Oh no, i did it!
 

i have had a terrible day. I tried all day long to keep it together and not have a "freak out" moment. Panic. I did good.
But tonight, i am having a really hard time. I want him back. I miss him. He is in recovery and seems to be doing good. I am happy for him.
I called him. He did not answer (i guess i should see that as a good sign). And i did not leave a message.
I think what is going on is that i try to keep myself busy and go do a lot of things with my son. We went swimming today and it just made me sad that we were not there as a family. I also seem to be surrounded by happy couples. I am happy for them, but it still makes me long for that too.
This is so confusing, because i know most likeley (SP?) him and i would never be that happy couple, but on the other hand i want us to be. Then i think of all the things he has done "bad", then all the good things and it just puts me on a roller coaster - and i hate those!
thanks for listening...

Oh do I know the roller coaster rides. I hate them also. I hated to go out and see happy couples. So happy you had a good day with your son

So he went somewhere to get sober.

Recovery is years away.

Hope you take this time to work on you. Stay in the now. Today belongs to you. And even on the crappiest of days, finding that one thing to be thankful for helps.

This horrible disease rips families apart, and I so know the hurt you are feeling.
Peace.

I really wish I had something brilliant to say that would make you feel better. That feeling of missing someone horribly is really tough. No easy answers, but I just wanted to say hang in there.

why in the world do we miss them if we KNOW that its never going to work. Why is there that small glimmer of hope?
Drives me nuts!

Well, you should be happy for him, if he is getting the help that he needs...

More than likely he needs to focus on himself and his own issues for a while. I miss my ex too, sadly he is still deeply in denial. It is hard missing someone, I know. Then I have heard other people say that once their addictive partner gets into recovery they end up changing so much, they don't even want to be in the same relationships with their former partners.

I'm sorry it's hurting. Have you thought about going to no contact? Might make things easier in the long run.

It's human nature to gravitate to what we know.

Part of the grieving process is feeling everyone of the emotions you are currently experiencing.

Time is on your side, be patient with yourself.
Sending you a big hug))))

`

Be strong Debo. Your wish for happily ever after is just a wish. Not based in reality. Based on what you want to have and want him to be. He cannot be who you want him to be. He can try to fake it but sooner or later the truth will come out. Sometimes in glimpses, sometimes right in our faces. You can do this.

well he just called me and said that he "does not feel it anymore". Talking about hurting. He said we needed a clean break. I guess his recovery is going well. He is now the person that he was when we were first together.
I am SO lost right now. We moved here for his work. I have all of my family overseas....

I'm so sorry...
I know this must hurt but deep down inside, you knew it wasn't working either. I was in the same place as you not long ago, feeling full of despair and sadness. It sucks that you have to go through it, but things do get better. How soon can you move?

i dont have to move. i am living in my mom's "investment" property (not so much right now). He moved out (did not come home from work) in october. He is about 30min away.

Your feelings are completely normal. I've been riding that roller coaster for weeks now. Every time I feel strong enough to get off, something sucks me back in. Time will, truly, heal your wounds, and you may find that, like me, you're not even sure if you would want him back as an RA after all the hurt you've been through. Stay strong.

it is odd, in some ways i feel much calmer. Maybe that is the truth i have been looking for? Who knows. The one thing that upsets me is that he said that he spoke to his sponser and his mom (hes not that close to her) and came to this conclusion of not wanting to be with me anymore. Would that not be a discussion for the two of us to have. How can these people make a decision over my and my son's life?
I think my ego is really bruised too. he said all kinds of things. and a lot of them are true. But they are nothing mayjor... Does he not see where he has put me? I was in a really really good place in my life when i met him first....

My ABF was in detox recently and i realized that when i was missing him, i was missing the healthy version of him, someone who he currently is not. That helped me a lot.

shutterbug. I totally understand that. That would make things easier for me. But he is really really healthy. And i am happy for him. I feel like i have been sitting waiting for him to "emerge". Now he did and he does not want me anymore. Kinda like i was good enough to get me through the tough times and now i am not what he wants anymore.

anvilhead, no, you have not missed a thing ;-) it was the other way around (but that hardly matters) he came here for some "action" the night before she came.
I guess i am not up on what is healthy. I personally think that he has used aa and his recovery like drinking. I understand it is about him and his recovery, but he seems to be unable to balance it. Its ALL JUST HIM. nothing else and nobody else matters.
The way he talks and what he sais make me thing that he is on his way to healthy. I know it has only been 5 months! He seems to have things "straight". Does not really talk non sense anymore. He said he has been pondering this for about a month and that not wanting our marriage anymore what his decision. Not sure why he talks this out with his sponsor, mom and others and i was never involved in the talk...

something just came to me. in our discussions or arguments since he has been in recovery he always sais all the "bad" things about me. Like that all the decisions with our son were always mine and that he had enough of that. Does not like that about me. But what he fails to see is that if we were in a healthy relationship i did not have to do that! I was a single parent with the occasional times that he played with him or read a story. I never wanted to be "miss full charge". I have not been since he became sober.

Debo,

I am going through the same feelings of sadness over the loss of what the happy family looked like for me and my son and my XA in my own mind. But that happy version existed in one place only, my head. I went for a walk around a lake we used to frequent together, the three of us, and it made me seriously sad.

I had been with XA for five long, LONG years. In those five years, he had never presented himself to me as I WANTED him, he was who he was. To be completely fair to him, he didn't want a girlfriend when I met him. He wasn't in a good financial situation, had just left his home state to get away from some major addictions and although he didn't share those thoughts with me as for the reason 'why he didn't want a girlfriend', I didn't accept them. I pushed him to accept me in his life and so rightfully so, I am as much to blame as him for the continued torture I subjected myself to.

What I am finding in this break-up is that I don't miss him and his disease of alcoholism AT ALL. Not one little. I don't miss the selfishness, the isolation, the loneliness, the mental/verbal/physical abuse, the actions associated with drunken-ness, attending all functions with a man who is out of it and stumbling through all, don't miss the feelings of being angry/mad/bitter/sad/confused/stressed/humiliated/tense almost all the time in his presence.

The only thing I miss about him is what I WANTED him to be but which he never ever proved to me to be or even said he wanted to be for me and his family. He treated me as if I had to remain with him only for the good of our son to have a mother/father in the same household, it was more of an obligation. I feel that my obligations are to my own happiness and my son's happiness at this point. I can NOT be the mom I want to be while living with someone who is an alcoholic.

Another thing I have started to realize is that he would never CHANGE within our relationship. The cycles have repeated themselves so many times and his compulsion to drink and be addicted to something is so strong and he knew I put up with it for so long that there was no other outcome available at this point in our lives. It was either split up and protect me and my child or stay in the same cycle of dysfunction. Maybe he will get sober, but it has to be on his terms, not mine. It has to be for the sake of his own life and hopefully that of our son's in the sense of becoming a responsible father.

I am NOT ready to move on into another relationship at this point in my life, but I do know I will not be alone forever. I have never had a hard time attracting men, but next time around I have to look for red flags and quality of a person's life achievements in terms of being healthy and successful instead of looking for someone I need to 'help'.

Debo, sometimes, although sad, it is just time to move on, expand horizons. Change is hard and when there are kids involved, it is scary not knowing the ultimate outcome. I do know that I will be a healthy, happy mom to my son no matter how much custody the XA is granted. I will try to limit the custody to the best of my ability until he is healthy, but I can't control that entirely either. I do know that if I stayed in that relationship, my own sanity and my own anger may have propelled me to do something stupid eventually that could have had a negative result for myself and my child. I am glad I made the choices I did, even though hard. Letting go of the doubt and sadness and guilt is hard after being manipulated and expected to 'take care' of another human being and to solve their problems for so, so long.