Am I wrong to talk to him about doing more?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Am I wrong to talk to him about doing more?
Well, my AH went to an AA meeting last Thursday night and, while I'm glad he actually went to one, I think he should be going to another one before next Thursday night. I told him I think going to more than one meeting a week will help with any urges he has to drink.
Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to get him to do more? I know he has to want to go himself, but am I wrong for talking to him about how many times he should be going in a week? Will that just push him out of going?
I still have to see if he goes to another meeting on Thursday but if he does, should I lay off him about going more?
Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to get him to do more? I know he has to want to go himself, but am I wrong for talking to him about how many times he should be going in a week? Will that just push him out of going?
I still have to see if he goes to another meeting on Thursday but if he does, should I lay off him about going more?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
How would you as an adult feel about having your relationship partner tell you what you should be doing? I personally, don't appreciate it.
The best advice I have heard on telling an alcoholic what kind of program to work is this:
Work the kind of program you wish they would work.
So how is your recovery going? What steps are you taking?
The best advice I have heard on telling an alcoholic what kind of program to work is this:
Work the kind of program you wish they would work.
So how is your recovery going? What steps are you taking?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Where did I read something about "offering our opinion to someone is like they don't have a brain to think with". that made me think. I have offered my opinion too many times. I am aware of offering my opinion now!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi onefootoutdoor,
Its soooo hard, but you really have to back off and allow your AH to find HIS own path to HIS recovery.
My AH will be sober for one year next week and he hasnt been to one AA meeting. My AH has found his own help by seeing his doctor regulary, taking medication and having ongoing therapy sessions, which he maintains.
At the end of the day, what is important to me is that he remains sober and is a kind, considerate and loving husband and that he continues to show me this is who he is, everday (which he does). Its not important how he does it, just that he does it and wants it bad enough to stay that way.
I know how difficult it is to 'let go' of their recovery because we also have a vested interest in them staying sober for our own benefit. Nothing you do or say however, will make them stay sober the same as nothing you do or say stopped him from drinking. This is all on him.
Are you going to Al-anon onefootoutdoor?
Its soooo hard, but you really have to back off and allow your AH to find HIS own path to HIS recovery.
My AH will be sober for one year next week and he hasnt been to one AA meeting. My AH has found his own help by seeing his doctor regulary, taking medication and having ongoing therapy sessions, which he maintains.
At the end of the day, what is important to me is that he remains sober and is a kind, considerate and loving husband and that he continues to show me this is who he is, everday (which he does). Its not important how he does it, just that he does it and wants it bad enough to stay that way.
I know how difficult it is to 'let go' of their recovery because we also have a vested interest in them staying sober for our own benefit. Nothing you do or say however, will make them stay sober the same as nothing you do or say stopped him from drinking. This is all on him.
Are you going to Al-anon onefootoutdoor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Eight Ball 
Hi onefootoutdoor,
Its soooo hard, but you really have to back off and allow your AH to find HIS own path to HIS recovery.
My AH will be sober for one year next week and he hasnt been to one AA meeting. My AH has found his own help by seeing his doctor regulary, taking medication and having ongoing therapy sessions, which he maintains.
At the end of the day, what is important to me is that he remains sober and is a kind, considerate and loving husband and that he continues to show me this is who he is, everday (which he does). Its not important how he does it, just that he does it and wants it bad enough to stay that way.
I know how difficult it is to 'let go' of their recovery because we also have a vested interest in them staying sober for our own benefit. Nothing you do or say however, will make them stay sober the same as nothing you do or say stopped him from drinking. This is all on him.
Are you going to Al-anon onefootoutdoor?
Its soooo hard, but you really have to back off and allow your AH to find HIS own path to HIS recovery.
My AH will be sober for one year next week and he hasnt been to one AA meeting. My AH has found his own help by seeing his doctor regulary, taking medication and having ongoing therapy sessions, which he maintains.
At the end of the day, what is important to me is that he remains sober and is a kind, considerate and loving husband and that he continues to show me this is who he is, everday (which he does). Its not important how he does it, just that he does it and wants it bad enough to stay that way.
I know how difficult it is to 'let go' of their recovery because we also have a vested interest in them staying sober for our own benefit. Nothing you do or say however, will make them stay sober the same as nothing you do or say stopped him from drinking. This is all on him.
Are you going to Al-anon onefootoutdoor?
I am going to Al-Anon. I just started a couple weeks ago so I've only been to two meetings but I'm committed to going every week. It's already helped, as has this forum, so I'll keep going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Onefootoutdoor,
I found that, in order to feel comfortable letting go of my AH's recovery, I had to make myself less vulnerable to his choices. Others have figured out how to do that while still living with them. I just couldn't. I was willing to be supportive, but from a distance until his behavior stabilized and settled on sobriety. That was also difficult because I was never sure if he was really sober. I wasn't seeing much consistency in his thoughts or behaviors toward me despite frequent therapy appointments. We had in mind that we would go to marriage counseling when we could both approach it with a healthier outlook on our own lives. After six months of separation, he gave up. I don't know what he's doing right now (haven't heard from him in 3 months), and that makes me sad. But, the direction of my life is no longer at the mercy of his decisions. I left, giving him the option to prove himself. He still has that option for now, but I'm finding that we're rapidly approaching the expiration date on that offer (not that I specified one, but I'm running out of the will to be patient with him). It would probably be different if I actually saw evidence of change in him, but I'm ready to just get on with my life.
That was kind of a long-winded comment, but I just wanted to share my experience with letting go of his recovery and focusing more on my own. It's difficult any way you try it.
Take care,
Fathom
I found that, in order to feel comfortable letting go of my AH's recovery, I had to make myself less vulnerable to his choices. Others have figured out how to do that while still living with them. I just couldn't. I was willing to be supportive, but from a distance until his behavior stabilized and settled on sobriety. That was also difficult because I was never sure if he was really sober. I wasn't seeing much consistency in his thoughts or behaviors toward me despite frequent therapy appointments. We had in mind that we would go to marriage counseling when we could both approach it with a healthier outlook on our own lives. After six months of separation, he gave up. I don't know what he's doing right now (haven't heard from him in 3 months), and that makes me sad. But, the direction of my life is no longer at the mercy of his decisions. I left, giving him the option to prove himself. He still has that option for now, but I'm finding that we're rapidly approaching the expiration date on that offer (not that I specified one, but I'm running out of the will to be patient with him). It would probably be different if I actually saw evidence of change in him, but I'm ready to just get on with my life.
That was kind of a long-winded comment, but I just wanted to share my experience with letting go of his recovery and focusing more on my own. It's difficult any way you try it.
Take care,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I am going to Al-Anon. I just started a couple weeks ago so I've only been to two meetings but I'm committed to going every week. It's already helped, as has this forum, so I'll keep going.
i went to al-anon, found sr and did 18 months of personal therapy before i found the strength to leave my ah. all that time, he continued to be in denial and to drink. he got in touch about 3 months after i left him and was sober a month after that.
Therapy, sr and al-anon helped me tremendously in becoming a happy, healthy spirited person and i can now easily say that i will never live with an active drinker again. i deserve to live a happy, contented life and these days i do and wouldnt have it any other way.
I am so fortunate that my ah has found sobriety, loves himself sober and behaves in a kind, loving way everyday. i do have enough self confidence these days to know that i come first and if my health declined due to his negative behaviours, and/or the drinking returned then i woulndnt hesitate to move forward on my own again.
Last edited by Eight Ball; 07-30-2012 at 02:31 AM. Reason: sent from my phone so a bit iffy!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
He may even choose not to go to AA, but stay sober. I think if he is ready, he is ready. This is all up to him. The best thing anyone has ever done for me is to detach and let me make my way. Then I found it. Human nature, especially for an addict is to get defensive and often a little push can bring about a very opposite desired result.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
When I first came here I learned about the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Powerful stuff for helping me deal with my AW's drinking and pills. It took a while but I learned to apply it to my wife's attempt at recovery as well.
Now it is a basic truth I apply to my whole life. If it isn't about how I choose to live my life and my attitudes then I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cant' cure it and I sure as heck don't own it.
Your friend,
Powerful stuff for helping me deal with my AW's drinking and pills. It took a while but I learned to apply it to my wife's attempt at recovery as well.
Now it is a basic truth I apply to my whole life. If it isn't about how I choose to live my life and my attitudes then I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cant' cure it and I sure as heck don't own it.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
I find the more I ask God to remove the scattered thoughts I have no control over, the more I focus on what I am doing (so I don't rear-end another car!) and the less I focus on those scattered thoughts.
I have an Alcoholic Son who is married, with two children who live in the next state. With the distance between us, I find it easier to live each day. I don't have him in my house.
I just have to keep working at removing my scattered thoughts and stop worrying about him, and my grandchildren. I can't do anything about the choices he makes for himself or his children.
For me, it is hard not to worry. A mom always worries about her kids, no matter what age they are. That is just the way we are made, or atleast that is the way I was made.
I keep focusing on me, my activities, and what I like to do. God only knows how long he will give me to live life on earth so I need to work at living it and giving back.
I think the more I focus on good things, my life...the easier it will become. It will become second nature, I hope!
I have an Alcoholic Son who is married, with two children who live in the next state. With the distance between us, I find it easier to live each day. I don't have him in my house.
I just have to keep working at removing my scattered thoughts and stop worrying about him, and my grandchildren. I can't do anything about the choices he makes for himself or his children.
For me, it is hard not to worry. A mom always worries about her kids, no matter what age they are. That is just the way we are made, or atleast that is the way I was made.
I keep focusing on me, my activities, and what I like to do. God only knows how long he will give me to live life on earth so I need to work at living it and giving back.
I think the more I focus on good things, my life...the easier it will become. It will become second nature, I hope!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
His recovery and program, as weird as this is going to sound, is not yours. Yours is in Alanon. Focus on you, let him focus on him, and don't tell him what he "should" and "should not" do. It's not your job to should on him, and it's not his job to should on you.
You are passive aggressively controlling him, or at least trying to, and it's likely you've been doing it as long as he's been drinking, if not longer.
Take care,
Cyranoak
You are passive aggressively controlling him, or at least trying to, and it's likely you've been doing it as long as he's been drinking, if not longer.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Thank you everyone! I know I'm trying to control a situation I've never had control over before so I don't know why I keep doing it! I am learning about what I DO have control over, and I slowly feel the burden lifting from my shoulders.
I think I had to go through the last 5 years to know that I have dealt with enough to not feel guilty about taking an action as drastic as divorce, if I so choose it in the future.
It feels good to vent here.....
I think I had to go through the last 5 years to know that I have dealt with enough to not feel guilty about taking an action as drastic as divorce, if I so choose it in the future.
It feels good to vent here.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
The more I pushed, the more he refused.
Like a teenager, yes.
So, I stopped pushing. He does do meetings now, but not enough.
My opinion, but its his recovery.
Luckily, we are separated now, so it doesnt matter what I think or say. He will either go or he wont.
He will tend to go when things are hard for him.
Like a teenager, yes.
So, I stopped pushing. He does do meetings now, but not enough.
My opinion, but its his recovery.
Luckily, we are separated now, so it doesnt matter what I think or say. He will either go or he wont.
He will tend to go when things are hard for him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One of the hardest things I had to learn in recovery as a co-dependent is to avoid giving unsolicited advice. That, and taking the focus off someone else's problem and dealing with my own issues.
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