Got a Drunken Lecture Last Night about how I have let the family down!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Got a Drunken Lecture Last Night about how I have let the family down!!
I am so mad today! Mad sad, angry and at times indifferent.
Was given the silent treatment all day yesterday after his drunken crap the night before. As if I were the one to do something wrong!!
He took the kids swimming and went out and about with them which was good and I caught up on some much needed sleep having being woken by the drunken fool atleast 6 times the night before.......I had to work yesterday morning too so was totally exhausted....anyway.....must get back to the point....
So the night befoe we had watched the Olympics opening ceremony....can you belive AH actually came home from work to watch it with us but as he was so drunk by 10pm he actually missed most of it as went to bed!! He then constantly woke me up during the night bladdy bladdey blah....because HE couldn't settle.....he ended up on the couch thank god!
Anyway last night once he had consummed his fill he decided to come and sit with me and give me a lecture on how "I' had let the family down, how "he" earned all the money and I NEVER contributed.....(I work part time and put well over 100 thousand pounds into the joint pot when I sold my flat a few years ago....oh how I wish I still had that I can tell you!...I have always contibuted ALWAYS!!). He then whilst slurrying and looking glazey eyes and at times couldn't even get the words out properly as he was so drunk....proceeded to bring up an old boyfriend who I was with for five years (??!! I haven't even thought about that boyfriend for YEARS!!)....told me how if he had known various things and that he never would have married me.....on and on it went. I left the room several times only for him to continue on and on and on it went.......and it was all drunked crap....he mentioned how "I" like to control everything....how all our problems are because of what "I" am doing...not doing.....(none of this could possibly be to do with the fact that he drinks two bottles of wine everynight without fail!!)
In the end I really disappointed myself as I lost the plot and said some really awful, terrible things back to him.......was so annoyed with myself for losing it!! as up to the last few minutes I had been cool calm and collective. At this minute I feel much disgust towards him.
Especially as this morning he gets up Singing, laughing and saying "I will just go and make a cup of tea so we can start again and have a beautiful day"......well Like F*** I feel like doing that after his abusive behaviour (verbal), rudeness and generally opting out of family life once again for the week and now that "HE" feels better I am supposed to be lovingly running through poppy fields with him.....I am really really p*** with him right now.
The lease is up on the house we currently rent.....I DON'T want to renew it as I can't bear the thought of living with him any longer. I don't know if I am brave enough not to renew it either...know what I mean?! I def want out of this awful situation. I love him, I hate him......I just needed to vent and get it down here.......
If I dont renew I need to go and find a property tomorrow (I can scrape the deposit together).......I don't know why I am doubting myself......I am a confident strong women, and am not afraid of being a single MUM (I pretty much parent alone anyway!) I moved us to the UK fom Australia 18 months ago as I knew I needed to be near my family. Nothing could be harder than that move! I DON'T want to burden my family with this as My Mum is terminally ill......my Dad has enough to cope with right now. BUT I find myself thinking about how will "HE" manage! Where will "HE" live....etc etc etc......why why why....
This disease SUCKS.......sorry for the ramble....
Thank you for listening - Thank God For you guys and all at SR! - take care Phiz
Was given the silent treatment all day yesterday after his drunken crap the night before. As if I were the one to do something wrong!!
He took the kids swimming and went out and about with them which was good and I caught up on some much needed sleep having being woken by the drunken fool atleast 6 times the night before.......I had to work yesterday morning too so was totally exhausted....anyway.....must get back to the point....
So the night befoe we had watched the Olympics opening ceremony....can you belive AH actually came home from work to watch it with us but as he was so drunk by 10pm he actually missed most of it as went to bed!! He then constantly woke me up during the night bladdy bladdey blah....because HE couldn't settle.....he ended up on the couch thank god!
Anyway last night once he had consummed his fill he decided to come and sit with me and give me a lecture on how "I' had let the family down, how "he" earned all the money and I NEVER contributed.....(I work part time and put well over 100 thousand pounds into the joint pot when I sold my flat a few years ago....oh how I wish I still had that I can tell you!...I have always contibuted ALWAYS!!). He then whilst slurrying and looking glazey eyes and at times couldn't even get the words out properly as he was so drunk....proceeded to bring up an old boyfriend who I was with for five years (??!! I haven't even thought about that boyfriend for YEARS!!)....told me how if he had known various things and that he never would have married me.....on and on it went. I left the room several times only for him to continue on and on and on it went.......and it was all drunked crap....he mentioned how "I" like to control everything....how all our problems are because of what "I" am doing...not doing.....(none of this could possibly be to do with the fact that he drinks two bottles of wine everynight without fail!!)
In the end I really disappointed myself as I lost the plot and said some really awful, terrible things back to him.......was so annoyed with myself for losing it!! as up to the last few minutes I had been cool calm and collective. At this minute I feel much disgust towards him.
Especially as this morning he gets up Singing, laughing and saying "I will just go and make a cup of tea so we can start again and have a beautiful day"......well Like F*** I feel like doing that after his abusive behaviour (verbal), rudeness and generally opting out of family life once again for the week and now that "HE" feels better I am supposed to be lovingly running through poppy fields with him.....I am really really p*** with him right now.
The lease is up on the house we currently rent.....I DON'T want to renew it as I can't bear the thought of living with him any longer. I don't know if I am brave enough not to renew it either...know what I mean?! I def want out of this awful situation. I love him, I hate him......I just needed to vent and get it down here.......
If I dont renew I need to go and find a property tomorrow (I can scrape the deposit together).......I don't know why I am doubting myself......I am a confident strong women, and am not afraid of being a single MUM (I pretty much parent alone anyway!) I moved us to the UK fom Australia 18 months ago as I knew I needed to be near my family. Nothing could be harder than that move! I DON'T want to burden my family with this as My Mum is terminally ill......my Dad has enough to cope with right now. BUT I find myself thinking about how will "HE" manage! Where will "HE" live....etc etc etc......why why why....
This disease SUCKS.......sorry for the ramble....
Thank you for listening - Thank God For you guys and all at SR! - take care Phiz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I just went back to my first ever post here......almost threes years ago.
The story is no different........except we are now back in the UK which I organised.....
Time for me to step forward once again....
The story is no different........except we are now back in the UK which I organised.....
Time for me to step forward once again....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Good morning,
You can do it! You have been so strong staying in the situation. Use the same strength to get your own place!
The second after i told mine not to come home, i felt soo..... strong. It was so hard to say, but i was so proud of myself! It's hard but feels so good at the same time. Liberating. Then the real work can start. the work that is for YOU (and your kiddos).
You can do it! You have been so strong staying in the situation. Use the same strength to get your own place!
The second after i told mine not to come home, i felt soo..... strong. It was so hard to say, but i was so proud of myself! It's hard but feels so good at the same time. Liberating. Then the real work can start. the work that is for YOU (and your kiddos).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You are strong and deserving of peace and will never have it w an untreated, abusive A. If you can scrape together a deposit for a new place, do it! You can always get back together if that's what you decide you want but you can't easily get out of a lease you're stuck in w him if you sign on for another year.
You and your kids (how old are they or is they only one?) deserve to be free if the insanity that is never ending living w an A.
I was terrified of leaving and the ways life would change and the what ifs. But once that decision was made and action taken it was such a relief. XAH will occassionally tell menill wind up alone bc no one will ever want me & I have to laugh bc being alone is HEAVENLY to me and I only wish id done it sooner.
Sending strength and warm thoughts your way
You and your kids (how old are they or is they only one?) deserve to be free if the insanity that is never ending living w an A.
I was terrified of leaving and the ways life would change and the what ifs. But once that decision was made and action taken it was such a relief. XAH will occassionally tell menill wind up alone bc no one will ever want me & I have to laugh bc being alone is HEAVENLY to me and I only wish id done it sooner.
Sending strength and warm thoughts your way
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You know, PHIZ, you are being used as the scapegoat for all the problems and other fallout from his own behavior, thinking, and decisions. You know it is only going to get worse. And you know, the most loving thing you can do for this guy is leave him. Leave him so that he can't use you anymore to blame for the problems. So that he has a chance to actually see HIMSELF.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 13
Amazing I had the same evening last night and every weekend night for the past 3 weeks. Boyfriend was sober for 9 months. ( I broke up with him after 4 years together last august because of his drinking morning to night) I moved away, he went to rehab got sober and I came back to town 2 months into his sobriety, we got back together and for the next 7 months everything was great, we were happy going on dates etc....then we moved in together and the very first night he went to his old hang out and got drunk and drove my car. He said it was a slip up and it wouldn't happen again......well that was 3 weeks ago and now its back to the way it used to be. Every night that he is drunk I get numerous text messages about I was the one who dumped him, moved away, now he believes I was cheating on him and keeps calling me a wh.... I tried to not fight back with angry words but lost it after the last comment. Now it 10:00 in the morning on a Sunday and where is he in the bar. At least I won't let him take my car but he is still driving drunk. He told me last night I was a miserable person who will never be happy and he has fun drinking and wants to do it. I am not fun like his friends...and we spend enough time together and he wants to be with his "friends". You know drinking friends are only friends when your a drunk with them, none of these "friends" were supportive of him while sober. They would say to him when he called them you can have a beer once in awhile....what kind of friend is this? I hate feeling like I am the one who causes his drinking....I was the enabler the last time, I supported him gave him money to drink, this time I have not given him money as he has two jobs since being sober but I am afraid he will lose them due to drinking. People blamed me the first time that he drank so much because of me, since we got back together while he was sober is it my fault again, do I make him so unhappy that he has to turn to alcohol?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lizzie, you should start your own thread or ask the mods to move your post to your own thread, so the responses don't get mixed up with PHIZ's.
But in answer to your question, NO! You did not and you do not CAUSE someone to drink. You are NOT responsible for someone else's decision to drink. He is using you as his scapegoat.
But in answer to your question, NO! You did not and you do not CAUSE someone to drink. You are NOT responsible for someone else's decision to drink. He is using you as his scapegoat.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I endured these rants for years. Silence for days before, then the floodgates of resentment burst.
For me, this is how it's gone:
1st 15 years=I would listen, argue, defend, yell, cry. Felt like crap, desperate. My abandonment button gets pushed and I'm 12 years old again.
2009-2011= moved out, hung up, deleted texts, stopped listening to his quacking about me, stopped defending, stopped engaging and left him to his own opinions while I formed my own about myself. Eventually he laid off and our relationship became somewhat normal. Mostly because I didn't live with the ******
2011-2012 because things were going so well, and AH was paying all the bills, I let him move back in with us. He says he won't drink at all in the house. So, he starts drinking outside, to oblivion, and once again starts trying to give me drunken lectures about what a failure I am. "you're free meal ticket is over," is one of my favorites.
This time I do not argue, defend, justify, etc. I say, "I'm not listening to this if you want to discuss why I left the pizza boxes on top of the garbage, we can do it tomorrow when you're sober." And I walk away.
This makes him escalate for months until he's screaming at me in front of the kids and I fled to a campground with my kids last July 5.
He's stopped again, for goodness knows how long, but I take care of everything myself. I don't ask him to watch kids, drive kids, nothing. He controls all the money because he earns it. I spend what little I make on my own gas and tampons and **** like that.
He's being pretty careful right now, but I know it's temporary because this is a progressive disease.
I'm to am getting the hell out of here as soon as I have the money for a place too.
For me, and I think this is important, keeping a very clear boundary that is like the happy cashier lady. Did you find everything you need? That'll be $12.65 please. Thank you.
Detachment is beautiful. Keeping positive and staying on task with moving out really helps too.
Good luck to you. Just keep swimming...
For me, this is how it's gone:
1st 15 years=I would listen, argue, defend, yell, cry. Felt like crap, desperate. My abandonment button gets pushed and I'm 12 years old again.
2009-2011= moved out, hung up, deleted texts, stopped listening to his quacking about me, stopped defending, stopped engaging and left him to his own opinions while I formed my own about myself. Eventually he laid off and our relationship became somewhat normal. Mostly because I didn't live with the ******
2011-2012 because things were going so well, and AH was paying all the bills, I let him move back in with us. He says he won't drink at all in the house. So, he starts drinking outside, to oblivion, and once again starts trying to give me drunken lectures about what a failure I am. "you're free meal ticket is over," is one of my favorites.
This time I do not argue, defend, justify, etc. I say, "I'm not listening to this if you want to discuss why I left the pizza boxes on top of the garbage, we can do it tomorrow when you're sober." And I walk away.
This makes him escalate for months until he's screaming at me in front of the kids and I fled to a campground with my kids last July 5.
He's stopped again, for goodness knows how long, but I take care of everything myself. I don't ask him to watch kids, drive kids, nothing. He controls all the money because he earns it. I spend what little I make on my own gas and tampons and **** like that.
He's being pretty careful right now, but I know it's temporary because this is a progressive disease.
I'm to am getting the hell out of here as soon as I have the money for a place too.
For me, and I think this is important, keeping a very clear boundary that is like the happy cashier lady. Did you find everything you need? That'll be $12.65 please. Thank you.
Detachment is beautiful. Keeping positive and staying on task with moving out really helps too.
Good luck to you. Just keep swimming...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Thank you so much and Bless you all for your wonderful messages of support, wisdom and everything else that you add to my SR life.
I appreciate each and everyone of you.
Lizziegirl - take care of you first and foremost, keep posting, keep reading. There is wonderful support here.
Ironically I/We have had a nice day (naturally I have kept my mouth shut about how I feel regarding his outrageous drunken lecture (naturally he is ignoring it and probably doesn't remember most of it!).....I haven't been nicey nice either but I have been the "Happy Cashier Lady" as described above my Transformyself....that actually gave me a bit of a giggle (Thank you :0)!). In the evenings I do say things like "we can discuss this tomorrow when you are sober" and leave the room, when he insists on brining something up such as money.....some days it is easier to do than others. I have had years of practice!!
I have started saving little bits of money here and there and have a few hundred pounds now........part of me feels if we renew the lease for another six months financially I will be better off....however will my sanity, sole & spirit??.....Can I be the happy cashier lady for the next six months??!!.....just thinking out loud as it were.
I know you are right that his behavious won;t change....it hasn;t changed since we met so why now and I am playing the tape all the way through.......I feel peaceful and calm right now and have had a lovely day with my three beautiful children. I am looking forward to the week ahead with the kids too. I am pushing myself forward to take that next step......to leave....whether thats now or in the future I am not entirely sure yet.
I had no idea he was an alcoholic until a couple of years into the marriage, I had no experience of alcoholism atall!!......I grew up in a lovely home, with a great family and for that I am oh so grateful.
I have said this before but if this were my best friend I would be telling her to leave immediately! I must be that best friend to myself.......
Thanks again guys - your support is so appreciated - take care Phiz
I appreciate each and everyone of you.
Lizziegirl - take care of you first and foremost, keep posting, keep reading. There is wonderful support here.
Ironically I/We have had a nice day (naturally I have kept my mouth shut about how I feel regarding his outrageous drunken lecture (naturally he is ignoring it and probably doesn't remember most of it!).....I haven't been nicey nice either but I have been the "Happy Cashier Lady" as described above my Transformyself....that actually gave me a bit of a giggle (Thank you :0)!). In the evenings I do say things like "we can discuss this tomorrow when you are sober" and leave the room, when he insists on brining something up such as money.....some days it is easier to do than others. I have had years of practice!!
I have started saving little bits of money here and there and have a few hundred pounds now........part of me feels if we renew the lease for another six months financially I will be better off....however will my sanity, sole & spirit??.....Can I be the happy cashier lady for the next six months??!!.....just thinking out loud as it were.
I know you are right that his behavious won;t change....it hasn;t changed since we met so why now and I am playing the tape all the way through.......I feel peaceful and calm right now and have had a lovely day with my three beautiful children. I am looking forward to the week ahead with the kids too. I am pushing myself forward to take that next step......to leave....whether thats now or in the future I am not entirely sure yet.
I had no idea he was an alcoholic until a couple of years into the marriage, I had no experience of alcoholism atall!!......I grew up in a lovely home, with a great family and for that I am oh so grateful.
I have said this before but if this were my best friend I would be telling her to leave immediately! I must be that best friend to myself.......
Thanks again guys - your support is so appreciated - take care Phiz
Last edited by PHIZ007; 07-29-2012 at 09:30 AM. Reason: spelling errors!
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