Freein2012

Debo,

He hasn't spent any time with my son yet. I have a restraining order out on him after strangling me. LOL. He has hit me before, strangled me before, always when drunk but this time something 'snapped' in me. Finally, self preservation kicked in. I could feel his hate while he sat there with his arm around my neck, cutting off my air.

What I am saying as far as the custody issue is this. I stayed with him after the birth of our son for 2.5 years because I thought he would change for our family. When I saw he was going to continue drinking, I stayed out of fear that he could possibly have DS2 without me there to protect DS2. I live in California and it is a 50/50 custody state. So, I stayed to 'protect' my son. I am not saying I am going to just give up custody to an alcoholic and not protect him BUT if the court orders unsupervised visitation after I have presented my side, there will be nothing I can do.

I can only provide the best home I can for my son, and I choose to live in happiness and not in fear. I will not live with an alcoholic in fear of giving up 'some custody' if he chooses to fight me on the issue.

That is what I am saying.

I actually want DS2 to have a relationship with his father and will promote supervised visits (if I can) until he sobers up. IF he sobers up, I have no problem allowing him to have more liberal visits as raising a child alone is hard.

Learn2Live

Debo, breaking up with this guy seems just as difficult and full of confusion and angst as trying to be in a relationship with him. And how on earth can you think that he is healthy? He's your HUSBAND and he just spent an entire week with another woman!! This is nothing even CLOSE to healthy. I think you are feeling bad about yourself because he told you he had this discussion about being married to you with people other than you. You don't even know if what he is saying is true! How honest and truthful of a guy has he been all the time you have known him? Have you made a list of all the reasons why you do not like living with him in the first place? You are backpedaling because you are talking to him. Stop talking to him.

Thumper

It is OK for him to talk to people. He'll never get out of the forest if he doesn't have a guide. Just like we come here and talk, and go to al-anon, and have counselors etc. Those are decisions that are made for his life. Sadly they also affect your life but please do not give away your power. You are in control of your outcomes - you just can't force others to comply to your wishes. I see it like I am at point A on the map and I want to get to point B on the map. There are people and situations that are out of my control so some routes will be blocked - but I can still get to point B, I just have to take a different path. Point B is a big thing, a state of mind really, not a specific scenario.


I doubt that. Appearances are not everything.

If he is healthy enough to be a good influence you will pray for him to spend time with your son. I prayed for the strength to keep my xah away from our kids when he was not a positive influence but now that he can be - I pray pray pray that he keeps it together and gets closer. I want that for my boys. To see a boy abandoned by his father is heartbreaking.

Please take a breath and give yourself some time. Do not trip into the future and make your today any more difficult then it already is. One day at a time. Consciously take steps to keep the focus on yourself. I can see that focus slipping in this thread. The time right after a break up is painful. You will not be in this extremely painful spot forever.

ETA: Big apologies as I sort of got you confused with someone else. This has been here long enough that I hesitate to delete it all or things won't make sense. My thoughts sort of stands but this is your husband so that puts a bit of a different spin on it. Take care and stay true to yourself. It might help to get a counselor. This is heavy stuff and a good one is worth their weight in gold even if you use them only short term.

debo5

I can not believe how good i feel! him telling me that he does not want me. Does not even like me, is done with me... i think it he has done be the biggest favor ever! I am feeling totally free and relieved! I feel good! It's me. Only me. I heard and felt what was said at the meeting tonight. The topic was "finding your own voice"!
There is still work to be done. there are still going to be hard moments (i have not seen him in almost 2 weeks. but he will show up one of these days for our son) that i will have to handle gracefully!
I want to thank all of you for your great great advice and also for just being here.
I have said so many times how i want to be myself again, be a good mom blahblah, and i really did want those things. But now i am actually doing them. I am no longer paralized by his promises and by the hope i had. It's all gone. It hurt so bad for him to tell me these things that i felt like throwing up. but instead i put on my big girl panties and realized that deep down i really did not want him. I wanted the idea(l) of a perfect and healthy family. Now i got it. We are a family, just a small one ;-) and that is just fine by me.

Learn2Live

Now you're my inpiration debo

debo5

Thank you!
I have slept SO GOOD for the first time in a looong time the last two nights!
i hope i can keep it together when we see each other. By that i mean to not totally lay it on him in anger. But be only gracefull!

Sanity2012

In the chaos, we miss the peace we think we had. I am beginning to wonder how good at make believe I am, and to try and see the only happy ever after is within myself. As hard as it is, (and I am trying to do it every day), write your own chapter. Honestly, the fear of the unknown can be just as scarey as the monster in the book (who can be our AH etc.)

Best of luck....we all walk beside you!

debo5

Sanity2012, what really helped me was to make a list of reasons why i wanted to be with him and one for why not.
I was planning on doing this while making dinner, so i started the lists in my head. You know what? I could not come up with ANY reason that i wanted to be with him. Well one, he makes a great grilled cheese :-)
You are totally worth more then the peace you thought you had. I think that was for me just familiarity. Familiar = peace.
you know i have a 3yo. About 3 weeks before my rah at the time ah left, he started to stutter SO bad. Then it got better for a while, worse for a while. The last month or 2 that i have been giving him an unstable home it has gotten extremley bad! I feel so guilty about that and it hurts me to see him stutter so bad that he can hardly say anything. It is up to ME and only me to make that go away. For the two of us to be healthy, happy, at peace and for him to feel safe are my main motivators.
Sorry for babbling....

fourmaggie

take this time for YOU

have you thought of AL ANON for you? this has effected you and all of us very badly...well, we walked through those doors sick also

you will be doing alot of grieving and there is many many steps to take...be patient with yourself...

take one year off...for YOU...

debo5

I have been going to al anon. I do lots of work on myself and my sourroundings. Al anon and sr have given me the strength to be on a strong path of recovery for myself!
There are of course moments where i loose focus, but it passes fast. I focus on what is important and that is MY LIFE. I used to love life. i am getting back to that. My a's grip on me is slowly slipping.