Here again - Advise?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Here again - Advise?
Hi all,
I'm back again, sorry it's been so long, but I've moved nearer to my AM, got a new job and got married since I was last here - December 11 I think?
Anyway I've been able to keep a closer eye on my Mum, and with the wedding she has been preoccupied and managed to stay sober for 7 Months
Last week she started to wobble, my sister and I have been looking for it mind - you never fully trust an alcoholic not to drink again, especially as she goes a few months without and binges, makes herself ill, stops for a few months and then binges (it used to be all the time so this is a big improvement)
Sat and Sun she was definatly sober - I saw her yesterday (sunday) and she was all there and no sign of hangover, so I reckon sober for 2/3 days.
We had a good day together, moaned a bit about my sister as she is really annoying - wants mum to go over once a week to babysit, and do her housework, and mum will offer, and I think she takes advantage a bit, plus my sisters mother in law is flavour of the month at the moment, which my mum finds hurtful as she misses her grandkids. So I'm feeling like its my fault as I should have stuck up for my sister more, and told her she was being silly etc etc. but I did kind of agree with her, anyway so this morning she gets drunk then starts screaming and shouting at my sister, after she promised me she wasn't going to drink (I know never trust a promise) and saying how proud she was that she woke up one morning and realised that if she carried on drinking it would make her feel worse not better - I blindly believed everything she said and now I'm really hurt.
Am I being silly or does the fact that she says that she woke up feeling like drink wasnt going to help still a big breakthrough?
I feel like this is all my fault, I should have looked after her better, I should have been more gentle with her and not talked to her like she was sober, and I should have just done more. I know AA tells us it's not our fault but I can't help it. I know I have no control over what she does but I feel like I fuelled the fire and I just feel so guilty.
I don't want to loose my Mum to the alcohol monster whether its for a week or just 3 days I hate the person she turns into.
thanks for listening x
I'm back again, sorry it's been so long, but I've moved nearer to my AM, got a new job and got married since I was last here - December 11 I think?
Anyway I've been able to keep a closer eye on my Mum, and with the wedding she has been preoccupied and managed to stay sober for 7 Months
Last week she started to wobble, my sister and I have been looking for it mind - you never fully trust an alcoholic not to drink again, especially as she goes a few months without and binges, makes herself ill, stops for a few months and then binges (it used to be all the time so this is a big improvement)
Sat and Sun she was definatly sober - I saw her yesterday (sunday) and she was all there and no sign of hangover, so I reckon sober for 2/3 days.
We had a good day together, moaned a bit about my sister as she is really annoying - wants mum to go over once a week to babysit, and do her housework, and mum will offer, and I think she takes advantage a bit, plus my sisters mother in law is flavour of the month at the moment, which my mum finds hurtful as she misses her grandkids. So I'm feeling like its my fault as I should have stuck up for my sister more, and told her she was being silly etc etc. but I did kind of agree with her, anyway so this morning she gets drunk then starts screaming and shouting at my sister, after she promised me she wasn't going to drink (I know never trust a promise) and saying how proud she was that she woke up one morning and realised that if she carried on drinking it would make her feel worse not better - I blindly believed everything she said and now I'm really hurt.
Am I being silly or does the fact that she says that she woke up feeling like drink wasnt going to help still a big breakthrough?
I feel like this is all my fault, I should have looked after her better, I should have been more gentle with her and not talked to her like she was sober, and I should have just done more. I know AA tells us it's not our fault but I can't help it. I know I have no control over what she does but I feel like I fuelled the fire and I just feel so guilty.
I don't want to loose my Mum to the alcohol monster whether its for a week or just 3 days I hate the person she turns into.
thanks for listening x
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It is my understanding that there are 3 A's in recovery:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
It is my habit to want to jump from Awareness to Action. That usually results in unhealthy reactions.
My question to you is this: How is your recovery going? With the move and marriage have you let your recovery from anothers addiction slip?
I ask because from this side of the screen, your words don't match your actions. You are aware of the dangers in believing and trusting an alcoholic, yet you do; and then you resent the outcome. You also state that you are aware of the concept that we are powerless to control, cause or fix another person's addiction ~ but your actions show you may not have accepted the concept yet.
I think it's time to make time for you.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
It is my habit to want to jump from Awareness to Action. That usually results in unhealthy reactions.
My question to you is this: How is your recovery going? With the move and marriage have you let your recovery from anothers addiction slip?
I ask because from this side of the screen, your words don't match your actions. You are aware of the dangers in believing and trusting an alcoholic, yet you do; and then you resent the outcome. You also state that you are aware of the concept that we are powerless to control, cause or fix another person's addiction ~ but your actions show you may not have accepted the concept yet.
I think it's time to make time for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I think it's because I've been lulled into a false sense of security with her not drinking for 7 months, its like I know I shouldn't trust her and I know its there but it's still a surprise, and it really hurts.
I guess with everything that's gone on and the fact that I'm closer I thought she might really recover, as in never drink again which is really a bit silly.
I know I am very lucky she is a binger rather than a full time alcoholic, and we do get a lot of time with sober Mum. I just wish I knew when it was going to happen! But it does put me off going to Al anon as I feel I have no right to be there as she isn't a 24/7 drinker.
I just want someone to tell me ohh 7 months, thats a long time, and her saying she understands that alcohol makes her worse instead of better, that's a massive step forward, so that means she will never drink again!
unfortunatly doesn't quite work like that does it!
I guess with everything that's gone on and the fact that I'm closer I thought she might really recover, as in never drink again which is really a bit silly.
I know I am very lucky she is a binger rather than a full time alcoholic, and we do get a lot of time with sober Mum. I just wish I knew when it was going to happen! But it does put me off going to Al anon as I feel I have no right to be there as she isn't a 24/7 drinker.
I just want someone to tell me ohh 7 months, thats a long time, and her saying she understands that alcohol makes her worse instead of better, that's a massive step forward, so that means she will never drink again!
unfortunatly doesn't quite work like that does it!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Chimmy, 7 months was a good run for a binge drinker and this may be a short lived relapse, hopefully.
Even though she was a binger and not drinking daily, the effects of alcohol in her system are the same. Picking back up triggers a chain reaction in her entire body and her system goes back to processing alcohol as if she never missed a drink. That is the core of addiction: the body reacts to alcohol in an extreme manner (not like normies).
Please remember the opening statement at Alanon:
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking.
I have found the principles of Alanon to benefit me in personal, intimate and business relationships.
Wishing you peace as you continue to take care of yourself.
Even though she was a binger and not drinking daily, the effects of alcohol in her system are the same. Picking back up triggers a chain reaction in her entire body and her system goes back to processing alcohol as if she never missed a drink. That is the core of addiction: the body reacts to alcohol in an extreme manner (not like normies).
Please remember the opening statement at Alanon:
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking.
I have found the principles of Alanon to benefit me in personal, intimate and business relationships.
Wishing you peace as you continue to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have to second what Pelican has said.
Alanon is for anyone who has been effected by someone else's drinking. Please consider attending and try more than one meeting as they each have a different flavor. I went to 5 or 6 until I found my home group.
I can say from experience that my life is much better for attending.
Your friend,
Alanon is for anyone who has been effected by someone else's drinking. Please consider attending and try more than one meeting as they each have a different flavor. I went to 5 or 6 until I found my home group.
I can say from experience that my life is much better for attending.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Thought I'd come on and give an update.
So she is still drinking, more heavily now than before, my Grandad pops in on her everyday whereas my sister and I don't have anything to do with her when she is drinking.
My Grandad told me she is trying really hard to stop, she won't stop crying and doesn't know what to do. She won't see a doctor, she has now stopped eating. She ahs been drinking for 5 weeks now.
My Sister and I are going over on Sunday - obviously the no contact isn't helping matters, so we are going to just go over - seperately so we don't spook her, and talk to her, let her know we love her and we are waiting for her to get better.
I'm not really sure what to do, if she isn't eating especially isn't good. last time when she went to rehab she was treated for Anorexia as well as the alcoholism. I'm really scared that she can't get out of this hole and that she could die.
I really miss my Mum. I'm not actually that upset this time, I don't have the feelings of responsibility or guilt which is a step forward. I just want my Mum to be better. I know going over probably won't be a magic cure that will stop her drinking, but it might perk her up a bit and at least she knows we care and that she isn't alone. Plus I get to see her.
What a mess alcohol is!
Any advise on any practical solutions, ie whether I should look into getting her put into forced rehab would be very much appreciated. I can understand the drinking, but the not eating is something that deeply worries me. (I'm in the UK)
Thanks
So she is still drinking, more heavily now than before, my Grandad pops in on her everyday whereas my sister and I don't have anything to do with her when she is drinking.
My Grandad told me she is trying really hard to stop, she won't stop crying and doesn't know what to do. She won't see a doctor, she has now stopped eating. She ahs been drinking for 5 weeks now.
My Sister and I are going over on Sunday - obviously the no contact isn't helping matters, so we are going to just go over - seperately so we don't spook her, and talk to her, let her know we love her and we are waiting for her to get better.
I'm not really sure what to do, if she isn't eating especially isn't good. last time when she went to rehab she was treated for Anorexia as well as the alcoholism. I'm really scared that she can't get out of this hole and that she could die.
I really miss my Mum. I'm not actually that upset this time, I don't have the feelings of responsibility or guilt which is a step forward. I just want my Mum to be better. I know going over probably won't be a magic cure that will stop her drinking, but it might perk her up a bit and at least she knows we care and that she isn't alone. Plus I get to see her.
What a mess alcohol is!
Any advise on any practical solutions, ie whether I should look into getting her put into forced rehab would be very much appreciated. I can understand the drinking, but the not eating is something that deeply worries me. (I'm in the UK)
Thanks
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