fairness
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
fairness
Ok, this is my first post. AH is in a 4 mo rehab, been there about a month. He had a hospital stay prior to this that was related mostly due to the drinking, and I said he couldn't come home. It took a few weeks to get him in this facility. Long term marriage and I am trying to work on my own part in this, still several kids at home. He was calling frequently and interrupting our day frequently (one of his behaviors when drinking or not, the disruption when he is not in control of a situation) and I asked him, via letter, to call the kids in the evenings and me on the weekends. I have to work all week, the kids have things to do. Anyway, tonight he told me it wasn't fair that we didn't answer when he called earlier today (we just sat down to lunch- therefore being disrupted) because he wants to talk to them and he has limited times to do so. I said, you are talking now. So, it disintegrated into an argument, and he said I was treating him like a child because I was trying to assert this boundary. I, of course, told him that bringing up the "fair" thing is childish. And if you wanted to talk fair....but I didn't go there with him- pointless.
My concern with this is, he seems so unaware of what we have to deal with here. Of course he has been mostly absent the last 3 years and doesn't remember that part while I have been carrying the load and just got grief from him before he left. I am not going to take the cr*p from him anymore. If I have to carry the load, I am going to do so on my terms and without being told how badly I am doing it.
Anyway. I am just not sure if I can communicate with him now. I am not sure that I want to. I don't care if he speaks to the kids, within the boundary. I also told him to quit telling our just barely adult child that I was being "cold and distant"; I said that was inappropriate to put any one of them between us.
So, am I wrong for setting these boundaries and for telling him what they are? I also told him that he has no right to tell me what to think or feel and that I have decades of unraveling to deal with in that regard. He was highly offended by that. he was offended that I implied abuse for all of this time. Maybe his offensive stance was because it hit close to home? I was actually trying to be very controlled with my speech, and he didn't like that either.
As I write this, I see it seems wrong. Not me, but his assessment of what I should be for him. He thinks that I should be "supportive because you are my wife." It really did become all about him. I am not sure if that will ever change. I did say that it was up to me what that support might look like from my end.
ok, set me straight if I need straightening. I am actually doing well most of the time. Just ordered CoD No More this morning.
sorry this is so long: a bit of background, he was actively drinking when we were married decades ago, he battled it with AA, etc about 2 years later, then about three years ago blew 25 years of sobriety (though some behaviors had been creeping in) and it got really bad, very quickly. So, if I seem like I am ready to give up soon, I am. I am not going to go here a third time.
My concern with this is, he seems so unaware of what we have to deal with here. Of course he has been mostly absent the last 3 years and doesn't remember that part while I have been carrying the load and just got grief from him before he left. I am not going to take the cr*p from him anymore. If I have to carry the load, I am going to do so on my terms and without being told how badly I am doing it.
Anyway. I am just not sure if I can communicate with him now. I am not sure that I want to. I don't care if he speaks to the kids, within the boundary. I also told him to quit telling our just barely adult child that I was being "cold and distant"; I said that was inappropriate to put any one of them between us.
So, am I wrong for setting these boundaries and for telling him what they are? I also told him that he has no right to tell me what to think or feel and that I have decades of unraveling to deal with in that regard. He was highly offended by that. he was offended that I implied abuse for all of this time. Maybe his offensive stance was because it hit close to home? I was actually trying to be very controlled with my speech, and he didn't like that either.
As I write this, I see it seems wrong. Not me, but his assessment of what I should be for him. He thinks that I should be "supportive because you are my wife." It really did become all about him. I am not sure if that will ever change. I did say that it was up to me what that support might look like from my end.
ok, set me straight if I need straightening. I am actually doing well most of the time. Just ordered CoD No More this morning.
sorry this is so long: a bit of background, he was actively drinking when we were married decades ago, he battled it with AA, etc about 2 years later, then about three years ago blew 25 years of sobriety (though some behaviors had been creeping in) and it got really bad, very quickly. So, if I seem like I am ready to give up soon, I am. I am not going to go here a third time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Coffeeclouds, welcome to Sober Recovery. You will find many of us here, myself included, dealing with similar situations to yours.
Your boundary setting is appropriate and necessary, and it is up to your AH to start to adjust to the fact that he is not the center of the universe, and HE must fit into other people's lives.
You sound like a good and concerned mother, and what you are doing is caring for and protecting your children. Your AH's talking down about you to your older child is unacceptable, and you are right to point that out. Kids in alcoholic families have enough troubles without being made to feel that they are a player in their parents' marriage.
And, with many years of good times and bad times, you are honest about what is going on, and you have the full right to not to want to go through it again.
Keep posting, you'll get lots and lots of support here.
BothSidesNow
Your boundary setting is appropriate and necessary, and it is up to your AH to start to adjust to the fact that he is not the center of the universe, and HE must fit into other people's lives.
You sound like a good and concerned mother, and what you are doing is caring for and protecting your children. Your AH's talking down about you to your older child is unacceptable, and you are right to point that out. Kids in alcoholic families have enough troubles without being made to feel that they are a player in their parents' marriage.
And, with many years of good times and bad times, you are honest about what is going on, and you have the full right to not to want to go through it again.
Keep posting, you'll get lots and lots of support here.
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Welcome coffeeclouds. I think your clarity of thought and conciseness of expression are awesome. It sounds to me that your husband doesn't think you're being fair because he isn't getting the responses he wants. I agree with you. Who is he to dictate how you feel or what you think?
I've been through a mini-version of that recently. He gave up his beer, but the stinkin' thinkin' (guilt tripping, manipulation, controlling) that goes with it was deeply embedded and only got worse. I cannot hold up my life any longer hoping for a change.
Trust your gut. You're doing well as far as I can tell!
I've been through a mini-version of that recently. He gave up his beer, but the stinkin' thinkin' (guilt tripping, manipulation, controlling) that goes with it was deeply embedded and only got worse. I cannot hold up my life any longer hoping for a change.
Trust your gut. You're doing well as far as I can tell!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi coffeeclouds, 
to SR. Wow, you sound very confident and know what uou are dealing with here! Good for you.
No, you are not wrong. Amd he is trying to force you into enabling him with this whole demand for "support." As if you do not already have enough to do with life and raising kids and all, right? It's a rude awakening when they finally realize the world does not actually revolve around them.
to SR. Wow, you sound very confident and know what uou are dealing with here! Good for you. No, you are not wrong. Amd he is trying to force you into enabling him with this whole demand for "support." As if you do not already have enough to do with life and raising kids and all, right? It's a rude awakening when they finally realize the world does not actually revolve around them.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I think you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and your children during a stressful time.
Your AH, well I personally think he is acting like "king baby" which is typical alcoholic behavior. He is in the care of professionals. They can help him get glad in the same pants he gets mad at this time.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I think you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and your children during a stressful time.
Your AH, well I personally think he is acting like "king baby" which is typical alcoholic behavior. He is in the care of professionals. They can help him get glad in the same pants he gets mad at this time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
Thanks for responding. I have been reading for a couple of weeks and have learned lots. I think one problem, if that is what it is, is that I have grown up since he married the child bride! And, he doesn't like what he sees. Anyway, I won't bash the situation, what is done is done. I am moving on. If he can't/won't then so be it. The kids are doing well actually. I am sorry he is sick. I can't help that. I also cannot adapt my life to it anymore. He has spent so much time demanding that everyone else adapt to his thinking over the years it is hard for him to see another person's point of view. As I have grown, and become successful in my profession (after years as a SAHM) I have seen this conflict brewing. But, I am really no longer conflicted. I hope that he can get better. I did tell him that it really didn't have anything to do with me as he works his program. Also, during the conversation, he of course tried to blame me for the wrongdoing over the years. I am not buying it anymore.
Someone else here posted that no one else in their life told them they were sick, abusive, and crazy, so if it is just coming from one source...the A...can we surmise it isn't us?? I am actually well liked and sought out in the community in my profession. If I was as bad as all that, my business would not be growing the way it is. (just a bit of a atta-boy for me there.)
again, thanks. I am sure I will be back. I see that this may ramp up a bit now that his fog is lifting. We still need to figure out what to do when he is out. I will ask about that later in another post.
Someone else here posted that no one else in their life told them they were sick, abusive, and crazy, so if it is just coming from one source...the A...can we surmise it isn't us?? I am actually well liked and sought out in the community in my profession. If I was as bad as all that, my business would not be growing the way it is. (just a bit of a atta-boy for me there.)
again, thanks. I am sure I will be back. I see that this may ramp up a bit now that his fog is lifting. We still need to figure out what to do when he is out. I will ask about that later in another post.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Your post hits home for me in a lot of ways & honestly, I agree that you sound like you've got a realistic sense of what is happening, how to protect yourself & kids & great control over enacting changes in your life. I don't think you're 'wrong' at all about setting & keeping to your boundaries.
It's always amazing to me to hear stories of someone throwing away their sobriety after so many years! I don't know if I'll ever understand that or be completely prepared for it to possibly happen with AH?! (I know, I can't control it & wouldn't want to
)
This part stood out to me:
I can definitely relate to having grown tremendously since our relationship started over 19 yrs ago..... while he seems to have stopped maturing at some point. A lot of who he *thinks* I am is based on his perceptions which he shaped to make himself look/feel good & not based on who/what I really AM. It had to be that way in his mind, otherwise he would have had to accept responsibility. That way, I was "bad" too.
One of the most outrageous examples was when he tried to tell me how I was the MOST negative person & how that drove him out of his mind. Um, really? 'Cuz I practically teach classes on staying positive & everyone I know personally & professionally remark about my positivity. Clients sometimes call me just to talk because they say they always feel better & have a better perspective after the conversation. Me, negative? Ha! I laughed in his face, I couldn't help it! :rotfxko
It's always amazing to me to hear stories of someone throwing away their sobriety after so many years! I don't know if I'll ever understand that or be completely prepared for it to possibly happen with AH?! (I know, I can't control it & wouldn't want to
)This part stood out to me:
I have grown up since he married the child bride! And, he doesn't like what he sees.
One of the most outrageous examples was when he tried to tell me how I was the MOST negative person & how that drove him out of his mind. Um, really? 'Cuz I practically teach classes on staying positive & everyone I know personally & professionally remark about my positivity. Clients sometimes call me just to talk because they say they always feel better & have a better perspective after the conversation. Me, negative? Ha! I laughed in his face, I couldn't help it! :rotfxko
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 84
Coffeeclouds, I can so relate.... My AH also tells me, "your so negative and thoughtless, You never put me first." Apparently I become a different person in his presence. I also am a sahm for the time being, thinking of starting my own buisness. I have four young kids.
The whole "supportive because your my wife," also rings a bell. My AH says, "all I need is you to help me," "if you would just talk to me I wouldn't have any problems." Oh, please... Where do they get this crap from huh?
Your doing great. I'm thinking you have talked to your kids about how dad is sick? It really helped at my house when my kids felt OK with talking to me about their dad's crazy behavior. Good Luck.
The whole "supportive because your my wife," also rings a bell. My AH says, "all I need is you to help me," "if you would just talk to me I wouldn't have any problems." Oh, please... Where do they get this crap from huh?
Your doing great. I'm thinking you have talked to your kids about how dad is sick? It really helped at my house when my kids felt OK with talking to me about their dad's crazy behavior. Good Luck.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Wahine 
The whole "supportive because your my wife," also rings a bell. My AH says, "all I need is you to help me," "if you would just talk to me I wouldn't have any problems." Oh, please... Where do they get this crap from huh?
Facing the truth (that THEY have a problem) is too much for most alcoholics to bear... so to cope with all that ickiness... they deflect. My AH was the master of it. He used to call me his Saving Grace. It sounded so nice initially to me... fed right into my co-dependent need to fix/help everyone!
The problem is... it was him DUMPING all his **** on me. Suddenly, it became MY FAULT that he drank too much. If I hadn't stopped him from pouring that last drink. If I had reminded him that he wanted to get sober. If I hadn't made that snippish comment about him drinking. If I hadn't rolled my eyes. If I hadn't farted. If I had left the toilet seat up. If only I had hopped on one leg while whistling dixie....
See how insane it is?
Don't take it personally. It's not unique to you and your alcoholic loved one. It's the disease of alcoholism. It certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it really helped me figure out how to escape from the dance.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. God, that makes me want to cry. It never fails to devastate me that all the time and effort and personal growth still can't protect us from this disease.
NO.
You grew, he didn't, and you're entitled to a relationship with a grown-up.
Just do the next right thing. You sound like you're confident, clear-headed, and on your way.
So, am I wrong for setting these boundaries and for telling him what they are?
I have grown up since he married the child bride! And, he doesn't like what he sees.
Just do the next right thing. You sound like you're confident, clear-headed, and on your way.
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Location: New York, NY
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Anyway, tonight he told me it wasn't fair that we didn't answer when he called earlier today (we just sat down to lunch- therefore being disrupted) because he wants to talk to them and he has limited times to do so.
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I did ask if he wanted to have the "fairness" discussion. He said yes, I told him I wasn't going to bother. I know it is pointless. I am amazed (why?) that I have heard no remorse, no repentance, no taking of responsibility. He "understands" these things, but is really really sick.
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