Feeling like the scapegoat once again
 

Hi folks, it's been a while since I was here. Moved to a new house, became the mother of a teenager, and have been working to start my own business. Phew!

It's been 3.5 months since I asked AXBF to move out because of his drinking, and we've had very little contact since then, because I didn't want to talk to him. In the past week or so, we had some friendly email exchanges in which he said he's been sober for over two months, that he's been focused on staying sober and repairing the damage he did to his loved ones, and apologized for how he treated me when drinking. However, he is not in AA or any other recovery program.

I agreed after 3.5 months to talk to him on the phone, as friends, last Saturday. Of course, Saturday comes and goes and no call from him. He emails me Sunday and says he went on a two-day bender after two months of being dry. Because his job is awful and the stress is unbearable. And....because he was so nervous about talking to me, but added that "of course, it is not your fault that I drank."

We very briefly talked last night and I could tell that he is in the desperate emotional state of someone coming off a bender. I had nothing to say except "I think you should go to AA" while he just ranted about how stressful his job is, how he can't stand living with his brother anymore, etc. Didn't even ask me how I was, how my day was, etc. Of course.

I emailed after our talk and said that I hope he goes to AA but I can't deal with his stress at this point and that we can't be in contact.

So I feel okay. Except...the fact that his bender after two months of not drinking coincided with talking with me really upsets me. I feel that, despite what he said, he is essentially telling me that I caused him to relapse. We haven't been together in 3.5 months and have had almost no contact in that time. So how could the thought of making a simple, friendly phone call to me cause him to relapse?!

I don't buy it. But I do feel that icky, shamed feeling once again of being blamed for causing him stress and driving him to drink, just like when we were together. I need words of comfort, peeps. I need to shake this feeling.

A while back, my husband was ranting that I was to blame for his drinking, that I was forcing him. Interestingly it came just after he'd announced that he'll do whatever he wants and I can't make him do anything.

Can't have it both ways.

So I calmly asked him if he'd like a cup of tea. He looked at me like I was crazy, but said "no". I then asked him if I could make a cup of tea, force open his mouth, pour it down his throat and make him swallow it. He said "of course not!"

Well, I'm not buying vodka, forcing open his mouth, pouring it down his throat and making him swallow the alcohol, either.

So now whenever my husband tries to blame me for his drinking, I offer him a cup of tea. ;)

And if I start feeling in any way responsible, I make myself a cup of tea and consider how I might be able to force him to drink it while sipping it myself.

whether he is or is not trying to blame you is sort of irrelevant isn't it? YOU know that it isn't true.

I can't see that you get much out of any friendship with him, it's still all about him isn't it? way to go on deciding on more no contact. I'm willing to bet lots of money that there are lots of people in the world who would be able to have a much more reciprocal friendship with you. You're worth at least that much, and he may never be able to get to that point, how much time do you have to waste?

This came down to an original wound for me. From childhood.
For years I thought I was a victim of scapegoating.
After years of therapy, I recovered the memory that my mom blamed me for my fathers death when I was only 13 years old.
I never thought much about it, consciously, but it was an underlying driving force in my life.
This kind of trauma can happen from something much less extreme, too.
It leaves you with a plug into the role of scapegoat, and you would keep playing things out in life to try to "resolve" the issue.

This is what I had going on. I was desperate to not be blamed for things, to the point of avoidance behavior.
With my ex AH, it manifested in staying through years of heck...Because he pushed those blame buttons so well.

This is a link to getting into the self stuff. Its a worksheet for releasing yourself from blame.
I had to/have to do it a few times a year, but it really is helpful.
You can print it and do it, its free online.


http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/pdf/SFSAWritable.pdf

He is blame-shifting.

You didn't cause him to drink anymore than his boss caused him to drink or his brother caused him to drink. Quack, quack, quack!

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You will not Cure it

Good on you for recognizing the *ism's* of his alcoholism are still present and you need to maintain No Contact!

BEEE ESSSS!!!! I don't believe the guy was sober for two months at all. He was just trying to manipulate a way back into your life, and he was successful. Glad you told him it wasn't working for you and went no contact. This guy hasn't changed one iota. Let him go and make a nice life for yourself and your family.

There are plenty of excuses but no reasons for drinking. Active alcoholics typically blame other people or situations for their drinking. You are not to blame, it is his decision to pick up a bottle. I'm a recovering alcoholic and trust me, during the past 20 years of sobriety there have been plenty of objectionable people and stressful situations I didn't drink over. I learned how to deal with life on life's terms in AA. There's nothing you can say or do that will stop his drinking, we're powerless over other people and their diseases. But we are responsible for ourselves and creating the quality of life we live.

:thanks

Yep
YEP
YEP