Txtycoon43

Hi everyone,
I'm a newbie to Al-Anon and the alcoholism phenomenon! It's amazing, now that it's affected our lives how nieve I was to her disease and it's affect on our family. I was controlling, enabling, all of the above and probably her #1 trigger.. She got a DWI with our daughter on May 27th and has been in rehab for about 30 days.

She comes home on Saturday. She has been in a location six hours away by her mom's house. Her sister visited her yesterday and told me today that she feels my wife is still not ready to come home (her opinion). I'm trying to do what I learned in Al Anon and just encourage my wife, pray that she finds the help she needs to stay sober and pray for her success. It's going to be very hard to watch if she hasn't hit bottom yet.. With all of the probation and CPS requuirements she has to maintain, even if she slips a little she's gone to jail.

She blew over 4 times the limit so the prosecutor was very harsh as he should have been..

I just don't know if I'll be strong enough to set boundries for me and my daughter, I'm going to try with all my might to "detach with love"... Does anyone have any guidance for this new, scared Al-Anon husband?

Thanks

Learn2Live

So glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon! Keep going back! Do you have Courage to Change? Have you read Under The Influence? That's a very helpful book. Be sure to make time for you. Schedule 15 minutes of silence every day. Take good care of yourself. Pay attention to your needs.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the situation that brought you here. You are among peers who understand what your life has become.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.

What to do?
I followed the steps in one of our sticky posts. Sticky posts are older, permanent posts that are located at the top of the main page for this section of the SR forums.

Here is a link to my favorite sticky post with the steps that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

ShootingStar1

It might help to focus on your daughter's needs over your wife's needs. You are a parent, and the instinct and need to protect your child is a strong one and it might direct you toward better choices when you waver.

What people having been saying here is that only an alcoholic can make the choice for themselves to stop drinking. So, anything you do that shelters her from the consequences of drinking again is hurting her recovery, not helping it. The trick is to figure out what YOUR boundaries, not what hers are. You only get to enforce yours (and those for your daughter).

That's hard for me with my AH. I left him 4 weeks ago, and it was the right thing for me to do, but he keeps doing things to try to re-engage with me in an unhealthy way. I am understanding some of it when he does it, and flailing around reacting to some of it until the kind, wise people on this board point that out to me.

Post often, we're all here for you.

BothSidesNow

LostHusband

I hear you man! My wife is coming home in about week or so for 5 day detox plus 30 day rehab.

I've been looking for the same advice. My story isn't quite as bad as your, not tradgity, arrestes or DWI's. Going to detox and following their advise of 30 day rehab was her choice.

I to have been going to Al-Anon, albeit one meeting, my next is this Wednesday, which I plan to go.

I know I'm new, but I'm struggling with the detach part and not doing anything with her recovery.

I think I put it best in another post. "I don't want to enable her drinking, but enable her recovery"

If you find the answers let me know, you're not alone.

Today I'm grateful for having a nice conversation with my wife and my new LED TV came

Buffalo66

I had a lot of fear and anxiety about my exRAH coming home from rehab, also.
It's a fair feeling to have. So much uncertainty

My advice is to get VERY clear about your boundaries. Make a list. One for you, one for you/kids.
If she HAD to go due to a (very dangerous) mishap, she may not have been able to reap much benefit from it. In other words, addicts need to choose to go for help.
Thats not a maxim across the board, but, boudaries are my best advice.

I had clear boundaries, had written them in a letter. I read him the letter at the last visit before he came home.
One by one, the boundaries were altered, and crossed.
All I can say, from my experience, is make the clear boundaries and stick to them, and even know what your plan is if they are not respected. If you make a boundary and she crosses it, and you do not follow through on the plan, she will just do it again.

My list was like this: One column Unacceptable Behavior.
Next column: Consequences of the Behavior.

One of my boundaries was about sharing responsibilities.
Another was about not going to old haunts/bars.
I bent on both. Things spiralled far out of control.

He wanted to be able to go to bars, see old friends.
He did it. It was on my list, but I did not follow through, and he saw this as a sign that my list meant nothing.

So, I remade the list, and I re established the rules of being involved with me and our son.
After a while, it became clear he was unable OR unwilling(doesnt matter...) to follow the basic rules of family living. I put him out, and then we tried again six months later.

Had to put him out again, because he was unable to take part. Sober. Still sober, still unable to take part.

My H acted like an entitled teenager ,he played on my sympathy, manipulated my desire to have an intact healthy family.
Before I knew it, it was all on his terms again.

he is still sober. We are separated. Sobriety is not a magic pill.
There are issues to deal with after, and they are for the adult addict to figure out, but you should definitely be clear on your boundaries for your emotional health and sanity and for the safety and sanity of your child/ren

Ellvk

I have been in your place, and it is very hard! One thought I have is to be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time and protect your daughter.

Know that you can be supportive without being in control of her choices. Taking care of yourself and your daughter is a full time job as it is.

There is no way to know or control whether her recovery will "stick". Recovery is A LOT of work, and some people don't want to or cannot do it. (my AH included).

Take care!
L

Txtycoon43

Thank you everyone. Based on all inputs I was put in contact with an organization that works for CPS. They are writing up a "plan" for us that will discuss boundries and the consequences.

I'm not going to make a long list as I feel that's controlling and off my program. I'm just telling her that if she drinks around us/in the it won't be tolerated and she has to leave.

Thanks again

SettingSunset

Boundaries -- I am the mom of a 41 year old ASon. He is in rehab (via jail); hence not by choice. He says this is bottom. Is it really? He will be going for his DUI 3 bench trial in two weeks. We live in another state, however, we have been involved and have been enabling. FIRST, I want to be sure not to enable any more. SECOND, I want to set boundaries. Prior to jail, he would call and talk for an hour straight about business, himself. He sounded fine on the phone. I explained to my husband that he needs to 'cut him off' if he knows he is drinking (which he probably is drinking if he is talking for an hour). It is hard to tell from this end of the phone some times. One time AS asked his dad to do something. I had explained to my H to simply say it wasn't possible, no excuses/reasons. My AS was a bit shocked, I think.

The reason for my post this morning is I am looking for ways to communicate boundaries (and what boundaries do I feel are boundaries) to my AS who lives in another state. I imagine if I give him boundaries, he may get on his high horse and not call or bring grandchildren here.

The reason we don't make boundareis, or haven't in the past is because we feel bad. We don't want to hurt him. I learned at a family meeting at rehab..."they are feelings, deal with them and get past them." AS will deal with them and get past them. I will need to deal with feeling bad about my feelings and get past them.

We have taken him from jail to rehab, will take him back to jail (due one day before court date). His wife is not involved. She is working and caring for two children.
I pray a lot. I hope for sobriety because he is a wonderful (SOBER) person. He will most likely divorce his wife. I get backlash from this, but wife is not a nice person (that is how she came to the marriage, malevolent). My mom was a wonderful person, married to an alcoholic. She always was wonderful and stayed wonderful even during the alcoholism. I can differentiate. EIL may have a drinking issue, also.

Buffalo66

Setting Sunset,

I would suggest copying and pasting your post into a new thread about boundaries.
You will likely get more traffic that way.

BlueSkies1

Must agree with anvilhead on the boundary setting for your daughter being in the car while your w is intoxicated. This one isn't optional. If she hurts your daughter in a car accident, you won't forgive her, you won't forgive yourself, and daughter may or may not be around to forgive anybody.
I'd tell her flat out--one drinking episode with D in the car and you will pull every legal option you have to save D's life.
Yeah, it's an ultimatum. If that kind of talk doesn't sober up her thinking, nothing will.
Tough love? You bet.

sesh

I agree with anvil. I know if I were in your shoes I wouldn't take her back, for awhile at least.
I believe that with our actions we "educate" alcoholics on what is acceptable and what is not.
My RAH has tried sobriety quite a few times over the years, every time I was there, trying my best to help him, to make it easier on him, util the last time when I wasn't there. He was left alone to try to sort his sh*t out. He is sober over a year now. Don't get me wrong I don't think he is sober because of me, I had nothing to do with it, but I also believe if I was there he'd think he has some place to maneuver left, and he'd be more likely to take few more leaps in that sick dance. Alsoholism is a tricky desease... Your wife needs to own her recovery, IMHO 30 days is not enough for her to be able to do that.
I wish you well

Cyranoak

...and go more than once a week. As somebody who shares your story that is my advice. That, and let her fully and completely experience the consequences of each and every decision she makes, sober or drunk.

OK, just one more. Remember you are her husband, NOT her father.

Take care my friend,

Cyranoak

Shadydeal

One of the VERY best books I ever read and wish I had ready long before....Getting Them Sober. Think volume 1. The title is misleading it tells you more about how to handle yourself whic ar more effective. I high recommend this easy short book.