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Join Date: Jul 2012
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New here
But I'm not new to living with an addict.
My AXH - soon to be X, I hope, has been hanging around for the last 23 years.
He has been to detox twice and came straight out drinking a beer. Even smoked pot while in detox. He made some really fun friends in detox, they were addicted to heroin.
The first time I asked AXH to leave he went on a drunken rampage. When he nodded off, I went to bed. I woke up hours later to the cops in my house doing a welfare check on him. I was groggy due to being woken up at 2am so I didn't understand what was going on. AXH had phoned all his relatives to say goodbye as he was going to kill himself. I discovered this later when I followed the cops around my house - the cops said I wasn't allowed to follow them but I told them it was my house and I didn't understand why they were here and I hadn't done anything wrong so I was going to follow them. That's when I saw the noose they were looking for... what a lovely thing for my children to wake up to, if he actually had done it.
The second time I asked AXH to leave he got drunker and more drug affected. He played music at full volume and started to throw himself into walls with his head. I called the cops that time. They took him away. Such a relief, until he returned 6 hours later in a cab because the psych ward wouldn't have him. Cops charged him with nothing.
When I tell him he is abusive and drunk and drugged he slurs at me: "You drink as much if not MORE than me!" - I might have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, but it doesn't give me violent diarrhoea every day nor prevent me from going to work or caring for the children.
He has diarrhoea every day. When he wakes up he coughs and coughs and I can hear him trying to stifle the vomit. His hands shake like an elderly man, yet he is only 45.
He has had two drunk driving arrests in the last 15 years.
All the advice I ever get from people is to leave him. Emotionally, I have. But I ain't leaving my house. I paid for this house. I pay all the bills. I haven't done anything to warrant my leaving. I have held down the jobs while he drank and drugged the day away. It's his turn to walk on eggshells and feel scared.
He is so bad now that he has a permanent "flu". He is always sick with a "cold" or a "flu" or a "sore tummy".
Yesterday he started drinking at 11.00am. Then he went to a club in the afternoon and continued to drink. Came home at about 5.00pm. Drank and smoked pot until 12.30 am today. He also played music on my computer and screeched (he calls it singing along) and played the "drums" - bashing on my computer desk until 12.30am. I took a video of it. He was so out of it he didn't notice me videoing him.
At 4.00am I woke up to his drunken sleep talking. He was yelling at me at the top of his voice to "SHUT THE F@#$ UP, I AM TRYING TO MOVE FURNITURE!" OK.
At 11am today he got up. I took the children to sport. When we got home at 4.00pm he wasn't home. He got home at 5.00pm totally smashed. From my calculations he has been drunk for the last 72 plus hours.
For the last few hours he was been trying to engage me in a drunken conversation about how much he totally loves me and alternatively, (and very loudly so the children can hear), "I wish I was f@#$ing DEAD, you'd like it if I were dead. I should just kill myself. You used to love me. You know you are still an attractive woman. Who are you sleeping with? Making love is what normal people do. You haven't made love to me for 3 years. That Olympian would be OK if she had bigger ****. Why won't you make love to me? You're such a f@#$ing bitch. Don't you DARE turn the children against me!" etc etc etc. He also like to use the C word about me when he knows the kids can hear.
All I have said, like I am on repeat is: "You are drunk and drugged. You are verbally abusing me. I am not discussing this with you." Earlier tonight he passed out for a bit. Woke up stumbled over to and opened the fridge. Vacantly looked into the fridge. Closed it. Opened and spilled onto the floor two drawers in the kitchen. Opened the pantry and managed to drop glass bottles of sauce on the floor.
I just checked, he has passed out again.
I'm afraid to sleep. He has drunkenly set the house on fire in the past. I now sleep with my underwear on underneath my night clothes so I can jump up and throw proper clothes on if I need to evacuate myself and the children. When he drunkenly set the house on fire last time I found it difficult to run outside with barely anything on, so now I make sure I'm prepared. I make sure I have my purse and my phone next to my bed and some jeans and a top to grab as I run out so I can make a speedy getaway wearing clothes.
Does anyone have any idea as to why I won't "make love" to him?
When he's totally smitten by a bong, pot and a cardboard box of wine? I can't imagine why?
My AXH - soon to be X, I hope, has been hanging around for the last 23 years.
He has been to detox twice and came straight out drinking a beer. Even smoked pot while in detox. He made some really fun friends in detox, they were addicted to heroin.
The first time I asked AXH to leave he went on a drunken rampage. When he nodded off, I went to bed. I woke up hours later to the cops in my house doing a welfare check on him. I was groggy due to being woken up at 2am so I didn't understand what was going on. AXH had phoned all his relatives to say goodbye as he was going to kill himself. I discovered this later when I followed the cops around my house - the cops said I wasn't allowed to follow them but I told them it was my house and I didn't understand why they were here and I hadn't done anything wrong so I was going to follow them. That's when I saw the noose they were looking for... what a lovely thing for my children to wake up to, if he actually had done it.
The second time I asked AXH to leave he got drunker and more drug affected. He played music at full volume and started to throw himself into walls with his head. I called the cops that time. They took him away. Such a relief, until he returned 6 hours later in a cab because the psych ward wouldn't have him. Cops charged him with nothing.
When I tell him he is abusive and drunk and drugged he slurs at me: "You drink as much if not MORE than me!" - I might have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, but it doesn't give me violent diarrhoea every day nor prevent me from going to work or caring for the children.
He has diarrhoea every day. When he wakes up he coughs and coughs and I can hear him trying to stifle the vomit. His hands shake like an elderly man, yet he is only 45.
He has had two drunk driving arrests in the last 15 years.
All the advice I ever get from people is to leave him. Emotionally, I have. But I ain't leaving my house. I paid for this house. I pay all the bills. I haven't done anything to warrant my leaving. I have held down the jobs while he drank and drugged the day away. It's his turn to walk on eggshells and feel scared.
He is so bad now that he has a permanent "flu". He is always sick with a "cold" or a "flu" or a "sore tummy".
Yesterday he started drinking at 11.00am. Then he went to a club in the afternoon and continued to drink. Came home at about 5.00pm. Drank and smoked pot until 12.30 am today. He also played music on my computer and screeched (he calls it singing along) and played the "drums" - bashing on my computer desk until 12.30am. I took a video of it. He was so out of it he didn't notice me videoing him.
At 4.00am I woke up to his drunken sleep talking. He was yelling at me at the top of his voice to "SHUT THE F@#$ UP, I AM TRYING TO MOVE FURNITURE!" OK.
At 11am today he got up. I took the children to sport. When we got home at 4.00pm he wasn't home. He got home at 5.00pm totally smashed. From my calculations he has been drunk for the last 72 plus hours.
For the last few hours he was been trying to engage me in a drunken conversation about how much he totally loves me and alternatively, (and very loudly so the children can hear), "I wish I was f@#$ing DEAD, you'd like it if I were dead. I should just kill myself. You used to love me. You know you are still an attractive woman. Who are you sleeping with? Making love is what normal people do. You haven't made love to me for 3 years. That Olympian would be OK if she had bigger ****. Why won't you make love to me? You're such a f@#$ing bitch. Don't you DARE turn the children against me!" etc etc etc. He also like to use the C word about me when he knows the kids can hear.
All I have said, like I am on repeat is: "You are drunk and drugged. You are verbally abusing me. I am not discussing this with you." Earlier tonight he passed out for a bit. Woke up stumbled over to and opened the fridge. Vacantly looked into the fridge. Closed it. Opened and spilled onto the floor two drawers in the kitchen. Opened the pantry and managed to drop glass bottles of sauce on the floor.
I just checked, he has passed out again.
I'm afraid to sleep. He has drunkenly set the house on fire in the past. I now sleep with my underwear on underneath my night clothes so I can jump up and throw proper clothes on if I need to evacuate myself and the children. When he drunkenly set the house on fire last time I found it difficult to run outside with barely anything on, so now I make sure I'm prepared. I make sure I have my purse and my phone next to my bed and some jeans and a top to grab as I run out so I can make a speedy getaway wearing clothes.
Does anyone have any idea as to why I won't "make love" to him?
When he's totally smitten by a bong, pot and a cardboard box of wine? I can't imagine why?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
LuLu, thank you so much for sharing. It truly helps me. Have you considered divorce? This is no way to live. Your children are being severely affected living and growing up with such toxicity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Neither you or your children deserve to be living in this hell.
I am saying this gently, but.....
You are the sober and responsible parent. Your children are depending on you. Currently, your house is not a home. How two consenting adults choose to live their life is their business, but your children are innocent, they did not choose to live like this.
May you find the strength to get you and your kids to a better place. Children are a product of their environment. The house you refuse to leave is going to consume ALL of you.
Please seek immediate help for your and your kids.
Sending you strength.
I am saying this gently, but.....
You are the sober and responsible parent. Your children are depending on you. Currently, your house is not a home. How two consenting adults choose to live their life is their business, but your children are innocent, they did not choose to live like this.
May you find the strength to get you and your kids to a better place. Children are a product of their environment. The house you refuse to leave is going to consume ALL of you.
Please seek immediate help for your and your kids.
Sending you strength.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Lulu39 
But I'm not new to living with an addict.
My AXH - soon to be X, I hope...
....
All the advice I ever get from people is to leave him. Emotionally, I have. But I ain't leaving my house. I paid for this house. I pay all the bills. I haven't done anything to warrant my leaving. I have held down the jobs while he drank and drugged the day away. It's his turn to walk on eggshells and feel scared.
My AXH - soon to be X, I hope...
....
All the advice I ever get from people is to leave him. Emotionally, I have. But I ain't leaving my house. I paid for this house. I pay all the bills. I haven't done anything to warrant my leaving. I have held down the jobs while he drank and drugged the day away. It's his turn to walk on eggshells and feel scared.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Lulu39, welcome to SR. I am sorry your initial thread got hijacked. This isn't a usual happening here...but your post may have touched a nerve in others'. I hope you keep coming back.
That said, one of the great things I have learned here are the three C's: We don't cause them to drink or use, we can't control it, and we can't cure them of it.
Your husband sounds out of control. Do you really want to continue on this ride? With your family being dragged behind you?
I highly recommend a few books: Under the Influence is a good one to help understand how the addicted mind works. Codependent No More is a great book for those of us who love addicts.
Keep reading, keep posting; education is very empowering!
Take good care,
~T
That said, one of the great things I have learned here are the three C's: We don't cause them to drink or use, we can't control it, and we can't cure them of it.
Your husband sounds out of control. Do you really want to continue on this ride? With your family being dragged behind you?
I highly recommend a few books: Under the Influence is a good one to help understand how the addicted mind works. Codependent No More is a great book for those of us who love addicts.
Keep reading, keep posting; education is very empowering!
Take good care,
~T
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Lulu!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
One of the first concepts I learned when I came here were the 3 C's of my husbands addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can't Control it
I won't Cure it
I kept trying to get him to understand how his drinking was affecting us, but he didn't hear or understand anything I said. It took some time to wrap my head around that concept and give the responsibility of the addiction to the adult with the problem: him.
I also needed to share that concept with my children. Three years since my divorce and I still needed to remind my 16 year old that she did not cause the separation of our family. It was not her fault.
Another thing I learned is that Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse.
I found ways to cope with the situation by reading in the permanent posts listed at the top of this page. Those posts are referred to as Sticky Posts. The stickies contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom. Here is a link to a sticky post that contains steps which helped me when I followed each step:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
One of the first concepts I learned when I came here were the 3 C's of my husbands addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can't Control it
I won't Cure it
I kept trying to get him to understand how his drinking was affecting us, but he didn't hear or understand anything I said. It took some time to wrap my head around that concept and give the responsibility of the addiction to the adult with the problem: him.
I also needed to share that concept with my children. Three years since my divorce and I still needed to remind my 16 year old that she did not cause the separation of our family. It was not her fault.
Another thing I learned is that Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse.
I found ways to cope with the situation by reading in the permanent posts listed at the top of this page. Those posts are referred to as Sticky Posts. The stickies contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom. Here is a link to a sticky post that contains steps which helped me when I followed each step:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Lulu, it sounds like it's your turn and your children's turn to be the focus of your own lives, to be able to create and sustain a healthy, happy, peaceful way of life.
This situation is breath-takingly awful, and I am amazed and sobered that you all have lived this so far.
What AH is doing is beyond abusive, it is scary, and you don't have to live in such turmoil and apprehension about what he might do next.
Have you talked to a lawyer? It isn't necessarily true that you would lose your house. It may be that with a restraining order against your AH, he would be prohibited from coming near you, your children and your house. If you don't have a lawyer, try finding a domestic violence resource near you.
I left my AH earlier this month, and with each day that passes, I realize how much worse the situation was than I understood when I was in it. Find a way to step back from the intensity of the chaotic moments that your AH is creating, and get some perspective on what normal is, and how abnormal the way you're living is.
I say that kindly, and out of great concern that something even worse will happen if you don't get this handled.
Keep posting, I've found the people here incredibly supportive, and incredibly wise.
BothSidesNow
This situation is breath-takingly awful, and I am amazed and sobered that you all have lived this so far.
What AH is doing is beyond abusive, it is scary, and you don't have to live in such turmoil and apprehension about what he might do next.
Have you talked to a lawyer? It isn't necessarily true that you would lose your house. It may be that with a restraining order against your AH, he would be prohibited from coming near you, your children and your house. If you don't have a lawyer, try finding a domestic violence resource near you.
I left my AH earlier this month, and with each day that passes, I realize how much worse the situation was than I understood when I was in it. Find a way to step back from the intensity of the chaotic moments that your AH is creating, and get some perspective on what normal is, and how abnormal the way you're living is.
I say that kindly, and out of great concern that something even worse will happen if you don't get this handled.
Keep posting, I've found the people here incredibly supportive, and incredibly wise.
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Welcome and best wishes ...all I could think about the whole time I read this was your kids. My heart breaks for you Lulu, but I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it would be to grow up in what you describe. I think your storywill be helpful to all who read it for one reason or another, and I hope your experience on here helps strengthen your resolve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by marie1960
You don't have to attend alanon to be able to look in a mirror!
Sorry do not mean to hijack LuLu39 post.
I'm out........
Sorry do not mean to hijack LuLu39 post.
I'm out........
Also, I did see the first two responses to my post which have since been deleted. I'd like to say a great big thank you to the people who posted those deleted responses because your nastiness made it very, very clear why I don't need to be around people like you or my ass-hole of a husband any longer.
Someone, me, posts the truth according to them, so you attack and make it all about you and point scoring? Thanks but no thanks. Living with a drunkard and a drug abuser who abuses me both verbally, emotionally and financially I know your type too well.
Did you see yourself in my post? Did it make you uncomfortable? Was that why you chose to attack almost as soon as I posted my first post? I ******* hope so. Get yourself a ******* mirror.
I am a victim of domestic abuse, violence, alcoholism and addiction. When I post looking for some support, I won't take **** from you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
LuLu, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It brought back some really horrible memories for me. I remember living with the threat of suicide. Wondering when I was going to wake up in the morning to find my husband hanging in the garage.
I wish I had some sparkling words of wisdom for you.
The one thing you might want to consider is getting a restraining order. That would allow you to keep your home and get him out of it. You shouldn't have to live that way. You deserve to have a happy life.
Calling a dv hotline might help you find out what your options are. You didn't mention physical abuse (that I saw) but you are certainly experiencing verbal/emotional abuse.
Also, i know that as a mother it can be really hard to hear that we are doing things that hurt our children. However, please try to remember that being exposed to this kind of abuse will have adverse affects on them. Perhaps if you are unable to do something based on how it affects you, you might find the strength to do it based on how it affects them.
Many hugs and prayers for you and yours.
I wish I had some sparkling words of wisdom for you.
The one thing you might want to consider is getting a restraining order. That would allow you to keep your home and get him out of it. You shouldn't have to live that way. You deserve to have a happy life.
Calling a dv hotline might help you find out what your options are. You didn't mention physical abuse (that I saw) but you are certainly experiencing verbal/emotional abuse.
Also, i know that as a mother it can be really hard to hear that we are doing things that hurt our children. However, please try to remember that being exposed to this kind of abuse will have adverse affects on them. Perhaps if you are unable to do something based on how it affects you, you might find the strength to do it based on how it affects them.
Many hugs and prayers for you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Please Stick Around
Lulu, like you, I am a newbie to this Forum. And, I've found through reading many, many posts, that the general community is: loving, kind, and supportive. Please remember that, and ignore those whose agendas are different.
Remember also that everyone has a bad day, some days are more bad for more people, and unfortunately in this 'anonymous'-type environment, it's sometimes easy to lash out because they are not accountable. Am I excusing their crass behaviour? Not at all. Just saying that the majority of people here are good, and they have been a tremendous help to many others.
Remember also that everyone has a bad day, some days are more bad for more people, and unfortunately in this 'anonymous'-type environment, it's sometimes easy to lash out because they are not accountable. Am I excusing their crass behaviour? Not at all. Just saying that the majority of people here are good, and they have been a tremendous help to many others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by painfully
Also, i know that as a mother it can be really hard to hear that we are doing things that hurt our children. However, please try to remember that being exposed to this kind of abuse will have adverse affects on them. Perhaps if you are unable to do something based on how it affects you, you might find the strength to do it based on how it affects them.
The eldest child gets it. At 14, he is bigger than his father now. A couple of time he has stood up and told his drunkard father ENOUGH.
They have heard enough in the last couple of months to know that I am not going to take this **** any longer.
The funniest thing was when their drunkard father was giving me a screaming lecture about how he was leaving but I wasn't allowed to speak to the children about it. The children were in the next room:
"I am happy to leave. I always wanted to **** Susie and now I will be able to do so. But I'm NOT leaving in penury. Do you know what penury is? I am NOT leaving in penury. If you don't know what penury is I suggest you google it. I should've ****** Susie when I had the chance. You are such a bitch. What a **** you are. I am NOT LEAVING IN PENURY! DO YOU HEAR ME!"
He forgot that the kids heard every word he said, being in the next room and all... but it's my fault for not telling them gently that he would be leaving.
BTW, Susie is a woman he had a crush on 18 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child who died. He still wants to **** Susie, I just wish he would hurry up and do it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lulu, I posted something on your thread and it was deleted. If I said anything inappropriate or hurtful, I am sorry and I apologize. I hope you will stick around here on SR because you can get a lot of support here. Sometimes folks post about things that the reader is emotionally triggered by, and their responses may seem hurtful to you but please know that most people here are supportive and try to help.
What you describe you are enduring from the A is horrifying to me and I hope you can get out of that situation.
What you describe you are enduring from the A is horrifying to me and I hope you can get out of that situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Just now reading this thread Lulu.
Do I understand correctly that you are in the process of separating now? I hope I have that right because you and the kids surely need some peace, stability, and safety in your life.
Please stay around. I found the leaving part was harder in some ways then the staying part. My generally very mellow and passive xah went a little ballistic during the leaving part. I had my eye on the prize at the end - freedom from all the stress, pain, resentment, exhaustion, depression, and chaos - and i was not going to be deterred. No doubt it was the most difficult time of my life though.
I was also very confused and depended a lot on SR to help me with that confusion. I also had a counselor that specialized in addictions and that was very helpful. In your case I would highly recommend a call to a domestic violence hotline in your area. You need a safety plan, contacts, IRL support, etc. and they can help with that.
Have you consulted a lawyer already? I wanted my xah to move out. He refused. I went to a lawyer and where I live I could file for divorce and request temporary possession of the house which means he left - with police escort if necessary. I really had no plans to divorce him at that time but I needed him out and that was what I was going to get.
You don't have to have all the answers - just do the next right thing.
Do I understand correctly that you are in the process of separating now? I hope I have that right because you and the kids surely need some peace, stability, and safety in your life.
Please stay around. I found the leaving part was harder in some ways then the staying part. My generally very mellow and passive xah went a little ballistic during the leaving part. I had my eye on the prize at the end - freedom from all the stress, pain, resentment, exhaustion, depression, and chaos - and i was not going to be deterred. No doubt it was the most difficult time of my life though.
I was also very confused and depended a lot on SR to help me with that confusion. I also had a counselor that specialized in addictions and that was very helpful. In your case I would highly recommend a call to a domestic violence hotline in your area. You need a safety plan, contacts, IRL support, etc. and they can help with that.
Have you consulted a lawyer already? I wanted my xah to move out. He refused. I went to a lawyer and where I live I could file for divorce and request temporary possession of the house which means he left - with police escort if necessary. I really had no plans to divorce him at that time but I needed him out and that was what I was going to get.
You don't have to have all the answers - just do the next right thing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I was able to keep temporary possession of our marital home ~ and my name wasn't on the mortgage or deed.
I had two free consultations with lawyers. Each consultation had different outcomes. Therefore, I recommend at least two free consultations to find out what your rights are in your community and how the judges tend to rule in your area. Getting this information helped me formulate an exit strategy.
Sending you encouragement and support as you find your path to serenity.
I had two free consultations with lawyers. Each consultation had different outcomes. Therefore, I recommend at least two free consultations to find out what your rights are in your community and how the judges tend to rule in your area. Getting this information helped me formulate an exit strategy.
Sending you encouragement and support as you find your path to serenity.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hello Lulu,
What I see in you is amazing strength, and from what you have posted is your standard response to your AH, beyond amazing composure and self-control.
I think you suffer from what I suffered from. Amazing endurance. I'm not so sure anymore that amazing endurance is a good thing. I left, divorced, and have found that there's a sane life out there--millions of people are living it (to some degree) and it's been there all along--All I had to do was decide to live it.
For me, that meant to stop living with the insanity of an active alcoholic. I may never understand why he made the choice to be one, but I no longer wonder. It's simply not my job in life to understand it, and that burden off my shoulders relieved me of perceived responsibility to be understanding. I don't need to understand, and I don't need to be understanding. It relieved me of my own madness.
You can set yourself free, is what I am trying to say. Really free. Like soaring happiness free.
The alcoholic will never do that for you.
What I see in you is amazing strength, and from what you have posted is your standard response to your AH, beyond amazing composure and self-control.
I think you suffer from what I suffered from. Amazing endurance. I'm not so sure anymore that amazing endurance is a good thing. I left, divorced, and have found that there's a sane life out there--millions of people are living it (to some degree) and it's been there all along--All I had to do was decide to live it.
For me, that meant to stop living with the insanity of an active alcoholic. I may never understand why he made the choice to be one, but I no longer wonder. It's simply not my job in life to understand it, and that burden off my shoulders relieved me of perceived responsibility to be understanding. I don't need to understand, and I don't need to be understanding. It relieved me of my own madness.
You can set yourself free, is what I am trying to say. Really free. Like soaring happiness free.
The alcoholic will never do that for you.
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