SettingSunset

I hope I can find the responses to my post. I am new at this. My son is in rehab (as an inmate for DUI3). His wife asked us to have the kids for a couple weeks while she travels for work. First comment - WE WANT TO SEE OUR GRANDCHILDREN. Second comment - Having them during our busy work period is difficult jockeying our schedules, but doable. Third - I want to write a letter to our son in rehab saying -- Wife asked us to take the kids for two weeks which starts the day you have your court appearnce. You may be released and if you are -- are you coming here with the kids? or are you going to care for the kids at home?

If you aren't released...we will have the kids at our house and work through the work schedule some how.

I want to have our grandchildren. I am unhappy we are 'used' rather than thoughtful visits. Wife has always manipulated situations. Son is doing that, also. Sober, he didn't. Neither one shows any gratitude either.

Bottom line is I want the grandchildren to visit. It will be very difficult and tiring for us but want to see and hug them.

Should I involve son in rehab or just move forward and just let Wife know we will take the kids for the two weeks? I will not be a happy camper if son is released, we have the kids, and he is at the house alone with his feet up. I will feel abused! Because he is their dad, they love him dearly... I am feeling he should be involved in this decision....partly because he may be released that day.

Any thoughts?

Daily, everything is o.k. I am working at not enabling.

Learn2Live

My advice is figure out what YOU want for this visitation, for you and the children. Do not expect the A to all of a sudden become a responsible parent or adult simply for the fact that you want or expect him to, or for the fact that any and all other sane adults would think that he should. State what you would like for the A to do but expect nothing from him. Forget that he is lounging around doing nothing while you care for his children.

Or, if he is released drop the children off with him and do not expect normal visitation where the parent is parenting and not manipulating you.

Hypatia

Is is possible that the mother is concerned about leaving her children alone with an alcoholic for two weeks?

albionel

Bottom line, your grandchildren are your son and his wife's responsibility and no one else's. I think that is A LOT to ask a grandparent, to watch their grandkids for a couple WEEKS?? What would this woman do if you were unavailable? Who would watch her children then? I think you need to separate your son and his wife from your grandkids. You love your grandkids, you want to spend time with them, so do it, this time. I would not make a habit of this...Your son and his wife need to take care of their own responsibilities.

SettingSunset

I have to think this through. I always have been one to do as they ask (if possible) because otherwise the wife says, "See, your parents don't care about you or the kids." They asked us at one point (8 years ago) "what day can you take our daughter?" They went on to say the wive's mom was taking Mondays. She didn't work full time. both my husband and I worked full time. I put my foot down. I said, "I can't take a day off every week to take care of our grandaughter. what we can do is take her from 4 p.m to 8 p.m. on Wednesdays. That would give you two (unhealthy marriage) time together to do as you want." We gave her dinner, played, bathed, ready for bed and returned her at 8 p.m. As it turned out it was an awesome time with our granddaughter and great memories....many nice memories. Anyhow... I am part of their sick relationship and want a life. I am working on getting a life at 59 years old! I worry about my grandchildren. i am not so worried about our alcoholic son or malevalent DIL.

SettingSunset

Alb- thank you for this advice. I hear what you are saying and know you are correct in your advice. I can't worry about my grandchildren because i can't change anything. I need to take care of myself, live my life and work as a partner with my husband. He is taking all of this very hard. I believe women have a tendency to analyze and try to work through the healing. Men...get sick and then finally seek a solution for healing.