Sounds like his mom is pulling a power play on yu throwing money around to try and intimidate you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
yes, my mom says the same thing about going forward with it. and yes, this is chronsweet. his mom does put her money behind enabling him. she blames me for the entire incident as if I caused it. I believe you can rescind an order.
To be honest, until talking to his brother last night, i felt really strong, and after the conversation, i felt just weak and sad.
I just don't know what happens if, he has a lawyer, and I don't. I know he will say that I have hit him before, and I did when we were in an argument and he was grabbing the wheel and flailing around while i was driving. I swung my arm and hit him in the nose and it started bleeding. I felt horrible and apologized profusely as I didn't mean to actually hit him in the nose. I was just trying to get him off the steering wheel. Anyhow, I guess my fear is that he will go in and say I am violent and get a restraining order on me, and then where will that leave my son?
He has seriously hit and pushed me many, many times. I know he will pretty much leave me alone now that we aren't together. In all the times we have broken up, it's not like he 'comes after me' to try to win me back.
I guess if i do go forward with the restraining order, I don't know how to address that time I accidentally hit him in the nose. Do I deny it, say i was just protecting myself while he grabbed at the wheel, etc etc etc. Also, would that affect my custody w/ my son. I am just so confused as to how to move forward.
To be honest, until talking to his brother last night, i felt really strong, and after the conversation, i felt just weak and sad.
I just don't know what happens if, he has a lawyer, and I don't. I know he will say that I have hit him before, and I did when we were in an argument and he was grabbing the wheel and flailing around while i was driving. I swung my arm and hit him in the nose and it started bleeding. I felt horrible and apologized profusely as I didn't mean to actually hit him in the nose. I was just trying to get him off the steering wheel. Anyhow, I guess my fear is that he will go in and say I am violent and get a restraining order on me, and then where will that leave my son?
He has seriously hit and pushed me many, many times. I know he will pretty much leave me alone now that we aren't together. In all the times we have broken up, it's not like he 'comes after me' to try to win me back.
I guess if i do go forward with the restraining order, I don't know how to address that time I accidentally hit him in the nose. Do I deny it, say i was just protecting myself while he grabbed at the wheel, etc etc etc. Also, would that affect my custody w/ my son. I am just so confused as to how to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Hmm.... so the A and his family are bullying you. Obviously having a restraining order would make it tougher for A during any later discussion about custody. Getting you to lift it would make them able to say to any judge: see? she didn't even bother to try getting a restraining order because she knew that A isn't that bad. By following through, you will be making it easier on yourself during any future custody dispute.
Remember that restraining orders can be lifted if/when the situation changes.
Go have another chat with legal aid. They will help you figure out how to approach the legal angles. With regard to the steering wheel incident, I would say it exactly as you just did. That he was placing you all in danger by grabbing the steering wheel. Self-defence is always allowed.
Remember that restraining orders can be lifted if/when the situation changes.
Go have another chat with legal aid. They will help you figure out how to approach the legal angles. With regard to the steering wheel incident, I would say it exactly as you just did. That he was placing you all in danger by grabbing the steering wheel. Self-defence is always allowed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Pursue the restraining order. He is not clean now. If he gets clean, safer, and more sane in the future - you can re-address it then.
I understand that this is hard right now, and it is heartbreaking to hear a child cry for a parent that is not there but you are a grown up and he is not. You can pick the safe and healthy option even when it hurts. You can do the best thing for you and your son, despite the sadness, because you can see the big picture.
Keep your eye on the issue. Safety. Today. That is first. You can worry about 3 years from now later.
I'm also not 100% positive that the restraining order precludes visitation if he is not a threat to his son. Some people have visitation, or supervised visitation, even when there are restraining orders between the two parents. Not sure what would make sense in your situation. I regret not fighting the visitation order when my xah was active with his drinking.
Try not to let his mom scare you. You are a sober safe parent. He is not. You don't have much to worry about.
I understand that this is hard right now, and it is heartbreaking to hear a child cry for a parent that is not there but you are a grown up and he is not. You can pick the safe and healthy option even when it hurts. You can do the best thing for you and your son, despite the sadness, because you can see the big picture.
Keep your eye on the issue. Safety. Today. That is first. You can worry about 3 years from now later.
I'm also not 100% positive that the restraining order precludes visitation if he is not a threat to his son. Some people have visitation, or supervised visitation, even when there are restraining orders between the two parents. Not sure what would make sense in your situation. I regret not fighting the visitation order when my xah was active with his drinking.
Try not to let his mom scare you. You are a sober safe parent. He is not. You don't have much to worry about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
yes, i can see that. bro said that A hasn't even looked into any of the charges, restraining order, etc, his mommy is doing all the footwork for him ...
and she is a BIG bully. I think I will go forward with it, because I can see at this point that they might try to manipulate me some more. Also, I feel already the thought of lifting it is making me question my own resolve for trying and hoping that XA and I can work something out,
i swear this is such a dark period for me...truly, it is.
and she is a BIG bully. I think I will go forward with it, because I can see at this point that they might try to manipulate me some more. Also, I feel already the thought of lifting it is making me question my own resolve for trying and hoping that XA and I can work something out,
i swear this is such a dark period for me...truly, it is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Freein2012 
I guess if i do go forward with the restraining order, I don't know how to address that time I accidentally hit him in the nose. Do I deny it, say i was just protecting myself while he grabbed at the wheel, etc etc etc. Also, would that affect my custody w/ my son. I am just so confused as to how to move forward.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you just tell the truth if it is brought up. Tell the incident like it happened. You are taking steps to make a more peaceful and trouble free life now. Usually judges are pretty familiar with alcoholic families - they see them frequently.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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also, how is it going to look if i texted the XA last night about my son being sick and wanting to say hi to him? I have done good at not responding to him at all but after that convo w/ his brother last night, i had a momentary lapse of weakness BLAH
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Free, what if next time he decides to choke you, he actually succeeds in killing you? Then who will be there for DS?
Have you spoken to the local domestic violence shelter? Because in my state, there is a domestic violence organization that receives funds from the state to provide legal representation at the restraining order hearing. Please look into it.
Have you spoken to the local domestic violence shelter? Because in my state, there is a domestic violence organization that receives funds from the state to provide legal representation at the restraining order hearing. Please look into it.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Freein2012
also, how is it going to look if i texted the XA last night about my son being sick and wanting to say hi to him? I have done good at not responding to him at all but after that convo w/ his brother last night, i had a momentary lapse of weakness BLAH
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Have you spoken to the local domestic violence shelter? Because in my state, there is a domestic violence organization that receives funds from the state to provide legal representation at the restraining order hearing. Please look into it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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here, they don't provide a lawyer to go into court with you, only an advocate who says nothing, is just there for support. I had a meeting with a lawyer who gave me advice on how to present my case, that's it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by Freein2012
here, they don't provide a lawyer to go into court with you, only an advocate who says nothing, is just there for support. I had a meeting with a lawyer who gave me advice on how to present my case, that's it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Stick to the facts of the matter.
To react or act on emotion is not going to remedy the situation. Your baby is two, and while it is disheartening to hear a child crying for a parent, you have to remain focused and not get caught up in a two year olds emotions. The child has YOU. You are there to love, comfort, and address all the baby's needs.
When he violates the restraining order you need to report it. You need documentation when you get to court. Judges are not fond of those who violate court orders.
Stay in your today, tomorrow will take care of itself. You cannot predict the future for your AH, if he gets sober and responsible that's a bonus, but I wouldn't be willing to terminate the RO. That is in place for your safety and protection.
Another thing, are you certain the MIL is putting up that much money for an attorney, or is this another bully/scare tactic?
Hang in there.
To react or act on emotion is not going to remedy the situation. Your baby is two, and while it is disheartening to hear a child crying for a parent, you have to remain focused and not get caught up in a two year olds emotions. The child has YOU. You are there to love, comfort, and address all the baby's needs.
When he violates the restraining order you need to report it. You need documentation when you get to court. Judges are not fond of those who violate court orders.
Stay in your today, tomorrow will take care of itself. You cannot predict the future for your AH, if he gets sober and responsible that's a bonus, but I wouldn't be willing to terminate the RO. That is in place for your safety and protection.
Another thing, are you certain the MIL is putting up that much money for an attorney, or is this another bully/scare tactic?
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
Keep the retraing order. I've only had mine for about a week and it's a godsend. My restraining order says my x can't have any contact with me. It also says that she can't have any third parties contact me. The third party thing is extra good as it's keeping her friends away from me too. If your state offers something like that, it would probably get your MIL out of your hair if she keeps contacting you about the divorce/visitation.
Next time he violates the restraining order, call the police. It's worthless in my opinion if it's not enforced.
Next time he violates the restraining order, call the police. It's worthless in my opinion if it's not enforced.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Freein2012, First i want to ask a question. Why do you want A to be in your childs life? I have never understood that. I want nothing more then for mine "to go away". I think my son is NOT better off having him in his life. He treated us like S#$#t. What is my son going to learn from that.
BUT, legally they gave us some sperm and are considered a father by law.
My separation agreement states that i have sole custody. That he can visit on a mutually agreed upon schedule. That my son can not spend an extended period of time with his dad. He has to have his sponsor be in contact with me for at least 6 months before he can take him anywhere.
Keep the a away from you. Violence is never acceptable and also not safe. My son is 3yo and this is OUR chance to really break the cycle. That is so important to me!
Stay strong! Your son deserves so much better, and so do you. Happy mom, happy baby!
BUT, legally they gave us some sperm and are considered a father by law.
My separation agreement states that i have sole custody. That he can visit on a mutually agreed upon schedule. That my son can not spend an extended period of time with his dad. He has to have his sponsor be in contact with me for at least 6 months before he can take him anywhere.
Keep the a away from you. Violence is never acceptable and also not safe. My son is 3yo and this is OUR chance to really break the cycle. That is so important to me!
Stay strong! Your son deserves so much better, and so do you. Happy mom, happy baby!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
i just re read all the posts and get a feeling that if you just "act" like you are doing fine, don't care what they say, have it all under control they will either be a little scared or just back off.
All of you are in this cycle... and someone needs to jump off so it does not function anymore.
And that acting will make you stronger and stronger. until you yourself believe it! You will see that your actions have an effect. Even if it's that they don't contact you anymore. I know the loneliness can be hard, but it beats the alternative.
All of you are in this cycle... and someone needs to jump off so it does not function anymore.
And that acting will make you stronger and stronger. until you yourself believe it! You will see that your actions have an effect. Even if it's that they don't contact you anymore. I know the loneliness can be hard, but it beats the alternative.
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