owathu

Thanks so much everyone for your heartfelt replies. He has gotten worse. I saw him walking down the street about an hour ago with this new woman. The bar he goes to is across the street and for some reason I decided to look out the window, and there they were strolling leisurely down the street from the gas station.

I called him, and he didn't answer until he obviously found a space away from her. I told him that I saw them and what the hell is going on. And he goes to me: Are you mad?

I said, yes I am mad, I am angry in fact I am so angry I am shaking. I said I will not live like this and be humiliated this way and that he can go do whatever the hell he wants because I am leaving. I will not live like this.

SO here I am now, shaking and crying and he is still there with her across the street.

Learn2Live

I am sorry, owathu. I know there are no words to make the pain go away. Just keep reading and posting here. Know that it is NOT YOU. Misery loves company and I assure you she is as miserable as he. Keep your head up. Walk with dignity. Surround yourself with supportive, loving people. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, you should go too.

LifeRecovery

Hugs to you in this tough time.

This is not easy, but I can say it gets easier.

I was in a similar position coming up on two years ago. I found Al-Anon helpful with both the alcohol use and dealing with an affair (I think it was learning detachment).

ShootingStar1

Owathu, you have great courage to take a decisive stand, and I applaud you. I have been posting since June, and I left my AH July 4th after 19 years.

While I loved (and in some ways still love) him, with the perspective that starts to come from being out of the crazy making alcoholic chaos, I am realizing how much of myself, my spirit, was subdued and how in many ways I was broken.

I wish I had had the insight that you have as a newlywed, and had taken action then. My AH and I certainly had many wonderful moments together, but when I weigh it all out, the devastation that I've suffered was not worth the bits of pleasure. I have suffered quite a bit of emotional damage, and it is going to take some real time and some real work to heal.

Trust yourself, your intuition is good. You are still whole enough to see what is going on, and reject it and choose yourself and a healthy life.

Keep posting, even when you are overwhelmed by the immensity of your decision to divorce him. Beyond being an alcoholic, he sounds like a manipulator who is abusive. That combination is big trouble. It will get worse as he becomes emboldened and you become subdued. Read some of my posts in the last weeks, and you'll see what happened to me.

So sorry that it is all so difficult for you right now. You have lots of friends here, and they have been incredibly supportive and insightful for me when I most needed it the world.

BothSidesNow

Tuffgirl

Good God, has your husband seriously slipped a cog or two? I mean, come on, he is blatantly flaunting another woman in front of your face. Does he really think this is how marriage works?

I hope you do divorce him. Obviously he has no respect for you.

People never cease to amaze me. *Shakes head*

LabLoverOneSon

Sending you peace, light and love...

Eight Ball

Hi Owathu,

Angry is good. Anger was good for me, it allowed me to leave. Up until I got angry, I was stuck, always waiting for the good husband to return (which he did often). My anger turned from anger with my AH to anger with myself for putting up with what I did and staying as long as I did, that anger gave me strength.

Alcoholic marriage breakdowns are so hard to deal with, so upsetting, so please look after yourself and do something nice for yourself. Can you leave or plan to leave?

My life slowly improved but quite dramatically once I made the descision to leave and left. It will for you too. In the meantime be kind to yourself, keep posting and reading, we all empathise and are here for support and to be supportive.

owathu

I just wanted to update. He is obviously not home and apparently left with her, as both their cars are gone from the lot. I feel like such an ******* for walking by and seeing what is going on. This is not fair. I am a good person, and I do not deserve this.

I am sure he is probably having sex with her as I type. It hurts like a bitch. I mean, really really hurts. I am also astounded that the man who told me this morning he loved me, is now who knows where with some person, some person he met less than a week ago. This person, who stood in front of his 100 year old minister father and vowed to be true to me a year ago, is now sleeping with someone else. Are there ever any consequences for these people, or do they just go flitting through life as if nothing bad ever happned? Why am I the one, the faithful true one having to feel the pain? It's not fair.

sweetteewalls

Ugh. I feel your pain. My AH took up with a young girl who enables him the week he left our home. It hurts like hell and your mind is racing I am sure. Just try to keep busy. Try to have a friend over. Post on here...just remember, she's not getting a healthy good man. Focus on YOU. You do not deserve this...

owathu

Wanted to update. He hasn't been home yet and he called me while I was at work all pissy with me. Like, his drinking and cheating are 100% my fault. He said, do you want a divorce. I asked him what he thought? He said yes and that he called an Attorney this morning and it costs 1600 bucks. I said that I am not paying for it as he did this, not me. He got even more mad at me and I let him know that I am at work and we can discuss this later as it is disrupting my day.

I spoke with my Manager today and let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave because emotionally I am about to break down. He said, take the time you need, just keep me posted. I don't know, in some small way I wanted him to be apologetic and regretful. Him calling me at work was childish as he knew it would disrupt my day.

I am standing firm in my resolve to move out. I am staying with my sister tonight and moving back into my condo that we have on the market. I am so angry with him and sad for him at the same time. He would rather drink than feel any sort of emotion. it's mind boggling to me. Jumping into this new woman thing, I am so speechless. A bar fly. That he met 7 days ago. I am shell-shocked to say the least.

Even if he apologized, I would still have to leave as he isn't doing anything about the big elephant in the room, his drinking. It's killing me and I keep going over and over in my head about this weekend, what if I just ignored it, what if I just shut up. I feel guilty, and he is the one who cheated on my. In front of my face. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't make him stop drinking, but I can stop the insanity I am living with, and I have to do it. I need to care about me more than him, and I haven't been caring about me for a long long time. Sigh. This sucks. I wish he would just get help! Just do it!!!!

marie1960

Why would he get help owathu ? He is doing exactly what he pleases.

I am truly sorry for the betrayal and pain you are currently living

I have heard it said here "We give the disease to much credit." We never can really know if its the disease affecting his thinking, or in some cases you could take away the alcohol and he would still be a lying, cheating, louse.

You are worthy of so much more than he can offer. He did this in front of you, as disgusting as it is, he sure has made it easier for you. I find cheating to be a dealbreaker.

I am glad you have your condo to return to live in. May your condo be your tranquil harbor, away from the insanity.

Please keep posting, we will be here for you.

Tuffgirl

First of all, I am sorry that you are in this situation, and I know its very painful. However, this paragraph jumped out at me, because even if he "got help", you may just be dealing with an inconsiderate, disrespectful a-hole. Sure, maybe he wasn't like this before...mine wasn't either...but in recovery he may still be a cheater, only chasing girls around the rooms of AA instead of the local bar. Mine was a mean, blame shifting, disrespectful drunk. Now he
is all of it only sober. And apparently religious too, as I got quoted scriptures as the reason why we are divorcing...God called upon my stbx to be "free".

So just getting help isn't always the answer, either. Sometimes, people are just plain old a-holes.

Taking some well deserved space away from this is a great idea! You don't need to do anything more drastic than that right now. Just move away and take some time to deal with your emotions and clear your head.

Take good care,
~T

Hypatia

As others have written, please don't assume that the cheating is somehow connected with the drinking. As far as I can tell, my AH has never cheated on me. Heck, he spends most of his time drinking in the basement and then passed out on the easy chair here in the living room. Can't imagine how AH could carry on a secret affair when he can barely make it down the steps to the basement.

It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but you seem to be responding very appropriately. Thank goodness that you still have that condo! Makes it a little easier to already have a refuge to escape to. Take things one step at a time and eventually you will get to a better place.

Pondlady

Yes - thank goodness you still have your condo - your haven.

Seren

I'm so glad you hear that you still have some place to call your own. You deserve much better treatment than this man is apparently capable of. I know this all hurts, I've been there. It was incredibly brave, and strong of you to stand up for yourself! Many hugs and prayers for peace in the future!!

djayr

owathu --

Sorry for your situation. I am compelled to write because I feel your pain. A lot. The combination of alcoholism and infidelity is devastating. I know some people are saying the cheating and the booze are 2 separate things, I don't know. It makes me feel better to think that AW wouldn't be cheating if she wasn't a drunk.

I like to call it, "poor decision making".

That feeling of WHY!?! doesn't the A just get some help -- don't they see they are destroying themselves, their marriage, and everything in their life? If only, if only, if only.

I went through a difficult and expensive legal separation in 2011 and I still talk to AW. It's been a year and a half since I first found the text messages to another man (more than one actually), saying "I love you", all gushy, yuck. The main point I want to make is that a whole year and half later, everything still sucks, she's still drinking, still unfaithful, basically as blanked-up as ever!

My reaction (besides searing pain and sadness): THANK GOD I am legally separated. I think I am finally, finally, ready to move on from my 17 year marriage.

I am thinking of converting my legal separation to a divorce (I can do that after 12 months, which will be Nov 2012), forcing the sale of our co-owned suburban house where she lives, and telling her to hit the bleeping road! I mean, this is ridiculous, it hurts, it's not getting better, I feel like a sucker/doormat/punching bag and this is getting really old.

Everyone has their own way of getting from point A to point B -- I think for a people pleasing codie like me, it's just extra hard, because I have been worried about avoiding conflict and having her "like me", as pathetic as that sound. But it's just making everything more difficult.

Most people in my life are like: "move on!" But I am always keeping a door open - if only, if only, if only.

Before I get too hard on myself, I do find comfort in the freedom and peace that comes from being legally and financially separated -- at least I got that part out of the way, now it's all just emotional baggage, co-dependence, over-attachment, the whole ball of wax.

Hang in there, be good to yourself, keep trying to do things you like with people you like, say your prayers, and the decisions you need to make (and the paths you need to take) will literally reveal themselves one step at a time.

All the best . . .

LifeRecovery

I personally don't know if cheating and problem drinking are related, except in this way.

They both made me nuts when my husband participated in them.

I got boundaries quicker with the affair though, and started to get healing from the alcohol use that had been present the whole time in our five year marriage (limited alcohol use prior). I don't know if it was because I had something to push against in the affair in a way that I did not with the alcohol use, or if it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Neither was fun, neither is easy. I can say though I have a ways to go I have come a long way....and I know you can too.

I did a lot of reading, got a lot of support and used the Three Cs like crazy on both.
I did not cause it
I could not control it
I could not cure it.

Hugs to you.