I'm done.
 

I cannot deal with this anymore. I'm "tapped out"

My recovering boyfriend and I agreed that we would talk on Sunday (yesterday). Well, I get a text in the morning stating that he needed the day to himself (go mountain biking in the woods alone). Fine, I was OK with this (anything to help HIM in his recovery). So, I decided to take the day to myself (I went to the pool, did some grocery shopping, etc). Well, unbeknownst to me, he had sent me 3 text messages. One he sent at 7:31 pm saying "do you want to talk?" the second one he sent at 7:54 pm, "I guess when you need time its OK?" and the third one he sent at 8:09 pm "well thanks for being there for these 8 weeks. I couldn't have made it without you. Your like an angel from heaven when you come in and out of my life, you always just fly away tho!"

OK, wtf???? I hadn't even known he was going to be texting me until I saw that I had missed them at 8:48 (which was when I stupidly replied back), but he is assuming that I am sitting by my phone waiting to hear from him????? So I can not hear from him for hours, but as soon as I don't answer a text immediately he writes me off?????

To top it off, I (again stupidly) call him. I can tell that he is on the other line (that little buzz that you hear after the ring). So he is on his phone talking to someone, yet he never calls me back and he never replies to my text.

Am I overreacting? Expecting too much? :react

I just can't deal with this anymore. I know that another person cannot drive one crazy, but I am being to feel emotionally abused at this point.

I have no choice but to end this..... for my own sanity.

Now how do I get my stuff back?????

I don't know how recovering alcoholics are while going through the process, but my own experience with an active one is that everything revolves around them. How dare you not be available in my time of need when I was ready to talk to you. Why can't I get a hold of you? There should be nothing more important than me right now.

What your bf did sounds like mine. If I don't answer either of my phones or call him back within a certain time he freezes me out. Goes into this spiteful mode where he figures he'll show me what it's like and when I return his call he won't answer. Then he'll call me back when HE wants to.

If this had been anyone else, they would have simply left the message and waited for you to call them back. He's throwing guilt at you. Don't let him.

everything revolves around them. How dare you not be available in my time of need when I was ready to talk to you. Why can't I get a hold of you? There should be nothing more important than me right now.

itsmylifenow,

yes, I feel like I am being punished.... and in my mind, this is NOT love. My heart and soul are in pain right now, and I do not want my life to be like this. I know that love is supposed to be work, but this is backbreaking, soulsucking excrutiating work and I think that i am going to fire myself. :gaah

Yes, had the same thing happen to me yesterday. Read my post called Fairness. Also with a recovering(?) A. We didn't drop it all to answer the phone when he called.

coffeeclouds,

Thank you. I just read "Fairness" and you are right on point. I am also reading CODA No More. Excellent book!

I have the same interaction with my separated AH. They dictate the tempo of the day, conversation, etc...They deflect and always blame. Nothing is ever their fault or reasonable. Yes, you are being abused. I always was defending myself and I am not going to defend myself anymore!

As for your stuff, that's the easy part. Police will help you if you need that extreme or just have a mutual friend/3rd party do it for you. The least interaction as possible, the better. Less chances of anything going wrong.

Don't lose yourself. You can do it. Your way of thinking is correct!

I have the same interaction with my separated AH. They dictate the tempo of the day, conversation, etc...They deflect and always blame. Nothing is ever their fault or reasonable. Yes, you are being abused. I always was defending myself and I am not going to defend myself anymore

It feels like I can't do anything right (even though he isn't verbally saying this), his actions (or lack of) speak volumes.

He is using recovery as an excuse. Previously it was because he drank, then it was because he was getting separated (but needed to make sure his soon to be ex would become a citizen and it was the RIGHT thing to do), then it was because he drank or he had just gotten out of another relationship.

With him there is always a reason that I need to be patient with him. I have tried to reconnect with this guy may be 4 different times since 1999. Instead of viewing us as "meant to be," I should view this as OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA WORK IN THIS LIFETIME!!!!!

I feel stupid as I write this. I feel like a complete idiot. I believed my fantasy of who I thought he was and did not see him for who he truly is.......

It's interesting how moving 4,000 miles away changes your perspective on things. I used to be the "go-to" person for any family emergency. Friends and family always knew that they could give me a call and I'd come running. I felt this weird obligation.

Then I moved across "the pond" and suddenly I was no longer able to come running. Well, I could but it would take a couple of days and many hundreds of dollars for me to get there. ;) And the time zone difference also made it more difficult for quick response times to phone calls or emails.

I was forced to re-examine my whole attitude towards how I responded to others. I decided that if it was a real emergency then the person should be calling 911 rather than me. And if it wasn't such an emergency then a few hours of delay in me getting back to them shouldn't make a difference. If the delay did make a difference then it was their problem, not mine.

It actually took me a few years to completely switch into this new way of thinking. But now I realise that my stress levels have gone down a whole heck of a lot and I no longer take possession of other people's problems so quickly or easily.

Road,

I have gone through the same thing with my XRABF.

He may take a day to respond to MY email. But the last one HE sent was at 9am...I was working...and by noon he was texting asking why I "had gone silent?"

There seems to be a double standard with them. THEIR time frame is acceptable...but not ours.

I can only conclude that they lack the coping mechanism of PATIENCE and that there is a lot of insecurity. He flat out admits to the insecurity...

On the other hand, maybe its a control mechanism to KEEP you at your phone...waiting.

I'm not sure. But I know its frustrating.
I just try to remind myself that I"m NOT responsible for a loose cannon.

On this board I have heard this behavior called "king baby" behavior. Apparently, it is as common as fleas.

Yes, I think you really are expecting too much. Because, you have the expectations that one would typically have of a "normal" healthy partner. This doesn't work with an active or newly recovered alcoholic. Their own damage and effects of the disease are too prominent.
You need to do what you need to do.

dandylion.

Thank you Red Candle.

Ya know, maybe I am not so co-dependent afterall. Maybe I am (again) just reponding to an abnormal person the best way that I can.

When i think of control, I think of a person (flat-out) telling me what to do. But I guess that a person can control in a passive way too..... like in a under-handed way.

Sneaky sneaky man.

King baby behavior....... yes, that sounds accurate. And I appreciate your response. You have made me feel so much better! ;)

What if instead of acting like you were okay with him breaking plans you responded that you felt sad and rejected? Sounds like he triggered a fear of abandonment in you. Could that fear of abandonment stem from acting like you were okay with him breaking plans when you really were not.

NOT stupid at all!! I am sure you had the best intentions, and maybe he did too. But you are absolutely right about what you said in another post: love is supposed to be work, but not the kind that sucks the life out of you. If my job were as stressful as my relationship has been, I'd have quit a long time ago!

The tendency of the addict to think everything revolves around them...ugh. I am seeing it more and more every day with my ABF/XBF (I really don't know what we are). He tells me he needs me to encourage him, help lift him up when he doubts he can stop drinking. But if I express any doubt about if we will work (and I can honestly say that 98% of this doubt is caused by his constant crap), he makes me feel guilty.

That is exactly what I am going through right now! Thank you. It is a tug-of-war in your head...... do I stay, give this guy a chance because he is struggling? Or do I end the chaos because I am suffering????:thanks

You took the words right out of my head! ;) It's so hard when you yourself need time to heal but either want to stay in contact with them, or feel obligated to. My BF always says he wants us to work through all this, but then I think to myself "what do I need to work through? You're the one with the addiction, the legal troubles, and the inability to think of others before yourself." I mean I know I'm not perfect, but these relationships do not add much to our lives and they take plenty away.

I asked my BF, if he had never been with me and I still had all the things about me that he loves and he saw me in this situation with another guy, what would he think I should do? I wanted to get him to look at the situation from another angle. His actual answer was "don't even know how to answer that cause I am that guy." Really made it clear to me how incapable this disease makes you of caring about anyone else.:c029:

Are we dating the same man??? lol "don't even know how to answer that cause I am that guy." sounds exactly like something mine would say. It's kinda like... "duh!" lol :thanks

I completely understand feeling like you can't do anything right, even though he does not use these exact words. I always felt like whatever I did was not good enough and that I would be judged because I did not keep everything perfect and picked up ALL the time. Nothing I did was ever ENOUGH. He always needed and wanted more from me. More time, more attention, more energy, more money, more work, more being responsible for more and more things.

Apparently he was dissatisfied with the "fact" that I was "never happy." I was happy with myself and my life. What I wasn't happy with was that someone came into my life, took it over, controlled everything, every moment of the day, every thought in my head, ignored everything I said I wanted for my life, our life, and our relationship, and manipulated everyone and everything for his own selfish purposes. While I was the one responsible for paying all the bills and all the expenses, even the vacations. How can a person be happy with another person who only takes, and ignores who you are? Who makes everyone else responsible for everything but mowing the lawn and moving plants around the yard?

It's hard to see someone for who they REALLY are when they are constantly faking it, being deceptive, and manipulating you. I know how you feel, feeling like an idiot. But you have to assign responsibility to the other person for the things that he did, and for not being honest. You have to find a way to acknowledge that you could not see what someone only showed you bits and pieces of. I know you know what I mean. Weren't there observations you were able to make about the true person every once in a while, that did not jive with what you had otherwise been lead to believe? That's how anyone gets to know anyone else. Slowly. For instance, AXBF always said how important his children were to him and how he wanted to raise them properly. But then, I would catch glimpses of him badgering his children, not teaching him what children need to be taught, lying to his children, and trying to be their friend instead of being a parent. It took several of these little glimpses to be able to see that the actions did not match his words.

It really does take a while to get to know someone. And even then you can never know someone completely, even when you live with them. People are capable of all sorts of lying and misdeeds. Unless you're with them 24/7, you cannot always know what they are doing.

Try to assign responsibility where it belongs.

anvilhead,

Thank you! You have helped me more than you will ever know....... my higher power just spoke through you to me. Thank you thank you thank you!:You_Rock_