Moving On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Moving On
I have two internet dates this week and I have tried to make it clear that I do not wish to date someone who drinks a lot or is always hanging out in bars.
I don't know if these will turn into anything but I have set my intentions. No more people with active addictions and/or angry mood swings, I can't take anymore...
It feels good to at least focus my energies elsewhere and not on the disaster of the last relationship with the axbf.
wish me luck!
I don't know if these will turn into anything but I have set my intentions. No more people with active addictions and/or angry mood swings, I can't take anymore...
It feels good to at least focus my energies elsewhere and not on the disaster of the last relationship with the axbf.
wish me luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by ZiggyB 
I have two internet dates this week and I have tried to make it clear that I do not wish to date someone who drinks a lot or is always hanging out in bars.
I don't know if these will turn into anything but I have set my intentions. No more people with active addictions and/or angry mood swings, I can't take anymore...
It feels good to at least focus my energies elsewhere and not on the disaster of the last relationship with the axbf.
wish me luck!
I don't know if these will turn into anything but I have set my intentions. No more people with active addictions and/or angry mood swings, I can't take anymore...
It feels good to at least focus my energies elsewhere and not on the disaster of the last relationship with the axbf.
wish me luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Good luck.
I know your wounds from your axbf are still fresh. Have you considered taking a little time off of dating and spending a little time alone and healing.
I am slowly wandering back into the dating world, I moved out of exA's home over a year ago and completely cut ties a few months ago. I have learned alot about myself in the past few months, including that I don't need a "significant other" to complete me.
I know your wounds from your axbf are still fresh. Have you considered taking a little time off of dating and spending a little time alone and healing.
I am slowly wandering back into the dating world, I moved out of exA's home over a year ago and completely cut ties a few months ago. I have learned alot about myself in the past few months, including that I don't need a "significant other" to complete me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good luck Ziggy!
I consider myself a success story for online dating. I am in a committed relationship that is open, honest, and free of chemicals ~ and we met through an online dating site.
I say: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
I say that because I needed to know what I wanted before I began answering the messages. I was looking for companionship in the beginning. Therefore, I did not want a date with someone who was looking for marriage. I wanted someone who wanted to go out to an occassional dinner, a night at the theatre or a trip down the river in kayaks ~ and then I wanted to be left alone while I focused on family, school and career.
That eliminated a few dates right there.
Here is an example of how it can go wrong if we want different outcomes:
I went on a date with a man and he was well respected in our community. We talked on the phone a few times and met in public to chat a few times. My first red flag was that he wanted to talk to me everyday on the phone. Then we went out on a date. On our first date he talked about his plans for our future after we got married. What??? Then he kept asking me when we could see each other again, tomorrow? I joked with him that he must be harder to get rid of than bubblegum off the bottom of a shoe. Guess what......I was right.
I felt we had different intentions and stated that fact. I told him that we were looking for different outcomes from dating. I felt it was best not to continue dating. I had the hardest time getting him to accept that I didn't want to go out on any more dates with him. ugh!
It turned out okay in the end as we did remain friends after a period of no contact.
I found this thread posted on SR to be helpful in remembering to check my standard requirements on potential companions versus the future potential of companions who didn't meet my standard requrements:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oceed-2-a.html
I consider myself a success story for online dating. I am in a committed relationship that is open, honest, and free of chemicals ~ and we met through an online dating site.
I say: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
I say that because I needed to know what I wanted before I began answering the messages. I was looking for companionship in the beginning. Therefore, I did not want a date with someone who was looking for marriage. I wanted someone who wanted to go out to an occassional dinner, a night at the theatre or a trip down the river in kayaks ~ and then I wanted to be left alone while I focused on family, school and career.
That eliminated a few dates right there.
Here is an example of how it can go wrong if we want different outcomes:
I went on a date with a man and he was well respected in our community. We talked on the phone a few times and met in public to chat a few times. My first red flag was that he wanted to talk to me everyday on the phone. Then we went out on a date. On our first date he talked about his plans for our future after we got married. What??? Then he kept asking me when we could see each other again, tomorrow? I joked with him that he must be harder to get rid of than bubblegum off the bottom of a shoe. Guess what......I was right.
I felt we had different intentions and stated that fact. I told him that we were looking for different outcomes from dating. I felt it was best not to continue dating. I had the hardest time getting him to accept that I didn't want to go out on any more dates with him. ugh!
It turned out okay in the end as we did remain friends after a period of no contact.
I found this thread posted on SR to be helpful in remembering to check my standard requirements on potential companions versus the future potential of companions who didn't meet my standard requrements:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oceed-2-a.html
Member
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX
Good luck.
I know your wounds from your axbf are still fresh. Have you considered taking a little time off of dating and spending a little time alone and healing.
I am slowly wandering back into the dating world, I moved out of exA's home over a year ago and completely cut ties a few months ago. I have learned alot about myself in the past few months, including that I don't need a "significant other" to complete me.
I know your wounds from your axbf are still fresh. Have you considered taking a little time off of dating and spending a little time alone and healing.
I am slowly wandering back into the dating world, I moved out of exA's home over a year ago and completely cut ties a few months ago. I have learned alot about myself in the past few months, including that I don't need a "significant other" to complete me.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
be careful. in every way possible. you might not be emotionally ready to be objective (ie on the rebound, just trying to find someone that isn't your ex) and on the interent people can present themselves in ways that have NOTHING to do with reality. stay in public places, do not reveal personal info, i'd be careful about them even walking me to my car.
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Originally Posted by Pelican
Good luck Ziggy!
Here is an example of how it can go wrong if we want different outcomes:
I went on a date with a man and he was well respected in our community. We talked on the phone a few times and met in public to chat a few times. My first red flag was that he wanted to talk to me everyday on the phone. Then we went out on a date. On our first date he talked about his plans for our future after we got married. What??? Then he kept asking me when we could see each other again, tomorrow? I joked with him that he must be harder to get rid of than bubblegum off the bottom of a shoe. Guess what......I was right. [/url]
Here is an example of how it can go wrong if we want different outcomes:
I went on a date with a man and he was well respected in our community. We talked on the phone a few times and met in public to chat a few times. My first red flag was that he wanted to talk to me everyday on the phone. Then we went out on a date. On our first date he talked about his plans for our future after we got married. What??? Then he kept asking me when we could see each other again, tomorrow? I joked with him that he must be harder to get rid of than bubblegum off the bottom of a shoe. Guess what......I was right. [/url]
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Naples
Posts: 26
I met my husband on an on-line dating service. I was adamant that I was not interested in anyone who had an addiction or emotional problems. Several of the men I met were active alcoholics and were easy to "out". The one I married, after dating 1 1/2 years, turned out to be a drunk. He hid his drinking very well until we returned from the honeymoon. The following morning he returned from his business staggering drunk at 10AM. It has been a nightmare since then. SO BE CAREFUL! If you know how to do back ground checks, I suggest that you do this. Deception is the nature of the beast.
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Originally Posted by krisjbhm
I met my husband on an on-line dating service. I was adamant that I was not interested in anyone who had an addiction or emotional problems. Several of the men I met were active alcoholics and were easy to "out". The one I married, after dating 1 1/2 years, turned out to be a drunk. He hid his drinking very well until we returned from the honeymoon. The following morning he returned from his business staggering drunk at 10AM. It has been a nightmare since then. SO BE CAREFUL! If you know how to do back ground checks, I suggest that you do this. Deception is the nature of the beast.
But how can you background check someone for a drinking problem? It isn't illegal or anything...
Let Go or Be Dragged
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 44
ZB - yup take it slow and BE CAREFUL. I thought i had all bases covered, did all my homework - background checks, personal references, etc....
Guess what - i still got burned. He hid it soooo well. My tip would be this: if u "think" u "maybe" saw a "possible" red flag pop up...YOU DID. That is where i went wrong...Giving him the benefit of the doubt cuz i just really wasnt 100% positive. Before i knew it i was sucked in so deep i was a complete WRECK. still trying to fight my way out. if you see anything that even remotely resembles a red flag RUN RUN RUN.
that being said - Best of luck - i truly hope u find happiness, you so deserve it!
Guess what - i still got burned. He hid it soooo well. My tip would be this: if u "think" u "maybe" saw a "possible" red flag pop up...YOU DID. That is where i went wrong...Giving him the benefit of the doubt cuz i just really wasnt 100% positive. Before i knew it i was sucked in so deep i was a complete WRECK. still trying to fight my way out. if you see anything that even remotely resembles a red flag RUN RUN RUN.
that being said - Best of luck - i truly hope u find happiness, you so deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Oh wow, that sucks.....
But how can you background check someone for a drinking problem? It isn't illegal or anything...
But how can you background check someone for a drinking problem? It isn't illegal or anything...
If all those are clear, go on a date with him where there is alcohol served and gauge....maybe even cab it, and see what he drinks. My ex went with me to a wedding reception and drank 7-8 beers and then more after at home, and sadly, this was the beginning of the end for us. We lasted only a few weeks after that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Oh wow, that sucks.....
But how can you background check someone for a drinking problem? It isn't illegal or anything...
But how can you background check someone for a drinking problem? It isn't illegal or anything...
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Watch for the red flags...you know...the ones we all overlooked the first time around! And check public records for any arrests/cases/tickets/RO's, etc.
I know, there were lots of red flags and I did overlook them. There is something so compelling about someone who claims to be in love with you and wants to work things out no matter what....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
I didn't spot any red flags until many years into our marriage. I thought I knew what to look for, but didn't have any real experience or much knowledge about addiction or alcoholism. No sense beating myself up over it. I'm getting that experience and knowledge now.
Thank goodness that my ignorance is curable.
Good Luck ZiggyB!
Thank goodness that my ignorance is curable.
Good Luck ZiggyB!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What's compelling about them is...
...that they are either codependent, alcoholic/addicts, or both. That's exactly what "work things out no matter what" means.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
*Sigh*
I know, there were lots of red flags and I did overlook them. There is something so compelling about someone who claims to be in love with you and wants to work things out no matter what....
I know, there were lots of red flags and I did overlook them. There is something so compelling about someone who claims to be in love with you and wants to work things out no matter what....
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...that they are either codependent, alcoholic/addicts, or both. That's exactly what "work things out no matter what" means.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
"No matter what" should not mean I am miserable.
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