CentralOhioDad

Sometimes, what really irks me is the fact that our friends and others have no clue that she drinks as much as she does, and some of the 'episodes' that she been through. All I hear is, "She's so wonderful, a loving Wife, an awesome Mother. You guys have everything!" etc., etc.

They don't see the dark side, and sometimes I want to say, "Oh really, you think so? And when did you see her hallucinating after not eating all day and then downing almost a bottle of wine?"

Yes, for the most part, she's a good Mother and a good Wife. But it irks me sometimes when I get told how absolutely lucky I am and how much better my life is with her in it.

Same thing with her Mother - when she comes to visit she puts on a wonderful facade, and again I'm told again how lucky I am to be part of such a wonderful family.

BlueSkies1

I went through this. Exah preferred to drink at home, alone most of the time. Only a few times did people he worked with see him drunk, and that was when we had big parties. Most of the time at social gatherings he would be the one who drove, and he let me drink.
I think a few people thought I drank too much and he was the one in control of his drinking!
I did get rather intoxicated a few times. Having parties with him stressed me out. It was like it was time for us to put on our happy married couple faces. That alone was all it took for me.
Eventually I hated having parties for this reason.

My ex had all his financial ducks in a row and could be a very compassionate, intelligent, and appeared well-balanced at many events, drinking or not.
Then the beast would come out when we were home alone. Sometimes I woke up and went to get a cup of coffee and he was already drunk. This happened often on weekends.
It's very strange to be waking up to a new day and find your partner already drunk when you haven't even processed a cup of coffee yet.
The first few times I found him drunk all by himself I wondered what in the hell had happened. I thought maybe he had just received some devastating news like a death in the family or something. Oh, naive me!
So what do you do? Do you tell the dirt on her so that people stop saying how lucky you are?
With a few close friends and relatives I did exactly that. However, these well meaning friends and family not being educated in alcoholism, judged, mettled, and spread gossip, so that kind of backfired.
Choose your confidents to share the truth with well, is all I can say to that. A trustworthy confident or two is a wonderful thing for you though, to vent, to discuss, to ponder what to do next, to keep your own thoughts reasonable and in check, and to seek balance with a sober person's thinking, to bounce ideas off of.

Thumper

You know your own truths. You honor yourself.

It is OK to begin to open up to people that you are close with and that are safe. You might be surprised at some of the support you receive - and you might also be surprised at the people that are not fooled. If you do not have people in your life that fit the bill and can be supportive to you find an al-anon meeting. I did attend a few meetings and while I didn't keep up with it for various reasons the sense of belonging and being with people that really understood was very very helpful. It was such a relief. It is hard to describe.

Tuffgirl

LOL! I haven't heard word one from the stbx in-laws, but I imagine they think I am crazy for divorcing the prodigal son. Especially since I was told how proud everyone is that he is "defeating" alcoholism. *SIGH*

I figured it is because of the horrible stigma attached to addictions....even those who know can't fathom how bad it can be if they've not walked a mile in our moccasins.

m1k3

I don't see how "Oh really, you think so? And when did you see her hallucinating after not eating all day and then downing almost a bottle of wine?" = "Yes, for the most part, she's a good Mother and a good Wife."

I went through this as well. Looking past the faults to only see the parts I wanted to see. It was denial and magical thinking on my part.

As a part of my healing process I had to look at reality as it was and not how I wanted it to be. That included me as well as her. It turned out that it was an unhealthy relationship between two sick people both living deeply in denial.

When I was honest I realized that she was not a mostly good person who drank to0 much and took too many pills way too often. Her actions were what she really was. An alcoholic and pill addict and whether I wanted to admit it or not it was killing me.

So, in an act of self preservation and it turns out sanity I began to work on myself, to go to Al-Anon and to read and post here.

I don't know where she is in her head but I know that I am finally in a place where I want to be. I have found sanity and serenity and I will never willingly give them up again.

Your friend,

OhBoy

I've found that people who don't understand the disease just do not get it. They cannot see that it is or how it is a problem. I think until you actually live with it, you just don't know that is SO much more than drinking too much. Before I found Alanon, I would try to talk to my friends & they would say, "well, we all have our things". If it were "just a thing" then I wouldn't have to question my sanity daily!

The disease is also great at masking itself when it needs to but I don't think it can hide long term, so those living with the alcoholic are subject to all its horribleness & visitors get the good person. Real fair, huh? The only thing I can do is try to make myself better, let it go. Try to detach from the situation should I need to.

But ya, it is so frustrating when the world can't see what is really happening. How do you convince the whole world they're not seeing the problem? Uuuggghh!

grizz

I could have written this post almost word for word. The vast majority of people see my AW as a compassionate, loving caring wife and mother. An artist that is finally able to follow her dream after staying home with the kids all those years. She flew in Monday, was passed out on the couch by 7:30. Last night sat on the couch with her 2nd bottle of wine looking at her facebook.

ZiggyB

Yeah, my A's friends all thought he was pretty wonderful but of course had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. A few times I expressed my concern to them that he would drink too much and then be in a bad mood while hungover and verbally abuse me. They kept right on enabling him anyway. Such charming people, aren't they?

Florence

Our friends and family had NO CLUE what was going on. When I started talking about it, the support was overwhelming (well, from friends). A lot of people may not have totally "gotten" what I was talking about, but they offered no-strings-attached support to me.

From family... well... My mom gave me a guilt trip about how badly I would mess up our kids if I divorced him (of course, it's my fault for not holding it together!), and his parents are so in denial that even though they've put him through rehab like six times, they still don't think my RAH is "that bad" (how bad do you have to be before they'll acknowledge he has a problem?).

Some of this is prodigal son stuff. I don't get a shred of recognition for being responsible or holding the family together, not to mention any of my real achievements, but they pat him on the back for marginal successes. I'm learning that I'm actually okay without the parents' validation on either side of the family since their input is so jacked up anyway. I'm feeling quite confident in my own decisions for the first time in my life, and I don't ask their permission to feel or think, and I don't ask them to validate how I feel and think either. Freedom, baby.

SoloMio

If you wait long enough it will all reveal itself. AH has always been the ultimate fun guy that everyone wanted to be around. We have a vacation place we go to in the summer and everyone--all my kids' friends wanted to come, and we always had people sleeping everywhere, having a great time, yada yada.

Well I asked DS if one of his close friends was coming this year, and he informed me that his friend came right out and said that he wasn't comfortable with the amount of alcohol that was consumed and he wouldn't be coming this year. This is from a guy who brews his own, and he's not averse to a good time. My other DS almost lost his girlfriend because she was so put off by the fact that a) AH went around at 9am offering people beer and b) when I asked the group to keep down the noise for the sake of the neighbors no one stood up for me.

So, just be true to yourself and know that you don't know exactly what others are thinking. And who cares anyway? They're not standing in your shoes.

GettingBy

Yeah... I got the same BS from people and it was really quite annoying. Until I realized that I had a played a SIGNIFICANT part in keeping up those appearances!! In fact, I even wrote a post last summer complaining about my ex keeping up the facade... only to have long-timers here call me out on being a part of the charade!!

Oye.

Denial and secrecy are the two things that alcoholism THRIVES on!!!

The sooner you get honest with YOURSELF... the easier it will be to get honest with everyone else.

marliese22

In the last few years people that used to be good friends have confided in me that the amount of alcohol that was present at my house was the reason we had lost these friendships. We all had small children and the parents decided they did not want their children exposed to this. My AH had me believing for years that it was my fault I was not friendly enough did not want to party. New friends are made because the AH is such a good time guy but that eventually wears off and they are gone. My AH now has a few friends and no contact with his family. It is truly a sad situation and part of what kept me with him so long. But now it is time to take care of me.We think that people on the outside do not see because we are so busy trying to keep it together. Hope this makes sense . Had bad day AH texting me during work but thats another story

Alucard

This is sooo true, my ex drunk was an expert at initially hiding what it is, to my friends and family, and potential employers...but the facade doesnt last long. She hid it pretty good for roughly 3 weeks or so. But I, who saw it first, and denied it the most, was not fooled, and other people close to me werent fooled, nor in denial. The employers werent fooled either, as soon as they checked it's background.

akalacha

I remember the first time I gave up the ¨secret¨. We were supposed to meet friends at their house for lunch and an afternoon of playing music. My A was drunk at 10 am and there was no way we could make it. This had happened before and I'd always called saying A was not feeling well and we wouldn't be there. I was so angry that time that I finally told the truth. Turns out it was no surprise to them. Apparently many of our friends and acquaintances were aware that he had a drinking problem without me saying a word about it. It's true not everyone understands- I got ¨advice¨ from some people telling me what a good man he is and how I just needed to love and support him more. Then from other people I heard stories of their own troubles living with alcoholics or drug addicts. The bottom line for me was that it was such a load off my shoulders to no longer lie and make excuses and try to keep up appearances. And the bonus was that I found some unexpected understanding and support.

Thelma

Except for a few close friends who live out of state and my family, no one knows what I go through with my AH. He tells his story to whoever will listen (mostly his drinking buddies) of how he works so hard and I'm so terrible.

People I thought were friends of both of us that I've known for years have never picked up a phone to see if I needed someone to talk to or offered advise. They all take him at his word.
I used to want to scream from the roof tops...."UNTIL YOU'VE WALKED A MILE IN MY SHOES WITH THAT MAN....yada yada yada" But realy what good will it do? Until they live it they won't ever get it.

And in the end it's led me here to Sober Recovery where I can talk, vent, ask and give advise and have the support I need from people in the now and in the know.

owathu

This is so true. My AH is this wonderful, happy, hardworking person to the rest of the world and his family. But to me, he barely tolerates me and never ever comes through with even the smallest most menial task or promise.

This board is my life-saver right now. As I know I am not alone. I will be going to al-anon starting next week, because I never ever want to be involved with an alcoholic again.

lillamy

When I left AXH, most people were in shock. Because, you know, we were the perfect couple that had everything. The Perfect Family. Mr. Perfect had a fancy schmanzy job and wore a well-pressed suit to work. Mrs. Perfect was quiet and serene (HAHAHAHAHA) and the Perfect children were all straight-A students. The Perfect surface.

My friends knew better. They had heard him scream at the top of his lungs at our small children. They had walked in the house on a Sunday morning and smelled the stale booze smell. They had come by to drop something off on a weekday evening and found him incoherent and stumbling around in undershirt and boxers.

I think what this whole thing has taught me is to not take other people's Perfect Surfaces as holy writ. To keep in mind that people may have much bigger things to deal with that I know. And to be a person others feel they can take the mask off with. A safe person who's been there and doesn't judge. But doesn't coddle either.

Florence

Yes, this. I used to spend a lot of time comparing my perceived failures to other people's public selves. I remind myself that people generally spend a lot of time, effort, money, and energy into projecting a public image. We all have public and private faces, and that is a-okay, but perfection really, truly does NOT exist. Dig a little and you will see family embarrassments, dysfunction, anger, insecurity, low self-esteem, whatever. People are a lot alike in this way, even if the particulars don't match.

I'm not celebrating anyone else's failures by any means. But I do know for example that some of my acquaintances think I'm a very accomplished, well-polished professional, and meanwhile I still see myself as the sad, confused kid who grew up and married an alcoholic. People think we are a happy couple because we are able to be friendly and funny with one another -- but that's just because I'm not broadcasting my broken heart, or the fact that we don't have sex, and that we're always a paycheck away from bankruptcy. Sure, the tattoos are covered, and I'm not scared and sad anymore (thanks in part to this community), but I have so many skeletons in the closet that I don't even bother to close the door anymore. If I seem serene, it's because of how I FEEL, not what I have or what I look like. But nobody is perfect. Nothing is quite as it seems.