CentralOhioDad

My first post in a while. So, she finally gets to the family doc last week for a checkup, tells him (finally) about her alkie Mother and abusive ex, says she might have PTSD issues. Says drinking her her way of "coping" and "dealing with things". They agree she should go and talk to someone (doubt that will happen).

Well, she seemed a bit relieved after telling him that stuff, and I thought she 'might' back off the vodka a bit. I amuse myself sometimes! This past week she killed off a 1.75L bottle in SIX days, a new record for her. She hit it pretty hard (well, in my opinion, but not compared to what most of you guys put up with) this weekend, and had a hard time getting up Sunday and Monday. Her breath still smelled of booze when she went to work Saturday morning.

When she came home with another bottle last night, I said, "You killed off that other one ALREADY?" All I got was, "Oh, back off.".

Still keeping my log.

Pelican

Ugh!

Sorry to hear the cycle continues.

You felt relief that she shared with her doctor, right? Were you present when she shared her truth with the doctor? Because her actions aren't matching the words of someone that shared that type of information with a doctor.

CentralOhioDad

I was not present during her office visit, I can only relay what was told to me. I was hoping that by him saying "you need to talk to someone" (which it what I've been saying for some time now) that she would 'get it' and realize that she can get help, and maybe help herself in the meantime.

When she told me that she had admitted to him that she "might drink a little much", that she just might want to do something about it..

Silly me.

Pelican

No, not silly you, more like silly *us*. We want to believe, don't we?!

I imagine the conversation went more along the lines of establishing herself as "terminally unique":
I had a terrible upbringing,
I had a terrible long term relationship
I have a terrible __________

and I am willing to bet cash that she didn't mention her own drinking as a means of coping.

Hypatia

Back in May, my husband was using insomnia as his primary excuse to drink. I finally convinced him to go to his doctor and talk about his use of alcohol to self-medicate. My husband did go, because I saw the prescription he got for sleeping pills.

He didn't stop the drinking, and the pills are still sitting here.

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between real progress and appeasement. I'm sure my husband only went in order to shut me up since I admit I had started to nag him to go see his doctor.

The "progress", however, might have been that the doctor became aware of his abuse of alcohol, and that my husband had finally spoken with someone about it. It was a tiny crack in the wall of denial. Or else I'm fantasizing, which is also a possibility. <sigh>

Last Friday, my husband just handed over all the paperwork for inpatient rehab. We don't have any start date yet, but he is determined to go and complete the treatment. He's agreed to a minimum of 2 months, with the possibility of it being extended to 4 months. And yet he is still drinking every single day and says he won't stop until he walks through the rehab center's doors and officially starts the program.

If I was measuring his progress only in terms of his drinking, then I would be convinced that there had been absolutely no progress made. And yet he has opened up to his family physician, started going regularly to group therapy, had two individual counselling sessions, agreed to rehab and even filled out the forms himself and handed them in.

So, either there hasn't been any progress, or else you need to find another way to measure it. Lately I'm using a microscope.

GettingBy

What exactly are you keeping a log of?

If it's of your wife's drinking and all of the associated activities... that's a HUGE waste of your precious life.

She's going to do what she's going to do... monitoring it isn't doing you a damn bit of good.

Get the focus on you and what you want for your life... and that will lead you to happiness.

Hypatia

Dammit... I just read over what I wrote:

I should only be worried about my own progress, and leave AH's progress to him. Why do I keep falling into this codependency trap?

But I'm learning and will get the hang of it eventually. The fact that I spotted my wrong thinking so fast is already an indication that I'm getting better at it.

m1k3

Wow, that really jumped out at me.

What I have learned in recovery is that there is no "WE". There is only me, myself and I.

I can manage my recovery, I can get better, I have no control over my AW. She will drink or not, her choice. She will take pills or not, her choice. She will work a recovery or not, her choice.

Once I let go of trying to make her better I began to get better.

Your friend,

CentralOhioDad

I'm keeping a log of what she's doing, in the sad event I need to make a split and keep custody of our precious 2 year-old. As I've said all along, it's all about him and keeping him safe and keeping this ugly disease away from him as much as I can.

shawty80

centralohio, my xabf is a master of killing a 1.75L bottle of straight rum in TWO days. pretty wild, isn't it? i just cannot even imagine that...

i went to one doctor's appointment with him, and was actually surprised at how honest he was about the amount he was drinking. i like to think that, because he had been given a prescription for campral (which is supposed to help alcoholics maintain abstinence) months prior to the appointment i sat in on, he was ALWAYS that honest with his doctor, but the only ones that know for sure are my xabf and the man with the prescription pad! interestingly enough, when i found the campral bottle it was almost completely full, although the prescription was close to a year old, and my xabf was definitely NOT maintaining abstinence. he admitted himself to in-patient detox in april of 2011, and was given ANOTHER prescription for campral, but never filled it because of the cost. he makes upwards of $70,000 a year, so i'm pretty sure he could handle the expense, especially since he was spending several hundred dollars a week at the bar and on bottles for home. quite simply, he just wasn't (and isn't) ready to quit.

i fear it will get worse before it gets better, and you will make yourself crazy taking note of how much she is drinking. it's hard to NOT notice, but i found it was always better for me to bite my tongue and not draw attention to it. keep working your side of the street!

p.s. i lived in fairborn/beavercreek for a couple of years!

dandylion

OhioDad, I have always heard that keeping such a record in your particular circumstances is very wise.

In child custody, being able to demonstrate in court where the other parent is truly unsafe to care for the child is extremely important.

My sister, who is a manager for a large law firm is always saying: "He with the most papers wins"

dandylion

Alucard

It seems to me what he wants in his life is a sober signifigant other. IMO if she wont quit, he needs to see an attorney, and then after all is said and done, find one.

NYCDoglvr

Unfortunately that's not how alcoholism works. It's an obsession to drink large quantities of booze despite catastrophic consequences and there's nothing anyone can say or do to affect another person's drinking. It's also a progressive disease. Alcoholics can decide to drink or not drink and only stop when they are admit they have a problem and are seriously committed to stopping.

You do have power over yourself and your child and it's a good idea to keep a log. I recommend Al-anon, a program that helps friends and spouses of alcoholics detach and get their own lives. The "three C's": I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. The best of luck ...

Cyranoak

because, IMHO, it's time to split and keep custody of your precious 2 year-old.

Good God Man! Think! And read your own dang posts. She is not getting better, she's getting worse, and you are still believing her.

Lastly, are you going to Alanon regularly? If not, then the person you have to blame the most is you, NOT her.

Cyranoak

Learn2Live

All of the above are simply excuses and scapegoating. I doubt anything she said to the dr. will amount to anything.

You're looking for normalcy here and you are fooling yourself to believe your own interpretation of an alcoholic's thinking and/or feeling. This will get you into trouble. Practice not believing your own mind-reading.

ZiggyB

Yikes. I have no idea how much my ex was drinking, he would often hide it from me and I know there were lots of times when he would drink alone in secret. Once I went to visit him and was shocked at the empty liquor bottles, the dude could really put it away. When he was working, he would drink at lunch and then often times go out for drinks before I would see him.

I got the same stories sometimes, he was coping with the stress of work, then he was coping with the stress of getting laid off from work. Any excuse to drink was a good one.

The bottom line is that any NORMAL person should know that turning to alcohol to cope with life does not help anything and usually makes you more depressed.

I am so sorry you are going through this...

shawty80

and more anxious! my xabf was in a vicious cycle of self-medicating his panic attacks when he admitted himself for in-patient detox. the psychologist who spoke with him first, who happened to be a recovering alcoholic, told him quite frankly that all that rum he was ingesting was exacerbating both his depression and his anxiety. his panic attacks all but ended during his four months of sobriety, but are raging once more now that he is drinking again.